Finding Home
by jennde
Summary: Edward & Bella are lifelong friends. At 18, just as their true feelings for each other are coming to fruition, tragedy strikes and the US is thrust into World War II. Will Edward and Bella's love be enough to see them through a world war? Rated M, OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a continuation of my Age of Edward one-shot, _Infamy_. Much, but not all, of the first 3 chapters cover information that can be found in the one-shot. However, even if you have read Infamy, I encourage you to read these early chapters. I'm no longer constrained by a word count, and was able to put back some scenes that were originally cut. Also, some of the existing scenes have been altered, and I think it makes for a richer story.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Please see A/N at the end.**

* * *

I have no memory of my mother; she left my father and me when I was two years old. I don't recall ever missing her; my father and I had an extended family in Carlisle and Esme Cullen, and in their children, Edward and Alice. I never wanted for the love of a mother or the camaraderie of siblings. My father, Charlie, and Dr. Cullen graduated the Naval Academy together, and while Carlisle had long ago left the service, he and my father were as close as brothers. As a matter of fact, I don't remember my life before any of the Cullens, and since Edward and I were the same age, and Alice a year younger, almost all of my childhood memories involved Edward in some way, and he was just as much a part of me and my childhood as my father.

When Edward and I were five, a particularly bad storm blew through Hawaii. Our parents took us to the beach to watch it, and we clung to each other for dear life. Even at five, Edward's arms around me made me feel safe.

The Christmas when we were seven, Edward and I announced to our families that we were going to get married. We even took our Christmas money to the Five and Dime and bought each other rings. They were too big, so we put them on silver chains and wore them around our necks every day.

The summer when we were nine, Edward dared me to swim out to the deepest part of the ocean. The undertow took me and I would have drowned if he hadn't dived in to rescue me. He felt so bad that he brought me penny candy every day after school for a month.

When we were twelve, Edward and I had our first real fight. He was having a birthday party, but didn't want to invite me. He said that we weren't really friends, and that he only spent time with me because his parents told him to. I cried uncontrollably for a full day before Charlie finally called Esme, who made Edward apologize. I didn't accept his apology, since his mom made him do it, and things were never the same between us again. I was so hurt that I even sent my "wedding ring" back to him, but he never said anything about it, and neither did I.

x-x-x

Alice had been working on me since yesterday, and I was starting to wear down. "Please spend the weekend Bella. Edward's going to have Jasper over, and I'll be so bored with my parents out of town. Plus, maybe you could occupy Edward and give Jasper and me some time together. Would it help if Mom or Dad called Admiral Swan?" She looked so hopeful, and I realized that I didn't want to disappoint her. She had been fond of Jasper for quite a while, and I knew this weekend could mean a big step for them. She was my best friend, and it was a small thing I could do for her.

We started walking down the hall of O'ahu High. "No, Alice, don't worry, I'll speak to my father." I gave her a small smile, hoping it would hide my trepidation. I wanted to spend the weekend with her, but things between Edward and I had been strained lately, and I was so awkward around him that I was trying to avoid seeing him at all. Edward and I had gotten along pretty well since the blow up when we were twelve, but the way he had been looking at me lately, and the way it made me feel, had me on edge.

Alice brought me out of my reverie. "Maybe we can start our Christmas shopping this weekend." The only time I had ever enjoyed shopping was during the trip Dad and I had taken to New York with the Cullens last year. That had been an incredible experience; my first time in a hotel, my first time in a restaurant that wasn't the Officer's Club at Pearl Harbor, my first time enjoying shopping. I often dreamed of going back there some day.

"It's only December second. We have plenty of time." I regretted my words as soon as they left my mouth. Shopping would mean getting out of the house and away from Edward. "Come to think of it, that's a great idea. I want to get something special for my dad this year."

Dad had just been promoted to Admiral, and he had been too busy at Pearl to really celebrate. I was hoping to commemorate the occasion when he took some time off for Christmas, right before he took command of the _USS Arizona_. Dad had been taking shore assignments as often as he could since my mom left us, to the detriment of his career. Assignments at sea fast-tracked promotion for officers, but Dad stayed behind to raise me as other officers leap-frogged over him and got the promotions that could have been his. He had finally been promoted and I wanted him to know just how proud I was of him; I would buy him the perfect gift.

Come January, he would be taking off to sea, and I would spend my last few months of high school living with Dr. and Mrs. Cullen. I usually spent part of every year with them when Dad had to be out of town or at sea for one reason or another. I sometimes resented the disruption in my life, but when I really thought about it, he had done better by me than most dads, especially those in the military, and especially those who had no wife. It wasn't always easy to finagle a shore assignment in the Navy, and we had been in Hawaii for the last 15 years, something almost unheard of for a naval officer.

Just a few months ago, my father was away training on a new class of battleship, and I stayed with the Cullens for four weeks. One of the days I was there happened to coincide with my eighteenth birthday, and Alice decided we should go out to a jazz club that she had heard about. She invited some of the kids from school, and as we got ready to leave, I found myself growing excited at the prospect of a night out.

Edward had decided not to come along, complaining to his parents that he wasn't a baby sitter. However, when Alice and I came downstairs after spending a few hours getting ready, he stared at me for a few minutes before he told us to wait for him while he got dressed to go with us.

I looked at Edward as he drove us to the club. His bronze hair was a mess as usual, a consequence of his hands constantly running through it. I knew this was a nervous habit if his, and I wondered what was making him so anxious. He seemed to be gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly, his face was set in a determined expression, and his deep green eyes never left the road, but he was still the most handsome boy I had ever seen. I sighed lightly, wondering if I would ever find a boy like Edward. He wasn't only handsome, he was brilliant, he played the piano flawlessly, spoke Italian and Spanish fluently, and has an easy smile that few could resist. Maybe tonight I would dance with a boy like that; someone who was handsome and smart and who held my interest.

To say that Edward was impossible that night would be an understatement. Every time a boy tried to dance with me, he would shoo him away, sometimes with a menacing look, sometimes with actual threats. He was like some looming, brooding bodyguard that I never asked for. It was also incredibly charming, but I couldn't tell him that; I could barely admit that to myself.

After the seventh boy was scared away by my would-be protector, I started to get annoyed.

"Edward! He was a perfectly nice boy. What is your problem?" He had the gall to look angry. I was the one who should be angry.

"He's not good enough for you, Bella. None of these boys are."

"I don't want to marry any of them, I just want to dance. Is that so hard for you to understand?" He needed to stop with the big brother act.

"You want them to put their hands on you? You want them to hold you that close?" He looked so angry, and I wasn't far behind.

"How dare you? Alice has danced with three boys tonight and you're not giving her a hard time. It's my birthday and I came here to dance and have fun."

He took me by the hand, and walked to the dance floor, pulling me gently behind him. Just then, the orchestra switched from _Chattanooga Choo Choo_, to _In the Mood_, and I could see the conflict on Edward's face as he faced me on the dance floor. He seemed to come to some sort of decision, because his look of confusion turned to one of resolve. He took me in his arms and we began to dance.

His closeness made my head swim a bit. My God, he smelled so good, like cinnamon and leather and boy. I hadn't been this close to him since we were children and that experience had been nothing like this. This was intimate and powerful and the most pleasurable thing I had ever experienced. His hands on me made my body hum with electricity, and I tingled all over. I wondered if Edward felt the same thing I did and when I looked up into his eyes, he looked a little stunned. He met my gaze only briefly before pulling me closer and leading me in the dance. Edward's hand rested on my back as we danced, and it made me want more of him. My thoughts made me blush, but also made me a little excited, and made me want to move just a little closer to him, which I dared to do. He stiffened a bit at first, but almost immediately, I heard him sigh and pull me to him. I could feel every inch of him pressed to me; he felt strong and lean and sexy and exactly like I always imagined a man would.

I hesitantly put my face close to his neck and inhaled slightly. When I "accidentally" brushed my lips against his neck, his reaction was immediate. He moved his lower body away from mine, and growled lightly. I hoped I hadn't ruined the night by being so forward and that he wasn't angry with me.

He didn't break up our dance, and for that I was grateful. I didn't try anything else so forward as we finished the song.

When the song was over, the band played a slightly more up tempo song, but Edward didn't release me immediately. I thought I felt him kiss the top of my head before he pulled back and looked at me.

"Happy now? You got your dance." He looked angry, and I felt confused, but his face softened a little when he looked at mine. As he started to walk away, he kissed my forehead and said, "Happy birthday, Bella." He walked away, leaving me more than a little stunned and slightly off balance.

That had been in September, and our interaction since then had been limited. I thought it might be purposeful on his part, but I couldn't be sure. The dance we shared and the electricity between us had sparked my imagination and filled it with possibilities I hadn't considered before. The only problem was that there was no way Edward would feel the same way about me; I was ordinary and plain and he was extraordinary and stunning.

x-x-x

When we got to the cafeteria for lunch, Edward and Jasper were already seated at our usual table. Edward was looking down when I greeted him, and he didn't look up as he mumbled something I assumed was a hello. Now he was avoiding me altogether. Great.

"Bella's staying with us this weekend," Alice said, practically jumping out of her chair.

Edward's head snapped up and I blushed. "I said I would talk to my father. I'm not making any promises." I looked down, not wanting to meet Edward's gaze for some reason.

Edward pushed his chair back and stood from the table. "I'm going to get some air." He turned and walked out of the cafeteria.

We all looked at each other, confusion on our faces. I felt like I had done something wrong, but I hadn't and I was beginning to get angry. "What's your brother's problem, Alice?"

"I have no idea. He's a grouch at home too. He's been this way for months, and it's been worse since the Halloween party."

I thought back to Halloween. The Cullens have a house right on the beach, and every year they throw a huge Halloween party. This year, Alice had convinced me to wear a witch's costume, but this particular witch's costume was more revealing that I was used to. The skirt was short in the front, with a long tulle train in the back. The top was more modest, but very form fitting. The dress showed every curve I had, and I wasn't sure that was a good thing. It was also my first time wearing high heels, and I felt a bit like a little girl playing dress up.

So, I went to the party, fully prepared to make a fool of myself. I was completely self-conscious, and it was made worse by Jasper's rude whistle when I walked in the door.

"Is that little Isabella Swan under that witch's hat?"

I turned toward Jasper and was about to retort when Edward emerged from the kitchen.

"Who...?" I turned back toward the sound of Edward's voice, and he looked momentarily confused, and then recognition dawned on him.

"Bella?" Edward looked shocked and I blushed 4 shades of red.

"That's it, Alice, I'm going home to change."

"You will do no such thing. You look fantastic. Don't pay any mind to these two. Let's go outside and help my parents."

I spent most of the evening having fun, despite my discomfort. There were lots of kids from school and from the naval base, most of whom I either grew up with or knew by association from my father.

I had a steady stream of male attention that night, as boy after boy brought me glass after glass of punch. Some sat and talked with me for a while, but none held my interest for long. We talked about school, or the war in Europe, or mutual friends. It wasn't necessarily boring, but I found my mind wandering time and again. More and more, it was wandering to Edward.

It seemed that every time I looked up, Edward was staring at me. Sometimes the stare was angry, sometimes intense, sometimes amused, but always there. Edward was dressed, as usual, in an old uniform that once belonged to my dad. He hated Halloween and refused to put any effort behind his costume aside from going to my house to raid my father's closet. This year he was wearing Charlie's old enlisted man uniform of white pants, white shirt, and blue neck scarf. I had been noticing boys for a while now, but Edward was different. I knew him, better than any boy I'd ever met, and I was still interested in him. I lost interest in most boys the minute they opened their mouths. Mostly, they thought that they had to talk to me like I was an idiot simply because I was a girl. Edward had never done that to me, ever. He might ignore me and be angry with me most of the time, but he respected the fact that I had my own ideas and interests. I kept trying to find someone like Edward, and was always left disappointed.

I had to remind myself, again, that despite the stares and the electricity I thought I felt between us, someone as interesting and smart and gorgeous as Edward would never be interested in someone like me.

The only downer of the evening was when there was talk of the war in Europe. Most of the talk centered around when, not if, the US would get involved. I followed the news and world events, and I also thought our involvement was inevitable, but that would mean my father going to war, and that was something I was ill prepared to deal with.

Late that night, Mike Newton asked me to take a walk with him on the beach. Mike's dad was a good friend to my dad, and Mike and I were in the same class at O'ahu High. He was nice enough, and a walk in the ocean air might help me clear up the punch-induced fog that was beginning to envelop my brain.

As I was about to say yes, Edward came up behind Mike.

"Beat it, Newton." He looked angry, but Mike didn't seem intimidated.

"You beat it, Cullen. Bella and I are about to go for a walk on the beach." Edward stood a good 6 inches taller than Mike and used the height difference to his advantage. He stood as close to Mike as possible without actually touching him, looked down at him, and said, "I'm not going to tell you again. Stay away from Bella, Newton. I don't even want to catch you looking at her for the rest of the night."

I had ever heard Edward so angry or menacing. I was scared, and Mike seemed to take the hint. "See you at school on Monday, Bella." He stalked off in a huff, and I turned to look at Edward. The angry boy was gone, replaced by, I wasn't sure what. His eyes were wide and almost pleading. Pleading for what, I didn't know.

"Edward, I'm eighteen years old. I don't need you to play big brother anymore." I wasn't necessarily interested in Mike, but I didn't appreciate Edward making decisions for me. "This is the same garbage you pulled on my birthday. What is your problem?"

"I..." He ran hid hand through his hair, and I couldn't help but notice how alluring that simple gesture was. "Damn it, Bella. I know how old you are. I just...ugh!" He cried in frustration.

He seemed to be angry, but I wasn't sure if he was angry with me, with himself, or with the boys that dared to talk to me. This was becoming maddening. Was there something between us? Maybe I hadn't imagined it at all. Maybe it was real and we were both just too afraid to say anything.

"Is there something you want to tell me? Because if there is, you should just spit it out or leave me alone." I knew I was challenging him, but I needed to know what was behind his behavior, and if he was feeling some of the same things I was feeling. I just hoped I didn't push him too far.

He opened his mouth to say something, but just then, Alice ran up to me. "Bella, I have to talk to you. Now." She grabbed my arm and started pulling me away, so the only thing I could do was mouth an "I'm sorry" to Edward before Alice pulled me out of his sight.

I thought maybe we had something that night, that maybe we would talk again and figure this out, but my relationship with Edward reverted back to what it had been previously: brooding stares from him, confusion from me.

x-x-x

While Dad and I ate dinner that night, I asked him if I could spend the weekend with Alice.

"Aren't Carlisle and Esme going to a medical conference?"

He knew everything. "Yes, and that's why Alice wants company. Edward will be there with Jasper, so she wants me there too." I swallow audibly. Why was I suddenly nervous? We really weren't planning anything beyond painting our toes nails and girl talk. I was hoping my father hadn't noticed my agitated state, but I should have known better. He saw right through me, as usual.

He took a long drink of his wine as he regarded me. "Bella, is something else going on this weekend that I need to know about?" He looked stern, but had a gleam in his eye.

"No Daddy, I promise. Just Alice and Jasper and Edward and me." Oh hell, my voice cracked when I said Edward's name. My eyes shot up to my father's face and I thought I saw something there, but it was gone before I could identify it. I put my head down and ate a forkful of rice, hoping he wouldn't see the panic on my face.

"So, is this Jasper boy the one Alice likes?" I was immediately suspicious; Dad had never taken an interest in Alice's love life before. Besides that, how did he even know about Jasper and Alice?

"Yes. How did you know?"

"Oh, I hear things." He smiled at me. "This is a small house, and when you talk on the phone, it's hard not to hear you."

"I guess I'll have to whisper from now on." I looked at him curiously. "So why are you so interested in Alice and Jasper all of a sudden?" He pushed his plate away, nothing left on it, as usual. Having recently lived through the Depression, my father was very appreciative of everything we had and never let anything go to waste.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe I should call Carlisle and make sure he knows about the boy that's going to be sleeping under the same roof as his daughter this weekend."

It was my turn to shrug. "I'm sure he knows. Besides, Edward will be there. There's no way he's going to let Jasper be inappropriate with Alice, he didn't even let any boys dance with me on my birthday."

He looked at me in surprise. "What do you mean he wouldn't let boys dance with you?" My hands twisted in my lap. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything. I pushed my plate away, my appetite gone.

"It's just...well...he kept scaring the boys away from me at the club." I waved my hand in the air, dismissing the incident. "It was no big deal. He danced with me and I had a good time and I didn't really like any of those boys anyway."

"You and Edward haven't really been close in a long while. Why do you suppose he would act like that?" Uh-oh.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Just acting like a big brother, I guess." I rolled my eyes for effect. "Really, it was no big deal."

He took a deep breath. "Look, Bella, I know you and I have never really talked about boys before-" I tried to cut him off, but he put his hand up to stop me. "Let me finish, baby girl." I nodded. "If you ever want to talk to me about boys, I'll be here. I can't say that I'm happy about it, but truth be told, I expected it much sooner and I've been a little concerned that you haven't shown interest in any boys before now."

Before now? He must have seen the confusion on my face because he answered my unasked question.

"Edward. I've seen the way you two look at each other. I'm just surprised it's taken you both this long." I started to protest, but he just put up his hand again and I quieted. I couldn't believe I was having this conversation. My stomach was in knots. I fully expected to talk to my father when I became interested in a boy, we talked about everything, but for him to see something between Edward and I was shocking.

"Dad, I..." I had nothing to say. I couldn't refute what he was saying with a straight face. Dad and I didn't lie to each other, it was one of our rules, so I looked down and sighed.

"Has anything happened between the two of you that I need to know about? Well, besides dancing." He smiled.

I mumbled. "No." I hoped he would still let me go to Alice's this weekend. Despite my nervousness, I felt energized by the possibilities.

"Okay, Bella, just be careful. I'll be calling to check up on you." He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "I love you, baby girl, and you can always tell me anything. You know that, right?"

I did, without a doubt. "Of course, Daddy. I love you, too." I didn't even mind his checking up on me. Nothing exciting would be going on and if it put his mind at ease, that was fine with me. We were all we had, after all.

Dad and I did the dishes in companionable silence, and the subject of Edward wasn't brought up again. As I drifted off to sleep, I hoped that I would have something to tell Dad about after the weekend.

x-x-x

As the weekend got closer, my nervous energy was through the roof. I found myself daydreaming about Edward, and the way my body reacted to him when he touched me; I wanted that feeling again, I just didn't know how to go about getting it. Girls just didn't go up to boys and touch them, it just wasn't proper. In some ways, I wished Edward and I could go back to the way we were when we were children. Our relationship had been so easy and carefree, without the worries of adulthood looming over us. We had been best friends, completely at ease with each other and free to be ourselves. I had never felt more lighthearted than on the lazy days Edward and I would spend on the beach, building sandcastles, swimming in the ocean and just being. My heart clenched as I realized that I wanted that for Edward and I now. I didn't long for my childhood; I longed for Edward.

And I wasn't sure I could have him.

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**A/N: Big thanks to brighterthansunshine, my beta and ficwife, to Daisy3853 for being my cheerleader and for the late night chats and reads, to jstarrh for reading, commenting and encouraging, and last but never least, to the BATgirls, for their unyielding support and enthusiasm.**

**I have a thread on Twilighted. What is the world coming to? Stop by, we're in the AH forum.**


	2. Chapter 2

**See A/N at the end please.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

Dr. and Mrs. Cullen were already gone by the time we got back to the house Friday after school. Alice and I spent some time in her room looking at the new _Redbook_ and talking about Jasper. He had held her hand last week at the beach, and she thought he might try to kiss her soon. She was hoping he would ask her to take a walk later.

We went to find the boys, and discovered them playing cards at the kitchen table. They looked over when we walked in, Jasper and Alice immediately fixating on each other. I didn't think Alice would have a problem getting an invitation to walk on the beach tonight. I smiled to myself at her worries that he may not like her. His feelings were written all over his face.

I turned away from Jasper and Alice to find Edward staring at me. When he saw me looking, he smiled at me, but it wasn't just any smile, and it was like nothing I had seen on his face before. He practically glowed with the happiness in his expression. Whatever the reason, I was just grateful to have Edward smiling again.

"It's a beautiful night, what do you say we throw something on the grill and eat outside? I think Mom left everything we need." Alice was asking all of us, but she only had eyes for Jasper.

After the meal was eaten and the dishes cleaned up, we all decided to take a walk on the beach. Edward and I, by silent agreement, hung back to give Jasper and Alice a head start. We knew they wanted to be alone, but propriety dictated that Edward be present.

As we started down the beach, I felt Edward take my hand in his, and my body literally started to hum, just like it had when we danced on my birthday. This was a feeling I could get used to.

I wondered if tonight Edward would finally talk to me, and what exactly he would have to say, when he stopped abruptly and turned me to face him.

"Bella." He took a deep breath, and I rubbed my thumb along his knuckles, willing him to say whatever was on his mind. "I'm not sure how to..." I'd never seen Edward Cullen at a loss for words before. "What do you want to do with your life?" he asked abruptly. We continued our walk up the beach as I contemplated his question.

"I'm going to college next fall. I'm not sure where just yet, but probably here in Hawaii so I can stay close to my dad." I bit my lip, not sure if I should go on, although something told me he, of all people, would understand. "I think...maybe...I want to be a doctor."

I stole a glance at him as we walked, curious about his reaction. He was smiling. "I think that's great, Bella."

"At least you think so." The words were out of my mouth before I considered them. Again, Edward stopped us and looked at me.

"What do you mean?"

Sorry that I had brought it up, I quickly explained to Edward that I had a meeting with the school guidance counselor the week prior. "Mr. Simmons told me that I shouldn't bother, that entering medical school was selfish since I would eventually get married and have babies, and would be taking the spot in school of a boy who would actually have a career as a doctor." Edward was looking increasingly angry as I relayed the details of our meeting. "It's not a big deal, Edward. I'm not going to listen to him." I had been crushed after the meeting and had gone home in tears. I then told Edward about the conversation I had with my father when I got home that day.

I told my father about the incident, and after convincing him that going to the school to beat up Mr. Simmons wasn't the ideal way to rectify the situation, we had a long conversation. He hadn't known of my interest in medicine, and was proud that I was considering it. He told me it would be his life's mission to make sure I became a practicing physician if that's what I truly wanted.

Looking up at Edward, I saw his anger had dissipated slightly. He had always admired my father, and I could see his respect for him grow as I told the story.

"Was there ever anything your father told you that you couldn't do because you were a girl?"

"No, nothing."

"I agree with him, Bella. You can do anything, including becoming a doctor. I truly believe that, and I believe in you, more than you know."

"That means a lot, thank you." His words had started my heart pounding, wondering if we were finally going to talk about what had been bothering him and what was going on between us.

Edward took a deep breath and clutched my hand even tighter. "I'm graduating early, and joining the Naval Academy after the first of the year. I wanted you to know becau-" Just then, we heard a scream. It was Alice. Jasper was chasing her up the beach and they were heading right for us.

Edward looked torn, like he wanted to finish what he was saying, but might not have the time. He kept looking from me to Alice, desperation written on his face. I wanted to hear what he had to say, and tried to keep his gaze on me as I took both of his hands in mine.

"Edward, please. What is it?"

He started a few times, but finally gave up when Alice and Jasper were within earshot. With a sigh, he dropped my hands and turned to Jasper, strained smile painted on his face.

"What are you doing to my little sister, Jasper? Don't make me hurt you."

"Stop it. Jasper was being a perfect gentleman. Now, we should get back to the house, it's getting really late and Bella and I have an early start tomorrow." Alice took Jasper's hand as we made our way back to the house, and I wished that Edward would take mine again, but he made no move to do so, and I didn't have the nerve to take his.

When we got back to the house, Alice dragged me upstairs, so I didn't have a chance to speak to Edward again. Jasper had finally kissed her and she wanted to give me every minute detail of the experience. She was so excited, and I was genuinely happy for her, but my mind was never far from Edward.

I spent a sleepless night imagining what Edward wanted to tell me. I heard movement in the house a few times, and was tempted to go see if Edward was having as difficult a time as I was, but I restrained myself. We would have tomorrow, after all. I finally fell asleep sometime after three in the morning with thoughts of Edward running through my head.

Saturday passed in a blur. After an incredibly awkward breakfast where Edward and I kept catching each other staring, Alice and I took the Cullens' car into town to do some Christmas shopping. I didn't find anything for Charlie, but was confident that I had plenty of time before Christmas to locate the exact right present for him. It might be our last Christmas together for a while, and I wanted it to be extra special. Alice decided to stop and get her hair done, so it was dinnertime before we got back to the house.

I noticed the jeep immediately as we drove up to Alice's house. It was from Pearl, and it meant my father was here. I felt disappointment settle in the pit of my stomach; I was always happy to be around my father, but I wanted to spend some time with Edward, and my father's presence would make that almost impossible.

When we walked into the house, my dad was standing with Edward and Jasper at the small bar in the living room, drinking a glass of whiskey. They all turned to us as we walked in.

"Bella! How's my girl?" He strode over to me and gave me a hug.

I couldn't help but smile. "Hi, Daddy. What are you doing here? Checking up on me?" I smirked at him as he led me over to the couch and sat down next to me, while everyone else hung back.

"I needed to tell you something." He looked down at his hands, clasped between his legs. "The commander of the _Arizona_ has developed some medical problems and has to take leave immediately. I'll be replacing him at dawn tomorrow instead of after the first of the year." His face was guarded, waiting for my reaction.

I hated it when my father was away from me, but I was eighteen now, and with most of the rest of the world at war, we needed good men like Dad at sea instead of behind a desk. I hid my disappointment behind a smile, and reassured him as best I could, even though I suspected that he saw right through me.

"It's okay, Daddy. I'm already here anyway. Alice and I will drive over tomorrow to get some more of my stuff. Really, I understand."

He searched my face, and I guess what he saw there satisfied him because he smiled, pulled me to him and hugged me tight. Even at eighteen, there was nothing in the world that made me feel as safe as a hug from my father.

"Okay, kids, I'm taking you all out to the O Club for dinner tonight. What do you say?" It was sort of a tradition with us that we would have dinner together at the Officer's Club the night before my father left for sea. I was happy that he was including my friends this time, but I would have been with him no matter what. He was the one thing in my life that I could always count on, and I was going to miss him.

All through dinner, my father entertained us with stories about the war and about being at sea. Edward and I caught each other staring fairly regularly, but oddly, I wasn't embarrassed. Something sparked between us, and I wasn't going to turn away from it. I would have given anything to know what he thinking when he looked at me; I couldn't identify the look in his eyes, but it made me feel pretty and gave me butterflies in my stomach. The way his green eyes sparkled and his mouth turned up into a slight grin made me want to reach across the table and touch him.

My father caught Edward looking at me during dessert and I was immediately embarrassed until my father's mouth turned up into a smile. When he addressed Edward directly, I was surprised at his line of questioning, but I shouldn't have been, given our conversation of the other night.

"So, Edward, what do you plan to do once you graduate Annapolis?" I groaned internally, knowing the reason he was asking.

Edward looked him straight in the eyes as he answered. "Well, sir, I think I'll stay in the Navy for a while. I'm not sure yet if I'll leave after my commission is up like my father did, or stay in like you."

My father nodded, seemingly satisfied with Edward's answer. "Do you have any idea what you'd like to do if you decide to leave the Navy?"

Edward contemplated a moment before he answered. "I know my father would like me to become a doctor, so I would consider medicine first. Honestly, sir, I've never really thought past being in the Navy. It's something I've wanted for as long as I can remember."

"Good man," my father said. He turned toward me and winked, a small smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. It was nothing anybody else saw; it was meant for me and I got his message loud and clear.

When we got back to the Cullens' house, it was late and we all stood around a little awkwardly. Dad looked at his watch, then looked at me. "Bella, I think it's time for you to get to bed, it's past eleven o'clock." I gave him a wry smirk, knowing that this was his way of asserting his parental authority, even though he would be at sea in less than six hours.

"Sure." I stepped over to him and allowed myself to be enveloped in his arms. With war on the horizon, I was even more reluctant than usual to let him go. "Be careful," I whispered in his ear. He squeezed me tighter for a moment, and then let me go.

"I love you, Bella. You help Mrs. Cullen while you're here. I'll write as often as I can." He looked sad, almost as if he knew this time might be different. Then he leaned in and hugged me and whispered in my ear so only I would hear, "Don't you go off and marry Edward without telling me first, okay?" My eyes got wide as my face turned red and I looked up at him. He was smiling as he gently touched my face. I knew his intentions were good, and that he had just given me his approval, so I leaned into his hand before getting on the tips of my toes to give him one last kiss on the cheek.

"I love you too, Daddy." I hugged him quickly, then turned to go up the stairs to my bedroom, catching Edward's gaze out of the corner of my eye. I turned to him, and he looked anxious, like he wanted to say something. I gave him a small smile and walked up the stairs. I knew we needed to talk, but we had all the time in the world.

x-x-x

I refused to spend another sleepless night in bed, so I got up at around one o'clock in the morning, hoping to get a book from the library. When I walked downstairs, there was a fire lit in the living room, and Edward was sitting on the couch, drinking a glass of scotch, firelight dancing on his face. As I inched closer, I saw that brooding Edward was back. He looked so sad.

I walked into the living room and stood right in front of him. I should have felt self-conscious, standing there in nothing but a short, white cotton nightgown, but I didn't. He looked up at me, surprise etched in his features. Before I could say or do anything, he put his drink on the table, his arms went around my waist and he buried his head in my stomach.

"Bella. Oh my God, Bella, you're here." I put my hands in his hair, and stroked lightly. This was so inappropriate, but I was beyond caring. He was upset and obviously needed comfort.

Somehow, I had the strength and presence of mind to form a coherent thought with Edward's arms around me." Edward, are you okay? Please tell me what's been bothering you."

He sighed and looked up at me. "You, Bella. That's what's been bothering me. You."

I could feel tears of anger starting to build. What could I have done to him? Before I could articulate anything I was feeling, he pulled me smoothly to my knees so we were at eye level. I was too surprised to react beyond a whispered "Oh."

He gave me one long, determined look, put both of his hands on either side of my face, and held me face close to his, his lips slightly parted. I felt his breath on my face, and my stomach clenched, as anxiety warred with excitement.

_Oh, please. Kiss me._

The anticipation became almost too much as I let a small whimper escape my lips. This seemed to be all the permission he needed as his lips softly touched mine.

His kiss was gentle and hesitant, and it felt like everything I had ever wanted and waited for. His lips were sweet, with a faint hint of the whiskey he had been drinking.

When his mouth opened slightly, I followed suit. The feel of his tongue on mine set my body on fire. All of a sudden, I couldn't get close enough. I twined my fingers through his hair and whimpered. Edward groaned in response and pulled me closer, between his open legs. It still wasn't close enough, and throwing all propriety out the window, I made my way onto the couch, into Edward's lap. Edward's hands left my face and traveled down my sides, landing on my hips, where he held me tightly.

We continued to kiss as our hands roamed each other's bodies. I ran my hands through his hair, which was as soft as silk, up his strong, muscular arms, around his back and along his chest. I felt everywhere my hands could reach, as he did the same. His hands were hesitant at first, but became strong and sure as I responded to his touch.

As his hand grazed my breast, he abruptly stopped. He looked stricken. "I'm so sorry, Bella. Please forgive me, I got caught up in the moment, and I never should have touched you like that." I let out a small laugh. I was practically straddling his lap, and he was worried about being a gentleman. I couldn't believe my own behavior. Nice girls didn't kiss boys like this, or let boys touch them the way Edward had touched me. But it felt right, and how could something that felt so good be wrong?

"It's okay. I didn't mind." I looked down, suddenly shy.

Edward moved me so I was sideways in his lap, his arms around me. He kissed my forehead and stroked my back and I marveled at how loved I felt in that moment. I wanted to stay here forever. I moved my head to rest on his shoulder, my nose grazing his neck. He smelled so good.

"Bella, I..." He signed, tightened his hold on me and whispered, "I didn't think this would be so difficult."

I don't know what possessed me, except that I wanted him to know that he shouldn't be afraid, that I wasn't going anywhere, so I kissed his neck. His sharp intake of breath emboldened me, so I did it again. And again. I moved my hands to his hair and continued to kiss him.

"Oh, Bella. That feels so good" He sounded like he was out of breath. I wanted to kiss his lips again, so I took him by the back of the head and guided his lips to mine.

We both groaned at the contact, and I felt my desire building. At least that's what I assumed that dull ache between my legs was; it was something I had never experienced before, but something that felt absolutely amazing. We kissed for what felt like an eternity, our tongues and lips gliding together.

Pulling himself away from me, Edward leaned his forehead on mine and said, "We have to talk before this goes any further." I nodded in response and waited for him to start.

"I...Bella...for the past few weeks, months, really, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. You're so lovely, and smart, and pretty and I just can't get you out of my mind. I've never felt like this before and it's been making me crazy." He let out a small laugh, and it was then that I understood his behavior of the last few weeks. The stares, the anger, the mood swings. He felt something for me, and didn't know how to deal with it. Just like I had feelings for him that I simply ignored, because I never though anything would come of it. We had the same problem, but just handled it differently. "I'm sorry I've been distant, I just didn't know how you felt about me, and I didn't want to make a fool of myself, and it's all been so confusing." He let out an exasperated sigh and ran his hand through his hair. "I've had these feelings for you for a long time, but I've been too scared to do anything about it. And now..."

"Now what?"

"I'm leaving after the first of the year for the Naval Academy. I wanted so badly to be able to tell you before I left. I won't be back until the summer, and I didn't want you to...well, I thought maybe you would wait for me." He looked down as he blushed. "I just...the thought of you with someone else...would you think about it?"

I took his head in my hands and tilted his face to mine. "There will never be anyone else for me."

He looked jubilant, and close to tears. "Oh, Bella." He kissed me so gently and reverently that I felt as if I might cry. We poured every ounce of emotion we felt into that kiss, and my chest clenched with the sheer joy of it.

We stayed up late into the night, talking and kissing.

At one point, while we were lying on the couch, me on my back and Edward on his side next to me, I asked him a question I had been curious about for a long time. "Edward, have you been with any other girls?" It was something I needed to know, whether I liked the answer or not.

He looked embarrassed. "No."

"Why? You're popular, and I've heard other girls talking about asking you out and some of them were really pretty. Why didn't you ever go out with any of them?"

"I don't know. I just wasn't interested, no matter how pretty the girl was or how the date promised to end. I was never sure of the reason before, but I think I may have figured it out." He looked down and rested his hand on mine. Not looking at me, he said very softly, "I think I was waiting for you, although I didn't know it at the time. I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and no one ever compared to you."

I reached up and kissed him, and as our kiss deepened, I felt Edward place his leg over mine, slowly moving himself to rest above me. He was tentative in his movements, as if gauging my reaction. I moved my hips slightly so they were directly under him, and he moaned low and deep in my mouth. I loved that sound.

While we were in this position, I felt Edward's arousal for the first time. I wasn't sure what it was at first, never having felt anything quite like it before, but it was hard and throbbing against my thigh and it didn't take me long to realize what it was. While Edward was kissing my neck, and without really knowing why, I opened my legs and shifted my hips slightly until he was resting between my legs. He groaned loudly into my neck and pressed his erection into the already tender and sensitive space between my legs. I arched my back at the sensation, wanting to prolong the contact. He did it again, and I moaned loudly, grabbing onto his back frantically, not knowing how to handle the feelings he was bringing out in me.

"Edward...what...oh my God..." He continued to rub his erection into me as he buried his face in my neck, and I felt something building in the pit of my stomach and I would have given anything for him to continue.

"Bella...oh Bella...I...Bella..." He picked his head up and looked at me, then abruptly pulled away from me, seemingly mortified. He sat on the other end of the couch with his legs up, wringing his hands between his knees with his head down. I was completely confused; maybe I had done something wrong. This was all so new to me and I must have done something to make him not want me anymore. Choking back tears, I decided that I had to know what made him run away from me.

Summoning all of my courage, I sat up and scooted closer to where he was sitting. I put my hand on his leg and ran small circles around his knee. "What just happened?"

When he answered, his voice was angry. "I happened. I shouldn't treat you like that, I'm sorry." His anger seemed to dissipate and he looked at me with pleading eyes. He was angry with himself, not with me. I was surprised, but shouldn't have been. This was Edward, after all.

"Shouldn't treat me like what?" He didn't answer; just put his head back down and refused to look at me. "Edward, I'm here, just talk to me, please."

"I love you so much; I should have been more respectful. God, what you must think of me."

I took his hand and attempted to set him straight. "I didn't push you away." He finally looked at me. "I was a willing participant. And, I'm not sure, but I think that's part of what being in love is all about." He looked down, seemingly dejected. "Hey, look at me." He lifted his eyes to mine. "I love you. This is new to both of us, but let's figure it out together. Don't run away from me."

He leaned into me and rested his head on my shoulder while I ran my hands through his hair, hoping to calm him. After a while, he looked at me and smiled. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"I think it was all the games of checkers you let me win when we were kids." We laughed a little at that but Edward's expression soon became serious.

"Are you okay with your dad leaving for his tour? War almost seems inevitable at this point. He could be gone a long time." I didn't open up about my father to anyone, not even Alice, but this was different. This was Edward, and we were together now and I would share my whole heart with him.

"I'm never okay with my dad leaving. Your parents are wonderful, and I'm grateful that they've been there for both my father and me all these years, but I sometimes feel homeless when he's away. Home has always been where my father is."

We talked at length about the possibility of me attending medical school, and how me being a doctor would work out well if Edward did, indeed, want to be a career Naval officer, although that was something he hadn't yet decided. He told me that he was worried that his father would be hurt if he didn't go into medicine, but he wasn't sure it was for him.

Nothing was determined that night, but it was comforting to know that Edward and I would be deciding our future together. Decisions don't seem so daunting when you don't have to make them alone.

We eventually fell asleep under a thick blanket on the couch, my body practically on top of Edward's, his arms protectively around me. It was how I wanted to fall asleep every night for the rest of my life.

* * *

**Thanks to my beta brighterthansunshine, and to jstarrh for giving me great suggestions and making me laugh.**

**Special thanks to Daisy3853 for being my guest beta on some last minute changes while BTS was out of town.  
**

**So, after this, one more chapter of old stuff that will take us through the end on Infamy. I'm going to try to post it before I leave for vacation on Monday, but no promises. After that, the real fun begins.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is the last of the material from **_**Infamy**_**; thanks for sticking with me. See important A/N at the end.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

We were awakened by the sound of air raid sirens and early morning sunlight seeping through the porch door. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, as there were weekly drills at Pearl. They were just never this early in the morning, or on a Sunday.

We scrambled off the couch and headed for the back porch. Looking up we saw, and heard, airplanes flying directly over the house, headed for Pearl Harbor. Edward took me by the waist and held me close.

"Those are Japanese Zeroes. I never thought they'd actually do it. We're under attack." My thoughts immediately went to my dad, and the command he was to assume that morning.

"Edward, my father." He pulled me closer and put his lips to my hair.

"I know, Bella. I know."

By this time Alice and Jasper had joined us, and were looking up at the planes flying overhead. Edward lifted his head and looked over at them.

"Jasper..."

"Yeah..."

Edward shifted to take my face in his hands, and I looked up at him, tears in my eyes.

"Bella, I have to go." Panic started rising in my chest as my silent tears turned to sobs.

"You can't go. You can't leave me. Not now. Please, not you, too." I threw myself into his arms, willing him to stay with me, to stay out of harm's way.

"I have to go, Bella. They'll need help. Please try to understand." He took my face in his hands again, but this time he kissed me. After our lips parted he looked at me with determination and a touch of sadness in his eyes. "I don't have a choice."

After Edward and Jasper left, the day moved slowly. Mrs. Cullen called to tell us she and Dr. Cullen were on their way back and to check on us. She seemed resigned to the fact that Edward had gone to Pearl soon after the attack started, almost as if she expected nothing less from her son. We listened to the radio, but the news out of Pearl Harbor was spotty at best. We would have done better to walk down there ourselves, but after much discussion, Alice and I decided to stay put. I thought about going home to wait for my father, but Alice assured me that he would assume I was here and going home would be a waste of time. I agreed with her, but I also didn't want to be alone, and this is where Edward would come home, so this is where I wanted to be.

Mrs. Cullen came home at about noon, telling us that Dr. Cullen had dropped her off and headed straight to the hospital. We still had no news of my father and hadn't heard from Edward or Jasper.

So we sat, we paced, we tried to eat, tried to nap, tried to do anything to distract us from reality. As early afternoon descended, Esme put her arm around my waist, pulled me close, and said, "I know you're worried about your father. He can take care of himself. I'm sure he'll be fine." I think even she knew just how hollow her words were. My father was all I had. We hadn't heard a word from my mother since she left, and I had no other living relatives. Before last night, I relied on him for everything: my home, my protection, my comfort, my confidence and my happiness. I knew I had Edward now, and my feelings would eventually shift to him, but it was all so new, and no matter what happened between Edward and I, my father would always be my father. My constant. My rock. My touchstone.

But that didn't mean I was thinking about Edward any less than I was thinking about my father. That Edward and I had declared ourselves just last night, and now he was in harm's way, tore at my heart. So much time wasted, so much time to live with the pain of his absence should anything happen to him. Every minute without word of my father or Edward ate away at me.

Not being able to talk about Edward with anyone made it so much worse. While I was sure about Edward, I wasn't sure how or when he wanted to tell his family, and I wasn't even sure that today was an appropriate day. So I kept it to myself and silently prayed for his safe return.

We listened to the radio, but reports were so sporadic and unreliable that almost everything was retracted soon after it was reported. The house phone didn't stop ringing, but more often than not, the people on the other end were seeking information, not providing it.

We heard a jeep come up the drive at about 5:00. When we got to the door, I saw none other than Vice Admiral William Pye. He was a good friend of my father's and had been to our home many times. He was also the second in command at Pearl Harbor.

When he stepped out of the jeep and looked at me, I knew my father was dead.

x-x-x

Charlie died on the _Arizona_, along with untold others. The ship was hit with an armor-piercing bomb, which penetrated an ammunition compartment, blowing the ship apart and sinking it within seconds. They had already recovered his body.

I didn't cry. I couldn't. The loss of my father was the loss of everything I had and everything I had ever known.

I had no father, no family, and no home.

The loss was too devastating for mere tears.

x-x-x

When the door opened at midnight and Edward strode through, I was too relieved to do or say anything. I simply stared as his mother ran up to him and hugged him, followed by Alice. I took in his appearance. He had soot on his face and clothes, his pants were ripped, his hair was in complete disarray, and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

He endured the hugs from his mother and sister, told Alice that Jasper was fine and heading home, but he never took his eyes from me. When they stepped back from him, he took three long strides towards me, lifted me, and took me in his arms. He held me tight and whispered in my ear, "I'm so sorry. I'll give you a home. You won't be alone, I promise." I had been wrong when I thought there was nothing in the world that made me feel as safe as a hug from my father. That was before I had Edward.

I sobbed into Edward's chest, overwhelmed with the emotions of the day. The sadness at loss of my father, the relief at seeing Edward alive and whole, his promise of our future together. He took me to the couch, gently put me on his lap, and held me while I cried. At one point, I heard Mrs. Cullen start to question Edward, but he gently rebuked her. I think she and Alice left the room soon afterward.

Even after I stopped crying, I didn't want to get up. Edward's arms felt so strong around me and he smelled so good, even through the soot and grime of the day. Also, getting up would mean facing reality: my father's death, Mrs. Cullen and Alice's reactions to what they saw between Edward and me, the fact that our country was at war, and that Edward would most likely be fighting in that war very soon. I didn't know when Edward would be leaving to fight, but I knew him well enough to know that he would.

I decided right then that I needed to make the most of the short time Edward and I had. I knew I was in denial, but there would be plenty of time to deal with the emotional wreckage left behind by the death of my father after Edward was gone.

Mrs. Cullen came back into the room sometime later, followed by Alice, and I reluctantly removed myself from Edward's embrace and moved to sit next to him. I wanted to hear about his day, about the things he had seen and how it had affected him, but I wanted to wait until we were alone.

We held hands on the couch as Alice and Mrs. Cullen sat across from us. Edward told us the basics about what he saw when he and Jasper got to the base that morning, but his tale was emotionless and I knew he was holding back. I determined that I would get him alone later, no matter the consequences. So much had changed for me in the past 24 hours, and I needed Edward now more than I had ever needed another person.

Edward eventually yawned and excused himself to go upstairs and take a shower and go to bed. Surprisingly, he grabbed my hand and took me with him. I know I blushed, but Mrs. Cullen just looked at our clasped hands and said nothing. Things certainly had changed.

We went up to Edward's room where he sat me on the edge of the bed and knelt in front of me. He took my hand placed a small kiss in the middle of my palm.

"I have to go clean up. There are so many things I want to tell you and talk to you about. Will you stay with me tonight?"

I swept a lock of hair out of his eyes and cupped his cheek. "Of course I will." I wanted to ask about his mother's reaction to my spending the night, but if he wasn't worried, then I would let it go. He kissed me lightly on the lips, then grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom.

I made my way to the guest room to get my nightgown and ran into Alice on the way back.

"Bella, I had no idea about you and Edward. When did this happen?" I didn't really want to get into it, so I decided to answer her but keep it short.

"Last night, Alice. Look, I'm really tired, can we talk tomorrow?" She looked disappointed, but she also looked as exhausted as I felt, so I didn't think she would put up much of a fight. Suddenly, she noticed my nightgown in my hand for the first time.

"Bella, what are you...? Are you sleeping in Edward's room?" She looked absolutely mortified.

I didn't feel like I needed to explain myself to her. "Alice, Edward and I have a lot to talk about tonight. Let's leave it at that." It came out harsher than I meant it to, but this wasn't some schoolgirl crush to be giggled about at a sleepover. I lost my father and I was about to send the man I loved off to war. This wasn't child's play anymore, and for the first time in my life, I felt like an adult.

Alice was about to say more, but I held my hand up to stop her. "Tomorrow, Alice. Please."

She looked at me and nodded her head. "Okay, Bella. I'm too tired to argue anyway." A small smile played on her lips and I was grateful for the day's respite from her questions.

Alice and I bade each other good night and I went to Edward's room to change and wait for him to finish his shower.

When he came back in, with wet hair and dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, I was lying on my side in the middle of his bed. Without a word, he crawled into bed, wrapped himself around me, and cried. I held him as tightly as I could, kissed his hair, and whispered soothing words to him about how proud I was of him, of how proud his parents were of him, how proud Charlie would have been of him. I talked about our future, about a home and babies and vegetable gardens and family picnics on the beach. I think my words consoled me as much as they did him.

His tears eventually subsided, and we moved so we were on our sides, looking at each other.

He took my hand, prolonging our contact. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, please, Edward. I'm here for you now." He sighed and kissed my hand. He told me about the true horror of what he had seen at Pearl Harbor during the attack. The men screaming, fire engulfing their bodies, his attempts to save drowning men from the water, the smell of burning flesh that he would never be able to forget. He saw men die in front of him; no wonder he cried. I realized that as much as circumstance was forcing us to grow up, we were still children in some ways. I felt like I wouldn't be able to say that for much longer.

"Bella, I want to fight in this war. After what I saw today, there's no way I can't. Those men need to be avenged, your father included, and I need to feel like I'm doing something. Can you understand that?" I felt fresh tears sting my eyes as I nodded. He was going, and even though everything in me wanted to beg him to stay, I wouldn't try to stop him.

"I spoke to some people after things calmed down today. We'll be at war tomorrow, and since I've already been accepted at Annapolis, they think I should get over there as soon as possible." I waited, knowing he wasn't finished yet. The tears continued to fall, and he wiped them from my cheeks with the most tender of touches.

"Bella, the Navy lost a lot of men today, and they need to be replaced. My training will be fast-tracked, and I'll be ready in six weeks. It won't be a full education, but I can always go back after the war." He moved his eyes from mine, and almost whispered, "I leave tomorrow."

It took me a minute to process his words, and when I did, I shook my head and tried to pull away from him as my tears become full on sobs.

He pulled me back to him, enveloping me in his arms as he spoke softly but fiercely into my ear. "No, Bella. You listen to me. I love you. We will get through this. I need you to believe that; I need you to believe in me. Please. I can't do this without you."

When my sobs died down, he pulled away from me, but only enough to take my face in both of his hands. "After the six weeks, I'll get 5 days leave. I'm sure my mother can put together a wedding in six weeks. Please say you'll marry me, Bella. I need to know I have you waiting for me. We can get married here at the house, or on the beach; whatever you want."

He was being ridiculous, so I shook my head no. He looked momentarily surprised, then I saw tears well up in his eyes, "Please, Bella..."

I put my finger over his lips to silence him. "If we get married in Hawaii, you'll waste a whole day traveling here, and a whole day back, and I'm already going to have a tragically short honeymoon. I'll come to you at Annapolis." Then something occurred to me. "Oh, maybe we could meet in New York, it wouldn't take you nearly as long to g-" He cut me off with a kiss, and I could feel his smile.

"Is that a yes?" He asked as he pulled away from me.

"Of course I'll marry you. Why on earth would you ever th-" Again, my thought was cut off with a kiss, but this one lasted quite a bit longer.

I was thrilled that Edward had proposed, but all of my thoughts were tempered by the fact that Edward would soon be facing the dangers of war. I tried to focus on the positive; he was mine, and I was his, and even if our time together was short, it was more than I ever imagined I would have.

Eventually we stopped kissing and lay on our sides facing each other, hands clasped together.

"I love you, Bella"

"I love you, Edward"

We fell asleep like that, legs entwined, holding hands, Edward's slow breathing lulling me into sleep.

When I woke it was still dark, Edward's face inches from mine. It took me a moment to realize where I was and for the events of the day to come back to me. Edward looked wide awake and a little uncomfortable.

"Can't you sleep?" I asked, my voice gravelly from sleep.

"No, I haven't really slept yet."

I moved closer, wanting to offer him comfort. "What's wrong?" As my body came in contact with his, I felt exactly what was wrong. Edward practically flew across the room, embarrassed at his aroused state, but I was more than a little curious.

"Edward, come back to bed." If I was going to share a bed with him and be his wife, we had to learn about each other eventually. No time like the present.

"I can't. You're just so beautiful and perfect and _close_ to me. Maybe I should go sleep in the guest room." He looked so incredibly shy and unsure as he turned for the door, so unlike the Edward I was used to seeing.

"Edward, come here. Don't be embarrassed. Please." I held my hand out, willing him to come to me. Reluctantly, he moved back towards the bed and sat on the edge. I pulled him until he was lying next to me, my hand on his arm. He was stiff and not in the least bit relaxed. I had heard Jessica Stanley talking at school about something she did in the back seat of Mike Newton's car, and I wondered...

"Edward." My hand moved slowly across his arm and down his stomach. "Maybe I could help." I couldn't look at him, but as my hand lightly touched his hardened length, he groaned loudly.

"Bella...oh, God..." I continued to touch him, not really knowing what I was doing, but enjoying his reaction.

"Show me, Edward."

"God, Bella, I want this so much...but...I don't want you to fe-"

"Shh, Edward, just show me. I want to." He moved his hands to his sweatpants, and slowly moved them, and his underwear, down his legs so he was bare before me. He took my hand and placed it on him, groaning at the contact. He put his own hand on top of mine and started to stroke up and down. He let go, and I grasped him in my hand, marveling at how soft the skin was, but how hard it felt, and how big it was.

I noticed a small bead of moisture at the tip and wiped it with my thumb, eliciting a strangled moan from deep in his throat.

"Bella...my God, your hand...Bella...oh, please...Bella..." He continued to chant my name as his hands grasped the sheets and he moved his hips in time with my hand.

"Please what, Edward?" He seemed almost incapable of speech, but groaned a response that I had to strain to hear.

"Please, don't stop...Please, Bella, it feels so good."

I had no intention of stopping. I loved the feel of him in my hand, the way he said my name, and that I could make him feel like that. Finally, he grew impossibly harder as I stroked him, cried out my name, and finished in my hand. He immediately took me in his arms, and I felt his heart pounding in his chest.

"God, Bella, that was...thank you."

His gratitude made me giggle. "You're welcome. Think you can sleep now?"

He nodded his head, pulled me to his chest, and let out a long sigh. "I don't know what I would do without you now."

Edward fell asleep almost instantly and I followed closely behind, the beating of his heart lulling me into oblivion.

x-x-x

I was awakened by feather light kisses on my face and sunlight streaming through the windows. I opened my eyes to find a fully clothed Edward in bed with me, smiling and looking as gorgeous as ever. I sighed in contentment until the events of yesterday came crashing down on me. My father was dead, Edward was leaving, and the country was at war. I grabbed Edward and brought him down to me in a hug, needing the strength he gave me in order to face the day. He rolled us over so I was lying on top of him as he stroked my back, knowing exactly what would comfort me.

"My father came home early this morning, so I went to go talk to him and my mom about everything that we discussed last night." I turned to look at him, curious as to how the conversation went. "They're not exactly happy that I'm leaving so soon, but they understand. Dad is making arrangements for me to get my diploma from the high school, and Mom is out shopping for everything I'll need while I'm away."

More than anything, I was nervous about their reaction to our relationship. I loved Edward, and there was nothing that would keep me from him, and knowing that Dad approved of Edward made all the difference, but I craved their approval almost as much as my father's. I didn't want them to think less of me because I had spent the night with Edward. "Do they know that I spent the night in your room?"

"They do." He kissed me on the top of my head as he continued to stroke my back. "I can't say that they weren't a little concerned, but they didn't seem to care as much after I told them we were getting married. Things have changed dramatically in the last 24 hours and we're all adjusting." I cuddled closer to him, knowing he spoke the truth, but wanting to keep life simple for a little longer.

"Stay here, I want to get something." Edward released me, got up from bed and walked over to his dresser. He opened the top drawer, took something out, and walked back to me. He knelt by the side of the bed, his forearms resting on the white sheets. I couldn't see what he was holding, but my curiosity was certainly piqued.

"Do you remember when we were seven, and we bought each other rings at the Five and Dime?" He looked up at me and I nodded in acknowledgment. "And then when we were twelve and I told you I didn't want you to come to my birthday party. Do you remember that?" Again, I nodded.

He held my ring between his thumb and index finger, a small smile playing on his lips. I was too stunned to speak.

"Bella, you broke my little twelve-year-old heart when you sent this back to me. I don't have a proper ring for you yet, so I thought I'd put this back where it belongs until I can get you one." He took my hand and put the small silver band on my left ring finger. It was tight, but the small amount of discomfort was more than worth it. "I tried mine on, but it doesn't even fit on my pinkie." He reached under the collar of his shirt and pulled out a thin silver chain. On the chain was his ring. "I don't think they'll let me wear it during the day at Annapolis, but I'll have you close to me every night."

I reached over and kissed him as a tear escaped my eye. He loved me, I loved him, and maybe that would be enough. Maybe we could get through our time apart and come out stronger on the other end.

He pulled away and took my hand. "I leave early tonight. Why don't you get up and have some breakfast, then I thought I would take you over to your house to help you pack up some things." I immediately shook my head, knowing that as much as he was the only person I wanted with me when I faced my father's death, I had to let him go before I could even think about my father. I could only handle one thing at a time. I sat up to look at him.

"Not today. I want you with me when I do it, but that's not how I want to spend our last few hours together. I'll go with Alice later in the week." He was about to argue, but I cut him off. "Please, it's what I want."

He reluctantly nodded. "Okay, Bella. Whatever you want." He smiled and kissed the palm of my hand. "So how would you like to spend our time together?" He had a wicked smile on his face, which made me blush as I thought about what we did last night.

"What do you think?" I smiled at him, wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed with him and never leave. He pulled me on top of him again and kissed me. I could feel the not so familiar ache of desire beginning to stir in me, and I knew exactly how we would be spending our morning.

We kissed, and I started to unbutton his shirt with shaky fingers. I wanted to be close to him, but this was all so new to me, and my nerves were on edge. He turned us over so he was resting on top me, and I pushed his shirt slowly over his shoulders. His chest was beautiful, sculpted with a smattering of hair at the top. I touched him tentatively and he closed his eyes at the contact. He lifted my nightgown over my head and whispered, "I want to feel you." As he threw my nightgown to the floor he lifted me to a sitting position, straddling his lap, and wrapped his body around mine. The feel of his bare skin on mine was electric. It made my heart flutter and my stomach knot. Edward just sighed and stroked my back, whispering "You feel so good," lightly in my ear.

Eventually, Edward's touches became a bit more demanding as his hands traveled to my hips and up the sides of my breasts. His thumbs stroked the outside of each breast lightly as my nipples hardened in response. I whimpered, wanting him so badly to touch me there. His thumbs made their way over to my nipples and brushed lightly as I groaned loudly at the sensation that shot straight between my legs. Involuntarily, my hips moved against Edward and I felt how aroused he was. I wanted to rub myself against him just like I had on Saturday night, but I didn't want him to run away again, so I started lightly at first, enjoying his response. His thumbs continued to brush against my nipples, but he dropped his head to my shoulder and started to move his hips in time with mine. He was making noise, but not forming words, and I understood his inability to be coherent. The pressure was building at the juncture of my thighs again, just like it had last time, and I desperately wanted to know what came next.

We were moving faster now, kissing and straining against each other, and every nerve in my body was on fire. I needed to tell him, to let him know that it was good and he shouldn't run away again. But I was afraid, so I whispered in his ear so I wouldn't have to look at him.

"Edward.... feels so good...please, you can't stop now...I'm there, so close...please." Close to what, I had no idea, but I was teetering on the edge of something.

"I won't...I won't stop...love you...God, Bella." His voice was straining and thick with arousal.

As I got closer, I dug my fingernails into Edward's shoulders and he whispered in my ear, "It's okay, my Bella. Let go for me. Only for me." At his words, my body clenched as a wave of pleasure overtook me and I screamed Edward's name into his neck. I was shaking as I came down from the high of my orgasm, and Edward held me close to his chest. My heart was pounding and I was sweating, but I had never felt better in my life.

Edward slowly lowered me to the bed and lightly kissed my chest and stomach as he lowered my panties and took them off, rendering me completely naked in front of him for the first time. He sat up and looked at me. "Beautiful."

Despite his words, I was a little self-conscious and felt a slight blush darken my cheeks as my eyes darted away from his. He took a finger and moved my face to look at him and said, "No. You are beautiful. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen." My eyes met his and I saw the sincerity in his words.

He lay on top of me and kissed me, his hands roaming my body. I worked my hands to the front of his pants and started to unbutton them with fumbling fingers. I was so nervous, but I didn't want to stop now. He helped me get his pants and boxers off so we were both completely naked, Edward on top of me, lying with his forearms on either side of my head, our foreheads touching.

"Bella..." Then I felt it. He was hard and throbbing against my thigh, and I knew what he wanted. I wanted the same thing.

"Yes, Edward. Please..."

His hands stroked the hair away from my face, and he looked at me with such love in his eyes. How could I deny him, or me, the pleasure our bodies created together? "You're sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you so much. I'm ready."

"It's going to hurt, but only the first time."

I smiled at him and his concern. "I know, and it's okay." I had held Edward in my hand last night, and was positive it would hurt.

I felt him at my entrance, and he pushed forward slightly, partially entering me. He groaned at the contact, just as I tensed. I didn't know exactly when the pain would come, so I was bracing myself.

"You're so warm, Bella. God, I had no idea it would feel like this." His voice was strained, but the look in his face held nothing but love. He pushed forward again, more forcefully this time, and I immediately knew why. Pain surged through me as a tear coursed down my cheek. Edward looked at me, a horrified expression on his face.

"No, no, no. Please don't cry." He moved to get up, but I stopped him.

"Edward, it's fine. I'm feeling better already." He looked at me, doubt etched in his features. I had to convince him that I was all right, so I arched my back and pushed my hips forward slightly, causing him to groan and drop his head to my shoulder. It still hurt, but it also felt right, like this was supposed to be. Like we were made for each other in every way now.

He moved slowly at first, allowing me time to adjust to his size. Soon I was able to move with him, and as our hips started to rock together, the pain decreased and the pleasure began to build.

"Bella...I'm going to...I'm so sorry..." His face looked pained.

"Shh...it's okay..." I knew that he was close, and that I wouldn't achieve my own release this way, but I was beyond caring. We had shared so many beautiful experiences over the past 2 days, and this was no exception. It would be perfect matter what.

"Oh, Bella," he sobbed as he came.

He wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry you didn't...you know."

"It's okay, Edward. It was my first time. Plus, you have our whole honeymoon to make it up to me." I smiled at him, but my heart clenched, knowing that he was leaving in a few hours, and that out time together was so short.

"I will make it up to you." He kissed my cheeks, my forehead, my chin and the tip of my nose, and I wondered how I would survive the next six weeks without feeling this.

We got out of bed, cleaned up and headed downstairs. We made lunch and ate together listening to the news on the radio. It seemed likely that we would declare war on Japan soon, as President Roosevelt was scheduled to speak to Congress that very evening.

Dr. and Mrs. Cullen came home soon after we finished lunch. The high school had agreed to give Edward his diploma early, and flight arrangements had been made. Edward would be leaving at seven that evening for the mainland, and would be in Maryland by tomorrow morning.

Edward, Mrs. Cullen, and I spent the remainder of the afternoon packing Edward's things, mostly in silence. Dr. Cullen had gone back to the hospital and would pick us up later to take Edward to the airport.

When Dr. Cullen pulled up to the front of the house later that evening, my heart sank. How could I let him go when I just found him? It wasn't fair, and I felt like I wanted to stamp my foot and scream at the sky for everything that had been taken from me. But then I caught Edward looking at me, and knew that I had to be strong for him. He had to go, and I had to let him. I knew in my heart that if I asked, begged, pleaded with him to stay with me, he would. But I couldn't ask; what he was about to do was more important than me, than us.

I plastered a smile on my face as we headed to the car hand in hand. Edward and I sat in the back with Alice, who had said goodbye to Jasper earlier in the day. He and Edward would be traveling together, which eased my mind some.

We all walked with Edward to the base of the stairs that led to his plane, and to my undoing. Knowing what was coming, I was shaking as he said goodbye to Alice and his parents, tears streaming down my face. I was trying so hard to be strong for both of us, but I was failing miserably. He took my hand and led me away from the crowd so we could say goodbye without being overheard.

He took me in his arms and I buried my face in his neck, sobbing almost uncontrollably. What would I do without him now? Even after our week together, he would be going to war. He would constantly be in danger. He could be taken away from me forever.

"Bella, Bella. Please, don't cry. I'll see you soon and I'll write every chance I get. Please, Bella." He held me tighter, and gently stroked my back until an officer came by and told him it was time to get on the plane.

He took my face in his hands and kissed me sweetly on the lips. "I'll see you in New York in six weeks. I can't wait for you to be my wife."

I kissed him back, hoping he could feel all the love I had for him in that simple act. "I love you, Edward."

"I love you too, Bella." He gave me one last kiss and headed for the stairs. At the top step, he turned to me. "Six weeks."

He boarded the plane, and we watched it taxi and fly away, taking my life with it.

_Six weeks._

* * *

**Special thanks to Daisy3853 and jstarrh for the beta work and for their cheerleading. Daisy makes me feel like my silly fan fic is on par with **_**Gone With the Wind**_**. Thanks to the original beta for this work, brighterthansunshine.**

**Thanks to everyone who has taken the time reviewed so far. It means the world to me.**

**So, all new stuff next chapter. I would love to give you an update schedule, but I can't. I would just wind up disappointing you. So, you'll get it when I'm finished and satisfied with it. The satisfied part is what you should worry about; I'm a bit compulsive when it comes to my writing. The good news is, I've written ahead, so I have some leeway.**

**Also, I will be giving updates on updates on the Twilighted thread, so come on over and say hello. We're in the AH forum.**

**I've tried to be as historically accurate as possible. There will be mistakes, but I do mad research on every bit of historical information. Sometimes the truth fits the story, sometimes it doesn't, but be rest assured, I **_**do**_** know the difference.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, here we go. I'll let you get on with it, please see A/N at the end.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

For all I knew, the drive home from the airport could have taken twenty minutes or six hours. I have very little memory of it, except that I looked out the window while my legs were pulled up, head resting on my knees, my finger absently working the ring Edward had put on my hand. My thoughts were random and unfocused as images passed through my mind: Edward putting my childhood ring on my finger; Edward's face, a mixture of happiness and trepidation, as he woke me up that very morning; Edward and I when we were 8, laughing and running on the beach as he chased me with a crab in his hand, trying to scare me. Now he was gone. My father was gone and never coming back, and I felt hollow except for the pounding of my heart, which seemed incredibly loud in my ears.

When we got back to the house, I stood in the living room for a long minute, wondering what I should do. I was lost, and home was on a plane somewhere over the Pacific Ocean.

Mrs. Cullen startled me back to reality when she put an arm around my shoulders. "Bella, you look so tired, dear. Why don't you go get some rest?" I was grateful that there was someone telling me what to do, since I was at a complete loss and just so _tired_.

"Okay, Mrs. Cullen." I gave her the best smile I could, which wasn't much.

She rubbed my arm and as she walked me up the stairs. "You're going to be marrying my son in a few weeks. Please start calling me Esme."

I simply nodded at her request, too overwhelmed with exhaustion to form a coherent answer. When we got upstairs, I headed straight for Edward's room without even putting any conscious thought into it. This was where I would be staying now, in the place where Edward spent almost every day of his life. Where he had slept and done his homework, where he had thought of me and our future together, where we had slept holding each other and where we had made love. I somehow felt closer to him here, and Mrs. Cullen...Esme...followed me in without a word, so I assumed it was okay with her.

I sat on the edge of the bed, still unsure of what to do. My mind seemed to wander so readily that I didn't have time to concentrate on what I should do next, and my heart was still beating so loudly that I was sure Esme could hear it. She handed me my nightgown and I took it gratefully. I would get ready for bed. Then I would sleep.

I concentrated on finishing as quickly as I could in the bathroom so I could go back and get in bed. I successfully changed into my nightgown, only to hesitate when deciding what to do next. After I splashed some cool water on my face, I made my way back to Edward's room. When I got to the door, Esme was in the process of changing the bedsheets. She had one corner of the fitted sheet pulled up and was about to take it off when I finally found my voice.

"NO!" Esme's head snapped up and she looked at me in shock. "Please don't do that. I..." How could I explain to Edward's mother that I didn't want her to change the sheets because the old ones smelled like him? Because we had made love on those sheets? Because we spent the most precious time of our so far tragically short relationship in that bed, and that it was my last reminder of a love that I could lose at any moment?

Thankfully, I didn't have to explain. Esme slowly put the sheet back on the bed and piled the pillows up at the top. I was embarrassed by my outburst but too tired to care. As she was walking toward the door, Esme put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Get some rest. We'll talk in the morning. I just want you to know that you'll always have a place here with us, no matter what happens."

I gave her a small smile as she left the room quietly and quickly. I laid down on the bed, buried my face in Edward's pillow, and inhaled. My body instantly reacted to his scent. I was comforted almost immediately, and my heart rate decreased for the first time since Edward got on the plane. My mind however, still refused to slow down. Images quickly flashed into my consciousness with no apparent rhyme or reason: my father taking me on my first battleship at 8 years old; Esme putting a band aid on my knee after I had fallen in her yard when I was 6; Edward's face, full of love and fear, when he pulled me out of the water after my near drowning at age 9; the feel of Edward's body against mine as he danced with me on my 18th birthday.

I felt alone and isolated with my memories. Holding them close to my heart, but dreading the images that assaulted my mind. My mind felt out of control. The memories kept coming, despite my desire to escape them. I focused on Edward, on the love he had for me and on the precious memories we had created over just the last few days as I willed myself into a fitful sleep.

x-x-x

When I woke up it was dusk, which momentarily confused me. Then I looked at the bedside clock and realized that it was just after 5:00 in the evening, and I had slept for over 18 hours. Despite that, I had no desire to get out of bed. It was warm and comfortable and smelled like Edward. I felt my eyes slowly drift closed again and I had no means to fight it.

x-x-x

I woke again to someone softly shaking me and calling my name, but it sounded like it was underwater or being muffled by a pillow. I didn't want to wake up, so I tried to ignore the voice, but it just got louder.

_Alice. _

I remembered where I was and what the last few days had meant to my life, and all I wanted to do was put the covers over my head and sleep until I could see Edward again.

"Bella, come on. You've been up here for almost twenty-four hours. Mom wants you to come downstairs and eat something." I groaned in response, knowing I would have to get up eventually, but resenting it wholeheartedly.

"Tell your mom I'll be right down." She looked doubtful, so I reassured her. "I promise." I gave her a smile that I was sure didn't touch my eyes.

After changing my clothes and spending ten minutes in the bathroom freshening myself up, I made my way downstairs. Carlisle, Esme and Alice were putting dinner on the dining room table, but the thought of eating made my stomach turn.

Carlisle saw me first. "Bella! Are you feeling better? You must be starving." His face was so full of concern and love that I just wanted to cry, because that's how my father used to look at me. But instead I smiled and told him that I was feeling much better and was ready to eat. My heart was pounding again and I felt like it would beat out of my chest.

As we sat down and I picked at my roasted chicken and mashed potatoes, I felt everyone's eyes on me. When I looked up from my plate, everyone's head moved in another direction, so I knew I had been the center of attention. Alice was the one to break the tension, God bless her.

"School's out indefinitely. They're using the building now to register new recruits and to house supplies. Mom thinks they might need help if you want to go over with me later in the week. It might be nice to try to contribute and do our part." She was trying so hard to sound normal when nothing would ever be right again, and I loved her for it.

"Thanks, that's probably a good idea. I'll let you know." It wasn't something I had any desire to do. I didn't have a desire to do anything, but that seemed as good an answer as any.

Small talk continued throughout dinner, and when the dishes were finally cleared, I headed once again for the comfort of Edward's bed, but Carlisle's voice stopped me as I got to the base of the stairs. "Bella, could we talk to you for a minute?" I turned around to find him with Esme, standing in the middle of the living room, looking anxious. Everything in me screamed that I should run up the stairs and lock the door, that this wasn't a conversation I wanted to have, but some part of me forced my feet to move towards the couch and sit down across from them.

"We know you've had a rough couple of days," Esme began, "but we need to discuss a few things right away. Things pertaining to your father." I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what was coming.

She continued, "We called the Navy today about funeral arrangements for Charlie."

_Oh, God. Not now._

Esme came to sit next to me and put her arm around me, offering comfort. It felt foreign and out of place. I wanted to shrug her off, but the rational, thinking part of me never wanted to hurt the woman who had been like a mother to me, so I did nothing.

Carlisle cleared his throat and said, "We can handle everything. We just weren't sure what you wanted to do. Charlie left a will, along with his last wishes, so there really aren't that many decisions to make. The Navy will handle the expenses and we'll handle the arrangements and any decisions that need to be made, with your approval, of course"

I tried to process everything they were saying, but it was difficult. What did I want to do? I wanted to go back to bed. Now. "I know this is important, but can we talk about it tomorrow? I need time to think about it."

That appeared to satisfy them as they smiled and nodded at me. I'm pretty sure they said something, but I couldn't remember what it was. My heart was pounding again, and I needed the sanctuary of Edward's bed.

I excused myself to go back upstairs and felt my heartbeat slow down perceptibly as I slipped between the sheets. I tried to think about Charlie and what he would have wanted in a funeral, but I didn't get far before sleep took me again.

I woke the next morning at 5:00, surprisingly well rested. I got out of bed, bathed and changed, thoughts of Edward and my father always on the edge of my consciousness. I went downstairs to find Dr. Cullen alone in the kitchen making coffee.

"Bella, how are you this morning? Would you like something to eat?" He tried to smile, but he seemed sad.

"I'm feeling fine, Dr. Cullen." I was, wasn't I? "I'm not hungry, but I'll take a cup of coffee if that's all right."

He poured me a cup of coffee and we sat across from each other at the kitchen table. We sat in companionable silence for a while and it was nice. Dad and I used to be this comfortable with each other, and the thought made me smile.

Dr. Cullen eventually broke the silence. "Have you thought about Charlie's funeral at all?"

I hadn't, and it made me feel guilty. I looked down and said, "No."

"It's all right. You've had a lot to deal with in the last few days, more than most 18 year old girls have to deal with in an entire lifetime." He smiled sadly. "But there are some decisions to be made, so maybe you'd like to talk about it now."

I nodded my assent. "I'm getting married in a few weeks, maybe it's time I started acting like an adult." I wished I believed that I could be an adult when all I wanted to do was curl up like a child and have someone take care of me.

He smiled. "I never did get to tell you how pleased I am about you and Edward. When he told us about you and him the other morning, well…I'd never seen him look so happy." He grabbed my hand and squeezed briefly before letting go. "Thank you for that."

I blushed, happier than I ever could have imagined that he approved of our relationship.

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen, that means a lot to me."

We were silent for a moment before reality came back and reared its ugly head.

"So, Charlie's funeral…The Navy will handle most of the details. He'll be interred at the National Memorial Cemetery here on O'ahu. Esme and I thought we could have a little gathering here after the funeral, if that's okay with you."

I nodded. "Of course, that's very generous, thank you." I felt myself shutting down again, and I was powerless to stop it.

"No need to thank us. Charlie was my best friend." His voice cracked, and I realized what was making him so sad. I had been so consumed with my own grief that I forgot there were people besides me who would miss my father. Dad and Dr. Cullen had been friends for close to 25 years, and they had been as close as any two people I knew. Not only had he lost his best friend, but his only son was about to go off to war, and I hadn't even given his feelings, or Esme's, a second thought. Alice's brother and her boyfriend were both gone, both sure to be involved in a war some time very soon, and I hadn't thought of her at all.

I wanted to be more compassionate to everyone around me, but I was having trouble seeing past my own grief.

I provided what little comfort I could. "I'm sorry, Dr. Cullen. You know Dad loved you right? He thought of you more like a brother than a friend."

He quickly wiped away the tear that escaped his eye. "And I him." He cleared his throat. "So, we need to decide who will give the eulogy. Is that something you think you would like to do?" I immediately shook my head no. I couldn't imagine speaking in front of all those people about something as personal as my relationship with my father. That wasn't something I wanted to share.

Dr. Cullen looked at me, sadness and understanding apparent in his gaze. "I would be honored to do it, if you approve."

"Absolutely. The honor would be mine, Dr. Cullen." I felt tears welling in my eyes, and had an almost overwhelming need to go upstairs and crawl back into Edward's bed. I fought it. I needed to get through this.

"Please, call me Carlisle." He smiled sadly at me, and I again felt the sting of his loss as well as my own.

We discussed some of the other particulars about the funeral. It was currently Wednesday morning, and the funeral was tentatively scheduled for Friday morning at 10:00, pending my approval. The non-denominational ceremony would be at the grave site, with the burial following immediately afterward, then we would all meet back here. Carlisle assured me that he would call the Navy that very day and confirm the details, and I was grateful for his intervention.

We sat in silence for a while until Esme came into the kitchen. We told her about the discussion we had had, and she was pleased that the details had been settled. By the time Alice came down for breakfast, my heart was beating uncontrollably again and I knew I wouldn't last much longer. I thanked Carlisle and Esme for handling the funeral details and practically ran for Edward's bed. I stripped off my clothes, put my nightgown back on and crawled between the sheets, relief overwhelming me. I fell asleep almost instantly.

x-x-x

I stayed in bed all day Wednesday, allowing Carlisle and Esme to handle the details of Charlie's funeral. Alice knocked and came in that afternoon to ask about my plans for the next day.

"Bella, would you like to come to the school with me tomorrow?"

School? For what? "I don't think so." I just wanted her to go away and let me sleep.

"It might help you get your mind off of everything if we kept busy. Plus, we'd be helping the war effort." As if I cared.

"Okay, thanks. I'll see you later." Couldn't she take a hint?

She hesitated, almost said something, but thought better of it and got up and left. I was asleep before she closed the door.

A few hours later, Alice came back to ask me if I wanted to eat dinner. I told her no, and she left without another word.

There was a knock on the door a while later, and I called out, "Not now, Alice."

The response was not what I expected. "It's Esme, Bella. May I come in?"

Reluctantly, I said, "Yes, of course. Come in."

She opened the door, then reached down and picked up a tray that had been set down outside in the hallway. She placed the tray on Edward's desk and came to sit next to me on the bed. She put her hand on my head and rubbed my hair.

"Bella, I can't imagine how you must feel, but you must eat, please. I brought your favorite."

She didn't have to tell me, I knew exactly what she meant by my "favorite." The memories made my throat tight.

I was five years old, and it was the first time Charlie had to go away and leave me with the Cullens.

_I wanted my Daddy. Edward's mommy and daddy were nice, but this wasn't home and I was scared. I stood in the bedroom of their house, my little suitcase in one hand, my teddy in the other, not sure what to do. I felt like crying, but daddy told me not to be scared, that I was a big girl now, and I wanted him to be proud, so I choked back my tears._

_Edward's mommy came in the room and showed me the bed and helped me put my clothes away in the dresser. She smelled nice and she was pretty. After all of my clothes were put away, she took me to Sears and I got to pick out my very own bed set. When we got home, we put the pink with purple polka dot sheets on the bed, and I put Teddy down for his nap._

_After dinner, Edward showed me some of his new comics. We tried to read them together, but Edward was a much faster reader than me and he got mad when I asked him to slow down. So I drew with crayons at the kitchen table while he finished reading. I drew Daddy and Edward and me in front of my house. Edward said he liked it and we hung it on the refrigerator before Edward's mommy told us it was time to go to bed._

_I lay in bed that night, too scared to sleep. It was dark in my room. I had no night light here and Daddy wasn't here to read me a bedtime story. Edward's daddy read one to me, and it was nice, but it was Edward's book and it just wasn't the same._

_When the thunderstorm started, I panicked and ran across the hall to Edward's room. He was sleeping, but I was afraid and wanted him to wake up._

_"Edward?"_

_Nothing._

_"Edward?" I said a little louder._

_"Bella?" He sounded so sleepy._

_"I don't like the storm, can I sleep in here with you?"_

_He didn't say anything, just lifted the covers, and I crawled into his bed. He threw his arm around me and I fell right to sleep._

_When we woke up the next morning, Edward asked me why I was scared; we sometimes went out and played in the rain and I was never scared before. I thought about my daddy and felt like I wanted to cry. I turned my face into the pillow so Edward wouldn't see and make fun of me. He didn't. He just patted my back and told me to come downstairs with him for breakfast. He held my hand on the way down and it felt nice. Like maybe I didn't have to miss my daddy so much._

_That day in the school yard, Eric Yorkie said that I must be a bad girl because I didn't have a mommy and my daddy left me with Edward's parents. Edward pushed him into the dirt, but I just cried. I cried so much that the principal called Edward's mommy to come and get me. Edward's mommy yelled at the principal, and said that if the principal didn't call Eric's parents, then she would do it herself._

_We went back to the house, and Edward's mommy sat me at the kitchen table while she made me lunch. She talked while she cooked, and I listened. She had a pretty voice._

_"Bella, you know your mommy leaving had nothing to do with you, right?"_

_I just looked at her, not really sure what she meant._

_"You know how sometimes you and Edward have a fight, and you don't want to talk to him for a little while?"_

_I nodded. That I understood._

_'Well, your mommy and daddy would fight a lot, and it got so that they didn't want to be around each other anymore. Can you understand that?" I nodded, and she continued._

_"So your mommy left your daddy, not you. She needed to go and start over somewhere else. So no matter what any kids at school say, your mommy didn't leave because you were bad, okay?"_

_I thought I understood, but there was one thing that still made me confused._

_"Why doesn't my mommy come and see me sometimes?"_

_Edward's mommy looked sad. "I wish I knew, sweetie. But doesn't your dad take good care of you?" I nodded. I loved my daddy. "And you have Dr. Cullen and me for when your daddy can't be here, and I promise we'll take good care of you. And don't forget about Edward and Alice."_

_She set my lunch down in front of me; grilled cheese and tomato soup. I started to eat, but she wasn't finished talking yet._

_"Bella, you have a big family that loves you. Your daddy and Dr. Cullen and I will always take care of you." She came next to my chair and knelt next to me. "I love you, just as I love my own children." She hugged me quickly and kissed me on the head. I felt so good. _

Looking back, I now knew I felt so good because that was the first time I had ever felt the true love of a mother. I also knew that there would be a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup on that tray. It was the standard meal that Esme fed me when I was feeling down. It got me through countless scraped knees, fights at school, and disagreements with my father.

I don't think Esme had made it for me since I was 14, but she remembered and was trying to comfort me and make me feel normal and loved in her own way. I appreciated the effort, but that didn't mean I was ready.

She absently ran her hands through my hair, and as nice as it felt, I just wanted to be alone.

"Thanks, Esme. I'll eat something, I promise." I smiled as well as I could, hoping she would believe me. She didn't look convinced, but she left, much to my relief. I eyed the food on the desk but didn't have the will to get up and get it. I would eat later.

I dreamed that night for the first time since my father died.

_I was five again, and there was thunder and lightning outside my bedroom window. I ran around the house looking for my father, but he was nowhere to be found. My five-year-old self started to panic, until I saw a door at the end of the hallway that had never been there before. I was scared as I approached it, but I also knew that if I could get through it, I would be safe._

_The hallway seemed to go on forever as my dread grew. My heart was pounding and I was sweating and I just wanted my daddy. When I got to the door, I turned the knob slowly and stepped through._

_Suddenly, 5 year old Bella was replaced by 18 year old Bella, and there in the room was Edward, sleeping soundly on a large bed._

_Edward?"_

_Nothing._

_"Edward?" I said a little louder._

_"Bella?" He sounded so sleepy._

_"I don't like the storm, can I sleep in here with you?" _

_He lifted the covers and I crawled into his bed, but when I turned to face him, he was gone. _

I woke up in a sweat with Edward's name on my lips, my heart pounding, legs twisted in the sheets. I couldn't help the sob that escaped my throat. I wanted Edward here with me now, not thousands of miles away, and his absence made everything so much harder to deal with. If I could just lay next to him, maybe my heart wouldn't beat so fast and maybe I could actually think about my father without panic setting in. But he _wasn't_ here and I would have to make it through this on my own.

As the tears continued to fall, I thought of how safe I had always felt with Edward, and I tried to channel that feeling as if he were here with me. I imagined him behind me, arms wrapped around me, whispering words of love in my ear. It wasn't the same, it would never be the same, but it was all I had for now.

* * *

**Thanks, as always, to my betas brighterthansunshine28 and Lucette21. They make me so much better than I am.**

**Thanks to Daisy3853 and jstarrh for the preread and advice. And of course, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You ladies are awesome.**

**A special thanks for this chapter goes to staceygirl aka jackbauer for her help with my handling of Bella's grief. It wasn't necessarily easy to write, but knowing I got it right made it all worth it.**

**So, Bella's in a lot of pain, and this had to happen. She's grieving for the loss of her only parent and she's without Edward to help her through. She feels alone and abandoned. Give her some time.**


	5. Chapter 5

**My girl wwp got on me for not issuing a tissue warning for the last chapter. Consider yourself warned. See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

When I woke on Thursday morning, I looked at the bedside clock and saw that it was just before five o'clock. I still felt a little sticky after waking from my dream the night before, so I dragged myself out of bed and down the hall to the bathroom where I drew a hot bath. Sinking in with a feeling of relief, my thoughts turned to Edward. I wondered what he was doing, if he had written me yet, and if he was too busy to think about me when all I did was think about him.

The next thing I knew, Alice was knocking on the door, begging entrance into the bathroom. I didn't realize I had been in here for that long. It felt like minutes but was more likely hours considering Alice was awake and the water was noticeably cooler.

I slowly emerged from the bath and wrapped a large towel around myself. I was shaking from the chilled water as I opened the door. Alice seemed startled to see me but quickly recovered.

"You're out of bed. Do you want to come to school the with me today?"

I looked at her and shook my head. "Sorry about the wait. I'll see you later."

I walked down the hall to my room. Once I got there, I dropped my towel, put fresh pajamas on, and climbed back into bed. Edward surrounded me and I fell back into a dreamless sleep.

Esme came in and woke me at ten o'clock.

"Bella, your father's funeral is tomorrow. Do you have something to wear?"

Realization dawned on me slowly, but when it did, it was like a slap in the face. My father would be buried tomorrow, and I hadn't thought of the funeral at all. About what I would wear, what would happen, who would be there. None of this had occurred to me before now, and I felt like I had disgraced my father's memory. I let others handle what should have been my responsibility.

I choked back a sob and looked at Esme. "I don't know." Panic was rising in my chest. "Please, I need your help, I don't know." I felt on the verge of losing control as the tears rolled down my cheeks. How could I not know what I was wearing to my own father's funeral? What kind of daughter was I? Especially after everything he had done for me and had sacrificed for me.

Esme took me in her arms and stroked my hair, whispering words of comfort: that it would be all right, that we would find something, and that there was nothing to worry about. Despite the emotions raging through me, I felt myself slowly calm at her closeness and her words; Esme had always calmed me when I was a child, and it was no different for me now.

Once my sobs died down, she released me and asked me to get dressed and meet her downstairs. I knew I had one black dress hanging in my closet home, but the thought of going back there made my heart race. There were so many memories in that house; Dad and I lived there for the last 10 years, after he decided base housing was no place to raise a daughter.

Even though he was to be gone for months, I was sure I would walk in to see his morning coffee cup in the sink and his socks on his bedroom floor. He always seemed incapable of putting them in the hamper until laundry day, when he would gather them all and trudge downstairs to the washer. I smiled at the memory, but blanched when I realized I would never see that again. He was gone forever, and while I would have to face the house soon, I just couldn't do it today. I hoped Esme wasn't planning on taking me there.

When I found her in the kitchen fifteen minutes later, she had hot coffee and toast waiting for me. There didn't seem to be a question as to whether or not I would eat, so I did. The toast settled my empty stomach and the coffee warmed the chill I hadn't realized had settled into my bones after my marathon bath earlier in the morning.

As I was sipping my coffee, Esme sat down with me.

"I know this isn't easy for you, but we just need to go into town and get you a black dress. It shouldn't take long. Oh, and there's some mail for you. I called the Post Office earlier in the week to have your address changed and your mail forwarded. I hope that's all right."

I looked at her, trying to process the information. "That's fine. Thank you." Then something occurred to me that I had rarely thought about before. "Esme, I have no money. My dad used to give it to me whenever I needed it. I don't even know what bank he used. I have no way to pay for a dress."

As sad as I was, I was also a little annoyed that Dad would have gone to sea without leaving me some idea of how to take care of myself.

Esme put her hand on mine. "I'll be happy to take care of it for you, dear. Don't worry. And we'll figure out your financial situation when Carlisle gets home. Your father must have left him with the details."

She smiled at me and I offered her one in return, mumbling my thanks as I sipped my coffee.

But the fact that Carlisle knew more than I did about a situation that was critical to my well being was starting to eat away at me. What else did my father fail to tell me about?

We drove to town in silence, stopping in front of what I knew was Esme's favorite boutique. The proprietor seemed to know her well, and before I knew it I had a simple, long black dress, shoes, stockings and a purse.

When we got back to the house I took my clothes and hung them in the closet, then went to seek out Esme. I found her in the kitchen making lunch.

"Esme?"

She looked up from what she was doing and smiled at me. "Yes?"

I sat in a kitchen chair, elbows on the table. "What...I mean...Dad's funeral...is there anything I should know? I feel like, I don't know...like I missed something."

Esme's expression was a mixture of confusion and surprise. "I thought you asked Carlisle to handle it. I'm so sorry we didn't clear the details with you first, but we thought you weren't up for it."

Now she looked anxious, and irrationally, I was starting to feel a little angry. "Just like my finances? I wasn't up for that either, I guess."

I took a deep breath, willing myself to regain control. "I realize I asked you to handle it. I'm simply curious about the details, that's all."

She looked relieved as she laid out the details of the funeral, went over the program with me, and asked me if I wanted to change anything. I told her I didn't, and that she and Carlisle had planned it just the way I would have, which was true. I sometimes forgot how close Carlisle and Esme were to my father. They seemed to know him just as well as I did. Maybe better. How was that possible?

I spent the rest of the afternoon straightening Edward's room and trying to read, but the words kept running together and my mind kept wandering to my father and the anger I felt earlier in the day. I knew it wasn't fair, but I preferred anger to sadness because anger didn't hurt. It made me feel powerful, almost as if I had a grasp on a situation that was completely out of my control.

Left with nothing to do, Edward's bed was calling to me, but I resisted the urge. Instead, I went downstairs to look for Esme and found her in the kitchen getting dinner ready. She seemed surprised to see me, and even more surprised at my offer to help. We worked in companionable silence, the soft sounds of Duke Ellington on the radio.

Carlisle came home from his shift at the hospital soon afterward and asked me if I wanted to read over the eulogy he had written. I looked up from the salad I was making to see him holding a few pieces of paper.

"No, that's all right. I'm sure it's perfect." I couldn't help the slight sneer in my voice, and I didn't care.

His eyes flicked to Esme before looking at me, obviously confused. "Okay, let me know if you change your mind."

After Alice joined us, we set dinner on the table and everyone began to eat as I pushed my food around my plate. I was stewing in the anger that had been building in me all day. I wanted to get some answers from Carlisle about my finances, but decided to wait until after dinner.

After everyone was finished, Alice excused herself to her room as Esme started to wash the dishes and Carlisle stood at the ready with a towel, waiting to dry. It was a nightly ritual, and I would wait until they finished to get the answers I needed.

Then I noticed the mail sitting on the kitchen table and remembered that Esme told me that something had come for me. I looked through it, searching for my name, but found something addressed to Dad first.

It was a thick ivory envelope with his name typed neatly on the front. It was from the Navy, Bureau of Personnel. I turned it over, slipped my finger under the seal, reached in, and unfolded the single page that was inside.

My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely make out the words, but I soon realized what it was. It was a letter confirming Dad's orders to take command of the _Arizona_ on January 12, 1942, at 0500 hours. Something caught my eye, and I gripped the letter in my fist, my anger reaching a boiling point.

"Carlisle, could Dad have refused command of the _Arizona_?"

He looked taken aback by my question. "I'm not sure what you mean. You know the Navy puts officers where they're needed."

I was frustrated and wanted him to understand, so my voice was louder than normal. "I know that! But he managed to stay home for years. It says very specifically in this letter, 'Thank you for agreeing to take command of the _USS Arizona_.' So my question is, did he have a choice or not?" I slammed the letter down on the table, daring him to contradict me.

"However it came about, it was time for him to go and he knew it. You knew it too. He told me that you were very accepting when he initially told you about it last month."

"Damn it! He should have thought about me! He was all I had and he went and got himself killed. Where does that leave me?!" I was shouting, but I didn't care. "Now I have nowhere to call home and no family! How is this fair?!"

"Bella!" I forgot Esme was even in the room. She turned off the water and put down the pot she had been washing. She turned to me, incredulous. "Charlie loved you. He always thought of you first. How can you say such things?"

Why didn't she understand? "He left me to fend for myself at 18! How is that thinking of me first?!" My chest was heaving from the anger pouring out of me. "I don't even know where to get money if I need it! Why didn't he prepare me for this?!"

Carlisle walked over to me, put aside the dinner plate he had been drying, put his hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. When he spoke, his voice was stern but laced with compassion. "He never would have left you if he had known what was coming. You must believe that. I never saw a man who loved his child, girl or boy, as much as Charlie loved you." The tears were starting again, but that just made me angrier. I didn't want the despair anymore; I wanted the fury and the bitterness. I wanted what little relief I could get from the unending sorrow that had ruled my life since my father died. "He waited years for you to grow up so he could leave. He sacrificed everything for you. He struggled every time he had to leave you, even if it was for a few days. He hated that he couldn't provide you with a more stable home."

I couldn't help it. Every emotion I had been feeling for the past week came bursting out. I shrugged Carlisle off and I screamed. It felt good to have an outlet for my despair, so I did it again.

I picked up the dinner plate Carlisle had put down, and I screamed one final time before I threw it against the wall with all my might.

I turned and ran from the room, going upstairs to the only place I felt comfortable. I threw myself on Edward's bed and screamed and cried until I was hoarse. I screamed for my father, for my lost childhood, for this wonderful family that took me in and for Edward. I cried in fear of being alone, in helplessness that I would have to send Edward away to perhaps meet the same fate as my father, in the desolation I felt at the loss of my only family.

I eventually fell into an exhausted, dreamless sleep, fully clothed, holding onto Edward's pillow like a life line.

x-x-x

The day of my father's funeral dawned sunny and bright, in stark contrast to my mood. Besides the fact that I was burying my only parent today, I woke up knowing I had probably hurt the only people I had left in the world. I bathed and got dressed and walked down the stairs quietly and with great trepidation. I was afraid they would be angry with me. What would I do if they didn't want me to live here anymore?

I found Carlisle sitting quietly at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and staring out the window. I was fearful of disturbing him, but before I could turn around and walk out, he looked up at me. My heart fluttered, fearing the anger I was sure to find on his face. Then he did the last thing I expected.

He got up, came over to me, and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.

I buried my head in his chest, thankful for the comfort he was offering, and relieved that he wasn't angry with me. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me last night."

He kissed me on the forehead and said, "You have nothing to apologize for. You've been through so much already, don't worry about what happened last night. It doesn't matter. We're your family, we love you no matter what."

I took a deep breath. "Thank you."

I heard Esme and Alice come downstairs as I released myself from Carlisle's embrace. I offered an apology to both of them which they accepted without hesitation. I felt oddly lucky in the midst of my despair.

As we were sitting down to breakfast, there was a knock on the front door, and Carlisle got up to answer it. He came back quickly, and handed a yellow telegram envelope to me. I looked at him, but he just shrugged his shoulders. I opened it.

SORRY I'M NOT WITH YOU TODAY. BE STRONG. LOVE YOU MORE THAN I CAN SAY. LETTER TO FOLLOW.

EDWARD

Edward's telegram brought the reality of what I had to face today crashing down on me. I took a deep breath to try and slow the tears, but it was useless. A profound sadness settled into my heart. It was real. My father was gone. Not for a few months to learn new battleship technology, not to attend a convention or to train new recruits. No, he was gone for good. He would never hold me again, never again tell me how smart and special I was, never again take me to dinner at the O Club and point to all the other officers and tell me their embarrassing secrets to make me laugh.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

"Bella?" Alice asked softly. I looked up and realized they didn't even know who the telegram was from, much less why I was sitting there crying. Nor did I know how Edward knew Charlie was being buried today.

I wanted to answer her, but I was crying too hard and the words wouldn't come. Esme came over and put her arms around me and I held onto her for dear life. I was still clutching the telegram in my hand and thought briefly of giving it to Alice so they would understand what was making me cry, but it was personal and I didn't want to share it with anyone.

Once I calmed somewhat, I pulled away from Esme and choked out, "It's from Edward," as if that was enough of an explanation.

Esme was still kneeling in front of my chair, and I whispered to her, "How did he know?"

Thankfully, she understood what I was asking. "Charlie and Carlisle went through Annapolis with the current Superintendent. Carlisle called on Wednesday to give him the details and asked him to give the information to Edward." She smiled at me, pride evident in her gaze.

I gave her a small smile and said, "Thank you." I squeezed her hand and excused myself to go freshen up and repair the damage done by my tears. I folded the telegram and put it in my purse.

x-x-x

We got to the cemetery early and while I felt a little stronger for Edward's telegram, I desperately wanted him here with me. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and see me through my grief. Without him, all I felt was despair and sorrow so intense that I thought it might overwhelm me.

Alice held my arm as we walked up to the place where my father would be buried, with Carlisle and Esme behind us. I was grateful for their support, but the heavy feeling in my chest refused to go away.

Mourners filled the small outside space to capacity. I could only imagine how much larger it would have been had there been no war; every officer and recruit on Hawaii would have been there to honor my father's lifetime of service. Instead, the entire United States Navy was preparing for all-out war. But had there been no war, no attack on Pearl Harbor, Charlie would still be alive and all of this would be unnecessary.

Six Navy pallbearers lifted Charlie's coffin from a hearse and slowly marched it over to his burial site. The casket seemed so big, and there was a flag folded on one side of it. They positioned the coffin over his grave, pulled the flag taut over the top and expertly unfolded it and draped it over the entire coffin.

The pallbearers saluted Charlie's remains and stepped back to allow the service to begin.

The service opened with Admiral William Pye, newly promoted and newly minted commander of Pearl Harbor. He spoke of Charlie's military service and posthumously awarded Charlie the Navy Medal of Honor, the American Defense Medal, the Navy Distinguished Service Medal, and the Silver Star.

Carlisle's eulogy was beautiful and filled with words like honor, sacrifice, dedication and love. I think I even saw a couple of the men wiping tears from their eyes. To close, Carlisle spoke of Charlie's legacy:

"I mentioned Charlie's daughter Bella before, and I'm sure most of you know her and have seen her grow up, as I have. If there was one place Charlie would rather be than at sea, it was with Bella. Charlie will live on in her, and in her children. He will never be forgotten."

The thought that Charlie would never meet his grandchildren, that my children would never know the amazing man who raised me and sacrificed so much for me, tore at my heart. It all seemed so unfair and I wondered if I would do his memory justice to my children.

The eulogy was followed by a short service led by a Navy Chaplain and full military honors, which included _Taps_ being played by a bugler, a canon being fired, and three rifle volleys by seven riflemen.

After the flag was taken from his coffin by the six pallbearers and folded into a neat triangle, it was give to the Chaplain, who came over and presented the flag to me:

"As a representative of the United States Navy, it is my high privilege to present you this flag. Let it be a symbol of the grateful appreciation this nation feels for the distinguished service rendered to our country and our flag by your father."

I took the flag with a slight nod. The whole experience was completely surreal; like it was happening to someone else.

I stood with Carlisle and Esme as the mourners filed out, a sad smile plastered on my face for the benefit of those in attendance. I still needed to say goodbye to my father, and Carlisle had arranged for me to be alone with him for a few minutes after the ceremony. After everyone left, Carlisle and Esme took Alice to the car to wait for me.

I approached the casket slowly, overwhelmed at the task before me. I had to say goodbye to my father, and I didn't know how. I rubbed the ring on my left hand, trying to find the strength Edward saw in me.

I walked up and put my hand on top of the shiny oak casket. I absently noted that it was smooth to the touch and as I was about to remove my hand I hesitated, suddenly realizing that I would never again be as physically close to my father as I was at that moment. I kept my hand on the casket as tears silently ran down my face, and I wondered if they would ever stop.

"Daddy...I'm so sorry. I should have been able to handle this. I should have been able to plan this for you. Please forgive me."

I briefly rested my head on the top of the casket before lifting it and looking out into the blue sky of Hawaii, gathering the strength I needed to continue. "The Cullens are taking good care of me, so I don't want you to worry about me. Edward and I are getting married in a few weeks." A small smile found its way to my lips. "I know, it all happened so fast. You were right, just like always. I think you knew me better than I knew myself. I must have loved him for years but never admitted it, not even to myself, so there was no way I could have told you." I wished fervently that I could have confirmed for him what he already knew. I wondered if his last thoughts were of me, and if he knew in his heart that I would be taken care of.

"I hope you're happy about that. We really do love each other and he's going to take good care of me. I won't be alone." I wiped the tears from my cheeks and took a deep breath. "Daddy, I love you and I miss you so much. I wish you were here right now and that you could see me get married and graduate from college. I know you'll always be with me in your own way. I hope I can make you proud."

I kissed my fingertips and then put them on top of the casket.

"Goodbye, Daddy."

x-x-x

Back at the house, there was constant talk of my father. People were milling about, laughing and enjoying the early afternoon sunshine. I heard stories being told of my father from days gone by, but none of it seemed real; it was like they were talking about someone else.

After about an hour of enduring small talk and sympathy from virtual strangers, my body was literally screaming at me to go upstairs and get in bed, to sleep as close to Edward as I could get. I had an almost unendurable ache in my chest and I was shaking. My heart was pounding and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I was no longer able to pretend that I wasn't struggling. Carlisle must have seen the trouble I was having because he was at my side, holding me up with an arm around my waist.

"I think it's time for you to go lie down." I nodded, too weighed down with emotion to say anything.

Somehow, Carlisle's arm was replaced by Esme's and she was helping me up the stairs. She undressed me as if I were a child and put my nightgown over my head before helping me into bed.

I let out a loud sigh as my heart rate slowed and my shaking subsided. I fell asleep as soon as the door closed.

**A/N: ****Thanks to my betas brighterthansunshine28 and Lucette21. I shudder to think what you would be (or would not be) reading if they didn't get their hands on this before I posted it.**

**I did take some liberties with the military funeral, but they were minor details. I'm sure almost no one noticed, but if anyone did, be assured that I know exactly what I did.**

**Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me through this. I promise, they'll be together again before you know it.**


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter is dedicated to Daisy3853, who talked me off the ledge one night a few weeks ago when I was ready to throw in the towel completely, thanks to the craptastic mess that was the original chapter 6.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

On the Monday morning after my father's funeral, there was a knock on my door, and before I even had a chance to fully wake up and comprehend what was going on, Esme was sitting on the side of the bed with my hand in hers.

"Bella, dear, did you plan on getting out of bed today?" I just looked at her, not sure how to answer such a direct question. I had been in bed since Charlie's funeral, only getting up occasionally to use the bathroom or join the family for meals that I didn't eat.

"I need you to listen to me, okay?" I nodded my head.

"You've been through a lot, and I'm not diminishing the pain you've had to endure over the past week, but I can't let you keep doing this. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't be sad, but I think the time has come for you to get out of bed and stop letting the sadness you feel dictate your life."

My eyes widened at her words. How could she say that? My father died and Edward left and it _hurt_.

I wasn't letting my sadness take over, I just needed time to heal and to get away from the pain. The only time I didn't hurt was when I was sleeping and I needed that escape. What was wrong with that?

Maybe I just wasn't strong enough to handle what life had thrown at me. Maybe if my dad was still alive I could handle Edward being gone. If Edward was here maybe I could deal with my father's death instead of hiding from it.

Or maybe I just needed to get out of bed and deal with the hurt instead of escaping every chance I got. I was fooling myself if I thought it would be any easier to face this in a few weeks or a few months. It would hurt just as much and I would have spent weeks on end sleeping instead of trying to get on with my life. I knew all of these things logically, but logic didn't take away the ache in my chest or give me the energy I needed to get myself out of bed.

I wanted Edward to come home so I would feel better.

I wanted my father back alive and well so I would stop hurting.

I sat up in bed and ran my hands through my knotty, unwashed hair. "I'm sorry, I thought I was strong enough to handle all of this but I guess I'm not. I'm barely holding myself together. I feel like my life has been totally out of my control, and I don't know how to get it back."

Esme shook her head. "You _are_ strong. What you've been through in just the past week would cripple anyone. You've handled yourself remarkably well. I just want you to ask you something."

I looked at her, awaiting her question.

"Are you still planning on marrying Edward when he's finished at Annapolis?"

What was she talking about? "Of course I am, why would you ask such a thing?" Maybe he told his mother that he didn't want me anymore. Maybe he changed his mind. Panic gripped my chest. "Why? What happened? What did Edw-" She cut me off firmly.

"Bella! Listen to me, please. Nothing happened. I simply want to know when and where you plan on getting married."

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. "I..."

"I thought so. You need to start planning this wedding; it's five weeks away and nothing has been done." She looked stern but kind. "So come on, wake up and get out of bed. I'll help you, but I can't do this without you. It's your wedding, and Edward's, not mine. I realize after everything that's happened you wouldn't want anything too ostentatious, but it's still your wedding day and you only get to do it once, so let's make the best of it, shall we? Come meet me downstairs in 20 minutes, we have a lot to talk about."

She left the room and I slowly got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. After I got cleaned up and dressed, I went downstairs and met Esme in the kitchen. She smiled when she saw me.

"Would you like some breakfast?" I might be out of bed, but that didn't mean I was ready for food quite yet.

"No, thank you." I looked at the table and Esme had copies of _Nash's _and _Redbook _laid out, along with 2 pads of paper and pens. "What's all this?" I couldn't help but smile at the organizational skills; Edward was very much like his mother.

"Weddings require a lot of planning, and we don't have a lot of time. Sit." I got a cup of coffee and sat down with Esme to begin planning my wedding.

We placed a long-distance call to New York City Hall and inquired about licensing and learned there was a 24 hour wait after the application was filed for the license to become valid. Both parties needed to be present when the application was filled out. These requirements could be waived with a court order from a judge, which Esme told me Carlisle would handle.

When I asked her how, she winked at me and said, "Your future father-in-law has a lot of friends."

We requested a civil ceremony on Wednesday, January 21st, and the clerk penciled us in for eleven o'clock in the morning, pending the resolution of the license issue.

January 21st. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, that would be the day I married Edward. I couldn't help the smile that crept across my lips. It was more real now than it had ever been and I felt myself starting to get excited. Maybe I would have a reason to get out of bed tomorrow.

Esme wanted to spend some time looking through the magazines at hairstyles and dresses, but I told her that I thought we could just find something at a boutique in town, and that maybe Alice could help me with my hair. She seemed to ponder my remarks for only a moment before nodding her head.

As early evening set in, Esme and I went our separate ways after agreeing to go shopping for dresses the next day and I went to my room to start a letter to Edward. The temptation to crawl under those covers and forget for a while was strong, but for now at least, my desire to try to resurrect my life was stronger. I stared at the bed for a moment before deciding that the time had come. I went out into the hall linen closet and got a fresh set of sheets, planning to finally let go of a crutch that I hoped I no longer needed.

I stripped the sheets off slowly, assaulted by memories of the time Edward and I spent in the bed. I remembered his tender touch, his loving gaze, and the sheer pleasure he brought to my body. I thought about his voice as he told me he loved me, about the look of pure bliss on his face as I held him in my hand, and about how soft his lips felt as they moved with mine. Thinking about it brought a dull ache to the juncture of my thighs, and I longed for Edward even more than I had before. I quickly put the new sheets on the bed, put the old ones in the hamper, and sat down to write my letter.

Just as I was about to explain our potential troubles in getting a marriage license, Esme lightly knocked on the door and stuck her head in.

"Bella, you have a letter from Edward." She held it up and started to cross the room.

I practically jumped out of my chair in my haste to get the letter, a huge smile on my face. Esme handed me the letter and I heard to door close as she left.

I threw myself on the bed, tore open the envelope, and unfolded the letter inside. The sight of Edward's bold, neat script caused butterflies to take up residence in the pit of my stomach.

_December 9, 1941_

_My Dearest Bella,_

_I got here not long ago and my only thoughts are of you. Of your smile, your laugh, your kiss and your beautiful body. I miss you so much already that it's taking everything I have not to turn around and come home to you. To have left you at a time when you needed me the most nearly broke my heart, but I hope you, of all people, will understand why I had to do it. I have to do my part to make some sense of what happened on Sunday, and to make it right, in whatever way I can._

_Jasper and I arrived early this afternoon after some grueling travel. We had to transfer planes twice, once in California and again in Chicago. Both layovers were long, but having Jasper there made it more bearable. We didn't leave the airport in California, we were just so tired that we fell asleep in a couple of chairs and only woke up when it was time to leave. We had more energy when we got to Chicago so we went into downtown and grabbed an early diner. I can't wait to take you there Bella. The night was young, but the streets were already teeming with people, the food was delicious and jazz clubs lined the streets. I can only imagine the music that comes out of those clubs every night. We'll have to plan for it some day, maybe even during my first leave after New York_

_Speaking of New York, have I told you how much I love you and how I __can't wait for you to truly be mine?__ Well, I do and I can't. I asked Jasper to be my best man, and he agreed, on the condition that his parents be invited so he can be with them on his leave. I didn't think it would pose a problem, so I told him it would be fine. How are the wedding plans coming? I have no preference for anything really, except the bride._

_There are so many things I wanted to say to you before I left, but you know how I get. I clam up and get nervous and over think what your reaction will be. It's so much easier to say things in a letter._

_Bella, the gift you gave me on Monday morning is something I will always treasure. I felt like a nervous, bumbling boy but when I looked at you, I knew that the love we share was the purpose behind what we did, more so than the physical act itself. Not to say that I didn't enjoy the act itself, because it was the most incredible experience of my life. I'm just so happy that it was with you, that we waited for each other, and that neither of us will ever know another._

_I'm so tired, I must get some sleep. I just needed to get my thoughts on paper before I collapsed into bed. I will write more tomorrow when I'm coherent. I love you more than words can express. I will sleep and dream only of you._

_It's Wednesday night, and I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to write again before now, my Bella. They had us up early this morning running drills and acclimating us to the school. For as long as I can remember, I dreamed of being here, of being in uniform and being able to say I was an officer in the United States Navy. Before you, it was my fondest wish. Now that I have it, I'm approaching it with some trepidation, as it's the thing that's now taking me away from you. I know we can't control circumstance, but I would have given almost anything to have been with you for those few precious weeks we would have had before I left._

_I wanted to take you to a film and hold your hand during the scary parts, and have you put your head on my shoulder during the boring parts, and kiss you during the romantic parts. I wanted to take you for ice cream at Roselani's and help you lick your cone before it melted, just like when we were kids. I wanted to watch the sunset with you on the beach behind my house and hold you as the cool evening breeze set in. I wanted to hold your hand as we walked the halls at school so everyone would know that you belonged to me, and I to you. I wanted to kiss you and touch you without feeling rushed. Most of all, Bella, I wanted to propose to you properly with a ring and your father's permission._

_Do you think he would approve, Bella? I sincerely hope so. I admired him so much, and want to take care of you the way he did; better even. He was such a good man, such a good officer, but the thing I admired most about him was that he was an exceptional father. He made you who you are, Bella, and I love who you are more than anything in this world. I only hope I can emulate him with our own children._

_We've never talked about children, have we? I suppose there's a chance we may need to talk about it sooner rather than later. I should have been more responsible, I know, but I just wanted you so badly and I knew that we could handle whatever happened as long as we were together. Ideally, I would like to wait on having children until our future is more certain, but we can't go back and change what's already done. Please contact me right away if you are. I may not be able to rush home right away, but I'll support you in every way I can._

_Rear Admiral Brown, the Superintendent, just this minute came in and gave me the details of Charlie's funeral. If anyone knows how close you were to your father, and how much a part of you he was, it's me. I want to be there when you say goodbye to him, and I'm more sorry than you'll ever know that I can't be. Please be strong and know that I love you and that you're not alone._

_Rear Admiral Brown also informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I was to take good care of Charlie Swan's daughter or I would answer to him._

_Jasper and I are bunking together, fortunately, but he's across from me grousing about the light being on, so I must end here._

_They have us scheduled for aptitude tests and more drills tomorrow. I'm hoping to get this letter off in the morning, but I'll probably just start another one right away. I can't believe we've only been apart for two days; it seems like so much longer. I miss you so much and love you more than I will ever be able to express with mere words._

_You are the strongest person I know._

_All my love,  
Edward_

I read the letter, and then read it again, as tears fell down my cheeks. He loved me. He thought I was strong. I wasn't sure about the strong part, but his belief in me certainly made me feel a bit more brave. I took a deep breath, folded the letter, put it back in the envelope and went downstairs for dinner.

x-x-x

Esme and I were making dinner the next night when I felt her glance at me.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?" I was wrapped up in cutting carrots and thinking about my wedding night.

Speaking of which. "Is there anything you'd like to ask me about your honeymoon?"

I turned and she was looking directly at me. I flushed; not because of the topic, but because I didn't want her to know that I had more knowledge than an unmarried girl should have.

"Um, no, I don't think so. Besides, didn't we have this conversation when I was 12?"

She smiled at me. "Yes, but back then things were more abstract. They're more real now and I want you to go into this with your eyes open."

"Esme, I..." I blew out a long breath and wondered how to answer her without really answering her.

"Bella, wait. I'm not going to ask you what happened between you and Edward before he left; that's between the two of you. However, I like to think that I'm a fairly perceptive woman and I can guess that your honeymoon won't be a complete surprise to you. I just want to make sure you know what to expect."

I looked at her, wanting desperately to ask her about some of the things Edward and I had done, but she was his mother and it just felt wrong.

She noticed my apprehension and touched my arm. "How about if I talk and you listen? If you have any questions just stop me and I'll try to answer them."

I nodded quickly, seemingly concentrating on the carrots I was cutting, but listening intently to what she had to say.

She talked quite a bit that afternoon. The most important thing I learned was about the time of the month to abstain from sex in order to avoid pregnancy. The rest of what she had to say reassured me about what Edward and I had already done and what I could expect, emphasizing that despite any talk I may have heard at school, a woman could achieve just as much pleasure from intimacy as a man.

I didn't do much for the rest of that week, and I still spent more time in bed than I had before that Sunday when my life changed so drastically, but I tried to eat dinner with the family every night; I wasn't always successful but I made the effort. I spent my days writing and reading. I wrote Edward long letters about our wedding plans, about home and about our future together. I also wrote a letter to my father that I planned on leaving at his grave site when I felt brave enough to visit.

Esme and I found the perfect wedding dress at a small shop right in town. We had it fitted and they assured me it would be ready two weeks.

We booked The Plaza Hotel in New York for a wedding luncheon directly after the ceremony, and Esme and Carlisle booked the honeymoon suite for Edward and me as part of our wedding gift. The rest of the family would also be staying at The Plaza, but Esme promised that Edward and I would be allowed to enjoy our honeymoon without interference from anyone.

Carlisle came through rather quickly with the court order. He came home on Thursday night to find me in the living room and told me it was taken care of. Edward and I just had to sign the paperwork when we got to City Hall in New York and we could get married on the spot. When I asked him how he pulled it off he just winked at me, leaned over and whispered, "Anything for my children," before kissing me on the cheek and heading for the kitchen.

That same night, Alice and I sat on my bed and I asked her to be my maid of honor.

She stood from the bed and literally jumped up and down in her excitement. "Really?! Oh my God, I can't wait to shop for my dress! What color should I wear?"

"Alice! Stop!" I laughed at her enthusiasm; it was practically contagious. "You can pick your own dress in whatever color you choose."

"Really?"

I shrugged. "I don't really care that much. Do whatever you want about the dress. I'll go with you if you want me to, but I trust you."

She sat hard on the bed and her smile faltered "I don't understand. Don't you have a color scheme and flowers picked out? Haven't you been thinking about this for a long time?" She looked so confused, and even though I didn't want to have this conversation, I did want her to understand.

"Alice, I'm marrying Edward because I love him, not to have a wedding. I just want to get married without all of the pomp and circumstance. It's not important, especially now, after everything that's happened."

She sobered a little and nodded her head. "Okay. I know I get excited, I've just always pictured my own wedding a certain way and thought you might have too. I guess it does seem ostentatious what with the war and what happened to your dad and all."

"I just want to keep it simple and about Edward and I, not about flowers and dresses. I promise, when you get married we'll go all out." She was silent and didn't return the smile I offered her.

"Can I ask you something, Bella?" She wasn't meeting my gaze.

I touched her arm gently. "Of course. Anything."

"You and Edward...I mean...did you...?" She let out a long breath. "I want to go all the way with Jasper." She said it so quickly that I wasn't sure I heard her correctly until I saw her blush. Her next words came in a rush. "I mean, he may go away and what if I never see him again? I know I don't want anyone else and I'll wait for him to come home and then we can get married and-"

"Alice, stop! Slow down. Has Jasper proposed?" It would be news to me.

"No, but we love each other and isn't that the point? You and Edward spent the night together before you were married."

I sighed. "My relationship with Edward is different from yours with Jasper. We've known each other all of our lives and we're getting married." She looked upset, so I took her hand and said, "Look, I know you care about him, but maybe you should wait at least until he proposes. If you wind up marrying someone else, what will he think if you're not a virgin?"

"Did you and Edward...did you....?" She looked at me, pleading with her eyes for me to hear her unasked question, and I decided to be honest.

"Yes, we did. But we were already engaged before we took that step, and we're older than you. Only by a year, but you still have a whole year of high school left. There's no rush."

"What was it like?" Her avoidance of my reasoning just proved that she wasn't ready. But she was my friend and I wanted to give her a candid answer just in case she decided to move forward with her plan.

I shrugged my shoulder. "Physically, it was painful at first, but it felt better after a while. In every other way it was an unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I don't know how to explain it. I felt closer to him in that moment than I had ever felt to anyone. It was like nothing in the world could come between us, even though I knew he was leaving in just a few hours." I shook my head. "I don't know if any of that makes sense. It's so hard to explain."

She was looking at me oddly. "You really love my brother, don't you?"

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Yes, I do. Did you doubt me?"

"No, I just...well...he's my brother and you're my best friend and I just never really pictured you together. Things happened so fast, and I never saw you together as a couple, so it hasn't been real for me until now."

She didn't say anything else, but I wanted to make sure she was completely prepared if she decided to be with Jasper. I was no expert, but there was one thing I needed to make sure was clear to her.

"What if you get pregnant? Is that a risk you're willing to take? You'll be unmarried and pregnant, with your boyfriend overseas. And what if something happens to him and he can't come back and marry you?" She suddenly looked very unsure of herself and I hoped she was seeing the logic in my argument.

"What about you? You could have gotten pregnant," she said quietly.

"How do you know I'm not?" It had been on my mind for days, but I had no way of knowing what my situation was yet. I didn't feel any differently, but having never been pregnant, I wasn't sure if that was an indicator or not.

Her hand flew to her mouth and she was shaking her head. "Are you?"

"I don't think so, but you need to understand the difference between my situation and yours. I'll be married in 4 weeks. It would have been acceptable for me to have a child. What if you got pregnant and Jasper didn't come home?"

"Oh." Realization was dawning on her, finally. She dropped her head and sighed.

"I know you love Jasper, truly I do. If anyone understands, it's me, but there are consequences." I peered at her, willing her to look at me. "Hey, Alice, come on." Finally, she looked at me. "It'll happen when it's right. Don't force it."

Tears were welling in her eyes. "I'm scared."

Ah. Now I understood her rush.

I took her hand and held it tightly. "Me, too."

We talked a little more about the men we loved going off to war, about her volunteer work at the school and about the wedding. It was nice to have my best friend back.

x-x-x

I spent the weekend cleaning out my house with Alice, Esme and Carlisle. We got there early on Saturday morning, boxes in hand. I took a deep breath before opening the door, lightly touching the ring on my left hand.

I could do this.

Esme came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder. "We can wait. It doesn't have to be today."

"Yes, it does," I told her, as I reached behind me and put my hand on hers. "I'm ready."

The house already smelled a little stale so I went to open the windows and let some fresh air in. When I turned back to the room I saw everyone standing there looking at me, seemingly looking for direction.

"I think I'll start in my room." I made my way to the stairs as Carlisle called out to me.

"Bella, would you like me to take care of Charlie's room?"

I was grateful that he had offered; it had been what I was most dreading. "Thank you, yes."

I stepped into my room and surveyed my surroundings. When I left for the weekend 2 weeks ago, I had no idea I would never live here again; I hadn't left it a mess, but it wasn't clean either. There were clothes on the floor and some of my school books lay open on my desk. There was a glass of water on my night table next to a picture of my dad and me and a huge fish I caught on a camping trip we took with the Cullens when I was 9.

I almost panicked at the huge undertaking before me, but took a deep breath, dropped my boxes, and started sorting through all of my worldly possessions.

Some time later, after I piled all of my clothes into boxes, I started on my books. I had so many and I wondered if I should take all of them or give some away. Unable to make a decision, I decided a break was in order. I grabbed the picture from my night table and made my way down the hall to Charlie's room, where I found Carlisle sitting on the floor in front of the closet, Charlie's military records and awards spread before him. I quietly entered and sat down next to him. He turned to me, a sad smile on his face, but said nothing.

We spent a few minutes looking over Dad's medals and citations; I knew what all of them were for, I had heard the stories countless times. I just hoped I could remember all of them so I could tell the stories to his grandchildren some day, and they could be as proud of him as I was.

Carlisle let out a small sigh. "I miss him."

I leaned my head on his shoulder as we shared our grief. "Me, too."

Carlisle noticed the picture I had in my lap and said, "I remember that trip well."

I picked my head up from his shoulder and glanced at the picture. "Remember how angry Edward was when I caught that fish? His three didn't equal the size of my one and it was somehow made worse by the fact that I was a girl." I smiled at the memory of a 9 year old Edward scowling at me.

"How could I forget? Not one of my son's best moments." Despite his words, Carlisle was smiling. "I remember how proud your father was of you. His little girl caught the biggest fish of the day."

The mention of my father sobered me. "I wish he was alive to be proud of me in the things that really matter, like graduating college."

Carlisle turned to look at me. "You know Bella, Charlie was proud of everything you did. He thought you could do anything and be anything you wanted."

"Did he? Did he really believe that, or did he just say it?" I wasn't sure where that question came from, but it must have been something I'd been pondering in the back of my mind for it to come out so abruptly. Now that it was out there, I was hoping to get an honest answer.

"Of course he did. He bragged to me about every report card, he told me about every lap you swam in the pool, he mentioned every time you were tougher than the boys you played with, including Edward. You were his hero."

"He was mine," I said quietly, delighted that my father spoke so well of me to Carlisle.

We had packed all of Charlie's personal belongings, and most of mine, when we decided to call it a day in the late afternoon. As we were walking out of the house towards the car, I mentioned giving away all of our furniture and kitchen appliances until Alice spoke up.

"Won't you and Edward need furniture and dishes and stuff for your house? When he comes home, I mean." I looked at her, shocked. How had I not considered that? Where would we live and raise our family? I had no idea, and the old panic started to set in. I was having trouble getting through a day at a time - I didn't know if I could deal with questions that large.

Esme put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed. "Don't worry about that now, Bella. Let's go home and we'll see how you feel tomorrow."

I nodded my thanks, but I knew that I wouldn't make it tonight. Sleep was calling to me more loudly than it had all week, and I had no strength left to fight.

When we got home that night, I went straight to my room and finished my letter to Edward. It was already a long letter, but I wanted so desperately to tell him about today.

_I just got back from cleaning out my house with your mom and dad and Alice. They've been so wonderful and I hope they know how grateful I am, even though I don't always show it. Your father spent all day packing up Charlie's room for me and all I could do was say thank you. I want to express my gratitude more sincerely, but I just don't know how to. I feel like they give and give and all I do is take. I'm trying so hard to be strong, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by everything that's happened. God, I wish you were here._

_I have boxes and boxes of clothes and books and pictures and things that might look nice in our house some day. Remember the painting of the girl and boy holding hands on the beach that Dad had in his den that you liked so much? I have it. I hope one day we can hang it in our house._

_Edward, where do you want to live? I know that while you're away I'll rent us a house wherever your ship will dock, but what about after the war? Will we live in Hawaii or maybe go to the mainland? I wish our future was more certain. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you and I don't feel like I have a future without you. Please come back to me. I don't think I can do this without you._

_I want to send this letter off, so I'll close with this. I can't wait to see you again, to be your wife, to hold you, to kiss you, and to make love with you. It's so hard living without you._

_Love,  
Bella_

* * *

**A/N: So. This was a long chapter. It wouldn't have been realistic for Bella to get over her father's death and Edward's absence in a day, so we must see her through her recovery. She's almost there, promise.**

**Sincere thanks to my wonderful betas brighterthansunshine28 and Lucette21. This chapter has been kicking my ass for weeks and I would **_**still**_** be working on it if not for their advice and guidance.**

**My heartfelt gratitude to everyone who has reviewed so far. You are all fabulous and I appreciate every word.  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Couple of things to keep in mind when reading this chapter. Please remember that it's 1942 and there's global war going on, so mail will be slow and letters do cross in the mail.**

**Also, public education and what was required to receive a high school diploma was very different back then as compared to now.**

**Special thanks to by spectacular betas Lucette21 and brighterthansunshine28. They make me much better than I am.**

**I've been dropping teasers on my Twilighted thread so come have a look if you're interested.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

_December 24, 1941_

_Dear Edward,_

_Alice and I are sitting around the Christmas tree with your parents listening to President Roosevelt on the radio. It's nice to just sit quietly with everyone for a little while. It makes me miss you more though, since my mind isn't busy enough to forget. Not that I want to forget you; I need to forget the pain of your absence. That's why I've been trying so hard to keep myself as occupied as possible._

_I've started volunteering with Alice down at the school. They've been using it to house medical supplies and to give physicals to the new recruits. I spent yesterday taking medical histories. It's not terribly exciting work, but it keeps me busy and some of the boys were very nice. One of them even asked me out on a date, but after I politely told him that I was engaged to be married he backed off immediately. He seemed genuine and sweet so I excused myself and got Jessica Stanley to come and finish working with him. By the end of our shift they were leaving together to go get a soda down at Kalihi's._

_Most of the girls from our class volunteer at the school every day. Many of the boys are there too, but for different reasons, as you can imagine. It was hard at first since they all knew we were engaged and made up their own reasons why, none of which involved the fact that we loved each other. Initially, the rumor was that I was pregnant and you had to marry me. That has since morphed into your mom and dad were forcing you to marry me because I have no parents and had nowhere to go. I will admit that I found it really hurtful when I first heard it, but I've since come to accept that people are shallow creatures who will choose to believe what they want to believe, despite the truth. I wonder why it's so hard for people to understand that we love each other and that there's no ulterior motive behind our marriage. I guess it doesn't really matter as long as we know the truth._  
_  
There's still talk, but I think Alice has successfully quashed the pregnancy rumors. By the way, I'm not. I know you were concerned about it, but there's no need to worry. I do suppose it's something we should talk about, especially because I agree about waiting. I just don't feel ready to be a parent. I'm barely holding it together as it is, I couldn't imagine adding an infant to the mix. Nothing would make me happier than to have your children some day, but I want to wait for a time when we can be together and when I feel more sure of myself. I have some ideas about how we can delay it which we can talk about when I see you, but according to my calculations, there should be little risk during our honeymoon. Although I have to admit that even if it wasn't the best time, I wouldn't care. I find myself often thinking of our wedding night._  
_  
We read my dad's will earlier this week. It was pretty straightforward - he left me everything. The house, some savings and the death benefit from the Navy. I had no idea what to do with it all until your dad told me he would contact his accountant for me. I guess he's going to invest it and hold it until we need it. I need to sell the house, but I'm not quite ready to do that yet. It's still full of boxes of Charlie's and my things; it seemed silly to bring the boxes here when they're full of things I don't need._

_Did I ever tell you that Dad knew about us before there was an "us"? When we went out to dinner the night before he died, he asked you those questions about what you wanted to do with your life because he was convinced that you and I would be together. He told me as much earlier in the week. He said that we looked at each other in ways that we didn't look at anyone else. I found it strange at the time, but it also made me a little hopeful. I think that was when I started to realize that I was in love with you. He knew me so well and I still miss him so much. I feel like my life is in limbo, in between my time with my father and my time with you. I don't like feeling this way._

_God, I wish so much that you were here. I want to sit with you and look at the Christmas tree and whisper to you all the different ways that I love you. I want to kiss you after you drink egg nog and see if I can taste it on your mouth. I want to fall asleep in your arms so I don't feel so alone and afraid all the time._

_Do you remember the Christmas when we were 11, and my dad was away? It was my first Christmas without him, and I was feeling sorry for myself, and you found me late on Christmas Eve, sitting in front of the tree, crying. You put an arm around my shoulder, and I leaned into you, but neither of us said anything. You didn't have to say anything, you made me feel better just by your presence and a simple touch. I want that now. Maybe I'm selfish, but I want you with me and the rest of the world be damned. I feel so strangely empty without you. I feel like if you could just put your arm around me maybe I would feel something._

_I miss you, and I count the minutes until I'll see you again. Until I can run my fingers through your soft hair, kiss your lips, and feel your body pressed to mine. It can't come soon enough._

_I love you,  
Bella  
_

x-x-x

__The phone rang during Christmas dinner and Esme went to the front foyer to get it. I heard her talk for a moment before she called out to me.

"Bella, it's Edward!"

I ran for the phone and practically tore it out of her hand.

"Edward!?"

"Bella." He said my name as a sigh, and it made my knees weak. I sank down to the floor next to the telephone table, receiver pressed to my ear, knees drawn up to my chin.

"God, Bella, it's so good to hear your voice."

"Yours, too. How are you able to call?"

"It's Christmas, everyone's getting a ten minute call."

There was a slight pause before blurted about the last thing I wanted to say.

"I love you and I miss you and I want you to come home."

I heard his soft sigh on the other end. "Me too. I miss you so much. All I want to do is come home." There was another pause. "I just can't."

"I know you can't, that's just how I feel."

"Bella...God...you're all I think about. I want you with me all the time. I just need you to keep being strong for a bit longer."

"I'm not strong at all. I feel helpless without you."

"You are _not_ helpless. You can do this. I know you feel alone, but you're not."

"I'm trying. I wish I could be the person you think I am."

"You are. Is it so hard for you to see?"

I felt hot tears start to burn my eyes and took a deep breath to regain control. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want our to waste our brief conversation time crying.

"We booked our flight to New York."

"Bella..." I knew he wouldn't like the abrupt change in conversation, but I was so tired of being sad.

"Please, Edward. We don't have much time left."

His sigh was resigned. "Okay, but we will talk about this." His voice left little room for discussion. "When will you get there?"

"We're leaving on Monday afternoon and should be in New York by Tuesday morning. Your mom wanted to get me there early to shop for my trousseau."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You're beautiful in white, Bella." His voice was almost a whisper.

"I can't wait to be alone with you."

"Oh, God." He practically groaned. "I want you so much. I think about being with you all the time."

"Me, too."

"Only a little more than 3 weeks left. We've gotten through 2 and a half already. We'll be together before you know it."

"I know, I'm trying. I love when you write. I'm sending you a long letter tomorrow."

"I'm sending you one, too. They'll probably cross in the mail." There was a pause as someone next to the phone spoke to him. "I only have three minutes left. I don't want to hang up."

My throat got tight but I pushed back the tears. I missed him so much. "Me either, but you should talk to your dad, you haven't spoken to him yet."

"Okay. I can't wait to be with you. Keep writing me."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I called out to Carlisle, who came and took the phone I held out for him.

x-x-x

_December 31, 1941_

_My Dearest Bella,_

_It was so good to hear your sweet voice on Christmas, even though it caused me a sleepless night. Not that I'm blaming you, I just miss you and my pulse would race every time I replayed our conversation in my mind - and I replayed it many, many times. However, I feel newly energized, ready to do everything I can to make the time pass quickly until I can see you again. I'm not sure how I'm making it through every day without hearing your voice or touching you or seeing you._

_To answer your question from a previous letter, I would live anywhere with you. I know that's not the answer you were looking for, but it's all I've got. I know things will be up in the air while I'm away, but as for a permanent solution, I really don't know. I'd like for us to be close to Mom and Dad, but I always felt a little isolated at home. Remember how overwhelmed we were when we went to New York a few years ago? But we loved it, and I enjoyed Chicago, so maybe we should think about a larger city on the mainland. Perhaps something close to Hawaii like Los Angeles or San Francisco. We don't have to decide anything right now, but it's something to think about._

_Your letters are sounding less morose, and for that I'm grateful. I worry a little about your plan to stay where my ship docks. It may be Hawaii, but if it's not, I'm not sure that I want you to be alone in a strange place. What if it's San Francisco or Connecticut or Virginia? I think I would be too worried about you to be comfortable with that. Not only is it not safe for a woman to live by herself, especially in a strange town, but I don't want you to be alone and sad. If you were trying to hide your despair in your previous letters, you didn't do a good job. I know you're feeling better, and I know it was partially because of your father, but I know you well enough to know that there was more to it than that. I love you, and it pains me to see you so despondent. At least if you stay in Hawaii you'll have Mom and Dad and Alice. I would hate to lose any time with you while I'm on leave but I also want you happy and healthy, so please think about what I said._

_I wish I could tell you about what's been going on here, but they've asked us to keep mum on the details, and I must honor their wishes. I will go so far as to say that a few of the other boys and I have been removed from the group of boys I came here with. I still see Jasper every night before lights out, but it's almost like we're at two different schools. Hopefully I'll have more to tell you when I see you. _  
_  
It's almost midnight here, and I wish so much that I could kiss you to ring in the new year. I've spent almost every New Year's Eve I can remember with you, and this is the one I want to be with you more than any other. I think my favorite was when we were 16. Do you remember that night?_

_I love you and I want nothing more than to take care of you. Please think about the things I've said and remember that I say them out of concern for you and your well being._

_Love,  
Edward_

__x-x-x

_January 9, 1942  
_

_Dear Edward, _

_No. There is no way I'm staying in Hawaii if you're docking elsewhere. You forget that right now. I love you, you're going to be my husband and it's hard enough to be away from you without the time we'll lose while you travel to me. I would follow you anywhere. Don't you know that by now? _

_I know I've been sad, and I'm sorry that it upsets you. But I'm getting better. With each day that passes our wedding gets closer and my sadness lifts just a bit more. Don't you see? You make me happy. Just the thought of you can lift my mood. Even if you're gone for six months, getting your letters and knowing you're coming home to me will keep me content. I understand why you would be worried, but I can't be without you. Please understand._

_Everything for the wedding is about ready. I had to guess your ring size in order to get our wedding bands, but I think I was close; your hands are especially vivid in my mind right now. Your mom and dad have been so wonderful about everything. With my Dad gone, they have insisted on paying for everything. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but they won't allow me to give them any of the money my dad left me. Your dad told me that I was already like a daughter to them anyway, so they were only doing what was right. He looked so sincere when he said it that I started to cry. I feel so lucky that I'm becoming a part of your family._

_Alice is so excited about the wedding and can't wait to see Jasper. Esme spoke to his parents and they'll both be coming to the wedding. Alice is a little nervous about meeting them but I keep assuring her that they won't be able to help but love her. How could they not? Everyone loves Alice._

_Of course I remember the New Year's Eve when we were 16, I just can't figure out why it was so significant to you. All I remember is that your parents and my dad went to a party at the base and you and Alice and I stayed home and played cards and listened to the radio. And if I remember correctly, we fell asleep on the couch before midnight. Why was it your favorite?_

_I've really been enjoying my work at the school; I like contributing in some way to the war effort. It seems like the whole island has mobilized; the school is always packed with volunteers, your father mentions the amazing amount of help he receives at the hospital and everyone just seems nicer. I don't know how to explain it. It's like we've all been through hell together and we have a shared experience that no one else can understand. Although something happened the other day that really upset me. Do you remember Ben Cheney? Well, some of the other kids, including Mike and Eric, have been giving him a hard time, calling him a Jap and asking if he was going to fight for the other side in the war. Poor Ben looked like he was about to cry, but he stood his ground and told them that he was born and raised here and he was just as American as they were. I was proud of him and felt disgusted with Mike and Eric. I've seen other incidents of cruelty to the Japanese on the island, and it makes me wonder; how can people be so good one minute and so ugly the next?_

_My friend Angela has been dating Ben but her father has told her that she's no longer permitted to see him. She's positively heartbroken and refuses to listen to her father; she sees Ben every day when we volunteer and has assured me that she's going to wait for him after he joins up after his 18th birthday (his parents won't allow him to go before then). They want to get married, and I'm sure she's serious when she tells me she would disown her parents for Ben, they love each other that much. This war has altered our lives in so many ways, and it's only been just over a month. Angela and her parents were always so close, and Mike and Eric and Ben were always inseparable. What's happening to us?_

_I've worked it out so I'll be getting my diploma without having to take any more classes. Principal Greene said I was an excellent student and that he had no doubt that I would have finished the rest of the academic year with ease. I'm grateful to him for that since that will allow me to immediately follow you after New York, no matter where you go._

_I'm getting more and more excited for our wedding. Thoughts of you keep me up at night, restless for your touch and your kiss. I know our future is uncertain in so many ways, but the prospect of you and I starting our life together brings me a happiness I never knew existed._

_I love you,  
Bella_

_x-x-x_

_January 14, 1942_

_My Dearest Bella,_

_All I can think about is meeting you in New York next week. I'm a bundle of nervous energy, just wanting the day you become my wife to be here. I've been driving poor Jasper crazy; any time he tries to talk to me he has to repeat himself 2 or 3 times until I acknowledge him since my mind is usually off somewhere thinking of you and the time we'll be able to spend together. I know it will be short, but I want us to enjoy it while we can. I miss you so much. __I can sometimes feel you with me, especially when I'm tired or when I feel especially lonely for you._

_One of the other recruits is from New York, and he gave me the names of some places we might want to try while we're there. I would love to take you dancing at The Savoy or The Cotton Club and maybe see Ella Fitzgerald or Louis Armstrong. Wouldn't it be fun to see the faces of the people we've listened to on records for years? I know it's our honeymoon, but maybe we could ask Jasper and Alice to go to dinner and dancing with us one night. I think it would be fun, and I know Jasper would appreciate being able to take Alice out on a date unchaperoned, so to speak._

_This will probably be my last letter before I see you in New York. I love you so much and the only thing that could make me happier right now is to be able to call you my wife. I will meet you at City Hall on the 21st. My flight out leaves me with just enough time to get there. I'll be there. Wait for me._

_I love you,  
Edward_

x-x-x

By the time our plane landed in New York, I had read Edward's last letter at least a dozen times. I was a bundle of nerves, but more excited than I had ever been.

I was getting married tomorrow.

The Plaza hotel was stunningly beautiful and ornate and huge and I felt diminished in its presence. I had never even checked into a hotel for myself before and I felt like a child when I walked up to the front desk.

The honeymoon suite was opulent and huge. We had our own bathroom, a separate living and dining area, and the bed was bigger than any I had ever seen. I felt my lips curl into a smile at the thought of Edward and I being able to do whatever we wanted in that bed for the next five days. That thought was quickly followed by what would happen after our five days passed, but I pushed it away. We would enjoy our time together, come what may. I would make sure of it.

My nerves barely let me sleep that night as I tossed and turned, anxious to see Edward. The night felt endless, but as I saw light brighten the horizon over the park outside my window, I felt a noticeable exhilaration descend. I was going to marry the man I loved today, and the rest of my life was set to begin.

After I ate breakfast and drank enough coffee to revive me from my sleepless night, Alice came by to help me get dressed and ready. I was more nervous than I ever remembered being, and the anticipation, coupled with the caffeine, made me shaky, but I knew I also trembled at the thought that I would be with Edward soon. In just a matter of hours I would see his face, feel his arms around me, hear his voice, feel his lips on mine. I couldn't help my smile.

"It's nice to finally see you smile." I looked at Alice in the mirror. She was standing behind my chair in a beautiful dark blue silk dress, my hair in her hands as she brushed it out, all smiles. "I know it's not under ideal circumstances, but it is your wedding day."

"Thanks, Alice, and the circumstances are ideal." I looked down. "I'm marrying Edward." I looked back up at her reflection in the mirror.

Alice was looking at me strangely, her smile replaced by a slight frown. When she spoke, she seemed almost tentative. "You seem so different. I don't know...older maybe?" She shook her head. "Things are changing so fast. I wonder where we'll be and what our lives will be like just a year from now." She seemed almost wistful.

"Are you excited to see Jasper?" She had finished brushing my hair and was carefully twisting it into a knot at the back of my head. There were flowers on the table that she was going to weave into the knot; it was the one concession I had made to her.

Her smile was back, and bigger than before. "Yes. I'm excited to meet his parents, too. It's such a big step, I hope..." The wistful look was back.

"Alice, it'll happen, I know it will."

"I know. Just seeing you today makes me want it for myself." Her eyes were wide and tinged with an emotion I had trouble placing.

"You _will_ have it for yourself." She looked unconvinced and she had that look on her face again. Almost as if she were angry with me. "Jasper loves you and you love him. You'll be together for five days and you're meeting his parents. You could be engaged by the end of the week."

Her face softened a bit. "Do you think so?"

"I don't know for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised."

She smiled at me before she gave my hair one final look and declared it a success. I was ready.

Our ceremony was scheduled for 11:00, and we got to City Hall with time to spare. The clerk had received our court order from the judge in Hawaii and we had everything we needed to proceed, except for the groom.

As 11:00 came upon us, butterflies descended and my stomach was in knots. I was so anxious to see him walking down the hall towards me that I couldn't sit still.

11:30 came and went and the clerk told us we missed our window, but she could fit us in at 12:00.

By 12:30, my heart was racing and I felt the tears welling in my eyes. What if he changed his mind? Both of my parents were gone and he was all I had. I had heard stories of men getting nervous on their wedding day and leaving the bride waiting for a ceremony that would never happen. All of the calm and peace that had replaced my despair of the last few weeks was gone. My limbs felt heavy as I sat on the wooden bench in the hallway outside the clerk's office, unable to move. Carlisle and Esme paced, Alice whispered words of comfort, but I barely heard her.

It was getting so warm in that hallway, despite the January chill in the air outside, and I was having trouble breathing. I needed out.

"I'm going for a walk. I'll be back," I told Carlisle and Esme.

I didn't wait for an answer as I went to the front door and let myself out. Cold air hit my clammy skin as I stood on the front steps of New York City Hall. I didn't want to cry. He told me he would be here. I wanted so desperately to believe him.

I stood in the cold, the chill settling in my bones.

Where was he?

Then I remembered the words from his letter.

_Wait for me._

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**Now you know why the A/N was at the beginning. Don't hate me.****  
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	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry this took as long as it did. I'll let you get to it.**

**See you on the flip side**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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* * *

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_Wait for me._

I would wait as long as it took, because if I was sure of one thing in my life, it was that Edward loved me. I hated that he wasn't here, but in my heart I knew that there was a good reason; he would never abandon me.

I know there was activity around me; there were cars in the streets and people coming in and out of the building, but I barely registered it. There was only one person I wanted to see and one voice I wanted to hear. I had been feeling so much better over the past few weeks but the emptiness and despair I felt after Edward left was threatening to return and I was so afraid to feel that way again.

So I waited.

I registered the warmth behind me before anything else. Then I felt strong arms encircle me and looked down to see the cuffs of a Navy Lieutenant uniform and strong hands meet at my waist. His touch jump-started my heart.

My despair was replaced by a profound sense of relief when I heard the voice I longed to hear.

"Why are you out here in the cold?"

"I was waiting for you."

"I'm sorry I made you wait."

"You're here now."

I turned in the arms and my stomach flipped over at seeing him. He was smiling and his green eyes were sparkling, despite the deep circles under them. He looked so tired. I reached up to touch his cheek and it felt rough against my fingers. He needed to shave.

He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips and I couldn't help it. I put my hand behind his head and deepened our kiss until our tongues were touching. I had missed him so much and I wanted everything and I didn't want to wait. Edward pulled away after a moment and rested his forehead against mine.

"Bella." The way he spoke my name made me want to kiss him again but there were people waiting for us and the sooner we got the day over with, the sooner we could be alone.

"Where were you?"

"I got bumped off of my flight for an Admiral. Jasper managed to charm our way onto the next flight out, but then I had to make a stop once I got here."

"Where did you stop?"

"Come and I'll show you." He grabbed my hand, entwined his fingers with mine and led me into the building. He looked around for a moment before pulling me into an empty room behind the reception desk. He closed the door behind us then turned to face me.

"This was too important and I wanted to do it myself." He pulled out a small black box from his coat pocket and dropped to his knee in front of me, taking my hand in his.

"Do you know that there's not a time I can remember when I didn't love you? When you haven't been the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last image in my mind before I went to sleep every night?" His eyes were so earnest and I silently nodded my head, sure that he was telling me the truth. "That you love me and want me is the greatest gift I've ever been given. I want to spend every day of the rest of my life deserving you. Will you be my wife, Bella?"

He slipped the ring on my finger and I got down on my knees with him and threw my arms around his neck. "Of course I will. I love you so much and I don't ever want to be apart from you. I don't feel like me without you." I moved my mouth to his, gently kissing his lips. We were both still a little cold from outside but I felt our lips warm as we kissed.

He stood and took my hand to help me up.

"Come on, Bella, let's go get married."

We ran up the stairs to find Jasper with Edward's family and everyone anxious to see us. The clerk was able to take us quickly so before I knew it, we were facing each other, holding hands and exchanging our vows.

The ceremony was short and I spent most of it staring at Edward.

He stood next to me in his wearing his Navy dress uniform; he looked at ease in it, as if he had always worn it. He looked almost exactly as I remembered him, except that his hair was as short as I'd ever seen it. He was still my Edward, but he seemed different somehow and I couldn't put my finger on what the difference was. I shrugged it off for later contemplation and focused on the rest of the ceremony.

It was perfect, except for the absence of my father, but I was comforted by the fact that no matter where he was, he was happy with my choice.

The kiss Edward gave me at the end was sweet and soft and full of promise.

x-x-x

We got back to the hotel much later than planned and after greeting Jasper's parents, Carlisle and Esme went to make sure we could still hold the luncheon they had originally planned for much earlier in the day.

I knew that Jasper's parents were significantly older than the parents of most kids our age, and that Jasper was an only child, but despite his long friendship with Edward, I had never met them before today. They greeted Jasper enthusiastically with hugs and kisses and warm touches, obviously having missed him while he was away. They seemed like a close family, and I felt a small pang of regret that I had no family of my own here so I took Edward's hand and squeezed. He was my family now.

He looked at me and his eyebrows came together, but I just smiled and squeezed his hand again. If anything happened to him, I would be completely alone and I trembled at the idea of the loss of him. Edward whispered in my ear, "What is it, Bella?

I looked up and was met with a loving gaze, and I wanted nothing more than to unburden myself but I knew it wouldn't accomplish anything. He was leaving for war no matter what and anything I said would only serve to make him feel guilt that he didn't need on top of everything else he was going to have to deal with.

"It's nothing." I smiled, but I could tell from his skeptical look that he wasn't buying it. Now all I could do was avoid getting into it in the middle of the wedding. "Later, okay? Now's not the time."

He nodded slightly, touched my cheek lightly and said, "Later. I don't like it when you're sad, especially today."

After they finished doting on Jasper, his parents greeted Edward like a long lost son. I was momentarily jealous of this part of Edward's life that I had never seen before, but I was so quickly brought into the fold that my jealousy was quickly forgotten.

Mrs. Whitlock, Mary, as she insisted I call her, took my hand and patted it lightly. "Bella, you're a lovely bride. Make sure you take good care of Edward, he's very dear to us." Her smile was genuine and I liked her immediately.

I returned her smile. "I plan on doing just that, Mary. Thank you."

I liked Jasper's dad, George, even more than his wife. He was a jovial man who had laugh lines etched deeply in his face. After he shook Edward's hand and clapped him on the back, George took my hand and kissed it lightly. "You are a vision, my dear. I've never seen a more beautiful bride, well, maybe just once." He looked up at his wife with a twinkle in his eye and she blushed. I giggled as he released my hand and Edward put his arm around my waist, holding me close.

I looked up as Jasper spoke. "Mom, Dad. This is my Alice." He had his hand on her waist and he was smiling.

Alice beamed at them and said, "It's such a pleasure to meet you both. Jasper's told me so much about you."

Mr. Whitlock stepped forward first and kissed her offered hand. "The pleasure is all ours, dear." He smiled brightly at her and seemed genuinely pleased at the introduction.

Mrs. Whitlock just looked at Alice and gave her a curt nod and a tight smile. "It's nice to meet you." I was shocked at her rude behavior and watched Alice's face fall in response. Jasper tightened his arm around her and whispered something in her ear. She smiled at him, but I could see that her heart wasn't in it.

I could see that George was slightly embarrassed, but before he could say anything, Carlisle and Esme came back to tell us that everything for our reception was ready.

Edward dropped his arm from my waist and held his arm out to me as we headed to the private room in the back of the hotel restaurant that had been set up for us. Esme fell in step next to Edward and she took his other arm.

Edward leaned into her. "Thanks for everything Mom."

"Oh, Edward. It's been my pleasure. I wanted this day to be special for both of you."

"It would have been special no matter what, but thank you for all you've done. It's not an easy time for any of us, and it would have been difficult for us to do this without you and Dad."

We stopped outside the banquet room and Edward gently released my arm before turning fully to his mother.

"I love you, Mom."

She had tears in her eyes as she smoothed her hands down the lapels of his jacket. "I love you too. I can't believe how quickly things are changing. You're married now and you'll be gone again in just a few days." A tear slid down her cheek. "Wasn't it just yesterday that you learned to walk?" She smiled up at him and I started to walk away, wanting to give them some privacy, but Edward grabbed my hand to stop me before I could get past him. I stopped but he was still looking at Esme.

He let go of my hand and enveloped Esme in a hug and whispered something in her ear that was too low for me to hear.

He let her go, kissed her forehead and they smiled at each other before she touched me lightly on the arm and made her way into the room.

Edward turned to face me and took me by the waist, pulling me close to him. "You, don't try to walk away from me again, please. We have precious little time as it is." He kissed me soundly on the mouth and I could already feel myself ache with wanting him. This had to stop if I was going to make it through lunch.

I reluctantly pulled my lips from his but our faces were still just inches away. I could feel his warm breath on my face and it made my heart race. "We need to go inside."

"Do we have to?"

"Yes, come on." I moved to pull myself away from him but he held me close. "It's just a few hours, and it would mean the world to your parents."

"I need to tell you something." He looked down at me and I immediately began to worry. "My orders should be here by Saturday. I didn't want you to be surprised."

I looked up at him and nodded, not trusting my voice.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he moved a stray lock of hair off of my face.

I took a deep breath and waited a moment so I could answer truthfully. "Yes, I think so."

I looked up at him so he could see the sincerity in my words. He smiled and kissed me. "Good."

"I love you."

"I adore you. Let's go." He took my hand and we made our way through the door.

We spent the remainder of the afternoon at the hotel restaurant, laughing, eating and drinking champagne that tickled my nose and made me giggle. Edward was seated next to me and I was intoxicated not just from the champagne, but also from his touch, his smell and his kiss. I think some part of me was touching him all day, whether we were holding hands or his arm was around my shoulders or he was kissing my hand. I reveled in his presence.

Carlisle and Esme presided over the luncheon and were gracious hosts. They also laughed and touched like newlyweds themselves, but that was nothing new to me. I grew up with a single father, but I learned from Carlisle and Esme what it meant to be a married couple. They touched frequently, kissed seemingly whenever the mood struck them and whispered and giggled sweetly to each other. This was what marriage was to me, and I wanted Edward and I to have the same freedom to express ourselves. It would just take some getting used to. Unfortunately, I only had 5 days to become accustomed to being married before I would be on my own again. I took a deep breath and looked at my husband, deciding to focus on the positive and deal with his absence when it happened and not before.

When I picked up my third glass of champagne Edward leaned over and whispered in my ear. "Are you sure you want more of that?" He was smiling and his eyes were shining. "It might make you drunk."

"I think it's too late," I giggled. The champagne and his proximity made me bold and I reached out and kissed him, full on the mouth, right in front of everyone.

When I heard Alice gasp I pulled away from Edward and put my head down on his chest, embarrassed, while he put a hand on the side of my head and kissed my hair. I heard Carlisle and George laughing while Esme cleared her throat and Edward whispered in my ear. "It's okay, Bella, pick up your head. You didn't do anything wrong."

I looked up at him and he was smiling and he had the most adorable crinkles around his eyes and I wondered where this new found confidence came from. The Edward I knew would have been just as embarrassed as I was. Before I could ponder it any further Esme said, "It's your wedding day Bella, I don't think anyone is going to begrudge you a kiss or two." She was smiling and so was everyone else except Alice, who had an annoyed look on her face.

By dessert I'd had enough. Enough of Mary's stories about a young Jasper, enough of Alice mooning over Jasper, enough of Esme's look of pride and happiness. I was so grateful for everything Carlisle and Esme had done for us and was having a wonderful time, but I couldn't stop thinking about Edward and that big bed upstairs and I feared I was having a hard time hiding it.

I think Esme must have seen the look on my face, because she abruptly said, "Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm exhausted. Carlisle, please take me up to the room so I can have a nap before dinner."

She stared at him as he started to protest. "But I haven't finished my coffee yet, and we haven't seen Edwar-"

Esme cut him off before he could finish. "Carlisle," she said pointedly, "I'm sure the children would like some time to nap as well, don't you think? They've had quite a long day." I could see Esme's eyes widen, willing Carlisle to understand. Edward mumbled something under his breath and I squeezed his hand, stifling a giggle.

"Oh, right, of course," Carlisle said. He cleared his throat, seemingly embarrassed. "Well, Alice, let's take your mother for her nap, shall we?" He got up and pulled out Esme's chair, just as Edward did the same for me. Jasper, Alice and his parents all followed as we all made our way to the elevators. Edward has his arm around my waist as we walked, and I felt so normal. Just a girl walking through a hotel lobby with her husband, not a care in the world. I hoped that for the next few days we could keep pretending that was the case.

When we got to our room, Edward closed the door quickly and pressed my back against it as he kissed me on the mouth and leaned his body into mine. His kiss made my knees weak and I moaned into his mouth. His hands were in my hair as he pulled his lips away from me and touched his forehead to mine.

"God, I missed you," he said as his lips moved to my jaw and down my neck.

"Edward. Oh, God I missed you." I was already so anxious to be with him that I quickly unbuttoned his jacket and slipped it off his shoulders and onto the floor before starting on his shirt buttons.

Edward moved his lips back to mine and I moaned when his mouth opened and his tongue touched mine. He was so gentle, yet his kiss left no question as to what he wanted.

He placed two light kisses on my lips before pulling back and looking at me. My hands fell to his waist, the buttons forgotten as his look of pure, unadulterated love paralyzed me.

"Bella. You're my wife. You're really mine," he said with something akin to wonder in his voice. "I love you so much."

I turned my head to kiss the palm that was covering my cheek. "Show me." I desperately craved his touch and didn't want to wait anymore. My body was literally aching for him; I felt it in every pore, over every inch of my body. I had been without him for too long. I felt truly alive for the first time in weeks and I wanted more.

He moved his hands to my hair and slowly untwisted the knot that Alice had painstakingly made that morning. The flowers dropped to the carpet and Edward ran his hands through my hair from the base of my neck up to the top of my head.

I moved my hands back up to his chest and finished unbuttoning his shirt with shaky fingers. He helped me remove it from his trousers and off of him before I nervously ran my hands beneath his white undershirt. His chest felt so hard yet his skin was so soft and I was fascinated by the contrast. Edward shuddered as I lifted it off of his head and dropped it to the floor. "Your hands feel so good," he said quietly.  
I put my hands back on his chest as he kissed me again. His kisses were slow and deep and his hands were on my waist, pulling me to him. When we were as close as we could get, he ran one of his hands up to my neck and the other rubbed up and down my back.

Eventually he pulled himself away from our kisses and started to loosen the buttons at the front of my dress, looking at me the whole time, gauging my reaction, letting me know that he would stop if I wanted him to.

I didn't.

Once my dress was unbuttoned he slid his hands gently to my shoulders and slowly and almost timidly slid my dress off. His touch was so light on my shoulders that I shivered. I stood before my husband in nothing more than a white lace bra, panties, garter belt, nylons and my white pumps.

I felt incredibly shy at first as Edward stepped back to look at me. My back was still to the door and I had nowhere to hide. I went to cover myself with my hands, but he reached out and stopped me. "No. Don't hide yourself from me. You're beautiful." He spoke quietly, reverently, and I could hear him swallow.

I took the opportunity to look at him, really look at him. He seemed bigger than I remembered, more defined. I suddenly realized the difference in him that had eluded me before. In the six weeks he had been gone, the Navy had turned him from a boy into a man. His chest was bigger, his arms were more muscular and the muscles in his stomach were more defined. He also exuded more confidence than I had ever seen in him before.

I was momentarily intimidated by my realization. But then I looked in his eyes and I saw the nervous boy lurking just beneath the surface. As much as we loved each other and as long as we'd known each other, this was still all so new to both of us.

I let my eyes travel down to his trousers and noticed the impact our kissing and touching was having on him. I was fascinated and felt myself reach for his hand and pull him to me. I wanted to feel him, to feel the effect I was having on him. I brought him close to me and felt how hard he was against my stomach and it made me want to touch him.

I grabbed him lightly through the material of his pants. He groaned and let his forehead slam up against the door next to me. "Oh my God, Bella. That feels so good." My own need was forgotten for the moment as I reveled in making him feel good. I continued to touch him with one hand while I tried to unbuckle his belt, unsuccessfully, with the other. I didn't want to let go of him.

"Edward, help me." His hands moved impossibly fast to his trousers as he undid his belt and then unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. I let go quickly so he could move his pants and underwear down his legs and toe off his shoes and socks and I took hold of him again once they were out of the way. I loved how hard he felt, how lust clouded his vision as he looked at me, how I was the one making him feel that way.

I started stroking him up and down, lightly at first, just like he had shown me all those weeks ago. His forehead was back resting on the door and he was panting. "Bella...God...that's so good...oh, God."

I quickened my pace as his head found it's way to the crook of my neck. His hands were on my waist, gripping me, and he seemed so lost in the sensation that I wondered if he even realized how hard he was grabbing me.

"Bella, please," he groaned in my ear. "I'm going to...oh, please don't stop. Oh please, Bella." Hearing his words turned the dull ache between my legs into a throb that made me moan in its intensity.

"I won't stop," I whispered in his ear. "I want to make you feel good." I felt myself blush at my words and I was glad that he wasn't looking at me.

I continued to run my hand up and down as he thrust his hips in time with my movements. He was so close to me, and his movements were so fluid with mine that my mind immediately went to what I wanted to do on that big bed with him. I wanted nothing more than for him to touch me and I was desperate for something to soothe the ache between my legs.

My mind was clouded with want and I was momentarily lost in it until his hands got almost painfully tight on my waist as he cried out into my neck and climaxed in my hand. I felt his breath at my ear and I let go of him gently, not sure if I should keep holding him or try to clean up or if I should say anything. I was suddenly and completely unsure of myself, despite what I had just done. Despite the fact that he was my husband now.

"Bella." His hands were on my face, his thumbs brushing the area under my eyes. He kissed me sweetly on the mouth and leaned his forehead into mine. "You're amazing. The way you make me feel...God, Bella. I missed you."

"I missed you, too." I was overly anxious for him to touch me, for him to put his hands on me and make me feel the way only he could. Except I didn't know how to ask or what to say. "Edward..."

I looked at him, pleaded with him with my eyes for him to understand. He drew his head back and looked at me, his brow knit in confusion. He didn't know what I wanted and I was so frustrated that I wanted to cry. Before I could consider what to tell him to make him understand, he placed his hand on the bare skin between my bra and garter belt; an innocent gesture that made me groan and throw my head back into the door. My body was on fire, overly sensitive to his every touch.

"Oh, Bella." He picked me up and carried me quickly to the bedroom where he laid me down in the center of the bed.

He was above me, kissing me slowly but with unrestrained passion. I wanted him closer so I pulled him down to me and wrapped my legs around his waist. I didn't want to wait anymore. His lips moved to my neck and I arched my back, too overwhelmed with my own need.

"I should have taken care of you first. I'm so sorry," Edward said as he continued to kiss down my neck.

He sounded so regretful and I wanted to say something, to reassure him that I wanted to please him, but when I tried to speak, it came out as a moan, so I just shook my head.

He brought his lips back to mine and I kissed him with all of the pent up passion of the last six weeks. He reached behind me to unhook my bra and after a moment he lifted it from me and tossed it to the floor. I was briefly self-conscious, but then his mouth met my aching nipple and my back arched and I cried out in the pleasure he was bringing me.

I was unaware of anything the except heaven of his mouth on my breast, the feeling of my hands as they ran through his hair, of his hardness on my thigh, and of the smell of him, so manly and sweet at the same time.

His mouth left my breast and continued down my chest to my stomach, placing light kisses as he went. I giggled as his kisses made my stomach muscles clench.

"That's not the reaction I was looking for, Bella," he smirked into my skin.

"Sorry, it tickled," I chuckled. Our exchange cleared my brain a little bit and I was able to focus on Edward as he smoothed his hands around my hips and down my legs to my feet, where he gently removed my shoes and dropped them to the floor.

He moved back up to my garter belt and ran his hands around to the back. I lifted my hips slightly to give him better access, but his brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to work the hooks loose. He looked so much like the boy I fell in love with that it almost brought tears to my eyes. He may have seemed more like a man, but he was still as innocent to this as I was.

He finally got it unhooked and brought it, and my stockings, slowly down my legs. I was once again under the spell of the pleasure brought to me by his hands and his mouth and his presence.

He looked at me for a moment as he looped his fingers through the bands on the side of my underwear. He cocked his head to the side as if in question, and I just looked at him, shocked that he would still seek my permission.

"Please, Edward. Yes."

He slowly moved my underwear down my legs and after dropping them with the rest of my clothes; he moved his hands back up my legs, to my hips, my chest and then my face. He was resting on top of me, his body flush with mine, and every place my body met his felt like it was on fire. I moved my legs so he could rest between my thighs, and I heard his sharp intake of breath as he felt me.

"Bella. My God...I..." His forehead fell to my shoulder and I felt him shudder. "I want you so badly. I want to make you feel good."

I put my hand at the back of his neck and rubbed lightly. "You will Edward."

"I'm just afraid that it will be over too quickly and I won't be able to." He was speaking with his head still on my shoulder, not looking at me.

"Edward, it's okay. Please, I need you." I so desperately wanted him and just wanted him to stop hesitating.

"Please, let me do something else first. Please, Bella. It's too much and it feels too good."

He was pleading with me but my mind was so focused on how close he was to being inside of me that I was having trouble understanding what he wanted.

"Edward, I want...please just make love to me." I just wanted to feel him inside of me, to feel a connection with him that I'd never felt with anyone else.

He took a deep breath and I felt him enter me, just a little at first. We both groaned and Edward fisted the sheets next to my head.

He slowly thrust himself the rest of the way into me and I was amazed at how sensitive I was, how I felt every inch of him and how tender I was to his every touch. It hurt a little bit, but nothing like the first time. The pain was dull and the pleasure acute.

"Bella...oh, Bella...you feel so good," he spoke so softly that I wondered if I had heard him at all.

He rested his forearms on either side of my head and used his hands to softly move the hair away from my face. He kissed me on the lips, but had yet to move. I shifted slightly, hoping to encourage him to move and give me what I craved. "Edward..."

"I know, Bella, just give me a minute, please." I heard the strain behind his voice and I stilled. I ran my hands through his hair and took a deep breath to try to calm myself.

He started moving slowly inside me. Agonizingly slowly.

He was trying so hard to control himself but I wanted him to go faster, to move himself with abandon inside of me, to lose himself in the sensation with me.

"Edward, I need more, please," I said in a whisper. I was so embarrassed, but desperate to release the tension I had been feeling all day.

He sped his movements slightly and I moved my legs to wrap around his waist, causing him to groan into my neck. He could go so much deeper this way and I arched my back and moaned as I met his movements with my own. It felt so good.

"Bella...I'm sorry...I can't...oh, hell." Despite his apology, he kept moving inside of me with a look of deep concentration on his face, and I felt the pleasure grow to new heights. My hands dug into his back and I wanted to tell him how good it felt, but I was afraid if that if I spoke I would break the spell.

All too soon, Edward's look of concentration faltered and he buried his head in my neck before moaning loudly and thrusting his hips one final time.

"Oh, Bella. Damn it." He picked up his head and disengaged himself from me quickly. He lay on his side next to me and I felt strangely empty. He pulled me close to him and kissed me deeply as his hands began to roam my body. Everything happened so quickly and I barely had time to recover before I felt Edward's hand between my legs.

I inhaled sharply at the sensation and then moaned as his thumb found the area between my legs that made me want to scream in pleasure when he touched it. He drew slow circles and my hips seemed to move of their own volition. I looked up at him in wonder as he slipped a finger inside of me while he increased the pressure of his thumb.

It felt incredible and the tension was building in my pelvis as I strained to meet his movements. My toes were curling and my back was arching and as I reached my peak I grabbed the back of Edward's head and brought his lips to mine. I moaned through the kiss as Edward's movements slowed and eventually stopped. My breathing was labored and I was sweating, but I had never felt better in my entire life.

Our lips separated and Edward rested his forehead on mine, both of us smiling. As I came down from the high of our lovemaking, I suddenly felt exhausted, my sleepless night and the long emotional day was weighing on me heavily. My eyes began to droop and Edward gave me one last kiss before gathering me to his chest and wrapping his arms around me.

"I love you, Bella."

I kissed him lightly on the chest and mumbled, "Love you."

The last thing I remembered was a blanket being wrapped around my body and the steady thump of Edward's heartbeat in my ear.

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**That's probably as smutty and fluffy as I'm ever going to get. I didn't intend for that last part to be so long, but it kind of got away from me.**

**Thanks to my betas Lucette21 and Brighterthansunshine28 for their constant help and unyielding support of me and of this story.**

**Thanks to everyone who's still with me and especially to everyone who takes the time to review. I appreciate more than I can ever express.**

**I wrote a oneshot for Ninapolitan's DILF contest. It's called _Unplanned_ and the link can be found in my profile. Please, please read the A/N before you decide whether to read or not.**

**Thanks for reading.  
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	9. Chapter 9

**I don't know why I feel the need to keep doing this, but I have to remind you, it's 1942.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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I woke up the day after the wedding to an empty bed so I pulled my robe on and went to find Edward. He was sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs in the living room of the suite drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. I stood gazing at him for a moment before he was aware of my presence and I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face as I watched him. The circles under his eyes had noticeably cleared and he looked more relaxed than I ever remembered seeing him. His brow crinkled a bit at what he was reading, as if he found it confusing or irritating. He was beautiful and he was mine and I didn't want to be away from him any longer than necessary.

As I made my way to him, he looked up from the paper and a smile lit up his whole face. He put the paper aside and opened his arms to me and I curled up on his lap, resting my head on his shoulder. He embraced me tightly and kissed the top of my head. His arms felt strong and sure around me and I put my face to his neck, inhaling his scent, wanting to get as close to him as possible.

"Good morning. I'm glad you're finally awake. I missed you."

"What time is it?" I asked through a yawn.

"It's just after ten," he said as he kissed the top of my head again.

I felt so at ease and relaxed; I couldn't remember the last time I had a more restful sleep. I wondered what had gotten Edward up so early.

"How long have you been awake?"

"I've been up for a while. I've been conditioned. We had to get up at five o'clock every morning at Annapolis, but I did manage to sleep until six thirty this morning"

"So what have you been up to since you got up?"

"I went for a run in Central Park, the came back and took a shower." He moved the hair away from my neck and his fingers traced a slow path from my forehead to my neck. "Then I listened to you talk in your sleep."

I flushed red immediately and buried my head deeper into his neck as he rubbed my back. "What did I say?" I was mortified at what it might be.

He put his finger under my chin and lifted my face but I couldn't look him in the eye, afraid of what I might see there.

"You love me," he said so softly.

My eyes snapped up to his and the love I saw there was staggering.

My reached out my hand and touched his cheek. "Of course I do. Did it take me saying it in my sleep for you to believe it?"

"No, no. I...God, I love you so much." He held me tighter as my head found its way back to the crook of his neck. "I was so terrified to tell you how I felt about you for so long and then when I finally did, things happened so fast. I just marvel at the fact that you love me and I finally have you to myself."

I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes as his words washed over me. For just a moment, life was perfect.

"Get used to it," I said. "I plan on loving you for a very long time."

He took my left hand and kissed it. "Do you like your ring? I'm sorry it's not big and fancy, but I didn't want any help from my parents and my lifeguard job from the past two summers only paid so much." He looked a little sheepish and embarrassed.

"It's perfect. Since when have you ever known me to like anything big and fancy anyway?"

"Never. I just didn't want there to be any mistake. The size of the ring is not proportional to my love for you." His smile was bright and happy and I loved him so much for wanting to clarify such a silly thing.

"I didn't think it was, but thank you. I love my ring and I wouldn't trade it for anything." I kissed him and noticed for the first time that he tasted like coffee.

"Is there any more coffee?"

"No, but I'll order you some."

I excused myself to take a shower and when I came out in my robe, found breakfast and Edward waiting for me in the dining room. He pulled a chair out for me and I sat in front of fresh fruit, pancakes, eggs, bacon and muffins. "Did you order everything on the menu?"

"Yes," he said, as if it were the most normal thing on the world. "I wasn't sure what you wanted and I thought you might be hungry." I shook my head as I sat down, slightly awed at his ability to take care of me.

He took a strawberry and pressed it against my closed lips. "Open, Bella." His words coupled with the look of naked love and desire on his face made my stomach flutter. I looked at him and opened my mouth as he slowly pressed the strawberry in. It was sweet and delicious. A bit of the juice trickled down the side of my mouth but before I could reach my napkin, Edward reached out with his tongue and licked it off. His face lingered next to mine and I felt his breath, sweet and warm and _Edward_.

I swallowed audibly as a wave of lust shot through me. I was a little shocked at his behavior, but I couldn't find it in myself to turn away from him. I had to keep reminding myself that he was my husband and this was okay.

"You taste so good," he said quietly. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat before he took a grape and slowly put it in my mouth. As he disengaged his fingers I darted my tongue out and licked him lightly. His expression immediately became intense and dark.

"God, Bella," he groaned. "We're not going to make it through breakfast." His voice was seemed deeper than normal and it made me shiver.

In that moment I knew I didn't need food to nourish my body, I needed Edward, and it wasn't just my body that craved him. It was my heart and my soul and my mind that wanted Edward's touch. That wanted to feel him and love him and kiss him. That wanted to be consumed by him and his love for me.

Feeling emboldened by his proximity and obvious desire for me, I took his hand and stood up from the table, taking him with me. I led him to the bedroom and we didn't emerge until well into the afternoon.

x-x-x

We had dinner out on Thursday night at a restaurant named Le Pavillon. The room was dark and we ate and drank wine bathed in candlelight, sitting so close that our legs were touching. It was the first time I had ever had French food and it was the most wonderful meal I had ever eaten. When I told Edward that I felt a little decadent for eating something so rich and delicious he kissed my hand and told me to let him spoil me; we were on our honeymoon and would only get to do it once. I left the restaurant a little drunk on wine and Edward and the experience.

We didn't leave our room at all on Friday until there was a knock on the door just before six o'clock. I had been sitting on Edward's lap in one of the big cushy chairs as he told me about some of his time at Annapolis. There were some things he still couldn't talk about, but I liked hearing about the drills they ran and some of the other boys he met.

We were in our robes when the knock came and I looked at Edward, but he just shrugged his shoulders.

"I'll get it. You go in the bedroom." He kissed me quickly as I made my way to the bedroom and he went to get the door. Before I could even close the bedroom door I heard Alice asking for me and made my way back into the living room, curious to see why she was here before vaguely remembering that we had made plans with her and Jasper for this evening.

She ran over and hugged me when she saw me and I hugged her back, a little excited at the prospect of a night out.

After removing myself from her embrace, I noticed Jasper and Edward walking towards the couch and for the first time noticed the state of our room. There were clothes strewn everywhere and the couch cushions were askew. Our lunch plates were still on the dining room table and there were newspapers on the floor.

It looked like we couldn't keep our hands off of each other and hadn't left the room for days.

Which was true.

But we didn't need to flaunt it and I could tell from Alice's wide-eyed expression that it wasn't obvious just to me. I flushed red, greeted Jasper and made my way to the bedroom, mortified. Not only at the state of our room, but I also realized that Jasper had seen me in my bathrobe and I wasn't wearing anything underneath.

Could this get any more embarrassing?

I started to clean up and get dressed when Edward walked in the room and closed the door behind him.

"I forgot they were coming," he said.

"Me too. Do you still want to go out?"

He started walking toward me, a shy smile on his face. "I don't know; it's very tempting to just stay here with you the whole night." He reached me, put his hand on my lower back, pulled our lower bodies together and ran his nose along my neck. His voice was soft and had a slight tremble. "I could never leave this room again and be perfectly happy."

I whimpered low in my throat as his lips made contact with mine. I felt his erection against my pelvis and my desire for him grew with every second that passed. I lost count of how many times we had made love since the wedding, yet I still wanted more. Granted, I was a little sore and my muscles ached, but I couldn't get enough of him and the intimacy we shared; of his body pressed to mine, of his kiss and of his strong arms around me. I knew from his looks, his touches and his words that Edward felt the same way I did. It was like we were trying to fit months of contact into a few short days, dreading when the time would come when we would have to part.

We were still kissing a few minutes later when I heard Alice laugh, bringing me out of my lust induced haze. I pulled my lips away from his and said, "We need to get dressed, Edward."

Our lower bodies were still touching and as he groaned and pressed his erection into me, my eyes closed and my head came to rest on his shoulder. "I know, but we promised. Besides, I'm looking forward to a night out on the town with my husband." I picked up my head, gave him a quick kiss, and sauntered off to the bathroom, leaving him muttering.

It was an unseasonably warm evening but we still took a cab to the Savoy Ballroom. We had to wait a few minutes to get in because Ella Fitzgerald would be performing that night so there was a large crowd. As we were waiting, Alice pulled me to the side.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure." I turned back to Edward. "Edward, Alice and I are just going to walk to the end of the block, we'll be right back."

He frowned. "I don't want you walking the streets by yourself."

"It's just to the end of the block, we'll be fine. Promise." I smiled sweetly, hoping to get my way.

He looked dubious. "Okay, just please be careful and come right back."

"Come on Alice," I said, grabbing her arm. When we were a few feet away, I said, "What's going on?"

"Ugh, so much has happened but I didn't want to bother you. I'm not sure where to start." She took a deep breath and continued. "Jasper's mom hates me. We went to dinner last night and she barely said a word to me. Jasper told me later it was just because she's so protective of him, but I think she really hates me."

"How could anyone hate you Alice? I'm sure Jasper's right. She seemed so nice when I met her the other day. Give it some time, she's probably just a little nervous about him going away." Everyone loved Alice. _Everyone_. There had to be an explanation.

"I don't know," she nervously bit her thumbnail. "Maybe you're right. We're meeting them and Mom and Dad for breakfast tomorrow. Maybe it will be better." She shook her head as if to clear it. "There's something else." We continued to walk and talk. I turned back but could still see Edward, so we kept walking.

"Jasper and I...well...we managed to get some time alone last night and we were kissing and it was as far as we had ever gone before. It felt really good." She looked at me and stopped walking. "I wanted to...well, I didn't want to stop. I actually had the nerve to bring it up."

"And?" I was on the edge of my seat, waiting to hear what she would do.

She looked down and mumbled, "He doesn't want to." I was surprised, having heard any number of times from the girls at school that all boys were interested in sex. Plus, I now had first hand knowledge of how much boys liked it.

"I don't understand."

"He said he cared about me too much and that he wasn't quite ready to get engaged, so it wouldn't be right of him." She looked so hurt, but I thought that maybe this was a good thing.

"Alice, he cares deeply about you. If he didn't, he could have easily taken what you were offering and left and never spoken to you again. But he didn't. He wants to do right by you. Isn't that a good thing?"

"I guess so. I don't know. I was hoping he would propose this weekend since he's going away."

"Alice, I thi-" It was then that I noticed where we were, or where we weren't. We had walked a little father than I had planned, and I couldn't see Edward anymore, or the club, or anything familiar for that matter. We were on a dark narrow street and my instincts told me to turn around and get back to Edward as quickly as possible.

Just as I was about to suggest to Alice that we turn back, I heard a whistle. I grabbed Alice by the arm and turned around.

We came face to face with two men. They were about ten feet away but slowly started to move toward us. I squeezed Alice's arm and turned us around, but one of the men ran in front of us, blocking our escape; there was no where to run. I momentarily beat myself up for letting us walk so far, but quickly moved past it. Berating myself wouldn't help us get out of this situation.

"Hey girls. Where are you headed?" His voice was low and seductive and terrifying.

The man who spoke was tall and had tanned skin and black hair. He was smiling, but there was no warmth in it.

I somehow found my voice. "We're waiting for my husband. He'll be here any minute." I was praying that was true. Surely Edward was looking for us.

"I don't think so, sweetheart. What man would leave his wife waiting here, especially one as pretty as you?" His friend laughed and they both stepped a little closer.

I heard Alice whimper next to me and held her tighter. I needed her to keep it together until Edward found us.

"He is coming, and he's got a friend with him." They were closer now, and I was wracking my brain trying to think of anything I could that would get us out of this situation. When I was 12, my dad had spent a Sunday afternoon teaching me how to fight after a kid at school tried to push me around. But now, when I needed that information the most, I was coming up blank.

"Just one friend? I think we can take them." The coldness in his voice made me shiver.

The other man spoke up for the first time. "I think we should just go, Sam. We don't want any trouble." The man called Sam snapped his head up and looked at his friend.

"Shut it, Paul. I'll tell you when it's time to leave. I think these ladies need a little company." Sam moved closer and grabbed my arm, yanking me to him and away from Alice. I let out a small scream and felt the terror coil in my stomach. "Don't be shy, baby." He started to touch my face.

Suddenly, Sam was thrown backwards and his hands left me. In a flash, I saw Edward push him against the brick wall to my left, his hand around Sam's throat.

"You touched my wife." He savagely slammed Sam against the wall.

I was vaguely aware of Jasper landing a punch on the man named Paul out of the corner of my eye, and seeing Paul wipe the blood from his mouth before running away down the street, but I was focused on Edward and the rage I could see on his face. I had never seen him so angry. His jaw was clenched and his hand was so tight around Sam's neck that his arm was shaking.

I heard Alice crying as Edward slammed Sam into the wall again. "How dare you touch what's mine!" Edward tightened his hand around Sam's throat and punched him in the face once with his other fist before landing one on his stomach. Sam doubled over but was still on his feet.

Edward punched him again and blood poured from Sam's nose like water from a faucet. "That's my wife you son of a bitch! You put your hands on her!" Edward brutally punched his face twice more and I saw Jasper try to go over and stop him, but Edward let go of Sam and pushed Jasper away. Apparently Edward had been holding him up because as soon as he let go, Sam crumpled to the ground.

"No, Jasper. He's not getting away with this. He can't touch who he pleases." Edward kicked him. "Whenever he please." And kicked him again. "Son of a bitch!" And again.

Jasper nodded, stepped away and took Alice in his arms, turning her away from the beating her brother was giving the man on the ground.

Edward's rage was boiling over and I wasn't sure where he was, but I was almost certain it wasn't here. I could almost feel his anger radiating from his body and I was momentarily frightened.

Gingerly, I walked over to him and touched his shoulder. He pulled away from me and didn't stop beating the man who now lay unconscious in the alley.

I couldn't let this go on. I grasped his upper arm. "Edward, please stop. Please," I pleaded with him.

His head fell and he stopped moving completely. He let out a strangled cry and landed one last kick on Sam before turning and taking me in his arms. He was shaking, but I was sure it was in anger, not in fear. It was as if his rage and anger was about to boil over and it was taking everything in his power to keep it under control.

I was so overwhelmed with relief that I almost collapsed in his arms. He held me so tightly that it almost hurt, but I didn't care. It was all too much. Thoughts of the danger I had put myself in, of what Edward had turned into when I was threatened, of the fear I had felt in the presence of the person I trusted most in the world. I clung to him like a lifeline, and he to me. I heard his voice whisper to me, and he almost sounded like my Edward. Almost.

"He touched you, I couldn't let that go. I'm sorry you had to see that." He was still shaking and his voice was a hoarse whisper. He released me and took my face in his hands. "Are you all right? Did he hurt you?" His eyes were intense, searching my face for an answer.

"No, I'm fine." I wasn't fine, not after seeing Edward like that, but I didn't know how to articulate what I was feeling so "fine" seemed as good an answer as any. He lowered his hands and I noticed blood on his knuckles.

"Thank God." He pulled me into a tight hug. "Oh, Bella." I continued to hold him until his trembling, and mine, subsided.

The police arrived sometime later and an ambulance took Sam away. He was known to the local police as a troublemaker and they decided to let us go without taking our statement. They figured the beating he received was enough of a punishment and they actually seemed proud of Edward for what he had done.

"A man has a right to protect his wife. Good work, son," one of the police officers said as he clapped Edward on the back.

Edward didn't let go of me the entire time we were being questioned by the police. I tried to leave him and go check on Alice at one point, but he grabbed my arm and held me tightly to his side, his muscles rippling under his shirt. He was masculine and powerful and completely in charge. I didn't try to leave again.

We skipped the club and went straight back to the hotel, deciding to try again the next night. We barely spoke on the way home and I could feel the intensity of Edward's emotions coming off of him in waves. Love, fear, anger; I couldn't quite place them, maybe it was all of them and then some.

When we got back to our room I took Edward to the bathroom and silently cleaned out the cut on his hand. He seemed so on edge, so virile, so much the man I had spied the other day as opposed to the boy I fell in love with. It made me tense, but I wasn't sure how to deal with this aspect of my husband that I had never seen before. I thought that after sixteen years of friendship I knew everything there was to know about Edward Cullen, but I was wrong. I wondered what else I had missed over the years.

As I was drying his knuckles with a towel, his free hand grabbed mine and lifted the towel from his hand. He took it from me and placed it on the counter and took both of my hands in his. I couldn't look at him.

I had to talk through my tears. "I'm sorry I walked so far. We were talking and I didn't think and it was so stupid." He took me in his arms and held me tightly and stroked my back as I spoke through my sobs.

"I should have gotten there sooner. I should have protected you." His words caused my sobs to die in my throat.

"How can you blame yourself for this?"

"I'm your husband, it's my job to protect you and I didn't. I shouldn't have let you wander off in a strange city."

I removed myself from his embrace and looked up at him. He was completely sincere. I took his hand and kissed his knuckles where the blood was drying.

"You can't do this to yourself. I should have been smarter. I'm an adult and it's time I started acting like one."

"Do you have any idea what it would do to me if I lost you?" His voice was soft but there was an edge of intensity to it that made me shiver.

"Edward, I'm so-"

"No, Bella. Do you? Do you have any clue?" I couldn't look at him, ashamed that I had been so irresponsible. He put his hands on either side of my face and lifted it so I had no choice but to look directly at him. "You are my life. You can't leave me. I wouldn't survive it."

He moved his hands to my hair and kissed me; it was soft but tinged with desperation. I kissed him back, and through it willed him to understand how sorry I was, how much I loved him and wanted him and needed him.

His hands moved from my hair to my back where he unzipped my dress. I moaned loudly when he put his hands on my bare back and moved to take my dress off completely.

"I can't ever be without you, Bella," he said as his lips moved from my mouth to my neck.

Once my dress was off we made quick work of his clothes as we made our way back to the bedroom. We were frantic in our movements as we came together; this wasn't about physical release, it was about emotional release. It was as if the physical act reaffirmed that we were alive and together, that nothing could separate us, that the loss of one of us would surely destroy the other.

As we made love that night, I could feel that same sense of restrained power and masculinity I had felt in the alley. He was holding back, trying so hard to control himself as he moved on top of me, and I wondered what it would be like if he let that force loose while we made love.

After Edward climaxed inside of me, he moved to take care of my physical need, but I stopped him before he could start.

"I just need you. Nothing else matters." He sighed as I curled my body into his, resting my head on his chest, my emotional need far outweighing any physical desire I had. I needed the feeling of safety and security that only he could provide.

He tightened his arms around me and said, "I wish we could...together. I don't know what I'm doing wrong." He sounded so sad, and while I was embarrassed to have this conversation, I needed to reassure him somehow. I knew he wanted me to be able to have an orgasm during intercourse, but it just hadn't happened for me yet. It wasn't like he ever left me unhappy; he always made sure to satisfy me when we were together, often more than once.

I buried my head a little bit, not wanting to look at him as I felt a blush start to form on my cheeks. I thought about asking him if he was holding back, as I suspected, but didn't have the nerve to ask. "You always make me feel good. That doesn't matter." And I meant it. I felt completely satisfied with that part of our relationship.

"It matters to me."

I wasn't sure how to respond to him, so I said nothing and neither did he.

It took me a long time to fall asleep, a sense of unease settling in the pit of my stomach.

* * *

**As always, thanks to my betas brighterthansunshine28 and Lucette21. And special thanks to everyone who takes the time to review, it really means so much to me. **

**Also, thanks to everyone who voted for my one shot, **_**Unplanned**_**, in Nina's DILF contest. I came in 3rd place in the public voting and got a special judges award. It was pretty cool.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Very important business at the end. Please take a minute to read.  
**

**Thanks, as always, to my betas, Lucette 21 and brighterthansunshine28, and to Daisy3853 for the pre-read. I want to send them all their own Navalward to do with as they please.**

**Special love and appreciation to everyone who takes the time to review. You make my day.**

**Still 1942. **

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

I woke up later the same night of the incident at the club to the sound of Edward's voice. It was still dark, I was disoriented, and thought I heard him say "fire" and "he's gone" but I couldn't be sure. It took me a minute to realize he was still asleep.

The moonlight coming through the bedroom windows illuminated the distress and fear on Edward's face. He was shaking and sweating and was obviously in the throes of a nightmare. I reached out to touch his arm to offer him some comfort but he wrenched it violently away from me and shouted, "No!"

I wasn't sure what to do until he spoke again. "Please...I can't...smoke...no...please...please." The despair in his voice was so raw and I reached out to him again, unconcerned that he had just pushed me away.

He was lying on his back and I moved close to him so I could put my hands on his shoulders. He tried to pull away but I held fast.

"Edward." His face turned to the sound of my voice and softened the slightest bit. "Edward, it's okay." I put my hand on his forehead and smoothed his damp hair away from his face. "You're going to be fine. Shhh."

He mumbled something I couldn't understand and then sighed deeply before calming completely. I waited a few more minutes to be sure his nightmare had passed and then gathered him in my arms, wanting to continue offering him any comfort I could. His arms came around me and I heard him say my name as he buried his head in my chest and I drifted back to sleep.

I woke up with the sun barely over the horizon and Edward's shadowed eyes staring at me; the dark circles that had completely disappeared over the course of our time together were back. I wondered if his nightmares haunted him while he was away or if was just a coincidence. I turned to face him as he continued to stare at me and the sense of unease I felt the night before came back with a vengeance.

"Good morning." I smiled at him but he looked haunted and didn't return it. My smile faltered as I said, "What is it?"

"Last night is exactly why I don't want you living by yourself in a strange city." I turned onto my back, not wanting to deal with this discussion or the look of worry on his face. "Bella..."

"I know. I'm sorry." I just stared at the ceiling.

"What happened last night isn't the only reason I'm bringing this up, we were going to have this conversation anyway. You didn't handle it well when I left before, and I know some of it had to do with your father, but I _know_ you and that wasn't all of it."

"I will admit that I wasn't in great shape, but so much happened right before you left. What with the attack just miles from home and my dad..." My voice caught at the mention of Charlie, but I continued, wanting him to understand. "I was completely overwhelmed. But it got better. I kept busy and tried to make the best of it." It was true, but I also knew I was glossing over the intense despair and emptiness I felt for those weeks.

Edward moved closer to me and put his hand on my cheek, gently turning me to him and said softly, "Bella, look at me."

Reluctantly, I turned to face him and saw the concern and love he had for me in his expression. It made my heart feel tight; he was going to be putting his life on the line and he didn't need to worry about me on top of it, but there was no way I would go back to Hawaii if he wasn't assigned to a ship out of Pearl Harbor.

"I want you to stay in Hawaii."

"No. You drop this right now, Edward Cullen. I'm going to be where you are. If that's Hawaii, great, but don't you dare ask me to be separated from you for longer than necessary."

"I don't want you to be alone. I'm not comfortable with it and I need you to take me seriously, please."

"I understand your concern, and I promise to be more careful than I was last night. But I need you to believe me when I say that being apart from you is what makes me lonely and unhappy. The prospect of seeing you will go a long way to making my days happier. Please, I need you with me on this. I'm not going to change my mind."

"It's not just that, Bella. I don't think you realize the potential danger. When you told me in your letter that a boy back home asked you on a date..." His jaw clenched and his eyes closed briefly. "Some boys don't know how to take no for an answer. What if that happens and you're alone? I'm not going to be around to protect you and that terrifies me."

"We don't even know where you're going yet. This may well be a useless conversation." God, how I hoped I was right. "But in the mean time I need you to accept that I'm going to be where you are."

"Bella..." He tried to sound stern, but I could hear the waver in his voice. I had known him long enough to know when I was winning.

"Edward, I promise to be careful and I promise to go home if things get bad for me. But they won't and I want to be waiting for you when you come home." I leaned in closer and kissed his soft lips and put my hands in his hair.

His resigned sigh let me know he would support me before he even spoke. I couldn't imagine losing any time with him when he came home. Besides, we were married now and I wanted to make us a home, however temporary.

"Promise me something." His voice was quiet as he ran his fingers along the side of my face. "Promise me that you'll be diligent when you're out by yourself. Promise me that you'll go home if you start to feel too lonely. I'll telegram you if we come home on short notice so we won't miss any time together. Please?"

"Okay, I promise." I meant it, but doubted I would get too lonely. Just knowing when I would see him again would be enough to keep me going. That he might never come home was something I refused to consider, he would always come back to me. He had to, because I was sure I wouldn't survive the loss of him.

"Thank you," he said, moving closer to me. He kissed me so sweetly but I couldn't allow myself to be distracted.

I pulled gently away from him and put my hand on his cheek. "Edward, I want to talk to you about something else."

His brow knit together and he nodded. "Of course. Anything."

I ran my thumb along the dark circles under his eyes. "You had a nightmare last night. A bad one."

I watched his eyes widen and his cheeks redden slightly.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm just worried about you. You were talking and it sounded like you were dreaming about that day at Pearl Harbor." I swallowed, not wanting to think about that day any more than Edward did. "I just...have you had them before? Your eyes look so tired and they looked that way when you got here."

He looked at me, reticence written on his face. "Edward, it's still me. You used to tell me everything. Don't let that change because we're married. You're still my best friend, let me be yours."

He took a deep breath. "I've been having them ever since my first night at Annapolis. Last night was the first one I've ever had in bed with you. I usually wake up, that's why I was surprised when you told me about it." He swallowed loudly and averted his eyes. "I don't know why I didn't wake up this time."

I moved my hand from his cheek and into his hair. "I spoke to you, and I think you heard me. You calmed down, then I held you while I fell back to sleep."

He looked surprised. "Really?"

"Talk to me, Edward." I stroked his cheek again, willing him to continue. He closed his eyes briefly and looked back at me with such a profound sadness that it made my stomach hurt.

"I've felt different since that day. Like I have this feeling inside of me. I don't want to call it anger. It's more like fear and anger and sadness all rolled together, fighting to get out of me." His jaw clenched tightly. "The things I saw, Bella. I know I told you about most of it that night, but it's like it's been seared into my brain and I can't forget or move past it." He moved away from me and onto his back, staring at the ceiling, the white bed sheet falling to his waist. "I relive it every time I close my eyes. The smoke, the death, the men on fire, the screaming. It's just too much sometimes."

I moved closer to him, not knowing what to say but wanting to offer him the comfort of my closeness. "I thought the nightmares were under control. I've been having the most restful sleep I've ever had since we've been here. I guess what happened last night brought it back to the forefront."

"I'm so sorry." I felt awful that my actions caused him so much pain.

He pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. "You did nothing wrong. If anything, I'm grateful that you were able to keep the dreams at bay for as long as you did." He kissed the top of my head and sighed deeply. "I love you."

I ran my fingers through the light sprinkling of bronze hair on his chest. "I love you, too." I was worried about what it would be like for him when we were apart, but didn't vocalize it. There was nothing I could do about it and I didn't want to think about him leaving me.

I kissed up his chest until I reached his lips and softly kissed his mouth. I might not have been able to take his nightmares away completely, but I could make his waking hours as happy as possible by showing him just how much I loved him.

When I emerged from the shower later that morning I went to look out the window and was shocked at what I saw.

"Edward!"

He came running into the bedroom, a look of concern on his face. "What is it?"

I turned to the window and gestured for him to come closer. "Look. Snow!"

Having grown up in Hawaii, neither of us had ever seen snow. I saw a smile slowly form on Edward's face as he came to stand behind me. He put his hands on my shoulders and slowly ran them up and down my arms. "Wow. It looks like it's been coming down for a while. Too bad we were too preoccupied to notice," he whispered in my ear.

I giggled and turned to face him as his arms wound around my waist, meeting at my lower back. "Can we go outside? I want to make a snowman."

"Anything you want, Bella," he said, kissing me quickly on the lips. "But I'm not sure we have the right clothes."

"Oh," I said, disappointed. I had packed our warmest coats, anticipating cold weather, but they were Hawaii winter coats and I didn't expect them to stand up to a New York snowstorm.

Edward looked down at me and kissed me again. "I hate to see you disappointed. Let me see what I can do." He touched me gently, running his hand from the top of my head down to my neck before walking back to the living room. "Start getting dressed," he called as I heard him pick up the phone.

An hour later we were standing in Central Park in hats, gloves, boots and warm coats, snow falling around us. Everything was white and pristine as far as the eye could see, the park was eerily quiet and Edward was next to me. It was almost magical.

"You look cute with a red nose," Edward said, his face inches from mine. I felt his sweet, warm breath on my face and I leaned in to kiss him. His lips were so warm and soft and I wanted to cry with how perfect the moment was.

We stood there kissing for a few minutes until I heard Alice call our names as she and Jasper came running up to us. They were bundled up as we were and I looked at Edward. "How did you..."

He kissed me one last time and said, "Never mind." He smiled wickedly at me then turned to greet Alice and Jasper.

"This is amazing," Jasper said. "I've never seen anything like it." He took Alice's hand and kissed her on the cheek, which was red from the cold or embarrassment or joy or maybe all three. She looked as happy as I'd seen her since we arrived in New York.

Edward put his arm around my waist and we started to walk deeper into the park, Alice and Jasper next to us, holding gloved hands.

"Did yours come yet?" I heard Jasper ask Edward. I stiffened, knowing what Jasper was asking, but it was a subject I had been avoiding thinking about at all costs.

Edward's arm tightened around me and he leaned over to kiss the top of my head. "No, not yet. Yours?"

"No. I'm hoping by the time we get back. We're leaving tomorrow, so I think-"

Edward released me, reached down to grab a handful of snow and threw it at Jasper, effectively ending the conversation. They threw snowballs at each other for a few minutes before I asked Edward to stop so we could make a snowman. We were in a more crowded area of the park and there were kids making snow forts and sledding down hills. There were boys having snowball fights and girls making snow angels.

We spent the next hour trying to build a snowman and did a pretty serviceable job of it, especially considering it was our first time. We used rocks and sticks for the face and named him Hau, the Hawaiian word for snow. By the time we finished I was so cold that Alice and I practically begged to go back to the hotel.

We went through the lobby, soaking wet, and made our way to the elevators before I stopped Edward in front of the hotel café.

"I want hot chocolate. I think that would be a perfect way to end our little adventure, don't you?"

His mouth turned up into the sweetest smile as he took the hat from my head and said, "Absolutely. God, I love you."

I kissed him quickly and grabbed Alice so we could dry off in the ladies room while Edward and Jasper got us a table.

As soon as we closed the door behind us Alice was practically jumping up and down. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!"

I couldn't help but smile at her happiness. "What, Alice?" I laughed.

Her words came out quickly and I had to strain to hear her. "Jasper asked me to wait for him. He said he doesn't want to get engaged while I'm still in high school, but once I'm finished we will and he wants me to meet him when he's on leave and I want to graduate early just like you and Edward did and who knows I could have a wedding this time next year." She stopped to catch her breath and I hugged her, happy that she was so close to getting what she wanted.

"I'm so happy for you," I said, squeezing her tightly. "See, you just had to be patient."

She stepped back and we started to freshen up as she told me about her conversation with Jasper. The incident in the alley the previous night had shaken him and the thought of losing her made him spring into action. He realized that he loved her and wanted to be with her forever. It was important to him to be responsible, however, and do things properly, which meant asking Carlisle's permission and getting her an engagement ring and making the required announcements. This would all take time and he was leaving tomorrow, but with her promise to wait for him.

When we got back to the restaurant and found Edward and Jasper at a table all the way on the back, they seemed to be deep in conversation. They stopped talking and stood as we got to the table and held out our chairs for us.

"I ordered you a hot chocolate," Edward said to me.

I took his hand and said, "Thank you." I loved how he took care of me.

"So, how was breakfast this morning?" I asked Alice.

Alice looked down and Jasper grabbed her hand. "It was fine," Jasper said.

"It actually _was_ fine," Alice said. "I just..."

"Is there something going on that I don't know about?" Edward asked.

Just then our drinks came, along with a plate of pastries for us to share. They looked delicious and I smiled at Edward. He kissed my temple and smiled at me; he knew I had a soft spot for eclairs and cream puffs.

I sipped the warm chocolate as Edward said, "So..."

"It's nothing. Alice thinks my mother doesn't like her, that's all," Jasper said.

"Everyone loves Alice," Edward said. "How is that possible?"

I heard Alice sigh but it was Jasper who answered. "My mother just has a way about her. She doesn't hate you, Ali." He took Alice's hand and kissed it, giving her a smile that she tentatively returned.

Edward reached over, grabbed an eclair and put it on the plate in front of me. Some of the chocolate got on his fingers and I watched in rapt attention as he licked it off, his tongue darting out over his index finger. While his thumb was in his mouth he looked over at me and caught me staring. A smile slowly spread across his face as we continued to stare at each other.

Jasper cleared his throat. "Come on, you two. Cut it out," he laughed.

I shook my head to clear it and looked down. I sometimes forgot the rest of the world existed when Edward looked at me like that.

"Sorry," Edward said, taking a sip of his hot chocolate and smiling.

"Anyway, breakfast was very pleasant this morning," Alice said. "Maybe I just overreacted before." She shrugged her shoulders and bit into an eclair and I was sure that she wasn't feeling as nonchalant as she was acting.

We talked and laughed and finished up our drinks and pastries before making our way back to the elevators.

We were stopped by a hotel clerk in the lobby. "Excuse me, Lieutenant Cullen? Lieutenant Whitlock? Something came for you and it was marked urgent. I'll just go get it. Please wait here."

Edward nodded and the clerk turned around and headed for the front desk. Edward turned to me and put one hand on my waist and the other on my cheek, running his thumb along my cheekbone. It was soothing but it didn't stop my heart from pounding in my chest so loudly I was sure Edward could hear it. I was vaguely aware of Alice's voice but I couldn't focus on anything except Edward and his hands on me and the depth of his green eyes as they bore into mine. We didn't say anything as we stared into each others eyes; we didn't need to. Reality was finally here and no matter how much we wanted to, there was nothing we could do to stop it.

The clerk returned and Edward took the thick envelope, finally averting his eyes from mine and entwining our fingers as we made our way to the elevator. I didn't know what happened to Jasper and Alice and couldn't find it in myself to care. My future was in an envelope in Edward's hand and that was all my mind could focus on.

We were silent and stiff on the way up to our room. The normally friendly elevator operator noticed our disposition and didn't say a word as we ascended to the top floor, he simply tipped his cap as we got out.

Once we were in our room I sat on the edge of the couch, wringing my hands, waiting for Edward to open the envelope. He looked at it as it shook in his hands and then looked at me, clearly nervous.

"Just do it, Edward. We have to find out eventually." I didn't want to him to leave, but part of me was anticipating the relief of finally _knowing_.

He looked at me for another moment before turning it over and opening it. He pulled out the a few sheets of paper and I got up from the couch, my nerves frayed and on edge.

As he read it, his hands trembled noticeably. His eyes sought me when he was finished. When they found me his hand reached out to me. He was still shaking.

"Bella." He pulled me into a tight hug and I was terrified.

"Edward, what is it, please." The anticipation and fear were enough to bring tears to my eyes. He pulled back and looked at me, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Office of Naval Intelligence. Stationed in Silver Spring, Maryland." I looked at him, momentarily confused.

Then it dawned on me. He would be stationed stateside. He wouldn't be at sea at all. We could live together. There would be no waiting for letters, no nightmares that he would never return, no threat of death or injury. I would lie down every night with my husband and wake up to him every morning.

The relief I felt made my knees buckle, but Edward was there to hold me up. He held me close for a long minute as I let the reality of our situation sink in completely. I looked up at him as his arms continued to hold me close. He was smiling down at me and his eyes were bright.

"Can you find us a house and move us in 4 weeks?" My brows came together in confusion. "I'll have 4 weeks of advanced training in Illinois and I report to ONI immediately afterward."

I kissed him deeply for a long minute before I said, "Of course I can. I can do anything as long as I'm with you."

We spent a few minutes going over Edward's paperwork and the details of his assignment. Edward told me that he had been fairly certain that he would be placed in Intelligence based on his special training at Annapolis, but couldn't be certain where he would be stationed, especially considering the global reach of the war.

He still couldn't tell me much about what went on at Annapolis, but he did reveal that most of his training concentrated on his mental acuity as opposed to the other recruits who ran drills and learned how to man certain stations on war ships.

We spent some time talking about what would happen while Edward was at his additional 4 weeks of training but quickly decided to seek out Carlisle and Esme to tell them our news and ask for their help. We found their room and when Esme answered the door, she looked at Edward, waiting for his news. He laughed and hugged her, picking her up and spinning her before putting her down gently.

"Edward?"

"I'm stationed stateside, Mom." His smile was wide and happy as he looked at his mother, waiting for his news to register.

"Oh!" Her hand went to her mouth and she looked like she was going to cry. Carlisle came over to Edward and shook his hand, congratulating him and asking for more details.

We all sat down and Edward held my hand while we went over the details. We decided that Carlisle would come to Maryland with me while I searched for a place for Edward and I to live before going back to Hawaii and packing us up for the move.

As we were finalizing the logistics Alice came in, looking upset. Jasper would be the Communications officer on the Heavy Cruiser _USS_ _San Francisco_, based out of Norfolk, Virginia.

She seemed genuinely happy that Edward would be stationed stateside and even asked us if she could stay with us while Jasper was on leave. We assured her that once we were settled she would be welcome any time.

Since this would be the last night we would all be together for the foreseeable future, we decided to have a family dinner with the Whitlocks. It was somewhat subdued, given that Jasper would be out to sea and at war in a matter of days, but I was having a hard time concealing my happiness.

That Edward wasn't leaving me was an outcome I had barely allowed myself to consider; I didn't want to hope for something that was so unlikely. We could have our life now. We would live together and I could love him every day without fear that he would be harmed. It was every dream I had come true and I felt very, very lucky and more than a little excited at the prospect of Edward and I starting our life together.

We made love that night, but it was different than almost every other time. I hadn't realized until then that we had been rushing, trying to fit in as much as we could in the short time we thought we had together. This was unhurried and gentle and sweet and I hoped it would be like that from now on.

As I fell asleep that night, Edward's warm body behind me, holding me close, I felt content. I would miss him for the 4 weeks he would be gone, but I had no more fear that he would leave me or be taken from me.

The rest of my life was set to begin.

* * *

******This is a long one, please bear with me.**

**Edward's assignment was planned from the beginning. Stick with me here, I know what I'm doing. Sort of. **

**Review and I'll send you an EPOV from part of chapter 9. Do it, you know you want to know what was going on in his head. Besides, Edward's thoughts during chapter 9 were much more interesting than his thoughts during chapter 10.**

**My main squeeze, Ninapolitan, along with lolashoes and tby789, is organizing "Twilight Fandom Gives Back." It's a fund drive for childhood cancer research. There will be an author auction and some cool Twilight merchandise available for bidding. Please stop by and support this worthy cause. **

**www (dot) thefandomgivesback (dot) com.**

**Thanks for your attention.  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Still 1942**.

* * *

The next four weeks passed in a whirlwind of activity. Carlisle flew to Maryland with me to search for a house while Alice and Esme went back to Hawaii. Within two days we had found a lovely little two bedroom house about a half a mile from the building where Edward was assigned. I wasn't sure how to go about putting down a deposit or paying the rent, but Edward told me before he left that his parents would handle it until his training was over, so I left it to Carlisle.

Carlisle and I flew back to Hawaii once the lease was signed and I began packing our belongings to set up our home. Our clothes, books, and a few other personal belongings would come with us, but everything else would stay behind. It just didn't seem worth lugging everything when the house came furnished and all we would really need were linens and maybe a painting or two. I enjoyed packing Edward's things; it felt intimate and personal and something only a wife would do for her husband.

I still hadn't decided what to do with Charlie's house, but I finished packing up the last of our belongings, leaving most of the boxes stacked inside.

Esme assured me that she and Carlisle would keep an eye on the house for me and make sure the lawn was cut and it was aired out periodically. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that maybe Edward and I would eventually come back to Hawaii and it would be nice to have a place to live if we did.

I spent a few hours going through the boxes of Charlie's belongings that Carlisle packed all of those weeks ago, hunting for something I wanted Edward to have. I finally found it in the last box I looked in, nestled among Charlie's medals and citations. I looked at it for a long moment, letting memories of my father assault me before I put it with a few other things I wanted to take to Maryland with me.

I considered going to visit Charlie's grave and leaving the letter I had written after he died, but when I thought about it my heart would pound and my palms would sweat. For the first eighteen years of my life, my father had been my constant and I wasn't ready to have him represented in my mind by a stone marker; he was so much more than that. I kept putting it off until there was no time left and I found myself at the airport, ready to fly to my new life with Edward.

I had spoken with Edward twice by phone so we could trade details; I told him about the new house and he told me about when he would be leaving Illinois. I got to Maryland a week before Edward was due to arrive and set about making us a home. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely. Esme and I had talked about Alice coming with me but school was starting again soon and it would only be a few days before Edward would be here.

I had very little experience with anything related to setting up house. Charlie and I had moved only once, and he had a moving company handle the details. It made me nervous to think that I would have to do this alone, but I was bolstered by the fact that Edward wouldn't be far behind and after that we would be doing everything together. I cleaned and unpacked with a smile on my face and a clear sense of purpose; to make a home for, and with, my husband.

I spent some time exploring the small town of Silver Spring. The city itself was small compared to New York, but still bigger than any city back in Hawaii. I was able to easily walk to town to take care of any business I had, but I wondered if Edward would want us to have a car.

On my third day in the house, I was surprised by a knock on the door. I opened it to find a large, smiling woman holding a casserole dish.

"Hello, dear. I'm Shelley Cope, I live right next door. Welcome to the neighborhood." She held up the dish and smiled at me. "I brought you a little something."

I smiled at her, introduced myself and invited her in, pleased that she had come over. I had questions and hoped she could help me.

We sat down to coffee and she told me about herself. She had been born in Silver Spring and currently lived here with her husband, Felix. They had a son named Joseph who joined up on December 8th and was currently in basic training. When she spoke of her son, the pride in her voice and demeanor was evident and even though she was obviously quite a few years my senior, I thought we were going to get along well.

She seemed overly eager to find out about me and I hoped my initial impression of her was correct and she wasn't a gossip. I decided to tread lightly, having had my share of gossipy neighbors back in Hawaii. I told her the basics about me and about Edward, and she seemed impressed that he was stationed at ONI at such a young age. She asked some probing questions about our families and our lives back in Hawaii, but after I gave a few evasive answers, she seemed to get the hint and we moved on to more neutral topics.

I inquired about the location of the local telephone office and about how to get my milk delivery started. She happily provided me with the information I needed, along with an offer to knock on her door if anything else came up. She also invited me over for dinner but I politely declined, wanting to spend my time getting everything perfect for Edward's arrival.

We parted ways a while later and she promised to check on me periodically until Edward arrived, something I was sure would have pleased Edward, had he known about it.

The last week of February was finally upon me and while Edward couldn't give me specifics because the Navy was handling all of the arrangements, he was due on the twenty-third, sometime in the afternoon. I had handled our time apart well, but the nights were difficult. I was getting enough sleep, it never felt restful enough. I longed for the comfort of Edward's long, lean, warm body next to me at night, knowing that's where I would find my peace and my rest.

I woke before the sun the morning Edward was due, anxious to see him, to have him kiss me and hold me and fall sleep with me. I took a long bath, washed my hair and put on the prettiest dress I had. I cleaned and straightened and listened to the radio and paced, jumping at every sound I heard from the street, hoping it would be him.

At a little after seven o'clock that evening I heard a car door slam and ran to the window, where I saw Edward emerging from a black car while a man in uniform was retrieving his bags from the trunk.

I ran outside, down the steps, and threw myself into his arms.

He picked me up off the ground and buried his head in my neck. "Bella," was all he said.

He held me tightly for a long moment before he finally kissed me. I think he meant it to be chaste but I missed him so much and when I opened my mouth he followed suit, groaning softly when our tongues touched.

He continued to kiss me until I heard the man who was with Edward clear his throat. I blushed and lowered my head to Edward's shoulder before he let me down gently. Once my feet were back on the ground he took my hand and turned to the man who was now holding Edward's duffel bag. "Ensign Reynolds, this is my wife, Bella. Bella, Ensign Reynolds. He drove me here from the airport...obviously."

"Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Cullen," he said as he tipped his hat to me. He looked older than Edward, but was obviously outranked by him.

I smiled at him and said, "Thank you. Would you like to come in and have something hot to drink, Ensign?" The sun had set and the wind was fierce and biting.

"No, thank you, ma'am. My orders were to drop off Lieutenant Cullen and head straight back. But I thank you for the offer." He smiled widely at me as Edward took his bag, and they saluted each other before saying their goodbyes.

Edward put his free arm around my shoulder as we walked back up to the house. "You should have a coat on, Bella. This isn't Hawaii."

"I know, I was just excited to see you. The house is nice and warm."

When we got to through the door he dropped his bag in the foyer and took my hand as I gave him a quick tour of the house; I very much wanted him to like what I had done for us. We ended in the kitchen where he took me gently in his arms and whispered in my ear, "It's perfect, Bella. Thank you."

I pulled away and looked at him, so happy that he was finally here. His hair had grown back in nicely, but the dark circles were back under his eyes and I touched them gently. I wondered if his nightmares had returned while he was away. "You look so tired."

He gave me a small smile and said, "I am." He took me in his arms again and entwined his fingers in the hair on the back of my head. "It's so good to see you," he said, his lips against the top of my head.

I looked up at him. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am." He smiled down at me and I kissed him quickly.

"Why don't you go upstairs and get cleaned up while I throw some dinner together?"

"Okay." He kissed me again on his way out of the kitchen and I turned to make my husband dinner for the first time. I wasn't accomplished in the kitchen; usually either Charlie cooked or I ate at the Cullens. I had done my share of helping, though, and had seen enough chickens roasted and soups put together to muddle my way through. As I moved around the kitchen I would smile every time I heard the floor creak upstairs, knowing that Edward was responsible for the noise.

We ate and talked and I kept touching him, so happy to have him next to me. I still marveled at our good fortune of having Edward stationed here and not in some far-flung location, away from me.

We cleaned up together when we were finished, even though I tried to make Edward go sit down and relax after his long day. I washed and he dried and it reminded me of the way Carlisle and Esme spent every evening and it made me smile.

When the last dish was dried it was past nine o'clock and I started to feel the effects of my early morning. I yawned and Edward chuckled at me, grabbing me in a tight hug. The amount of comfort I took from his presence and his arms around me was astounding. I signed deeply and buried my face in his chest, feeling, finally, like this house was a home.

I let out a surprised scream when Edward lifted me, wrapped my legs around his waist and made his way towards the stairs.

"Hang on," he said with a smile. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his jaw as he carried me up to our bedroom.

When we got upstairs Edward turned around and sat on the bed, still holding me, so I was straddling his lap. I kept my legs wrapped around him and ran my hands through his hair as he sighed and buried his head in my neck.

After a few minutes he said softly, "I'm so tired, Bella."

I leaned my head down to his and put my hand on his cheek. "Let's go to sleep," I said.

He rubbed my back and looked up at me for a moment before kissing me lightly on the lips. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too." I took his hand and pulled him off the bed before I helped him undress and showed him where his pajamas were. Once I was changed into my nightgown I crawled into bed next to him and settled myself into his arms, my head on his chest.

When my legs entwined with his he let out a startled yell. "Bella!"

I sat up. "What?"

"Your feet, sweetheart. They're freezing."

I blushed and mumbled, "Sorry." I went to move myself away from him but he held me fast.

"Stay right where you are, please. I've gone four long weeks without you, your cold little feet aren't enough to drive me away."

"I can get up and get some socks," I offered.

"No, just stay with me," he said softly. He ran his hands through my hair and sighed contentedly. "I missed you and it's so good to be home with you."

I remembered the dark circles under his eyes and asked, "How were your nightmares while you were away?"

He didn't answer right away and I would have thought he had fallen asleep except for the hand still running through my hair.

Finally, he answered. "Bad."

I moved my body closer to his and kissed his chest. I wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it so I let his words hang in the air.

When he didn't say anything else I said, "It's good to be home with you, too." His arms tightened around me briefly before I felt his breathing even out, indicating he was asleep. I let sleep take me, happier than I ever could have imagined at the presence of another person.

We woke up early the next morning, Edward to head to his new assignment and me to make him breakfast and see him off. I heard him stir early and even though part of me wanted to stay nestled in our warm bed, a bigger, more dominant part of me didn't want him to have to take care of himself this morning. He was doing good, important work in service of his country, so the least I could do was give him a hot breakfast and see him off.

I was just putting breakfast on the dining room table when Edward came in, dressed much more casually today in his Navy service uniform. He filled out the khaki pants and button down well, and I looked at him appreciatively, heat rising in my cheeks. Once my eyes made their way to his face, I noticed that the darkness under his eyes had cleared somewhat.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked as we sat down at the table.

"I did," he said, leaning over and running the back of his hand across my cheek. "Thank you."

"I didn't do anything."

"You're here. You love me. That's all I need." I was about to respond but the intensity in his eyes stopped me short.

I stared back at him until a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. I handed him the plate of toast and returned his smile. "Come on, have something to eat before you're late."

Once we started eating, Edward said, "There's something I wanted to talk to you about."

I took a sip of coffee and nodded for him to continue.

"I'm working in Intelligence, and there are going to be things I won't be able to talk about with you. Just like it was at Annapolis, but even more so now. My work is highly classified and I've signed paperwork agreeing not to disclose anything I'm doing to anyone, even you." He looked a little ashamed, like he was doing something wrong.

I took his hand and smiled at him. "I understand, really. I don't like that you won't be able to talk to me about what you're doing, but I understand the necessity."

He squeezed my hand as he leaned over to kiss me. "I just didn't want you to think I was hiding anything from you. I hate that there are things I can't share with you."

"Me, too. But it won't be forever and I'm just so grateful that you're here. I'll take a little secrecy over you being away from me any day."

A few minutes later Ensign Reynolds was at our door, waiting to take Edward to his office. I invited him in out of the cold since Edward was still finishing up his coffee and he politely accepted. I barely noticed him the night before since I had been so intent on Edward. He was a few inches shorter than Edward, and where Edward was lean, Ensign Reynolds was stocky, but muscular. As he came in, he took off his hat, exposing dark blond hair. I didn't see a ring on his finger and wondered if he had a sweetheart.

"Would you like a cup of coffee, Ensign Reynolds?" I asked.

"No, ma'am, but thank you for the kind offer. And please, call me James," he said, smiling brightly at me.

"Of course. Please call me Bella."

"Sure thing, Bella." He smiled wider and was about to say something before Edward walked into the foyer. James immediately came to attention and saluted Edward crisply. Edward returned the salute before putting his cap on and turning to me.

"I'll try to call you later," he said as he cupped my face in his hands and gave me a sweet, soft kiss on my lips. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Have a good day." He released me and I saw James staring at us out of the corner out of my eye. I thought it might have been polite for him to look away but decided I was probably overreacting. He seemed nice enough, after all, and I didn't know him well enough to think otherwise.

I spent the day at home, not wanting to be too far from the telephone should Edward call. He didn't really know what to expect as far as when he would be home, but he promised to try to call during the day and let me know. I washed and pressed all of the laundry in Edward's duffel bag. I listened to the radio and I straightened the house. I ate lunch alone at the dining room table and called to have our milk delivery increased. By four o'clock I was starting to get anxious that Edward hadn't called yet but decided to get dinner started anyway.

By six o'clock my mind started to wander. What if something happened to him? Would anyone know where to get in touch with me to let me know? I had no idea what he was doing, how he was spending his time; for all I knew, he could be in harm's way right now and I would have no way of knowing. What would I do if I lost him? If he never walked through that door again? I felt dread coil in the pit of my stomach and I fell heavily on the couch. My breathing was erratic and I felt my heartbeat in my throat.

I took deep breaths to try to get myself under control. I knew he loved me, but this was war and so much was out of our control. I kept telling myself that he wouldn't leave me, not if he could help it.

I thought of our honeymoon. I thought of the night we spent together on the couch in his parent's house before all hell broke loose and my world came apart. I thought of the time we were ten and Edward told me he thought I was the prettiest girl in the world.

Eventually my panic subsided and my heartbeat slowed. I went to splash cool water on my face and when I came back, Edward was walking through the door.

I ran to him and threw myself in his arms, so relieved that he was home. Of course he was safe and hadn't left me. I felt foolish for my earlier anxiety as I felt his arms around me.

He whispered apologies in my ear; he was swamped with work the minute he walked in the door and barely had any time to even eat lunch.

I wanted to ask him about his day but wasn't sure what was acceptable and what wasn't so I avoided it altogether until he brought it up. He told me that he had a small office in the ONI building and that he grabbed a quick lunch with some of the other men who had offices around his. He told me the work was challenging but rewarding and he hoped that he was doing some good.

He looked tired again and after we cleaned up from dinner I wasn't sure what he would want to do. I was about to suggest that he go straight up to bed while I put the dry dishes away when he took my hand and laced his fingers with mine. I looked up at him and he smiled at me but didn't say anything, just led me up the stairs and to our bedroom.

When we got there he took the hand that was clasped with his and brought it to his lips, softly kissing each of my knuckles while he stared deeply into my eyes. I knew that look, and I silently rejoiced. I needed so badly to feel connected to him again, to feel the comfort of the weight of his body on top of mine, to hear him say my name that certain way he did when we were making love.

When he finally brought his lips to mine, my body melted into his and nothing existed except Edward, his hands, his lips and the love and passion the consumed us as we made love.

After the first day we soon fell into an easy routine. I got up with Edward every morning and saw to his breakfast and coffee before James would pick him up. He never came home the same time every day, but I could usually count on him being gone for twelve to fourteen hours per day. I kept myself busy by learning how to cook and clean and do laundry. While growing up, I was grateful that Charlie had someone clean the house for us and do our laundry, but now I wished I had spent some time learning those basic skills. The first time I washed one of Edward's uniform shirts, I tore two buttons loose and had no idea how to sew them back on.

I went, in tears, to Mrs. Cope, who showed me how to use a needle and thread and even sent me home with my own little sewing kit.

As much of a challenge as it sometimes was, I learned that I loved taking care of Edward. He was doing good work, helping us win the war, and I felt like I was doing my part by making sure he had a hot meal on the table and clean clothes to wear.

We spent most of our nights after dinner upstairs in bed. We didn't make love every night, but nearly so. Some nights we just kissed or cuddled and talked, but we were always together. After we had been in Maryland for about two weeks, Edward and I were in bed, kissing, when he gently touched my breast through my nightgown. I took his hand and said, "Edward, we can't."

He looked down at me, confusion furrowing his brow.

"It's..." I took a deep breath. This was Edward, I could tell him anything. "Remember when I said there was a certain time of the month where it's more likely that I'll get pregnant?"

Realization dawned on him as he shifted his weight off of me. "I do remember that." He kissed me on the tip of my nose and then on each cheek and I was glad that he didn't seem too disappointed. After a moment he said, "There's something I'd like to do tonight, if it's all right with you."

"Of course. What?"

"I'll be right back." He gave me a quick kiss on the lips and left the room, only to return a few minutes later with a book in his hand. It was one I had bought just yesterday with some of the money that Edward gave me each week to take care of the house, but I hadn't had a chance to start it yet.

He crawled into bed with me, his back up against the headboard, and opened his arms to me. "_Gone with the Wind_, Bella?"

"I've wanted to read it for the longest time and I saw it yesterday and I just...well, I know it's not serious literature, but-"

"Relax," he said, laughing. "I was only teasing you." He kissed the top of my head, cracked to the book open, and began to read, his soft, silky voice washing over me as I put my head on his chest and listened. He read me the entire first chapter that night, and a chapter each night for the next week. He never let me read to him, explaining that he enjoyed doing it for me and that I took care of him in so many other ways that he wanted to be able to do this small thing for me.

As February thawed into March, the weather started to get warmer and Edward finally got a free day. We slept late and finally set up the extra room on the ground floor as an office for Edward where he could pay our bills and do any work he took home with him. We hung the painting of the boy and girl on the beach that had previously hung in Charlie's office and I felt good as we stood back and looked at it. I thought Charlie would approve. Later in the afternoon, we walked to town to get some office supplies and stopped for lunch at the coffee shop. After we placed our orders, Edward took my hand across the table and said, "Now would be a good time to start applying to schools, Bella."

"I want to wait." He looked at me skeptically. "I know, but I'm enjoying taking care of you and how would any of the housework get done? Besides, the war could end soon and we might want to go home to Hawaii."

"The war won't be ending any time soon Bella, but I would probably have to stay here regardless, and the housework would take care of itself." He ran his thumb across my knuckles. "You've always wanted to go to college. Don't lose sight of that, Bella. We'll work it out."

"I promise to think about it, okay?"

"Okay, whatever you want. I won't push you."

"Thank you."

He raised my hand to his lips and kissed it sweetly, his eyes never leaving mine. I smiled brightly at him and we continued to stare and smile at each other until I heard an unrecognizable voice call out from behind me, "Edward?"

I turned around and Edward looked up. "Hey, Emmett," he said, releasing my hand and standing.

I saw Edward shake hands with a large, handsome man in a Navy service uniform; he was a Lieutenant Commander, one rank above Edward. "You off today?" Edward asked as he released Emmett's hand.

"No, I just got finished and wanted to grab a quick lunch with Rose before heading home." He turned to the woman next to him. "Sorry. Edward, this is my wife Rosalie, Rosalie, this is Edward. We work together."

To say that Rosalie was stunning would have been an understatement. She was tall and slender, had her long blond hair tied up at the back of her neck and had the most striking features I'd ever seen. Her sparkling blue eyes settled on Edward and she gave him a small smile. "It's nice to meet you, Edward."

"You, too, Rosalie." Edward turned to me and I stood. "This is my wife, Bella. Bella, Emmett and Rosalie." Edward had told me about Emmett; they sometimes got driven in together and he had described Emmett as funny and easy-going, but also very smart and good at what he did. Not that I knew what that was.

"It's nice to meet you both." I looked at Edward briefly, searching his face. He nodded slightly. "Would you like to join us for lunch?" I asked.

"That's okay, you looked a little...involved when we came in. Emmett should have left you alone," Rosalie said, a smile on her face.

"Aw, come on, Rosie..."

I laughed at their easy banter and liked them immediately. "I insist. Please join us."

"Absolutely," said Edward. "Please."

I saw a look pass between Emmett and Rosalie.

"Sounds good," Emmett said.

After she and Emmett placed their orders, Rosalie looked at me and asked, "So, how long have you been married?"

"Since January," I answered.

"You look young. How old are you?"

I blushed as Emmett groaned, "Rose..."

"What?"

Emmett looked at me and smiled. "You'll have to excuse my wife. She says what's on her mind." He rolled his eyes but there wasn't even a trace of anger in his voice.

"Don't you apologize for me. She looks young to be married." She turned her attention back to me. "Unless there was some rush..."

I blushed an even deeper shade of red and Edward grabbed my hand and kissed it with his smiling lips. I decided that I really liked Rosalie. As embarrassed as I was, I found her blunt nature refreshing, and so different from the rest of the women I knew.

"There was a bit of a rush I guess, but perhaps not the kind you think." I launched into our tale and told them the basics of what happened from the days before the attack until we moved to Maryland. I quickly skimmed the events surrounding my father, not trusting myself to remain calm if I talked about it too much.

They listened in rapt attention, asking questions where appropriate, and Edward added a few comments when necessary.

"Wow, that's some story," Emmett said when I was finished and our lunch had arrived. "I'm sorry about your father, Bella."

"Thank you." I felt my heart begin to race but the warmth and pressure of Edward's hand on my back helped me get it under control.

As we ate, we talked about the war, about the town where we lived, and about our families. Rosalie was five years older than me and Emmett two years her senior, and they had been married for three years. They lived just two blocks from us and Rosalie spent some time every week volunteering at the VA hospital. It felt nice to just sit and talk with friends and for the first time since that fateful day in December, I felt normal.

We said goodbye to them outside of the coffee shop with promises to get together soon.

We spent the rest of the day working around the house and just being together. We were tired after dinner and decided to just go upstairs so Edward could read to me before we turned in. Edward was already under the covers when I slid in next to him and curled up to his side.

He began to read as I kissed his neck and ran my hands through his hair. By the time my lips made their way to his, the book was long forgotten.

* * *

**So, the next part of the story begins. I hope you enjoyed the little snapshot of their happy, quiet life together. **

**Thanks to brighterthansunshine28 for her mad beta skills. Special big, huge thank you to Lucette21. She beta'd for me, as always, but she also spent an inordinate amount of time chatting me through what was wrong with the original iteration of this chapter. I owe her a debt of gratitude.**

**I really do appreciate everyone who takes the time to review. That was some response for the last chapter.  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**Today is December 7th - the 68th anniversary of the aerial assault on Pearl Harbor.**

**Some facts about the attack of December 7, 1941:**

**The attack sank four US Navy Battleships (two of which were raised and returned to service later in the war) and damaged four more.  
The Japanese also sank or damaged three cruisers, three destroyers, and one minelayer.  
188 aircraft were destroyed  
2,402 people were killed  
1,282 were wounded**

**While I use the attack on Pearl Harbor and World War II as a backdrop for this story, I never forget that it was fought by real people with real families. Men and women died and were wounded in defense of the defenseless. Allied countries around the world lost men and women in battle, and in some cases, attacks on their home soil.**  
**  
If you know a veteran, especially one of World War II, remember them with thanks today. **  
**  
End PSA, thank you for reading. See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

"How do you feel about having children?" Rosalie asked.

I almost spat out my coffee at her blunt question. "Oh, I'm not ready for that yet." This wasn't something that was talked about. Women got married and had children and rarely, from what I could discern, got asked how they felt about it. I silently thanked God for Edward, who asked for and took into account my opinion, where I knew so many husbands didn't.

"What are you doing about it? About not getting pregnant, I mean. You two can barely keep your hands off of each other in public, I can't imagine what it's like in private."

As usual, something Rose said made me blush. We had become fast friends, getting together a few mornings a week for coffee and cake after Edward and Emmett had gone for the day. Rosalie always brought over a delicious piece of cake or pastry from the bakery, I made coffee, and we spent a few hours talking about our lives, the world and anything else that struck our fancy. Edward and I had been out together with Emmett and Rosalie twice since our initial meeting at the coffee shop and had enjoyed ourselves immensely.

I was more open and honest with her than anyone outside of Edward and it was refreshing to talk to another woman who was married and whose husband was secretive about his work.

I swallowed my embarrassment and said, "We, um, refrain during certain times of the month. I hope we will some day, but not now. I just don't think I could handle it."

Rose looked at me skeptically. "I think you're probably a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"You sound like Edward," I laughed.

"He's right, Bella. Look, I'm not saying you should run off and have children tomorrow. Try to wait until you feel ready. But you don't strike me as a weak person. I think sometimes women are told they're weak, so that's how they behave."

I thought of Charlie then, and wished Rosalie had known him. I wished she could have known how strong and how sure of myself he made me feel. Then maybe she would understand why I didn't always feel that way anymore.

Rose interrupted my reverie. "Is it Edward? Does he make you stay home and take care of him?"

I almost choked on my coffee. "God, no. He's been urging me to get out of the house and go to school."

"I thought so. I just wanted to make sure. So, why don't you go to school?"

"I just...I like taking care of Edward." I was wringing my hands in my lap, nervous about what she would think of me. "I can't explain it. I do want to go to college and get my degree; it's just that right now, in this moment, seeing to his needs is what makes me happy." I looked up at her shyly. She was so active in the war effort and I didn't want her to think less of me for the time I spent tending to Edward and our home. Besides the three days a week Rose spent at the VA hospital, she had been talking about getting involved in the Red Cross and had been urging me to join her.

"Bella, I'm your friend. I'm not trying to pressure you. Although I would love for you to do this Red Cross thing with me," she said hopefully.

"Well...I don't know..." I smiled, knowing I had already decided that I was ready to start volunteering.

She literally stamped her foot, apparently growing tired of asking. "Come on, Bella. You know as –"

"Okay, you win," I cut her off.

She smiled happily as we made plans to walk to the Red Cross office early the following week.

I opened up to Rose and she, in turn, opened up to me. She told me about how Emmett had saved her from a life she thought she was destined to have but was suffocating her. She started dating Royce when she was 16 at the urging of her parents; Rosalie's father had business with Royce's grandfather and the match would have solidified the relationship. The only problem was that she didn't love Royce, or even like him for that matter. He was rude and abrasive and treated her like a commodity. He stifled her opinions and thought all she was good for was her pretty face. She felt trapped – she wanted to please her family but knew she was committing herself to a life of unhappiness.

At their engagement party, Rosalie contradicted Royce's opinion on the coming war in Europe in front of some of his friends, and he became incensed. He practically dragged her outside and began shouting at her. Many of the guests went to the window, gawking at the spectacle of them arguing with each other. When Royce noticed that people were looking, his face became red with embarrassment and just as he raised his hand to hit her, he found himself flat on his back with a bloody mouth. Emmett, who was a classmate of Royce's, had intervened when no one else would.

Rose and Emmett left the party together and were married a week later. As a consequence of their marriage, Rosalie's family disowned her. Not only had she compromised her father's business, but Emmett was at university with Royce on scholarship since his family couldn't afford to send him on their own. None of that mattered to Rosalie, nor did she miss her family. Emmett loved her and encouraged her and fostered her opinionated, outspoken manner. He took care of her but didn't smother her and in turn, she took care of him. Aside from his military career, Emmett desired a home and family more than anything else; they had the home, and were working on the family.

x-x-x

One night, toward the end March, Edward and I were awoken in the middle of the night by the telephone. Edward practically flew out of bed to get it since our phone never rang at this hour.

"I'll get it, sweetheart," he said, his voice gravelly from sleep, as he walked quickly from the room clad only in his boxer shorts.

He came back a few minutes later and headed straight for the closet. His voice was clear and strong – he had woken up quickly. "I have to go. Something came up. A car will be here for me in twenty minutes."

I went to get out of bed but Edward tried to stop me. "No, Bella, stay in bed. There's no reason for you to get up."

"Don't be silly," I said, rising from bed and pulling on my robe against the chill in the air. "I'll go make you some coffee."

I walked over to where Edward was getting dressed and he enveloped me in a tight hug. "I love you. Thank you."

I looked up at him and kissed him lightly on the lips. "You're welcome. I love you, too."

As I stood at the stove brewing a pot of coffee, I wondered what could be pulling Edward away from me in the middle of the night. Having grown up with Charlie, I knew being in the Navy meant I should expect the unexpected, and it was wartime, but I knew so little about what Edward did every day and it was eating away at me a little bit. I felt like he was living a whole life separate from me. While I meant it when I told Edward that I would take him being with me and a little secrecy over him being away from me, it didn't make it hurt any less.

I handed Edward his coffee as he came into the kitchen, looking more awake than I was sure he felt. He took a long sip and said, "Thank you, Bella. This is exactly what I need." He took another sip and leaned down to kiss me. "_You're_ exactly what I need."

There was a soft knock on the door and Edward went to go get it while I poured myself a cup of coffee. I looked up at the clock and saw that it was just past three o'clock in the morning and I knew there would be no more sleep for me tonight. Not without Edward here.

I heard murmured voices in the entryway and came out of the kitchen to find James waiting patiently for Edward to return from wherever he had gone.

He smiled gently at me and said, "Hello, Bella. Sorry to bother you at such a late hour."

"Oh, that's all right," I said, pulling my robe tightly around myself. "It's not your fault."

"No, ma'am, it's not, but I'm sorry for taking your husband away just the same."

"It seems like you were just here, don't you ever sleep?

"Not when Lieutenant Cullen needs to be driven somewhere," he said. I thought I saw a sneer darken his face, but it was gone so quickly that I wasn't sure it was ever there at all. He smiled at me again. "Will you be all right here by yourself?"

"I'll be fine," I said, wondering what he meant. "Why do you ask?"

He didn't have time to answer as that was the moment when Edward came down the stairs, fastening his watch to his wrist. He took his coat off of the coat rack, slipped it on and leaned over to give me a kiss. I gently touched the side of his face and whispered, "I love you." He smiled and whispered back to me and I watched him disappear into the cold, dark night, an empty feeling settling in the pit of my stomach at his absence. I hoped this would be an isolated incident.

I spent a lonely few hours around the house not really doing anything, wondering where Edward was and what he was doing since I literally had no idea. I dozed for a bit on the couch around daybreak then decided to get up and start my day.

It was warm enough outside that I could hang the laundry out to dry, so that's what I did when late morning hit. I felt incredibly weary from lack of sleep, but I wanted to be awake when Edward got home because I was sure that whatever he was doing was much more tiring than hanging laundry.

Edward had put the clothes line out just two days ago since it had been too cold before that. I also needed him to hang a shelf in the living room and look at the leaky faucet in the bathroom, but these things would have to wait. I knew he didn't mind the small jobs around the house; it was more a matter of having the time and the energy to do it. He always came home so tired and I hated asking, even though every time I did he happily did as I asked, even if it took him a few days to get to it.

I was out in the back, putting our bed sheets up on the line when I saw our other neighbor Charlotte approaching me from her backyard. She and her husband Peter lived directly behind us and I had met her just last week. She was very nice and friendly, if slightly overbearing, and I had enjoyed the few conversations we'd had. Her husband Peter was an instructor at Annapolis, although not one that Edward had come in contact with during his time there. They lived in Silver Spring so Peter and Charlotte could take care of Peter's mother, who was ill, and Peter commuted to the Naval Academy every day.

"Hi, Charlotte," I said as she approached.

"Hello, Bella. I was just heading into town and thought you might like to come."

"Oh, no thank you. I'm a little tired and I have some things to get done around the house." I didn't mention that I wanted to be here for Edward once he came home.

"Now that you mention it, you do look tired. Is anything wrong?"

I momentarily considered if Edward's late night phone call should be kept a secret, but ultimately saw no reason why it should be. It wasn't like I knew what he was doing.

"Edward got called in early this morning and I haven't been able to get back to sleep." I continued to put up the sheets and Charlotte reached over to help me.

"Do you have trouble going back to sleep once you're up?" she asked.

I put a clothes pin on the side of the sheet she was holding up and reached for a pillowcase.

"No, it's not that. I just sleep better when Edward's here."

She laughed as she grabbed a clothes pin and handed it to me. "Thank God I don't have that problem. Peter's always staying late and sometimes doesn't come home at all. I would be a wreck if I couldn't sleep without him."

I blushed and ducked my head, embarrassed to have my weakness laughed at.

She noticed and smiled at me. "Don't be embarrassed. It's just that Peter and I have been together for so long that things are just easier for us now." She put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry, you'll get there."

I appreciated her concern, despite the hint of condescension in her voice, but I wasn't sure I wanted to be comfortable being without Edward.

Edward came home a little after two o'clock in the afternoon, weariness in his posture and on his face.

"Hi," I breathed, my hand reaching up to his tired face and coming to rest on his cheek. "You look so tired."

"You have no idea," he said, exhaustion evident in his voice. "I've been sent home to sleep for a few hours before I have to go back." He hugged me tightly and I inhaled, comforted by his arms and his distinct scent; leather and soap and Edward.

"Do you want to eat?" I asked, reluctantly pulling away from him.

"No, I'm too tired. I just want to sleep."

"Come." I took his hand and led him upstairs. He headed for the bathroom and I found some pajamas for him that he put on when he came to join me a few minutes later.

He got in bed and I sat on the edge, stroking his hair.

"That feels so good," he said softly, his eyes closed but stress still etched on his face. "I'm sorry I had to leave you."

"It's okay. It's not your fault. Besides, it was only for a few hours." I kissed his forehead and continued to run my fingers through his hair until his breathing evened out and his face relaxed. I sat next to him for a few more minutes, my mind concocting scenario after scenario regarding what he had been doing all night.

I got up with a resigned sigh, realizing there was a distinct possibility that I would never know.

He woke up in the early evening and I gave him a quick meal before James was once again knocking on our door, waiting to take Edward away from me.

Edward and I stood together by the front door, his head bowed so our foreheads touched.

"I'm sorry you have to be alone," he said, his voice low and tinged with sadness.

I reached up my hands and wound them around the back of his head and into his hair. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that I knew he wanted to stay with me and that was enough. But I didn't want to lie to him, ever.

So I let him kiss me goodbye without saying anything.

I didn't sleep that night because Edward never came home.

He came through the door at close to ten o'clock the following morning and we went straight up to bed. We were both exhausted and I could see the guilt in Edward's face when he saw how tired I was.

Once we were in bed, his chest to my back, he asked, "Didn't you sleep at all?"

"No," I answered. "I tried, Edward. I just...I was worried about you and I missed you."

He kissed the side of my neck and tightened his arms around me. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice almost resigned.

"It's all right. I'm just glad you're home now." I felt tired but so comforted by his presence, his sweet breath on my neck and the feel of him next to me.

"Me, too," he sighed. "You have no idea how much."

"Can you talk about it?" I figured it never hurt to ask.

I felt him shake his head. "No, sweetheart. But I wish I could."

"So do I."

x-x-x

We continued like that for a few weeks, with Edward always coming home to sleep at least once a day, but the timing was never consistent. I wasn't sleeping when Edward wasn't home so I was tired and irritable and just wanted him to be with me every night again. He would come home at odd hours and need a drink or two to unwind and clear his head, then we would have something to eat, followed by both of us falling into an exhausted sleep.

We hadn't made love in weeks and he was always too tired to read to me. I missed him terribly and wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they had been when we first got here.

It was also during these weeks that Edward's nightmares returned. I was woken up on more than one occasion to Edward moaning and talking in his sleep, although the words were rarely coherent. Each time it happened I was able to successfully calm him down and soothe away the dreams, but he was always more exhausted than usual after he woke up following the nightmares. He claimed that he never remembered specifics of the dreams, but always apologized for disturbing me, even going so far as offering to sleep on the couch, which was never an option as far as I was concerned. I wanted us to work through it together but Edward didn't seem to want to discuss it, so I decided to be patient and hope he would talk to me when he was ready.

I was in no shape to start volunteering with Rose at the Red Cross and our morning get-together had to be put off until our schedules were back to normal. Emmett was still being picked up in the morning and coming home every night and it made me angry that my husband seemed to be the one having to adjust his life in such a drastic fashion. I felt foolish for ever being upset that he had to be secretive about his work. At least when he had been secretive in the past he had been here with me. Now that was all I wanted, no matter what the cost. I spent those weeks lonely and sad and tired and wanting my husband a Thursday toward the end of April, Edward came home at six o'clock in the evening and told me, for the first time in weeks, that he didn't have to leave again until morning. The project they were working on was finished and things could finally go back to normal.

I felt the tension as we were sat down and ate our dinner that night. It had been so long since we had been intimate and Edward's gaze was intense and filled with longing. I felt exactly the same way and wondered if my desire for him was as obvious as his was for me.

After we finished, I stood up and went for Edward's plate so I could begin to clean up, but he put his hand on my wrist and stood up before I could take it.

"Later," he said, releasing my wrist and taking my hand, entwining our fingers together.

He led me upstairs and I followed him without question.

As soon as we entered the bedroom he dropped my hand and took my face in his hands. His kiss wasn't what I had come to expect from him. It wasn't soft and sweet, it was rough and desperate and I reveled in how much he wanted me.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered hoarsely in between kisses.

"Not as much as I missed you," I retorted, my hands moving to unbutton his shirt.

Once we had it off, Edward unzipped my dress and ran his hands along the bare skin of my back, making me shiver. "I doubt that," he said.

"Oh," I said, his hardness pressing between my legs, causing a wave of arousal to hit me. I had almost forgotten how good he made me feel.

"I need you, Bella," he said, removing my dress completely so that it pooled at my feet. He unhooked my bra and lowered my underwear so quickly that before I knew it, I was naked in front of him.

"I want to make you feel good. Can I do that?" he asked, pulling me close to him and running his hands across my hair and down my back. I wondered at his asking but was too overwhelmed by him to put much thought into it.

In answer to his question, I reached for his pants and undid them with a speed I didn't know I possessed, taking them down his legs and then stepping back so he could kick them off. I could see his erection through his boxers and the thought that I did that to him made my heart rate pick up.

He stepped close to me and kissed me more gently than before, but with the same passion and need. His lips were so soft. As he continued to kiss me, he slowly backed us up and pushed me down on the bed when it hit the backs of my knees.

He hovered over me on the bed, his gaze intense and loving. I wanted nothing more than for him to continue, for him to touch me with his hands and his lips, but I waited patiently for him to lead us as he always did.

I tentatively reached my hand up to touch his cheek, running my fingers across the roughness of his unshaven face, hoping to elicit a reaction. He sighed and pressed his body fully to mine, kissing my neck and whispering his love and need for me into my over heated skin. He gently touched my breasts and I whimpered softly, loving the way his hands were soft yet demanding.

He shifted us to our sides and I went to take his boxers off but he stopped me. He ran his hand along my hip and I gasped when his hand reached between my legs. "Oh God, Edward," I choked out, my legs falling open of their own volition. I wasn't sure why, but my release already felt incredibly close.

As he continued to touch me, the feeling in the pit of my stomach reached a fever-pitch and I felt my hips start to move with his hand. As my climax hit me, I called out Edward's name and pulled his hair almost violently with my hand.

Before I could fully recover, Edward was back on top of me, boxers discarded, hands on my hips. He rested his forehead to mine and as he entered me, he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.

"Oh, Bella," he sighed when he was fully inside me. He started to move his hips and I wrapped my legs around his waist. "I hated being away from you. You feel so good." His voice was still soft but laced with something akin to desperation.

Edward picked his head up and briefly looked into my eyes before burying his head in my neck and snaking his hands around behind my back.

The next thing I knew, we were flipped over, my legs on either side of Edward's hips with him still inside of me. I looked down at him questioningly, wondering if he wanted to stop making love. His head cocked to one side and he grabbed my hips, moving me up slightly, then back down.

I bit my lip, feeling very exposed and uncomfortable. We had only ever made love one way so I was used to Edward's body covering mine. This way I was on display for him to see and it made me feel embarrassed and unsure of myself. Edward still had his hands on my hips but he had stilled his movements. He was looking at me expectantly and I started to panic when I realized what he wanted.

I had no idea what to do and no desire to be in control of our lovemaking. "I...Edward...I don't..."

Edward saw the look on my face and immediately I was on my back and Edward was holding me close, whispering in my ear.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. We don't ever have to do that again, I promise. It was a mistake." He picked his head up and looked at me, remorse clearly written on his face. I was still a little taken aback at the quick turn of events and my heart was still pounding from my near panic attack, so I just nodded.

He rolled off of me and took me with him so I was at his side, wrapped tightly in his arms. "I'm sorry," he said again, an edge of panic in his voice.

I didn't know what he was sorry for since I was the one who had failed, but I reassured him anyway. "It's all right," I said, my head buried in his chest. I realized that I had ruined our first time together in weeks and I hoped he wouldn't be disappointed that he didn't get to finish. "Edward, you didn't...I'm sorry I ruined our night," I said softly.

He released me so we were on our sides facing each other. Our legs were entwined and I could feel his sweet breath on my face as he spoke to me. "You didn't ruin anything, I did. I never should have done that." He gently touched the side of my face with his hand and kissed my lips softly.

I deepened our kiss, wanting to give him what I hadn't before. I didn't want him to go to sleep unsatisfied and thinking badly of me.

He pulled away gently, his hand still on my face. He ran his thumb under my eye and said, "We're both tired, let's just go to sleep."

"But..."

"Bella, please. I don't need..." He took his hand from my face and ran it through his hair, tugging gently. He looked exasperated but his voice was soft. "I love you. I made a mistake and I feel terrible. I just want to sleep."

"Okay," I said, just wanting to forget what had happened and my failure as a wife.

He dragged a blanket from the end of the bed to cover us and pulled me close.

I was exhausted but sleep eluded me for a long time.

We never again talked about that disastrous attempt at lovemaking, but after that night we were intimate just as much as we had ever been, and in the same way we always had been. The first time after our failed effort was awkward, but we quickly recovered. When Edward's schedule got back to normal, we moved on from _Gone with the Wind_ and into _For Whom the Bell Tolls. _Edward was no longer drinking every night and we were both much more well rested and content than we had been for the weeks Edward had to work so hard.

However, I was sure that we would never truly get back to the way things were. I jumped every time the phone rang, especially at night, dreading the time when Edward would be taken from me again. I found myself clinging to him while he was home and even though it made me feel weak, I was powerless to stop it. Not that he complained; it was almost as if he needed me as much as I needed him.

Adding to my discontent was the fact that the war news wasn't good. The British had surrendered Singapore to the Japanese in February of 1942 and the United States lost the Philippines in May. Despite General MacArthur's vow to return, the Allies' prospects of winning the war quickly were beginning to dim. The British were losing ground in North Africa and notwithstanding their successful defense of Moscow, the Soviets were unable to get the Germans out of their homeland. Rationing had begun at home and President Roosevelt told us that we were in this for the long haul.

I knew the work Edward was doing was important and I figured that on some level whatever he was doing was keeping our boys, Jasper and Mrs. Cope's son Joseph included, safer as they actively fought our enemies. I knew I was lucky to have him home, in whatever capacity I could, but I had a nagging feeling that it wasn't going to last.

* * *

**I need to give special thanks to Lucette21, who betas every chapter patiently and thoroughly.**

**Thanks to Daisy3853 and brighterthansunshine28 for the beta work. Yes, I require a full team of betas.**

**I appreciate all of the reviews I've gotten so far - I respond to every one, even if it takes me a few days. I also try to honestly answer your questions without giving too much away. As a wise woman once told me, it never hurts to ask.**


	13. Chapter 13

**This is a long one. Thanks for sticking with me.**

**Props to my buddy SR who unknowingly schooled me on the proper use of the word Scotch, in reference to the libation. Even at my advanced age, it's nice to know I can still learn something new.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

I wanted Edward's birthday to be extra special this year; it would be our first as a couple and the first we would spend together since his ill-fated twelfth birthday party. I hoped to make it a positive experience for both of us from now on, starting with this year.

Edward's schedule had been relatively normal for a few weeks and through Emmett, we were able to arrange for both he and Edward to have the night off. I planned a dinner at home for the four of us and invited the Copes and Charlotte and Peter to join us for cake afterward.

I dug through some of the boxes I had brought from Hawaii and found the gift I wanted to give Edward. I knew in my heart that Charlie would approve and I hoped that Edward would appreciate the sentiment behind it.

Edward came through the door promptly at five–thirty, followed closely by Emmett and Rosalie. I had spent the afternoon cooking and was nervous when we sat down, hoping he would like what I prepared. Sugar was rationed but I was able to save enough by skipping it in my coffee every morning and I baked Edward a cake. It was lopsided but I hoped it tasted good.

Everyone liked the food and I felt my heart beat a little faster at everyone's praise. I made the steak in a French style called au poivre since Edward and I had enjoyed the French food we had in New York so much. During dinner, Edward mentioned that the chicken dish we had at the restaurant was the most delicious food he had ever eaten (outside of mine, of course) and I decided to make it for him at my next opportunity. I remembered that it was called coq au vin and that it had tasted heavily of wine. I would have to save some of my weekly household money to be able to afford it, but it would be worth it to surprise him with a special dinner some night.

When the phone rang as I was making our after dinner coffee, I didn't think twice about it until Edward came into the kitchen and I only had to look at his face to know what was coming.

"Not tonight," I pleaded. "Please."

"I'm sorry..." He held his hands out and went to continue, but I didn't want to hear it.

"Just go. Leave." I was expecting people any minute and the guest of honor had to leave. I was absolutely mortified.

I turned my back on him to put an end to the conversation but he came up to me and gently put his hands on my shoulders before running them up and down my arms. "Please don't be angry. You know there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe you can still have a good time without us."

"Us?"

"Emmett has to go, too."

"Fine," I said, turning around to face him. "Go if you need to go, but please don't ask me to be happy about it."

I stormed out of the kitchen and passed through the dining room, where Rose and Emmett were saying goodbye, on my way into the living room. As I got to the foyer there was a knock on the front door but I didn't have to open it to know who was on the other side.

James was smiling as usual, but it faltered a little bit when he looked into the dining room and saw a cake and presents on the table.

"Are you having a party?" he asked.

"We were," I said through clenched teeth. "It's Edward's birthday."

James looked at me for a moment as his eyes softened in understanding. "I'm sorry, Bella. You're a good wife to do something like this. It's a shame he won't be here to enjoy it."

"Yes, it is," I said, turning to go back into the living room as Edward walked in and returned James' salute.

I heard Edward tell James to wait out in the car, followed by Emmett and Rosalie saying goodbye at the front door. I felt more than heard Edward come up behind me. Once again, he lightly touched my shoulders and I shivered at his gentle touch.

"I have to go, but I'd rather not leave while you're angry with me," he said softly.

He put one arm around my waist and the other across my shoulders and I instinctively leaned back into him. "I'm not angry with you. I'm disappointed and frustrated but I know there's nothing you can do about it." That might have been my greatest disappointment. Edward always fixed everything. From kids picking on me at school to my sadness after my father died to the leaky faucet in the bathroom. Edward always fixed it and made me feel better. He couldn't fix this and that scared me.

I turned in his arms and embraced him as tightly as I could, not wanting him to go away thinking I was angry. He kissed me softly on the mouth, told me he loved me, and left.

Charlotte came over a few minutes later without Peter. He hadn't been able to get away and was spending the night at Annapolis. The Copes soon followed and after I explained the situation, we all sat down to coffee and cake. I could tell Felix felt a little uncomfortable being the only man in the room and he promptly excused himself to go back next door right after he finished his coffee.

I felt badly about it, but I couldn't help my lack of enthusiasm for the rest of the evening. Everyone tip-toed around the subject of Edward's absence but I was never able to fully enjoy myself as it was always in the back of my mind.

Not having Peter around didn't seem to effect Charlotte in the least and I silently wondered if something was wrong with me. Why did it hurt so much every time he left? I tried to tell myself it was because today was his birthday, but I knew it was more than that. My dependence on him was starting to nag at the edges of my mind.

Mrs. Cope drove Rosalie home since it was late and Charlotte stayed to help me clean up.

"Charlotte?"

"Mmm," she said, scraping a cake plate over the garbage.

"Do you..." I trailed off, unsure of how to ask my question. Deciding the direct approach was the best, I said, "Don't you miss Peter when he spends long hours away from you?"

"Of course I do," she said, looking understandingly at me. "But it's been that way for us for so long that it seems almost normal now. It's been almost three years that he's had to work odd hours and I'm used to it."

"Oh," I said. "I assumed he was away so much because of the war, just like Edward."

"No, it's been going on for a while." She took my hand and looked at me as a mother would a child, even thought she was no more than few years older than me. "You'll get used to it. Men have to work hard and we have to deal with it. It's not always fair but that's the way life is sometimes."

I nodded and smiled, not particularly liking the way she spoke to me but unwilling to push it any further. She left a few minutes later and I was once again left to deal with the silence that accompanies an empty house.

I stayed up waiting for Edward until about midnight and then decided that the waiting was useless.

I left Edward's present on the table with the remainder of the lopsided cake and went to bed.

"Bella, sweetheart?" I heard Edward's voice and felt him hand rubbing my back, but it took me a moment to realize that it wasn't a dream. I had tossed and turned for hours after I got in bed and was sure I had only been sleeping for a few minutes.

I opened my eyes and saw dawn breaking over the horizon out the bedroom window before turning onto my back and seeing Edward sitting cross-legged on the bed next to me. He was holding his unwrapped birthday present in his hands. He looked pensive and a little sad and I wondered if he disliked his gift.

"I didn't know your grandfather was in the Navy, Bella," he said quietly, turning the watch over in his hands, staring at it intently. He still hadn't looked at me.

"Yeah, he retired an Admiral when I was just a baby. He passed away a few years later. That was his retirement gift. It got passed down to Dad after the funeral."

"I remember you and your dad going away for the funeral. I was angry because we were supposed to go fishing that weekend and our trip got canceled." A small smile graced his lips. "I didn't know what the word funeral meant. What were we, six or seven, I think?"

"Seven."

He finally looked at me. "I'm sorry about tonight."

I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. "It's all right. It wasn't your fault." Knowing that certainly didn't make it hurt any less, but he didn't need the guilt I knew he would feel if I let him know that.

"I know, but you wanted to make my birthday special and you were so excited." He shook his head and grabbed lightly at his hair. "I wish I could give you more normalcy and consistency." He was staring out the window with a blank expression on his face, his fingers lightly running along the engraving on the back of the watch which read,

_Admiral John Swan  
US Navy  
June 27, 1926_

"There's a war going on. There's nothing normal about the world right now. We'll manage." I sounded more confident than I felt. I wanted to tell him that I wanted that too. That I missed him terribly and wanted us to spend more time together just talking and being together. But we couldn't and bringing it up would do no good.

His lips turned up into a small smile. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" he asked, looking right in my eyes. "This gift is...thank you, Bella. I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me. I'll have a part of you and your history with me wherever I go."

He moved next to me and gently took me in his arms, resting his lips on top of my head. "I love you," he whispered into my hair.

"I love you. Happy birthday, Edward," I said softly.

Edward sighed and kissed the top of my head. "I had a piece of cake. Was it your first?"

"Yes. I know it was crooked and looked si–"

"Nonsense," he said, cutting me off. "It was beautiful and tasted delicious." He took a deep breath and let it out. "You put so much thought into everything, trying to make my birthday special...I just want you to know that it was and I'm sorry it was ruined."

"It wasn't ruined," I said, trying to make him feel better about what happened. "We still got to have dinner together, and you're home now."

"And I don't have to go back right away tomorrow," he said. I looked up at the smile on his face as he continued. "Commander Henry heard about my birthday and came to me himself, ordering me to take some time with you tomorrow."

"But..." Commander Henry was too far up the chain of command to be worried about a Lieutenant's birthday. "How did he know?"

"I'm not sure. Office gossip, I guess." He shrugged his shoulders and ran his hand through my hair. "So what would you like to do tomorrow?"

"Nothing."

He pulled away and looked at me, clearly confused. "Nothing?"

"Exactly. I want to wake up slowly, eat breakfast and just _be_ for as long as we can." I snuggled back into his chest, so happy that we would get to spend some time together, even if it was just a few hours.

"That sounds perfect," he breathed.

I looked up at his tired face and put my hand on his cheek. "Come and lay down, you're tired."

He nodded and got out of bed, discarding his uniform and crawling in next to me in nothing but his boxer shorts. I loved when he came to bed like that. His body was somehow more comforting to me when I could feel the warmth of his bare skin up against mine.

Once we were settled in bed, Edward held me closely and I felt myself finally slipping into a restful sleep.

We spent the next morning in bed, talking and touching and kissing softly. We made breakfast together and I let Edward feed me pancakes dripping with maple syrup. Then went back to bed for the remainder of the afternoon.

It was an almost perfect morning and afternoon together, and the last we would have for a long time.

x-x-x

Right before Edward's birthday, we had gotten word that Jasper's ship was due to dock in Norfolk, Virginia on the morning of June 29th. Alice would be flying in and Jasper would travel here from the base; he would have to drive over two hours to get here but he said he wanted to feel at home somewhere after spending so much time at sea so staying on the ship wasn't an option.

Alice would be staying in the house with us also and this was quite a bone of contention for Carlisle and Esme. Edward and I had to assure them that there would be no shenanigans under our roof and that they would be supervised at all times while in the house before they finally relented. I just needed to make sure I could keep my promise; I knew that Alice was the one pushing the physical side of their relationship and I secretly wondered if it was Jasper's virtue that needed protecting, not Alice's.

Jasper's parents wanted to fly in but George had suffered a bad fall two months prior and wasn't able to travel.

Alice arrived on the 27th and spent all of her time before Jasper arrived shopping and getting her hair and nails done.

"I can't believe I'll be with Jasper again in just two days," she told me the night she got to Maryland. We were sitting up after Edward had gone to bed, catching up and reminiscing.

"I'm so happy for you. Does he write often?"

Her smile was big and happy as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "All the time. Our letters are constantly crossing because we write each other so much. He's been gone almost six months and I have a huge stack of letters at home."

"I'm surprised they make it to you so quickly."

"Oh, they don't. But he writes so frequently that I'll sometimes get two or three at a time. We number the top of all of our letters so we read them in order. I'm so glad we do because he's got a running commentary going about life aboard the ship. He writes just about every day and sometimes it almost feels like I'm right there with him." She got a far away, dreamy look on her face and I couldn't help but smile.

"He doesn't go into too much detail, though, does he?" I asked.

"He doesn't get that specific, but I know the basics of what he does. Enough that I can picture him doing it on a daily basis."

"Oh," I said, ducking my head and biting my lip.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"Nothing...well...it's just that Edward can't tell me anything specific about what he does. I know about some of the people he's with and he'll tell me some things that aren't confidential, but it's very little. I sometimes feel like he's living a whole life separate from me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know," she said softly. "You seemed so happy together when you picked me up and during dinner. I had no idea."

I sighed heavily, wishing she wouldn't be so extreme in her thinking. "We _are_ happy. Very much so. It's just..." I took a deep breath and smiled. "It's not important. He's here and we're together and that's all that matters." I couldn't really expect her to understand what I was going through and I was almost sorry that I brought it up.

She looked at me doubtfully. "I think it _is_ important. You wouldn't have brought it up otherwise."

"Really, it's fine," I said, still smiling. "Things aren't perfect. He works long hours and he's tired much of the time and not knowing what's making him exhausted can be frustrating. But that's a small price to pay to have him here with me."

"I should think so," she said. "I don't mean to sound unfeeling, but he's here, Bella. And as much as you wish things were different, imagine if they were. Imagine if he was away from you, gone for months at a time. You're very lucky. Even if you only see him for a few hours a day, it's still _every_ day."

"I know," I said quietly.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel bad."

"You're not. And you're right." I needed to stop lamenting what I didn't have and start being grateful for what I did.

Alice and I retired to bed soon after, and as I crawled next to Edward, his warm body instinctively molded to mine. As his arms snaked around me and his legs tangled with mine, I felt awful for what I had been feeling earlier. He loved me and I loved him and this was forever. I should have been patient with his absences and grateful for his presence and not angry that he couldn't tell me things. Alice was handling Jasper being away for months at a time better than I was handling Edward being away for hours at a time. I felt weak and stupid and selfish.

Tears built in my eyes and a sob escaped my throat. I tried to keep it quiet, but this was Edward and he hadn't let me be sad around him since we were in diapers, asleep or not.

"Bella, what is it?" he asked, sounding sleepy.

"I don't really know. I just love you and I'm so glad you're here." I turned to face him and his arms stayed around me as he pulled me close.

"I'm always going to be with you. Don't ever doubt that."

"I know," was all I could manage to say.

"Please don't cry. I've always hated it when you cry."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, sweetheart. I just want you to be happy. What can I do?"

"I don't even know why I'm crying. I _am_ happy, truly," I said.

"You have a funny way of showing it. If this is happy, do you laugh when you're sad? And yawn when you're excited?"

I laughed as he held me close and kissed the top of my head.

"That's such a beautiful sound," he said. "I'd like to hear you laugh more often."

Just then he touched a spot on my upper arm that only he knew about. He found it by accident when we were younger used to touch it to torture me, sending me into fits of laughter. He hadn't touched me there in years but it still had the same effect on me.

I was laughing uncontrollably and trying to get away from him. "Stop, please...no more."

"That's the sound I was looking for," he said, smiling and hovering over me, his hand still on the tender spot on my arm.

When he lowered his lips to that same spot I let out a loud groan as the sensation sent heat right between my legs. He'd never done that before I was shocked at how good it felt. Edward looked down at me with a wicked grin on his face. "I should have tried that a lot sooner, I think," he said.

When his lips met my arm again my earlier tears were forgotten. He was here and I would appreciate every minute we had together.

x-x-x

On the day Jasper was to arrive, Alice wasn't able to eat or concentrate on anything meaningful; she spent her time pacing and biting her newly manicured nails.

She squealed when he walked through the door and she threw herself into his arms. He hugged her tightly, picked her up, and spun her around. Once he lowered he to the ground he kissed her slowly on the mouth and I walked away smiling, happy that they were together again and wanting to give them some privacy.

They found me in the kitchen a few minutes later.

"Hello, Bella," Jasper said. "I'm sorry about that." He flushed slightly and looked down.

"Don't worry about it," I said, smiling at him. "I know what it's like to be in love."

"Well, it's nice to be here and thank you for having me. I hope it's not too much of an imposition."

"Of course not, it's our pleasure. Edward should be home a bit later. In the mean time, let me show you where you'll be sleeping."

I led Jasper to Edward's den with Alice trailing behind us. Alice was already set up in the spare bedroom so we moved one of the couches from the living room for Jasper to sleep on while he was here. I showed him the den and the bathroom and apologized about the accommodations.

"Are you kidding me?" Jasper said. "This is a million times better than the cot I have to sleep on while on the ship."

Alice and I excused ourselves and left him to settle in and clean up after his long trip.

Jasper kept Alice and I company in the kitchen while put together a welcome home dinner. Alice told me that he hadn't been eating well and I let her take the lead and followed her direction as we cooked; I knew she wanted to be able to make him his first home-cooked meal in months.

I was hoping Edward would be home for dinner, but I wasn't holding my breath. His hours away from me had regulated and he came home every night again, but it seemed to be getting later and later. He did tell me he would try to get home early if possible and I hoped he would so he would get to spend some time with Jasper.

We waited as long as we could for Edward but finally decided to sit down and eat before Alice's meal became cold. Edward made it home in the middle of dinner and he and Jasper greeted each other warmly before he sat down to join us.

Alice spent most of dinner expending some of her nervous energy by regaling us with tales from home. It seemed that Jessica and Mike had found each other and were going steady, even though Mike was due to ship out to soon. Angela was still forbidden to see Ben so she left her parents' house and was making it on her own while Ben was in the Pacific. Carlisle had taken a temporary commission back into the Navy and was hard at work at the VA hospital. I felt myself feeling nostalgic for home and wondered when we would ever be able to get back. And if I would have the nerve to visit my father's grave once we did. I still had the letter I wrote him tucked into my drawer upstairs, waiting for the opportunity to leave it with him.

Alice herself seemed different. She had obviously grown up and was taking her relationship with Jasper seriously, planning for a future as a wife and mother. She had no intention of going to college and if Carlisle and Esme hadn't insisted, I knew she wouldn't have bothered even finishing high school. I didn't begrudge her; she knew what she wanted and had no doubts about her future. I wished I could say the same.

After dinner, Edward and Jasper decided to sit out back and drink a few beers while Alice and I cleaned up. We could hear their laughter through the screen door and it made me smile. I knew Edward had missed Jasper, even though it wasn't something he admitted to me.

Shortly after Edward left the next morning Jasper wandered into the kitchen dressed in his uniform. After I eyed him speculatively he blushed and mumbled, "I forgot, I don't have any civvies."

"Do you think you could fit into Edward's clothes?" I asked.

"I don't want to impose and more th–"

"Nonsense," I interrupted. "Come upstairs, we'll find you something."

I started upstairs without waiting for an answer and he followed behind me. I showed him where Edward's clothes were and headed back downstairs, mindful to be quiet while passing Alice's closed bedroom door.

Jasper came down a few minutes later looking much more comfortable in slacks and a collared shirt. I smiled, pleased that he had found something that fit him.

"Would you like some breakfast? I asked.

"I don't want to–"

"_Impose_, I know. You're not imposing, I want you to be comfortable here. If it makes you feel any better I was going to make something for myself anyway. I can just throw some extra on for you."

"Okay, Bella. Thank you. For everything."

As we sat down to breakfast Jasper looked at me for a moment before asking, "Bella, is Edward all right? He seems...different, but I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. Is there something bothering him?"

"Aren't we all changing? Are you the same boy who left on the _San Francisco_ all those months ago?" I was defensive and I knew it, even though I knew Jasper's concern was genuine.

"No, I'm not. I'm sorry, perhaps I shouldn't have said anything." He cut his pancakes and looked down thoughtfully. He was concerned for Edward and I dismissed his worry outright. I knew Edward was different but I didn't think it was in a good way and I was unsure if I was prepared to discuss it with Jasper. I looked at him momentarily and realized that this was perhaps the one person who knew Edward as well as I did and maybe he was the exact person I should be discussing this with.

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry." I took a deep breath and said what I knew to be the truth. "He's unhappy, Jasper. We have good moments together but whatever he's doing consumes him and not in a good way." I was relieved at having spoken the words out loud.

Jasper nodded his head in understanding. "I see that. When we were talking last night he seemed so standoffish and stiff at times. But sometimes...sometimes he would be Edward again and it was just like old times" He smiled. "Especially when we were talking about you."

I blushed and returned his smile briefly, sipping my coffee slowly. "I'm not sure what to do," I said quietly. "I want to make him happy."

"Oh, I think you do. You're the best part of him Bella, you have been for as long as I can remember." Jasper paused and rubbed him cheek thoughtfully. "Other than doing what you have been, I'm not sure there's much else you _can_ do. I don't know a hell – pardon me – of a lot about Intelligence work, but I can imagine it's stressful and just as life and death as being on a battleship in the middle of the Pacific. Add to that the secrecy involved and it must make it that much more difficult to deal with."

Jasper wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, but it was a relief to talk about this with someone who knew Edward almost as well as I did.

"Thanks, Jasper. I know it's not easy on him and I'm trying really hard to be what he needs me to be."

I looked up at him and was taken aback by the incredulous look on his face.

"Bella, you only need to be yourself for him. Believe me when I tell you, you're all he's ever wanted. I couldn't imagine what he would be like right now with everything he's going through if you weren't in his life."

I felt tears of gratitude spring to my eyes and Jasper patted my hand lightly just as Alice bounded into the room, effectively ending our conversation. As Alice grabbed her own breakfast and chatted on about what she wanted to do that day, I felt the weight that had been on my shoulders lift just a bit.

Jasper and Alice spent the next few days going for long walks, eating out, going dancing, seeing films and spending quiet time together. They looked so happy and in love and I was pleased that they finally seemed to be on the same page where their relationship was concerned. Edward wasn't around much, but when he was, he tried to spend as much time with both Jasper and his sister as he could.

We had a small gathering for Jasper that Friday. Edward set up a grill and we got extra lawn chairs and a bucket full of ice to keep the beer cold. Rosalie and Emmett came over early to help us set up; Edward and Emmett had somehow finagled the same day off, much to my relief. Edward and Jasper were lifelong friends and I hoped they would bring Emmett into the fold since he and Edward got on so well. I hoped the same for Alice, Rosalie and I.

Rosalie came in to the kitchen as Alice and I were preparing salads and immediately jumped in to help. I hadn't seen Rose since Alice came to stay so I filled her in on Alice and Jasper and how we all knew each other.

"So, Jasper's your boyfriend?" Rose asked Alice.

"Yes," she said. "But we'll be engaged soon."

"What's the hold up? " Rose asked. I knew her question came from a place of curiosity and not judgment, but Rosalie wasn't known for her tact and I was concerned that Alice might take it the wrong way. Much to my surprise and delight, she seemed completely relaxed when she looked at Rose and answered.

"I'm still in high school and we want to wait until I'm finished," she said with more confidence than I had ever heard from her before. "Besides, we're not in a rush."

Just then, Edward walked through the kitchen and came up behind me, planting a kiss on my neck. I smiled and turned my head to give him a quick kiss on the lips, forgetting we had an audience. Edward put his arms around me and buried his face in my neck before Alice chimed in, laughing at us.

"You two are impossible."

"Aren't they, though?" Rosalie chimed in.

Edward lifted his head and smiled at Rosalie. "You're one to talk," he said to her, lightly kissing my neck before making his way through the house.

I looked over at Rose, who had a rueful smile on her face as she watched Edward leave the room.

"He's right, you know. You and Emmett are just as bad as we are," I said, smiling.

"It can't be nearly as bad," Alice said. "Besides, Emmett's not my brother. That's just..." She shuddered and I swatted her arm with a dish towel.

"And he's also my husband, so watch it," I said playfully.

"I know, still weird for me."

"When are you graduating high school?" Rose asked, changing the subject.

"Next year some time. I'm putting in extra work so I can graduate early. I'd hate it if Jasper had leave and I couldn't see him because of classes," she replied.

"It's not like high school teaches anything important anyway. All I learned how to do was cook and sew," Rose said.

"That's what most of us learn, unless you're Bella," Alice said, looking at me.

Rose cocked her head, waiting for an explanation, so I recounted for her my first few days of high school.

_I looked at my schedule, aghast at what I was seeing. Cooking, sewing, typing...hygiene?_

_I must have been standing there staring for quite a while because the next thing I knew, Edward was next to me, urging me not to be late for my first class. I looked up at him and shook my head, still disbelieving what I was seeing._

_"What's you first class, Edward?" I asked him._

_"Math. Why?"_

_I looked at my schedule. Nope, no math. At all._

_I silently seethed and handed him my class schedule. He glanced at it and his eyes got wide. "Sewing?" he asked. "The only academic class on here in English Lit. At least we have that together," he said hopefully._

_I snatched it back from him, annoyed at the lack of choice I was given. I didn't want to learn how to sew. Charlie always told me that there were more important things to learn than domestic skills. Dad cooked, we had our house cleaned and we sent our darning out to be done. I wanted a _real_ education, like the one Edward was going to get. It wasn't fair._

_"I know that look, Bella. Calm down and wait until the end of the day and then see what you can do about it. I'll go to the office with you if you want me to." Edward grabbed my hand and started walking me to my first class._

_I didn't know if I could do anything about it, but I knew someone who could._

_When my father and I sat down to dinner that night, he asked me how my first day of school was. In answer, I handed him a copy of my class schedule._

_He looked at it as his fingers stroked his chin thoughtfully._

_"You should see Edward's schedule. Math, history, Italian! He already knows Italian! Ugh, its not fair."_

_"I'll go down to the school with you tomorrow morning," Charlie said simply._

_I went to my first class the next day, but was pulled out 20 minutes later and sent to Freshman math. I walked in to the classroom and was met with the stares of fourteen boys. I honed in on Edward, who gestured me over to him. I sat right next to him and immediately felt less self-conscious. We had most of the rest of our classes together, with the exception of Shop and Physical Education, both of which I wouldn't be taking. I was stuck in typing and hygiene when he had those classes, but I felt much better about my schedule overall._

_When I saw my father that night, the first thing I did was throw myself at him for a hug. "Thank you."_

_He chuckled at my enthusiasm. "Anything for you, baby girl. Make me proud."_

_"I will, Daddy. I promise."_

I wondered what my father would think now. I could have used those domestic skills classes for all I was using what I learned in the classes he fought for me to take. I felt slightly guilty, but took solace in the fact that I knew I would go back to school some day when the war was over and Edward didn't need me so much.

I looked up at Rosalie and she was staring at me with an odd, unidentifiable expression on her face.

"What?" I asked her.

She shook her head slightly. "Nothing."

"You have something to say?" I asked. "It's nothing I haven't thought about myself, so just come out and say it."

"Well, it just seems like all of that education is being wasted." She shrugged, but at least had the decency to avert her eyes.

I sighed and said, "I know. I _will_ get back to it. I just..." I shook my head, not really knowing how to continue.

"School was always really important to you, Bella," Alice chimed in. "I know the war and what happened with your dad and Edward changed a lot for you, but don't forget about what you wanted for yourself."

I stared at Alice, wondering where this new found wisdom had come from.

We had an enjoyable evening, sitting out back, eating, drinking and laughing. The six of us seemed to integrate seamlessly and I couldn't remember when I had a better time. Edward was relaxed and happy and affectionate and I had a glimpse of what our life would have been like had there been no war.

x-x-x

Soon after Jasper and Alice left, Edward's hours once again became erratic. He was in and out of the house at odd hours and we quickly fell out of our routine once again. The only good thing was that I was now able to sleep while he was gone, albeit fitfully.

We spent the month of July as strangers passing in the night. We barely spoke except for the "I love you" we gave each other at every parting. I ate most of my meals alone and slept without Edward almost every night.

I threw myself into the work Rose and I were doing at the Red Cross, hoping it would alleviate some of my loneliness. It worked to an extent, and I was grateful for my friendship with Rose, as it provided me with the companionship I craved, but these were mere substitutes for the person I wanted with me the most.

The time Edward and I did spend together was short and usually involved Edward drinking a glass of Scotch, eating and then going to bed. I felt lonely even when we were together but I never mentioned it to him. I was still determined to enjoy whatever time we were fortunate enough to have together. Whatever they had him doing was weighing heavily on him and I wanted our home to be a refuge, not a place of strife. Despite the strain, he seemed to take comfort in our short time together and I was grateful that I could at least give him that.

After Edward had come home three evenings in a row, I asked him if he thought it would be a regular occurrence and he said he hoped so. I decided to take a chance a make a special dinner for the next night.

Sure enough, Edward came home the next night and I was almost bouncing with excitement. I had gone to the library and looked up a recipe for coq au vin and then spent the afternoon meticulously following it, preparing what I hoped would be a reasonable facsimile of what we had in New York.

I kissed Edward at the door and told him that dinner was ready.

"I just want to have a drink and relax. I'll be in the other room." His tone was short and I bit my lip to hold my emotions in check. Edward was never anything but kind and sweet to me and the way he spoke to me took me by complete surprise.

I went back in the kitchen and stared in stunned silence at the dinner I had been preparing all afternoon. I didn't know what to do with it so I left it cooling on the stove and cleaned up the kitchen. I scrubbed the pots and wiped down the stove and the counter tops. By the time I was finished more than forty five minutes had passed and our meal was cold and congealed and completely ruined. I threw it in the garbage and considered what to do next. Remembering both what Jasper said about how much worse things might have been for Edward if he didn't have me and my vow to appreciate the time we had, I hid my disappointment and decided to see if maybe Edward wanted a sandwich before he went to bed.

He was in the living room, drink in his hand, his head resting on the back of the sofa. His eyes were open but his face was expressionless.

"Are you hungry yet?" I asked softly.

His head snapped up there was fire in his eyes. "Christ, Bella. I told you I wasn't hungry. Could you just leave me the hell alone?"

He sounded so angry that I stood there in shock for a moment before tears sprang to my eyes. I gave a soft apology and turned to leave the room.

"Oh, God, Bella. No, no, no." I kept walking, tears falling down my cheeks, until I felt his hand on my arm. I jerked away, wanting to run from this Edward that I didn't know, but he wouldn't let me. He took my arm again and gently pulled me back toward him. He embraced me tightly from behind and I could smell the Scotch on his breath.

"I'm so sorry. Please, Bella. I didn't mean it," he said, his voice soft but vehement.

His mood swung so quickly and all I could do was stand there and let him hold me while I cried. He picked me up and carried me to the couch, sitting me in his lap where held me and continued to whisper apologies in my ear, but I couldn't seem to stop crying.

"I'm sorry. Please stop crying. I love you so much." He ran his hands soothingly across my back and through my hair and placed soft kisses on my face. Eventually my sobs died down but I didn't know what to say because I was so angry and hurt that he had ruined the special dinner I planned.

He lifted my chin so I was looking directly into the green of his eyes. His anger was gone, replaced by remorse and sadness. "I never should have spoken to you like that. I'm truly sorry. I know I hurt you - I deserve your ire, but please know that you are everything to me and if I could take it back, I would." He looked so sincere and I wished he could take it back too. But it was too late.

I took a deep breath and looked at him, swallowing my anger and disappointment so it settled in the pit of my stomach. I had only tried to make him happy and was met with anger and I couldn't understand what I had done wrong.

"Why?"

It seemed like such a simple question, but all Edward could do was sigh loudly and run his hands through his hair, tugging gently. I wondered if it hurt.

He opened his mouth as if to speak and then closed it again quickly. He sighed again, looked down and said, "I don't know, sweetheart. Things have just been so..." He trailed off and looked back up at me, a silent plea for understanding in his eyes.

I knew he couldn't talk about it, even if he wanted to. He was having a hard time and I just wished he could tell me about it so maybe I could comfort him even if there was nothing I could do to ease the situation. But I knew it was an impossible wish.

"It's okay, Edward. I know you can't talk about it." I smiled and kissed his lips sweetly, even though my insides were churning and I felt like I was going to be sick. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"What did you make for dinner?" he asked, a small smile forming on his lips.

I blushed and ducked my head, not wanting to think about the hopes I had for the evening. "Nothing special," I said.

"Come on, tell me," he said, his voice playful, his lips at my neck, his breath hot on my skin.

I kept my head down and said, "Remember when you said on your birthday that you liked that chicken dish we had in New York? I found a recipe for it."

I felt Edward shudder and then his arms were around me, holding me tightly. "I don't deserve you," he said, the sadness in his voice deep, making my insides feel even more unsettled than before. "Please say you forgive me. Please, Bella. I'm so sorry." He pulled away from me and tugged at his hair again, harder than before. I thought I saw him wince in pain.

I pulled his hands away and held them in mine. "I forgive you," I said, looking in his eyes, willing him to believe me and stop berating himself. "You didn't know."

"That shouldn't matter. I shouldn't speak to you like that under any circumstance." He ran his thumb across my cheek and look contemplative. "I've ruined your dinner. Shall I take you out?"

I thought briefly about taking him up on his offer but almost immediately changed my mind after looking at his tired, bloodshot eyes. I knew he meant well, but he needed to sleep more than I needed a dinner out. Plus, I had lost my appetite.

"No, that's all right. I'm not really hungry any more."

"Because of me," he said, so softly I was sure I wasn't meant to hear it. "Please let me feed you something," he said, his voice louder. "I'm supposed to take care of you and I've done an utterly despicable job of it tonight." He looked so sincere and there was something almost desperate in his voice. I wanted nothing more than to take that desperation away.

I stood up and grabbed his hand. "Come, you can help me make us sandwiches."

He took my hand and we walked toward the kitchen but he stopped me in the doorway, pulling me into a tight hug. "I love you. I may not always show it, but I couldn't do this without you."

I hugged him back tightly, wanting him to know that I couldn't be without him either.

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**Historical Note: The _San Francisco_ was based out of Pearl Harbor and docked there on June 29, 1942. For the purposes of this story, I've made her home port in Norfolk, VA.**

**Much gratitude, as always, to Lucette21, kick-ass beta extraordinaire.**

**Thanks go out to LTR for her help with this chapter. Her insight was invaluable.**

**When I wrote the final scene of this chapter, I knocked out a quick EPOV for myself, wanting to understand him a little better. I'd be happy to send it to anyone who reviews. He had a lot to say and I think it will help with your understanding of what he's going through during this time period.**

**Thank you to all of me readers and reviewers. Your thoughts and insights make this a better story and I'm grateful when you take the time to share them with me.**

**Happy Holiday, whichever one it is you celebrate. See you after the new year.**


	14. Chapter 14

**For wwp and mjpiper...STILL 1942!**

**They sometimes forget and like to be reminded.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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In August, a heat wave hit the Northeast, with temperatures climbing into the triple digits for three days in a row. There were warnings on the radio for us to conserve power, but on the third day, there was a complete blackout. I didn't know how far it extended, but there wasn't a light for as far as I could see from my front porch. When the lights went out, I was home alone and it was well past dark. Mrs. Cope sent Felix over to check on me but after I assured him that I had a flashlight and plenty of candles, I was on my own again.

The heat was oppressive without a fan to cool the air so I opened every window in the house, hoping for some relief. But the air was heavy and there was no breeze like the one we got off the ocean in Oahu, so I was sweating almost immediately. My dress was sticking to me and I briefly thought about taking a cold bath before deciding against it, sure I wouldn't have enough candles to illuminate the bathroom properly.

I was a little uneasy at being alone in the dark and wished Edward was home, but resisted the urge to call him. I had only used the number to his office sparingly, not wanting to make a pest of myself when the men and women over there were fighting a war. Besides, with the lights out, I was sure they had more important things to do than track down Edward for me.

Ever since my ruined dinner, things between Edward and I had gotten better. He was more affectionate and talked to me more, although rarely about his work. He was drinking less and we even found time to start a new book. Things weren't ideal, but they were improving considerably.

Edward called me twenty minutes later, wanting to make sure I was safe and sound. I wanted so badly to ask him to come home, but knowing it was out of his control and not wanting to cause him any distress, I said nothing. We had been communicating a little better of late, but I knew him well enough to know that asking him for something he couldn't give me would only serve to make him unhappy.

"Will you be able to sleep?" he asked. "I'm not going to come home and find you in the backyard, am I?" I could hear the amusement in his voice and I smiled, remembering my many sleepless nights back home.

I had trouble sleeping in extreme heat for as long as I could remember. My father always had a few fans set up in my room, but I also spent my share of nights on the back deck at the Cullen house, sleeping on a lounge chair, letting the breeze off of the ocean cool me enough so that I could rest. The first night Edward found me out there we were nine years old and he was afraid to leave me, so he brought us some pillows and a light blanket and joined me. Thinking back, I wasn't sure what a nine year old Edward could have done to protect me, but his instinct had been, and still was, to do whatever he could to stand between me and real or perceived danger.

"I think I'll stay in the house tonight," I said. "Besides, I'm pretty sure it's hotter outside than it is in the house. Do you have power where you are?" I asked.

"We have a back up generator that's running only essential equipment," he answered. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, undeterred by my attempt to change the subject. I could hear the trepidation in his voice and knew he felt guilty for not being home with me.

"I'm fine, Edward," I said with more confidence than I felt.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I wish..." He sighed without finishing his statement but I knew what he wished – it was the same thing I wanted, but what we couldn't have.

"I know. It won't always be like this," I assured him.

"I love you. I have to go." I could hear the sadness in his voice.

"I love you, too," I said before hanging up.

I got into bed soon after I got off the phone with Edward, wearing my thinnest nightgown and pushing the blankets to the end of the bed. I lay there, somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, when I heard Edward come in the room, place something on the night table and sit on the bed.

I turned to him, glad that he was home and could share my misery. He had brought a lit candle in the room and was smiling down at me, looking completely at ease in his uniform, as if the heat wasn't bothering him at all.

"How's my girl?"

I groaned in response.

He laughed softly at me. "I thought you would have trouble sleeping so I brought something home for you."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Sit up," he said quietly. I got up on my elbows and Edward helped me the rest of the way up. Suddenly, my nightgown was being pulled over my head and I was naked except for my underwear.

"Close your eyes," he said softly, but with a hint of command in his voice.

I did as he asked and waited, my eyes closed, laying on my back, sweat pooling between my breasts and under my back, anticipation building in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't imagine what he had brought for me.

I heard him rustling at the bedside and my body instinctively turned to his movements. "Keep those eyes closed," he said.

I felt my heartbeat quicken at the sound of his voice. It was soft and sensual and masculine and everything I found arousing about my husband. Not being able to see him just enhanced my appreciation for the way he sounded.

"Do you trust me, Bella?"

"Yes," I said, without hesitation.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt something wet and cold hit the bottom of my foot. I squealed and wrenched my foot away, but managed to keep my eyes closed.

"Good job keeping your eyes closed. Now hush and give your little foot back to me, please."

I tentatively straightened out my leg and brought it down to the end of the bed. I felt Edward's strong hand grasp my ankle, followed by the same wet cold feeling on the arch of my foot. I realized it was ice and I relaxed into it this time, immediately feeling the cold spread to the rest of my foot.

"Oh," I whispered.

I felt the ice encircle each of my toes, and then he ran it along the top of my foot. I felt water run down the sides and heard a small drop fall onto the bed. I gasped when I felt his soft, warm lips on my toe, such a contrast to the cold of the ice, but I didn't pull my foot away and I felt him smile against my foot at my reaction.

He picked up my other foot and circled ice around each toe and against the bottom and top of my foot and I shivered, but I wasn't sure it was from the ice anymore.

"Edward," I whispered, pleasure building in my body.

"Shhh," he said, running an ice cube up my calf and behind my knee. I groaned in response, from both the cool relief and Edward's hands. I wasn't sure which I was enjoying more.

"I thought about doing this back home, when we got older and you would fall asleep outside. I would look at you laying there and I would want so badly to touch you, to kiss you and to do something like this to ease your discomfort," he said softly, running the cube around my navel.

"You thought about me...like that?" I asked, my breath sounding shaky and breathy in my own ears. I was having trouble concentrating.

"Constantly," he said.

"But you– oh, God. Edward..." I felt cool water pool in my belly button and it was a strangely intense feeling, but it was nothing compared to the way Edward's tongue felt in that very spot. It make the ache between my legs infinitely more intense. His hair was tickling my stomach and I felt the roughness of his unshaven face as his tongue lapped at the moisture – it was like nothing I had ever felt before. I wanted to moan or cry out or continue my thought from before but I was rendered speechless by the feeling of his tongue on my body.

My body was on fire; there was nothing else except what Edward was doing to me. He left a trail of cool and wet wherever he touched, but my body felt hot, coiled, on edge and tense. I was trying so hard not to move, my hands flexing at my sides, longing to hold onto something. I was impossibly aroused and impatient for him to make love to me.

I so badly wanted to open my eyes but was also enjoying the sensory deprivation. The anticipation of where he was going to touch me next, the feeling of the ice and of Edward's hands and lips...and his voice, which sounded so masculine with a hint of command that I was sure I wouldn't have noticed had I not been so attuned to its sound.

I felt Edward's lips ghost over my ear and I inhaled deeply, wanting to be enveloped in his scent. "Are you okay?" he asked, all hardness gone from his voice. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No, no. Please don't stop."

I whimpered when his hands ran down to my hips and grasped the sides of my underwear, pulling them down my legs and completely off.

"You're beautiful," he said softly.

I bit my lip, feeling Edward's gaze on me even though my eyes were closed, but my attention was quickly diverted when I felt the cold hardness of another piece of ice, this time traveling up from my navel to between my breasts. My stomach muscles clenched and I felt my heartbeat quicken as he ran the cube around the outside of one breast and then the other. A soft moan escaped my lips; I was completely at Edward's mercy and my body was so sensitive to his every touch.

He continued to run the ice around my breasts and across my neck and down to my stomach, but it never touched my nipples or the spot between my legs. I was becoming slightly frustrated with his lack of attention to those areas of my body. I felt on edge and tense and I just wanted him to _touch_ me.

"Edward, please."

"Everything in its time, sweetheart," he said. "Trust me."

My groan of frustration quickly turned to one of desire as Edward's mouth made contact with my nipple. He had a piece of ice in his mouth, and the cold of the ice mixed with the heat of his mouth was maddening. He sucked lightly as his hand found my other breast, lightly running another piece of ice across my nipple.

The dueling feelings were almost too much for me to take and I felt a tightening in my pelvis as Edward's mouth and hand continued their relentless pace. My hand went to his hair and I ran my fingers through the silky, soft strands, my whole body a mass of sensation.

The ice that had been in his hand melted completely and his cold hand started to move down my body, leaving a trail of moisture as he went.

I finally opened my eyes and watched his hand descend between my legs and my thighs fell open of their own volition. I watched, fascinated, as his icy thumb touched me lightly, moving in a slow circle. When his cold finger entered me, it was all too much; the heat of the night, his scent all around me, his cold fingers, his mouth on my breast alternating between hot and cold, and watching his fingers as they moved on my body.

I tugged on his hair tightly and screamed his name as all the tension that had been building in my body finally released, seconds after his fingers touched me.

My release was so intense that I had trouble catching my breath after it was over and Edward held me tightly, rubbing soothing circles on my back and kissing my hair softly.

When my heart rate slowed I went to unbutton Edward's shirt but he gently took my hand from his chest and kissed it. "No, sweetheart. That was for you."

I looked up at him, slightly confused. "But...don't you want to?"

He kissed me softly. "Of course I want to. But it's hot and I just want you to be able to sleep." He got up from bed and stripped down to his boxers before climbing back into bed with me.

I put my head back on his chest and yawned. I _was_ tired.

"What did you mean before about wanting to do something like that when we were younger?" I asked. Edward was holding me close and running his fingers lightly up and down my arm, his back against the headboard.

I heard him laugh quietly. "Does it surprise you that I wanted you long before I told you?"

"Not as such," I said, looking up at him. "I'm just curious to know how long."

His ran his hand through his hair so it was sticking up in every direction and he mumbled something I couldn't hear.

"How long, Edward? I didn't hear you," I said, smiling up at him.

He took a deep breath and looked down at me. "I think I first noticed how pretty you were when we were fourteen. You would be sitting in class next to me and you would be concentrating so hard and I could see your wheels turning and...I don't know." He shrugged, smirking at me.

"You thought I was pretty?" I asked.

"I did," he said. "And I convinced myself that was the extent of it. Until the New Year's Eve when we were sixteen."

"You mentioned that in one of your letters. What happened that night? I'm sorry, but it didn't seem significant to me."

Edward looked embarrassed and his mouth turned up into a half smile. "It was the night I realized I was in love with you."

I pulled away and looked at his face, shocked. "You knew back then? When we were sixteen?"

He nodded and pulled me back to him so my head was once again resting on his chest. "You fell asleep before midnight, if you remember. You were laid out on the couch and Alice was asleep on the floor. There was a thunderstorm that night and it made you restless. I went to cover you with a blanket and you woke up, grabbed my hand, and asked me to stay with you. You practically pulled me onto the couch." Edward's hand was running up and down my arm as he was recounting his tale, and I felt my eyes fluttering closed at the soothing sound of his voice.

"I got on the couch behind you and put my arm around you, like I had done countless times before. But this felt different, somehow. It was like I couldn't get close enough to you and you were so pretty and you smelled so good and then..."

"And then?" I asked sleepily.

"And then you said my name. You were completely unguarded, talking in your sleep, and the way you said it made me feel like having you with me was everything I could ever want." He reached down and kissed the tip of my nose before gathering me up in his arms and gently laying me down on the bed. "That was when I knew I loved you."

"I had no idea you felt that way back then," I said, cupping his cheek as he hovered over me.

He shrugged. "I was good at hiding it. I would hole up in my room when you came over with Alice and try to avoid you at school."

"Why? Why not just tell me? I thought you hated me."

He smiled ruefully and gently moved the hair from my face. "I don't know. I was afraid. I didn't know if you wanted me and I didn't want things to get awkward if you didn't feel the same way. I mean, our families were so entwined and I would have hated it if you didn't come over anymore because of me. Then...I don't know...around your birthday last year, I just couldn't take it anymore. The thought that you might be with someone else consumed me and I acted like a fool by keeping other boys away from you but not telling you that I wanted you for myself." He shook his head and smiled. "Now I wish I had told you sooner."

He leaned down to kiss me lightly on the lips. "Go to sleep now," he said softly, laying down next to me and pulling me close.

"I wish you had told me sooner, too," I said, picking up his hand and kissing his palm before entwining my fingers with his. I drifted off into a happy, content sleep, Edward's arms wrapped protectively around me, my displeasure at the heat long forgotten.

When I woke up the next morning, the power was back on but Edward was gone and I didn't see him again for two full days.

When he was gone for an entire twenty four hours with no contact, I called his office and inquired as to his whereabouts. After being transferred around to 4 different divisions, I was finally told that he was there, but unavailable.

Knowing that he was fine and was where he was supposed to be eased my mind some, but not knowing when he was coming home made me feel anxious. I much preferred when he came home, even if he was distant and it was just to sleep. I never thought I would long for those few hours a day, but I did.

When he finally came home he looked as if he hadn't slept the entire time he was gone. He had deep circles under his eyes and his skin was pale. I ran to him and hugged him tightly when he came through the door and he practically collapsed in my arms, exhausted.

"I'm sorry I couldn't call," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"It's all right," I said, releasing him and taking his hand. "Let's get you upstairs."

He nodded and followed me up the stairs, falling into bed fully clothed when we got to our bedroom. I covered him with a blanket, closed the door and went downstairs, just happy that he was finally home, even if he was just upstairs sleeping.

It was a feeling I became used to as his erratic schedule not only returned, but sometimes kept him away from me for days at a time. I no longer lamented the fact that he was away, but instead appreciated and took comfort in his presence when he was with me. He was here, and if I only saw him for a few hours every two days, that was preferable to not seeing him at all. He was sweet and kind to me when we were together and I took care of him as well as I could, but I felt strangely disconnected from him, even when we were making love. I tried not to feel sad about it; I was better off than many women I knew whose husbands were thousands of miles from them, constantly in harm's way.

x-x-x

When she found out that my birthday was imminent, Rosalie quickly threw together a backyard party at her house. She invited some of Edward and Emmett's colleagues as well as some of the girls we knew from the Red Cross. I didn't want a fuss made but once Rose made up her mind, there was no stopping her. She did promise to do her best to keep attention off of me, starting with her vow that there would be no singing or candles on the cake for me to blow out in front of everyone.

My birthday fell on a Sunday and Edward would meet me at the party after he spent the morning at the office finishing up some work. I usually woke up every morning to see to Edward's breakfast and kiss him goodbye, but I woke up on my birthday to find Edward had left early. However, there was a single red rose waiting for me on the kitchen table, along with a note in Edward's neat script.

_My Dearest Bella,_

_I decided to leave early and didn't want to wake you.  
I'm sorry we can't spend the whole day together, but I __will__ see you later at Rose and Emmett's.  
Happy Birthday, sweetheart.  
I love you._

_Edward_

I went to Rose's early to help her out and to keep her company. I didn't want a fuss made, but I also didn't want to be alone on my birthday. We spent the morning setting up and preparing food and having a good time with each other. I truly enjoyed Rosalie's company and was thrilled that we had become such good friends.

People began showing up at around noon and Edward came soon after. I ran out to the car to greet him and he hugged me tightly.

"Happy birthday, Bella," he whispered, his lips ghosting over my neck. I felt my eyes slip closed and my knees go a little weak at the tone in his voice and the feel of his lips on me.

He let me go after a moment and smiled down at me, his thumb rubbing across my cheek. That was when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye.

James was standing next to us and cast his eyes down the minute I turned to him. I pulled away from Edward, not enjoying being watched, innocent though it may have been.

"Hello, James," I said.

James' eyes flicked quickly to Edward before he looked at me and smiled. "Hello, Bella. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

I smiled back at him, appreciating his thoughtfulness. "Thank you. Won't you come in and have a drink and something to eat?" I asked.

Again, his eyes flicked to Edward and I wondered if he was seeking permission. I turned to Edward, who had a hard look on his face, his jaw clenched. I wasn't sure if he had a problem with James but I saw no harm in inviting a nice man and colleague of Edward's to my party.

"Thank you, ma'am, but I think I should be going," James said.

"Do you have somewhere else you need to be?" I asked.

"No, ma'am but–"

"No buts, and stop with that ma'am business. Come inside with us, we'd love to have you." I turned to Edward, who was staring at James. "Wouldn't we, Edward?"

Edward's eyes turned to me and he smiled tightly. "Of course. I'm sure Ensign Reynolds has time for at least one drink."

"Good, it's settled then." I took Edward's hand and led him inside, James following behind us. There were some single girls from the Red Cross and I fancied myself a matchmaker.

We spent a good part of the afternoon making introductions and milling about, enjoying the sunshine and friendly atmosphere. I met so many new people, drank a beer and laughed at Emmett's endless stream of Hitler and Mussolini jokes. I convinced James to stay for more than one drink and introduced him to some of the single girls who were there. I was having such a good time and I thought it was probably the best birthday I had ever had; I could almost forget that there was a war going on. Rosalie had really outdone herself, and I was so grateful that she had gone out of her way to make my day special.

As evening set in, we were running out of glasses so I decided to help Rose by washing some in the kitchen. As I looked up from the sink and through the kitchen window, I saw Edward talking to a woman in a corner of the yard. She was taller than me and had long blond hair that hung down her neck. She was smiling and pretty and I felt my mouth go dry when I saw the way she was looking at him.

I watched as she touched his arm and laughed at something he said, batting her eyelashes at him. Anger warred with despondence as I stood rooted in place, watching the scene before me unfold.

I saw him smile at her and whisper something in her ear, as if they were sharing a secret. I felt tears build in my eyes, but I couldn't turn away. Edward rarely laughed with me anymore, but as I watched, it seemed to come easily to him with a woman who wasn't me.

They continued their conversation, smiling at each other and standing close together until I felt like I was going to be sick.

I felt a light touch on my arm and turned to its source.

James.

"Bella, why are you crying?" he asked.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to put a smile on my face, but to no avail. My husband was enjoying the company of another woman on my birthday, in public. She was someone I had been introduced to when she arrived; her name was Jane and she worked at Naval Intelligence. Perhaps she was someone he could discuss his work with. Perhaps he did. And if they shared that, what else did they share? I felt like these thoughts were more than I could handle and I just wanted my brain to shut off so I could forget what I had seen.

I turned to him and shook my head. "I'm all right. I'm just not feeling well. I think I'll go find the powder room and freshen up." I tried to smile again but failed miserably.

I turned to leave but James grabbed my elbow lightly and looked at me before I could get away. "Bella, something is obviously bothering you. Would you like me to go find Edward?"

When he said Edward's name I tensed up and shook my head, my eyes flying to the scene out the window and then back. I didn't want to look anymore. James looked at me closely, a bewildered look on his face, before he looked out the window himself and spotted Edward. I heard his sharp intake of breath and bowed my head, embarrassed that my husband was making a spectacle of himself.

James put his hand on my elbow again and whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry, Bella. Maybe it's not what it seems. She's a secretary over at Intelligence. It's probably nothing."

I wanted to go over there, to tell this woman to take her hands off of my husband, that he was _mine_, but what if he wanted her? What if she gave him something I couldn't...or wouldn't?

I felt James grab my hand and squeeze. I looked up at him and said, "I know it's nothing. I don't know what's wrong with me." I finally smiled, not wanting to embarrass myself any further.

"You're a good wife, Bella. Anyone can see that," he said, returning my smile.

"Take your hand off of my wife," I heard Edward say, making no effort to hide the anger in his voice.

My head snapped up and James released my hand. I saw Edward step closer to James, his face a mask of fury.

"You don't ever touch what's mine, do you understand? I don't care where we are or what we're doing, my wife is off limits to you."

I saw James straighten his spine and look at Edward as if he wanted to say something, but he remained silent.

"You have something you want to say, Ensign?" Edward asked, as furious as I had ever seen him.

"No, Sir," James said quietly, recoiling under Edward's stare.

"Edward," I interrupted. "I want to go home."

He dragged his eyes away from James as if he was noticing me for the first time. His face went from incensed to surprised as he took in the look on my face and the wetness on my cheeks.

James was forgotten as he reached for me. "Bella?"

"I want to go home. Please."

"Did he hurt you?" he asked, his eyes flicking over to James.

"No! Of course not. _He _didn't do anything wrong."

He nodded his head, seemingly having no idea what had made me upset and missing the emphasis in my words. With one last withering look at James, he put his arm around me and led me outside. I found Rosalie and apologized for leaving, but after seeing the look on my face, she hugged me tightly and promised to come over in the morning. I walked in silence the whole way home, wallowing in my own self doubt and misery, grabbing my hand away when Edward tried to hold it.

As soon as we got inside the house, Edward turned to me and said, "What was that all about?"

He sounded angry and I was momentarily bewildered before I found my voice. "Are you serious? You're angry with me?" I could barely believe what I was hearing.

"Damn right I am. How could you let him touch you like that? What were you thinking?" He was practically yelling at me but I doubted his anger could match mine at that moment.

"How could I–" I took a deep breath, willing myself to speak rationally. "You were ignoring me, spending time with another woman for everyone to see, on my birthday, and you're angry with _me_? At least someone wanted my company!"

Edward opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. He took another moment before speaking. "I wasn't ignoring you," he said softly, confusion clear in his voice. "Those were colleagues and we were just talking."

I crossed my arms over my chest, still angry, despite the softness of his tone. "You were talking and laughing with a woman, alone, in the corner of the yard, while I was in the house. How else was I supposed to feel? James saw that I was upset and was trying to comfort me."

"Don't–" he said through clenched teeth. "I don't want him near you. I'm your husband and I expect you to abide by my wishes."

I was momentarily stunned into silence. I was positively seething and couldn't ever remember being this angry.

When I found my voice I said, "If you want the respect of a husband, then start acting like one!" I yelled. "Until then, don't you dare tell me what to do!"

I turned on my heel and ran up the stairs, slamming the bedroom door behind me. I threw myself on the bed and cried in earnest, both for what happened and because my husband didn't seem to understand me. After my father, if anyone understood me, it was Edward. I rarely ever had to explain to him how I felt, he always just seemed to know. But now...now we were struggling through a marriage that should have been effortless.

It was much later when I felt the mattress dip as Edward joined me in bed.

My back was to him and I felt his hand ghost across my hair before he sighed deeply and dropped it heavily on the mattress.

"I may not do everything right, but I've only ever wanted you."

I sniffed, not knowing how to answer him and feeling the return of the tears that I had finally gotten under control only moments before.

"Please don't cry. I hate that I made you cry." He paused and was met with silence. "Please, Bella. Talk to me."

"I don't know what to say to you."

"Say that you still love me. That we can talk about this and that we can move past it."

"_Now_ you want to talk?" I scoffed. "I can't do this anymore."

"Please," he said, his voice low and sad. "I can't...I know I don't talk to you as much as you'd like, but you have to know...Bella, I couldn't do this without you. Don't you remember when I asked you to marry me and I said that I _needed_ to know that you were waiting for me? The prospect of my life without you is so bleak."

That was when I finally understood the depths of his despair. He actually thought I might leave him.

I turned over and saw him sitting with his back against the headboard, a single tear running down his cheek. As much crying as I had done and as angry with him as I was, the sight of that tear broke me.

I flew over to him and into his lap, wrapping my arms and legs around him. He held me tightly as he choked back a sob. "Please don't leave me."

My breath hitched at the anguish and despair in his voice and I held him tighter. "I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I promise."

I felt him relax in my arms and we held each other for a long time before I pulled away. I wiped his cheeks and ran my hands through his hair, trying to soothe away his fears.

"Do you understand why I felt the way I did?" I asked.

"Honestly, no," he said sincerely.

"We haven't had the opportunity to spend any time together in weeks and when we finally do, you spend it with someone else. You may not want her but it doesn't feel like you want me either. We're practically strangers."

"How can you say that? I love you so much."

"I know you do and I love you too. That's almost beside the point. How can you not see how distant we are? We talked more when we were friends living in separate houses."

"You know I can't talk about my wo–"

"I know that! That's not what I mean," I said, frustrated. "The only time I ever feel close to you is when we're in bed together and even then I feel like your mind is somewhere else."

"I'm sorry," he said, despondent.

"I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to be my husband and my best friend again. I want you to talk to me and care about what I have to say. I want you to desire my company and make more of an effort in our marriage. I see that what you do is effecting you deeply, but instead of seeking comfort in me, you turn inward. You don't have to tell me what's bothering you, but you can let me comfort you and take some of your burden. I think that's what marriage is about."

He took my face in his hands and rested his forehead on mine. "I love you so much, Bella. I'm trying to be the man you need me to be." He took his hands from me and ran them through his hair, pulling gently at the strands.

"Stop trying, Edward. For as far back as my memory goes, you've always just known what I needed, without having to try at all. What happened to the boy who threw his arm around me in the storm and could calm me by simply holding my hand? Or the boy who would come to me and put his head in my lap and tell me all the things that were making him sad?"

"I'm still me, Bella. I love you more than I ever have and I'm sorry I'm a failure as a husband."

"You're not a failure," I said, grabbing the hair at the back of his neck and looking straight into his eyes. "Neither one of us has been forthright these past few months. I can't put it all on you."

"I know you've been unhappy, but I thought...I was afraid that if we talked about it you would tell me that you wanted to go home. It's a sorry excuse, I know, but I didn't want you to leave me."

"How could...Edward, I'm not going anywhere. How could you think I would leave you?" I asked, bewildered. "How could you not know? I'm lost without you. I have nothing if you're not here. For better or for worse, Edward. Isn't that what we vowed?"

He looked at me for a long moment before saying, "This isn't how I thought it would be. All the times I thought of us being married and living together...it wasn't like this."

"Me either, but this is what we have. It could be so much worse. You could be thousands of miles away from me right now. Let's make the best of it."

He nodded his head and ran a hand through my hair. "You're right. I'm sorry about tonight. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel ignored, especially on your birthday."

"I know you didn't. I'm sorry if I over reacted. I'll try to do better." I kissed him softly on the mouth and he responded eagerly, slipping his tongue into my mouth and running his hands gently across my back.

"Can I give you your birthday gift now?" he asked after our lips parted, smiling at me and rubbing his thumb across my cheek.

I smiled back and nodded my head, eager to see what he had gotten me.

He left the room and came back a minute later with a small wrapped box, an expertly tied bow resting on top. He handed it to me and sat across from me on the bed, rubbing his hand nervously up and down his leg.

"Open it," he said softly.

I bit my lip and started disassembling the pretty bow and wrapping paper. I opened the box, revealing a silver charm bracelet nestled in white satin. Removing it, I cradled it in my palm, amazed at it's weight. Delicately hanging from the metal was a matching heart shaped charm, engraved with one word.

_Always  
_  
I looked up at him, the bracelet still in my hand and tears in my eyes.

"Do you like it?" he asked, apprehension in his voice.

I threw my arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I love it. I love you. Thank you."

He hugged me back and let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God."

He pulled away from me and took the bracelet, unclasping it and putting it around my wrist. "There's something I need to tell you about the charm...it's our rings," he said.

"Our rings?" I asked, looking at my hand.

"The ones we gave each other when we were seven," he said, taking my hand and rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. "I had the jeweler melt them down to make the charm. Do you mind?"

"Not at all," I said, overwhelmed at his thoughtfulness. "This is what I'm talking about. This is you knowing exactly how to love me. We may not be perfect, Edward, but you know me better than anyone and we belong to each other."

He nodded and took me in his arms, holding me tightly. "That's all I've ever wanted – to love you and make you happy."

"You do, Edward. Always."

* * *

**Much gratitude, as always, to Lucette21, kick-ass beta extraordinaire. I've entered her name for consideration for canonization. She should be sainted for having to put up with my insane emails alone, not to mention the chats and tweets.**

**Thanks go out to Daisy 3853 and ninapolitan for their help with this chapter.**

**I foreshadowed Bella's inability to sleep in extreme heat back in chapter 6 - except the scene got cut and I never found a good place to put it. It's a short flashback to when Edward and Bella were children. If you want to see it, mention it in your review or PM me and I'll send it to you. I'll also post it on my Twilighted thread some time this week. It's raw and unbeta'd but it's a cute glimpse of their younger years.**

**Thank you to all of me readers and reviewers. Your thoughts and insights make this a better story and I'm grateful when you take the time to share them with me.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Thank you, as always, to Lucette21. This story, and especially this chapter, wouldn't be here without her. She kicks me in the ass when necessary, and I needed a huge one for this chapter. Also, thanks to SR and LTR for their help with this chapter. Apparently, not only do I like varied opinion, but also people who go by initials.**

**I'd like to give a special shout out to Jilly90 and her grandmother. Yes, her grandmother. I'm beyond honored that you read and enjoy my story. I only hope that I'm doing the time period justice and treating it with the respect it deserves.**

**A special note of thanks to all of my readers who have military experience and who are military spouses. Your assurances that I'm getting it right eases my mind on a daily basis.**

**To every reader and reviewer, I can't thank you enough for sticking with me and for your continued interest.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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I woke up the day after my birthday to find Edward staring down at me, his eyes bright, a smile on his face.

I looked back up at him as he leaned down to kiss me, his hand cupping my face.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you, too," I replied, smiling.

"I'm sorry again about yesterday," he said, suddenly looking somber, his thumb running across my cheekbone.

"Me, too," I said, reaching up to run my fingers through his hair. "I think we both need to do better."

"We do. It's just hard sometimes...I want to talk to you more than anything. But I want..." he broke off, seemingly at a loss for words. He searched my face for a moment before continuing. "I don't want to burden you. I'm your husband and I want to be strong for you."

"You are strong, but I want every part of you, Edward. You've always told me the things that made you unhappy. Would it make it easier if you put your head in my lap? We could pretend we're eight again if that makes you feel better," I teased, sitting up with my back against the headboard.

He laughed softly. "Maybe." He laid back down on the bed with a sigh and ran his hand through his hair almost violently, pulling at the strands. "I don't want this for you. I want your life to be easy and happy but I'm not sure how to provide that for you."

"Maybe you should start by letting me have a say in what makes me happy. Because right now the thing that's making me unhappy is being distant from you."

He turned to his side and looked at me before leaning down and putting his head in my lap, his face turned away from me.

He told me that he wanted to be with me more, that he felt over-worked and as if some of what they had him doing might not be as important as some of the projects he had worked on in the past. He told me that he never felt rested enough and wanted to be able to be a more consistent presence in my life. He told me, haltingly, that some days he wished that the Navy would just let him go fight so he could actually see the difference he was making, and that if it wasn't for me, he would have asked to be sent overseas long ago.

I ran my hands through his hair and tried to soothe away his fears and frustrations, wanting to offer him any comfort I could. We stayed that way until Edward had to get up and get ready for his day. He told me more about how he was feeling that morning than in the eight months we'd been married.

Ultimately, the disaster that was my birthday turned out to be a positive step for my marriage to Edward. Our time together was usually short, but I felt closer to him than I had since our honeymoon. He was talking to me on a regular basis and he seemed more relaxed; we laughed frequently and he appeared to be sleeping better. While nothing he told me was specific, he seemed to stand taller, as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

For the first time in a long time, I thought that maybe marriage didn't have to be so difficult after all.

x-x-x

Just before Thanksgiving, Edward was gone for almost four full days. He had never been away from me for so long and as the third day without contact dawned, I tried not to panic, but I was only marginally successful. I called Edward's office, but they wouldn't give me a straight answer as to his whereabouts. I called Rosalie to see if Emmett had any information, but he was as secretive as Edward.

I tried my best to keep busy, to try to distract myself from his absence, but it was never far from my mind. During my fourth night without him, I paced the floors until the early morning hours, trying to decide what to do, knowing I needed to take some action the next day. A myriad of ideas ran through my head, from calling Carlisle to demanding answers from Emmett. After ultimately resolving to walk to the office the next morning and inquire about Edward in person, I laid down on the couch in the living room, exhausted. It couldn't have been much later when I heard the front door open, followed quickly by shoes pounding up the stairs. I sat up, wanting to find Edward, but I was still groggy and half asleep and couldn't make myself move.

"Bella!" I heard him yell, his voice frantic. As he was coming back down the stairs, I stood up from the couch to go to him.

"Bella! No, no, no. Please, no. Bella!"

"Edward, I'm here," I called, finally waking up fully at the distraught tone in his voice.

He was in front of me in an instant. "Bella, Bella, you're here." He hugged me so tightly it almost hurt, but I didn't pull away.

"Of course, Edward. What's wrong?" He pulled away from me, looking overwrought and anxious. He was touching me everywhere, his eyes searching me, anxiety coming off of him in waves. I took him in then, and was troubled by what I saw. He had large purple shadows under his eyes, his face was pale but made dark with rough stubble, and his clothes were rumpled and stained.

"You're here. You didn't leave me. Please don't leave me." His voice was sad and desperate and I was beginning to feel some of his anxiety.

His left hand slipped to my neck while his right hand came to rest over my heart. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, seemingly lost in his thoughts.

"Edward, look at me!" His eyes met mine, a look of confusion crossing his face. "I'm here Edward, nothing has happened to me."

I put my arms around him and I held him close. He buried his head in my neck and sighed deeply, his hand still on my heart.

"I need you. Oh, God, Bella, I need you so much. I'll always protect you, I promise." I wanted to ask him what he needed to protect me from but I was stopped by his lips on mine. I could feel his hands shaking as they ran across my back and through my hair, finally resting on my hips, pulling me closer to him.

His movements seemed desperate and he appeared to be getting more agitated instead of calming down. I wondered what on earth had happened to him while he was gone, but knew better than to ask.

He kissed my lips roughly as his hand found my breast. He gently massaged my nipple with his thumb and despite his odd behavior, I couldn't help but respond to his lips and his hands. He always knew what made me feel good.

"Edward," I said, pulling away and putting my hands on his face.

He looked at me but his eyes seemed clouded, as if he wasn't really seeing me.

"Edward, please look at me. Are you okay?"

He nodded and took my hand gently from his cheek, lightly kissing my palm as he closed his eyes. When he opened his eyes again they were on fire, all traces of his trance-like state gone. He pulled me roughly to him and grabbed my face in his hands, parting my lips with his, kissing me with abandon.

He led me towards the couch as he unbuttoned his pants, his lips never leaving mine. Once his pants and boxers were off he reached out for me and grabbed the bottom of my nightgown. I was shocked but not nervous; this was Edward and he would never hurt me.

"Bella, I need you. I need to feel you. Please." Even in his agitated state, he was seeking my permission.

I nodded and the next thing I knew, my nightgown was up around my waist and my legs were hanging off the end of the couch, Edward kneeling in front of me.

Edward's head was buried in my neck as he grabbed my leg and hitched it over his arm, slipping easily inside me. I groaned loudly, overwhelmed by the position we were in and the feel of him inside me.

"Oh, Bella...I need you so much...please...don't ever leave me...I love you." The desperation returned to his voice as he kissed my neck and moved inside me. He grabbed my hips so tightly that I winced in pain, but said nothing. He clearly wasn't thinking about what he was doing like he usually did; he was completely unrestrained in his movements. I was stunned by the feeling that was coursing through my body; I was tingling everywhere from my hips to my back, my thighs and my chest. The feelings of pleasure were so intense I felt my toes curl as I moved with him.

He whimpered into my neck and chanted my name as his movements sped. I somehow found my voice, knowing it would help him to hear me. "I'll never leave you, Edward...it's okay...I love you."

I felt a familiar tension begin to build, but it had never been this intense, and never just from Edward being inside me. It was like fire coiling low in my stomach and in my legs, ready to explode. The pleasure was so pronounced throughout my whole body; I felt like I was on the edge of something beyond anything I had ever experienced before.

"Edward...please..."

He continued to whisper my name into my neck as he moved impossibly faster and harder inside me. "Bella, Bella, Bella...come on, my Bella. Let go for me." The sound of his voice coupled with the words he used caused the tightness in the pit of my stomach to explode and I felt my whole body stiffen before wave after wave of pleasure washed over me and I saw stars behind my eyes as they slipped closed.

I thought Edward would be right behind me, but he just kept up his hard, intense movements, hands on my hips, chanting my name. I was almost incoherent as I felt the tightness begin again, disbelieving that it could be happening a second time.

"I'm going to...Edward....oh my God..." My second orgasm crashed through me as Edward gently kissed my lips. I moaned into his mouth as I shook, wrapping my arms around him.

"Bella. Oh, please, Bella..." Edward said, his forehead touching mine, pleading in his voice.

I remembered how hearing him talk to me had made me feel, so I pulled him close, pushed aside the slight trepidation I felt, and whispered in his ear, "I love you. I love the way you make me feel. I want you to feel good."

With a strangled groan in my neck, he released into me and held me tightly, his lips on my neck. He lay with his head on my chest for a few moments before lifting his eyes to look at me.

"Bella..." He looked like a guilty child, and I was having none of it.

"No, Edward. Don't you dare." He nodded slightly and rested his head on my chest again momentarily before lifting it and getting up. He held his hand out to me and helped me stand before finding and putting on his boxers. My muscles were already crying out from the strain and I knew they would feel worse in the morning.

"Can you talk about it?" I asked, straightening my nightgown. I knew the answer even before he shook his head, but I had to ask. Something serious happened, and my husband was clearly in a dark place, but if he couldn't talk to me about it, I had little idea of how to help him.

He looked slightly dazed, so I took his hand and led him upstairs. He sat on the bathroom floor with his knees pulled up to his chest while I ran a bath for him, neither of us saying anything. He undressed and I eased him into the bath. He sighed as he slipped into the water and looked up at me.

"Join me?" He looked so hopeful, I couldn't find it in my heart to deny him. I pulled my nightgown over my head and dropped it to the floor before stepping into the tub, leaning my back against his chest. Edward wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. His sigh was long and sad, and it made my heart clench. What the hell were they doing to him?

He kissed my shoulder gently. "I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you."

I turned my head to the side and kissed him lightly on the lips. "You'll never have to find out."

"I want to enjoy every minute we have together," he said, taking a washcloth and some soap and slowly washing my body, taking extra time to rub and soothe my aching shoulders and back. It was our first bath together and I enjoyed the feeling of leaning against his chest and the small kisses he placed on my neck and shoulders.

After he helped me out of the water some time later, he took a large, fluffy towel and dried me thoroughly before drying himself. He wrapped me in the towel, took my hand, and led me silently to our bedroom where he gently sat me on the bed.

He knelt before me and reached his hands up to cup my cheeks before his thumbs ghosted under my eyes. Still, he said nothing, just looked at me with nothing but love in his shadowed eyes.

He reached up to kiss me; a sweet, tender kiss that made my stomach flip. The emotion behind it took my breath away.

Our kiss deepened as he slowly moved me until I was resting on my back in the middle of the bed, with him above me. His kisses had none of the desperation they had earlier. These kisses were slow and tender and full of love and promise. He was hard against my thigh and I felt a familiar ache between my legs, despite what we had done earlier. Finally, he spoke.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I never want to hurt you. Did I hurt you?" He looked scared, and I hated that we were ever in a situation where he had to feel that way.

I reached up to stroke his cheek. "No, Edward, you didn't hurt me. I don't think you ever could." His features loosened a bit and I felt his body relax. He kissed my forehead as I said, "I love you, Edward. Make love to me."

He whimpered into my neck and held me close, his body so warm against mine. "Bella. You are everything," he said, slipping inside me with little resistance, despite the fact that I felt a slight soreness from our earlier lovemaking.

Edward moved us into a sitting position, with me straddling his lap, and we slowly rocked our hips together. This was new for us and a little awkward, but it felt good and I didn't want to stop. Edward buried his head in my neck and I dropped my forehead to his shoulder. He kissed up and down the side of my neck as his hands found their way to my breasts and his thumbs gently caressed my already hardened nipples. I moaned at the sensation as he whispered in my ear, "I would never hurt you. I'll always keep you safe."

I could barely speak for the pleasure coursing through my body, but I knew my husband; he needed reassurance. "I know you will." I took his head in my hands as our foreheads met. "I love you. Always."

I don't know how long we continued to rock together while we kissed and held and stroked each other. My orgasm built so slowly that it took me completely by surprise.

"Oh, Edward..." A slow warmth spread throughout my body and I moaned deeply into Edward's neck, clutching tightly to him. He followed right after me, shaking with the force of his climax.

Edward held me close and kissed my lips softly before slowly letting me go me and laying me down on the bed. He crawled in behind me and put his arm around me, holding me close.

I woke up early the next morning, exhausted, my aching muscles crying out. I looked over at Edward; he was in a deep sleep and I refused to wake him. He had been through enough and if the Navy wanted him today, they could come and get him.

I got out of bed and went about my day; breakfast, cup after cup of coffee, laundry and a run to the post office. When I got back it was after noon and I crept quietly up to the bedroom. Edward was still in bed, but awake, looking up at the ceiling, a blank expression on his face. He turned when I walked in and smiled when he saw me.

"Hey, sleepyhead." I walked over to the bed, sat on the edge, and ran my fingers through Edward's hair. He looked so much better than he had last night, even though he still had dark circles under his eyes.

He groaned in pleasure and said, "Good morning." He moved his head so it was in my lap as I continued to stroke his hair. "Is it very late?"

"About noon. How do you feel?" He buried his head in my lap and yawned.

"Tired." He looked up at me, sincerity etched in his features. "Bella, I need to know...about last night...are you angry with me?"

I sighed, wondering what else I could have done to assuage his guilt. I stroked his hair, his neck, his cheek before turning his head so he was looking at me. "Edward, I'm not angry. I love you. Please stop this." His eyes softened as he moved his head to bury it in my lap again and snake his arms around my waist. He took a deep breath and looked back up at me, his eyes glistening with moisture.

"I don't know why I deserve you. I love you so much," he sighed. I kissed him on the lips and continued to run my fingers through his hair, hoping to relax him.

"How do you feel today?" he asked. I looked at him briefly before deciding to be honest.

"Tired and a little sore."

He looked at me for a long minute before he sat up and took my hand. "Come and lay with me. Let's sleep. I always sleep better when you're next to me."

I nodded my head; I _was_ tired. I got up and unbuttoned my dress. Edward knelt on the bed, helping me pull it over my head. I slipped off my garters and underwear and turned to get a nightgown when I heard him gasp behind me.

I turned to him and his face was ashen. "What is it?" I asked, startled at the look of abject horror on his face.

I walked back over to him but he said nothing. He was still on his knees on the bed, looking down at me and I followed his gaze to my hips, where his hands were ghosting over the purple, finger-shaped marks that had sprung up overnight. He matched his hands to the marks and pulled them away quickly, as if he had been burned. I had noticed them in the morning when I dressed, but had forgotten they were there. I looked down and saw that the bruises were much darker than they had been earlier.

He looked up at me, horrified. "Bella...I didn't mean...I'm so sorry," he whispered. He tugged violently at his hair as he stared at my hips.

He was shaking as I took him in my arms, his arms around my waist, his head on my chest. "It's all right, Edward. I know you didn't mean it. It was an accident. It doesn't really hurt."

He looked up at me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "It doesn't hurt? How can you say that? Look what I did to you. How can you even want me to touch you?"

He tried to pull away but I held fast to his shoulders and buried his face in my chest again. "I let you touch me because you're my husband and your touch has been loving and gentle since I've known you." I put my hands on his cheeks and lifted his face until he was looking at me. "It was an accident. I had already forgotten about it before you even noticed it. Forgive yourself, please. Besides, I didn't feel it at the time," I said, blushing fiercely. "My mind was on other things." I leaned down and kissed him, running my hands through his hair. "I'm going to get in my nightgown and come to bed. Enough. Okay?"

He nodded his head slightly and I let him go, got dressed and slid into bed next to him. I rested my head on his chest and he let out a long breath as his hands moved to my hair. He kissed me on the top of my head, and that was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in the dark with Edward gone.

I padded downstairs in my nightclothes, noting that it was a little past six o'clock in the evening and wondering if Edward was home.

I found him in the kitchen drinking a glass of scotch with that same blank expression on his face that he had been wearing earlier. His eyes were lifeless and his mouth was a grim line.

"Hi," I said softly, still standing in the doorway.

His face immediately transformed when he looked at me. His eyes were shining and he smiled at me as he got up to embrace me.

"Did you sleep?" he asked.

I nodded into his chest, so happy that he was still home and smiling. I looked up at him and he ran his thumb across my cheekbone before kissing me lightly on the mouth.

"I want to take you out tonight. It's not too cold for us to walk into town for dinner. Would you like that?" He looked so hopeful and happy and it was almost like my Edward was back.

"I would love that," I said. "Let me go get dressed."

Thirty minutes later we were ready to leave the house when Edward pulled me into his den. Everything was neat and studiously arranged and I wondered how he had the time to be so organized.

"I want to show you something," he said, gesturing me over to his desk. He opened the top drawer and pulled out a large black folio, opening it for me to see. It was a check register.

"This is where I keep the checks and note all of our bank transactions. Our account numbers are here, along with blank checks and previous financial statements."

I cocked my head to the side, wondering why he was showing this to me now. I felt that familiar unease settle in my stomach and I looked up at him, my unasked question floating in the air.

"I just think you need to know where to find these things. I was gone for a few days and had there been an emergency, you wouldn't have known where to look." He smiled at me, easing me somewhat. He was right, after all. "We can go over how I pay our bills when we have some free time over the weekend."

I nodded, happy that he wanted me to be prepared, but a little concerned as to why he was showing this to me now. I wanted to ask but I trusted him to tell me when the time was right, especially since we had been communicating so well of late.

We walked hand in hand to the restaurant and shared a bottle of wine with dinner. We laughed at old childhood reminiscences, held hands under the table and Edward even kissed me a few times across the table. He fed me dessert and held me close on the way home so I wouldn't be cold. It was honestly the most fun I had with Edward in recent memory.

We made love again that night, slowly undressing each other and taking our time touching and kissing and whispering words of love. We held each other afterward and talked about what we wanted to do after the war. We discussed the possibility of me going to college and Edward confessed to me that he was seriously rethinking medical school. We talked about how many children we wanted to have and where we wanted to live once we could decide for ourselves. I drifted off to sleep wrapped up in the boy I loved, secure in our future, believing that everything would work out as it should.

When I woke up the next morning, Edward was gone, which wasn't surprising. We had been up late and I was sure he tried not to wake me when he got up.

I showered and dressed, ate my breakfast and drank my coffee. Just as I was about to start cleaning the breakfast dishes, I heard the front door open. I raced out into the foyer to find Edward, looking agitated, with Emmett standing behind him, all humor gone from his face.

"What is it, Edward?" I asked, my heartbeat accelerating wildly. He was pale and his eyes still had purple shadows under them, which probably meant that he had been called in last night and hadn't slept at all. His hands were shaking and I had never seen him so distraught.

He looked quickly back at Emmett before grabbing my wrist and pulling me into the living room. Emmett followed us but stayed in the doorway watching and I was quickly becoming unnerved.

"Edward, please. What's going on?"

Edward's eyes searched mine before he blurted out, "I have to leave." His voice sounded raspy and deep, as if from overuse.

"What do you mean you have to leave?" His eyes were beseeching me to understand, but I wasn't sure what was happening and my stomach was churning and I felt like I was going to be sick.

Edward's eyes flicked up to where Emmett was standing before he looked at me again. "I'm being deployed." He held my hands painfully tightly as he continued to look at me. "I mean..." He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, but never finished his sentence.

"I don't understand," I said loudly. "Where are you going?"

"I'm not sure where," he said, agonized. "I don't know when I'll be back. I'm going to–"

"Edward," I heard Emmett say, a warning in his voice.

Edward looked at him over my head. "I wasn't going to say anything," he said through clenched teeth.

He gazed back down at me, looking completely lost.

"I have to go. I probably won't be able to write or get you any information about where I'll be."

I felt my knees go weak and tears spring to my eyes. My stomach was in knots and the room felt like it was spinning. I vaguely felt Edward holding me up as he ran a hand across my forehead and into my hair before cupping my cheek.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I have no choice. They wouldn't usually send a married ma–"

"Lieutenant!" I heard Emmett yell.

"Damn it, Emmett. This is my wife!"

My vision was a little cloudy but I could see Edward's face in front of me, a tear running down his cheek. He was holding me, his hand on my face. I wanted to say something. I wanted to know what he meant. I wanted to ask why now and what would happen to me while he was gone, but nothing would come out except a strangled sob.

He wrapped his arms around me and whispered fiercely in my ear. "I _am _coming home to you. Do you hear me? There is nothing that will keep me from you, Bella. I will be home. You wait for me."

He released me but put his hands on my cheeks, cupping my face in his large, soft hands. He kissed me softly but urgently and I tasted both of our tears on my lips. "I love you so much, Bella," he said. "Please tell me that you believe me, that you know I'm going to come home to you," he said, his thumbs rubbing under my eyes, his lips still on mine, shaking.

I nodded my head, overwhelmed by this turn of events. "You can't write me? I don't understand..." My voice sounded weak and strained and foreign in my ears.

"No, sweetheart. I...shit. I'm so sorry. I didn't think it would happen so soon," he said, sounding frustrated. "I don't know when I'll be home. I don't know exactly where I'm going but I couldn't even tell you if I did know."

"Now, Edward. We shouldn't even be here." I heard Emmett's voice, but he sounded like he was underwater.

"I can't leave her like this, Emmett. She needs me. What if–" He held me close and I silently prayed that Emmett would listen and not take Edward away from me. I inhaled deeply and wound my arms around him, wanting to imprint his smell and the feel of his body onto my senses.

"Rosalie will be here in a few minutes, Edward. I told you, we'll take care of her. I promise."

"Hell, I can't do this," he sobbed into my neck, holding me so tightly it was almost painful. But I didn't want to let him go and I held onto him with everything I had. The truth came crashing down on me like a wave and I felt like I was drowning – Edward was leaving me. A sob escaped my throat and I held him impossibly tighter, knowing that when I let him go, he would walk out that door and leave me utterly and completely alone.

"Please don't do this," I whispered in his ear before a another sob escaped my throat. "Please. Don't leave me all alone."

"I don't want to leave you," he said. I felt his lips on my neck as he spoke. "I don't have a choice."

"Now, Lieutenant!" I heard Emmett shout.

Edward pulled away from me but still held my upper arms in his hands. He swiftly, but softly, kissed me on the lips.

"I'm so sorry. I love you. Please be safe."

With one last lingering kiss on my lips, he let me go and he and Emmett left quickly through the front door.

With Edward no longer there to hold me up, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor before everything in my world went dark.

* * *

**Before I go into hiding, I want to remind you that this is war. This is not a gratuitous plot device designed to create drama. It's been planned from the beginning and was not atypical for the time, especially given Edward's unique situation.  
**

**Stick with me, I promise I'm going somewhere with this. **

**I wanted to let you all know about this amazing thing that MsKathy is putting together. Donate at least $5.00 to a charity of your choice to aid disaster recovery efforts in Haiti, and she will deliver a file loaded with one shots, outtakes and drabbles from some of your favorite authors. There are over 200 signed up at this point, including me. I'll be contributing an outtake from Finding Home. It will be the incident when Edward and Bella were 12 that caused Bella to send her ring back. This will only be available to donors and won't be posted on ff or Twilighted.**

**You can find out more about it here:**

**http://mskathyff (dot) blogspot (dot) com/**

**One last thing, all of the previous EPOV outtakes can now be found in my profile under the heading **_**Finding Liberty.**_


	16. Chapter 16

**Your support after the last chapter warmed my heart. Truly. I know it was hard to see Edward go, but the majority of you understood exactly why it needed to happen and seem to be trusting me to take this in the right direction. Thank you. I'll do my best to make it worth your while.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
**

* * *

I woke up just as I did every day, surrounded by soft sheets and the smell of Edward. I felt unsettled, although I wasn't sure why, so I reached out my hand for Edward, seeking his warmth to soothe me. I felt groggy and my head hurt and I wanted the comfort of my husband, but my hand came up empty.

I sat up quickly, a loud gasp escaping my throat as the truth of Edward's departure hit me full force. I ran from the room and down the stairs, hoping against hope that it was all a dream, that I would find Edward sitting in the living room reading the newspaper or in his den doing paperwork.

I tore into the living room and my heart leapt momentarily at the figure curled up on the couch.

But it was Rosalie's clear blue eyes that met mine, not the sparkling green of my husband.

Emmett's voice rang out in my head.

_Rosalie will be here in a few minutes, Edward. I told you, we'll take care of her. I promise._

As Rosalie called out my name, my stomach clenched and I ran upstairs to the bathroom.

I hung my head over the toilet as my stomach heaved violently. Edward was gone. I was completely alone. Untethered. Adrift with no safe harbor.

Rosalie was running her hand up and down my back, whispering soothing words, but I didn't register any of it. I didn't want to. Nothing she said would bring Edward back to me and that was the only thing that would ease the ache in my heart.

Eventually, my stomach had nothing left to expel and I just sat there on the bathroom floor, numb. Rosalie sat with me but said nothing, just patiently held my hand, occasionally running her thumb across my knuckles.

My back was up against the bath tub and I thought back to the bath Edward and I took together. Why hadn't I told him how much I enjoyed it? How the feel of his hard, slick body behind mine was more comforting than any soft bed. How his hands always did such magical things to my body.

What else hadn't I told him? Would he know, while he was gone, how much I loved him? Had I told him enough? Would he know, without a doubt, that he was everything to me and that I needed him desperately to come home to me?

My mind tried to make sense of what happened when Edward came home, but my memories seemed fuzzy and incomplete.

_"I have to leave."_

_"I don't know when I'll be back."_

_"I don't want to leave you,"_

_"I don't have a choice."_

_"Now, Lieutenant!"_

I looked at Rosalie as realization dawned.

Emmett.

"Does he know where Edward is?" I asked, my voice harsh and rough.

Rosalie shook her head. "No. I'm sorry."

"He was here. He took Edward...somewhere. He must know where."

"He doesn't, Bella. I promise you." She squeezed my hand, punctuating her words. "He...I'll let him explain. He asked me to call him once you woke up."

I pulled my legs up to my chest and rested my forehead on my knees. I had no idea what to do now.

Rosalie sat with me for a few more minutes before excusing herself to go call Emmett. "Will you be all right?" she asked.

I didn't pick up my head – I just gave a resigned sigh and nodded my head.

I tried to think of what I would do when I got up and left the bathroom. It was dark out, but I had no idea what time or day it was or how long Edward had been gone. My heart felt like it was being squeezed and my stomach was still in knots and turning over on itself.

Rosalie came back up and asked me if I wanted to get changed since Emmett would be here any minute. I looked up at her and shrugged my shoulders, unconcerned with how I looked. I was still wearing the dress I had on when Edward...

I couldn't even make myself think the words.

I heard the front door a few minutes later and Rose took my hand, helping me up and asking me to come downstairs. I got up slowly, every cell in my body crying out for me to go back toward the bedroom and just lay down and sleep so I could forget what my life had become.

Instead, I dutifully followed Rose down the stairs and into the living room, where I perched on the edge of the couch. The same couch where Edward and I made love...yesterday, the day before...I had no idea.

"I don't know where he is," Emmett started without preamble. "I heard that he was going on an assignment and I made it my business to call in a favor and make sure I could drive him to the airport."

_"Now, Edward. We shouldn't even be here."_

"They weren't even going to let him come and see me to say goodbye, were they?" I asked.

Emmett looked down uncomfortably before rubbing the back of his neck and meeting my eyes. "No. That should tell you just how classified it is. They didn't want to give him the opportunity to leak any information. The decision to send him was made quickly and he was informed immediately. I have no idea what his assignment is or what's involved."

"Is that what you're here to tell me?" I barked. "What I already knew? You're as bad as he is." I shook my head. "When is he coming back?"

"I have no idea, Bella," he said, his patience at my attitude obvious. "I honestly don't know where he is or what he's doing. Whatever he's doing is top secret and even my clearance doesn't allow me access."

As I sat there, Edward's words from the previous few days replayed themselves in my head.

_"I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you."_

_"I just think you need to know where to find these things. I was gone for a few days and had there been an emergency, you wouldn't have known where to look."_

_"I'm so sorry. I didn't think it would happen so soon."_

He knew. Edward knew it was coming and didn't prepare me. After everything we'd been through, and knowing me as well as he did, he just left me. Emmett had said that the decision was made quickly, but Edward knew something was coming. He was too smart to be taken completely by surprise.

"He knew, Emmett."

"No, he didn't. The decision was made and he was called right away. That was at about three o'clock yesterday morning. That much I'm sure of."

I shook my head, positive that I knew Edward better than anyone and that he knew it was coming. "Perhaps he didn't know exactly when, or where, or what, but he knew. I've known Edward Cullen for his entire life. I grew up with him. He knew." I shook my head again, not exactly knowing how to feel. Part of me was angry that he kept it from me and part of me was sad that he was gone. But there was also a small part that was proud of him for suspecting what was coming before an actual decision had been made.

I sighed, knowing it wouldn't have mattered either way. Even if I had been given time to prepare, I was sure I would have felt just as shattered and alone as I did right now.

"Thank you, Emmett," I said softly. "I'm sorry. I appreciate your concern. " I sat there, staring at my hands as I wrung them in my lap.

"Bella," Rose said. "Please let us help you. I can spend the night –"

I smiled lightly at her. "You've been a great friend, Rose. That you were here when I woke up...I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. I just...I need to be alone, if that's okay." I stood, not wanting to usher them out but badly wanting to be alone.

"This came while you were asleep," she said, walking toward me and handing me an envelope.

I took it and walked them to the door, holding it open as Rose squeezed my elbow lightly and whispered, "I'll call you tomorrow" as she passed through.

Emmett followed closely behind her, turning back to me after he stepped through the door.

"You know, Bella, he fought for hours to try to avoid this assignment. I heard he was close to getting sent to the brig for insubordination. He would have done anything to stay here with you, but it really was out of his hands."

He turned and walked away and I closed the door softly behind me. I wandered into the living room and sat on the couch, staring blankly at the telegram envelope in my hands. I knew in my heart what it said but I didn't want to see the words in print. I took a deep breath and ripped the envelope open, deciding to get it over with.

THE NAVY DEPARTMENT DESIRES TO INFORM YOU OF THE REASSIGNMENT OF YOUR HUSBAND, LT. EDWARD A. CULLEN. NO INFORMATION ABOUT HIS DUTIES IS AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME. IF FURTHER DETAILS ARE RECEIVED YOU WILL BE INFORMED.

US NAVY, BUREAU OF PERSONNEL

I crumbled the telegram in my fist and dropped it to the floor. No information about his duties...they knew exactly where he was and what he was doing.

My father had spent his life in service to the United States Navy. He believed in its rules and its code and in its purpose. He believed that they respected him as much as he respected them. He taught me that they looked out for their men and their families.

And now I was being lied to by that very institution I was taught to revere.

And I was angry.

I stood and spied the small bar Edward had set up. I shook my head, wondering about an institution that would cause a sweet, gentle boy to have to drink to make it through the night. I grabbed the decanter full of scotch and threw it against the wall. It shattered, the pieces falling to the carpet, and found it oddly satisfying. I wanted my anger to take over, to consume me so I could feel something. But it slowly drained from me and all I felt was...nothing. I was numb.

I left the glass on the floor, went upstairs and took a steaming hot shower. I stood under the water until my skin was red, but I still felt nothing. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I got out, wrapped myself in a towel and padded my way down to the bedroom.

I dropped the towel and crawled into Edward's side of the bed. I hugged his pillow close to me and inhaled deeply, running my face across the place where Edward's had been just hours before. As hot tears fell silently from my eyes, I stared out the window and I tried to forget how alone I was.

I was awake for a long time.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed the next morning, I was exhausted and my head was pounding. I got dressed and went downstairs, but I simply stood in the kitchen, motionless. Edward had left so abruptly and my days were normally spent tending to his needs. Now I had nothing at all to do. I considered eating but the mere thought of food made my stomach turn.

I don't know how long I stood there before I noticed a black spot on the wall above the stove. It was small but out of place among the stark white paint so I went to the cabinet under the sink to get my cleaning supplies.

Once I started, I couldn't stop; I cleaned and scrubbed and polished the kitchen from top to bottom. I mopped the floor, cleaned out the refrigerator and washed out the trash can. By the time I was finished, the kitchen was spotless and I was exhausted.

But I had successfully kept myself occupied for the day. I thought of Edward constantly, but when my mind would wander to him, I would just scrub harder. Thinking about him wouldn't bring him back or make his absence hurt any less, so I tried to avoid thinking of him at all. Or feeling anything at all.

Rose called me just as I was getting ready for bed.

"I've been calling you all day," she accused. "I was about to come over and make sure you were okay."

"I'm sorry. I've been here, I guess I just didn't hear the phone."

"It's all right, Bella," she sighed. "I was just worried. How are you holding up? What have you been doing all day that you didn't hear the phone?"

"Cleaning," I said.

"Cleaning?"

"Yes. I just…I didn't know what else to do," I said softly.

"Do you want me to come over?" she asked.

I knew she would, and I was tempted to take her up on her offer, but I was just so tired.

"No, thank you, Rose. I'm just going to go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay, Bella. Good night."

After we hung up, I took another scalding hot shower and then crawled into bed, grasping Edward's pillow close to my chest, willing sleep to come. But all that came were the same silent tears I had cried the previous night.

I spent the next day much as I had the previous, except in the bathroom instead of the kitchen.

On the third day, I tackled the bedroom. I vacuumed the rugs and cleaned the windows; I washed, ironed and re-hung the curtains; I stripped the bed and reorganized the closet and the drawers.

On the fourth day, I moved on to the living room. I stepped behind the couch and quickly remembered that was where I threw the decanter. The pieces lay on the carpet, save for one that was now embedded in my foot.

It took me a good 20 minutes to remove it and to get the blood flow under control and with nothing to occupy my mind while I was sitting there applying pressure to my foot, my mind inevitably went to Edward. It felt childish, but I wanted him here to help me and kiss me on the forehead and tell me it was going to be okay.

This wasn't the first time I had cut this very same foot, and the last time was still fresh in my mind. I was 16 and went to find Alice at her house but no one was home when I got there, so I went for a walk on the beach. I wound up cutting my foot on a shell and when I came in the house trailing blood behind me, I ran into Edward.

_"Bella, what happened to you?"_

_Why did he always have to sound so angry?_

_"I stepped on a shell, Edward. It's fine," I said softly, not wanting to fight with him today._

_"It's not fine," he snapped. "Come with me." He grabbed me by the waist and practically hauled me to the bathroom, sitting me on the edge of the closed toilet. He silently rummaged through the medicine cabinet as I sat there like a chastised child. With everything else that happened to me today, I didn't need Edward's anger on top of it._

_Before I could stop them, tears were stinging my eyes and I quickly wiped them away as he turned back to me, supplies in hand._

_He knelt in front of me, silently and gently taking my foot in his hand, inspecting the wound before taking some alcohol and gauze and cleaning it. It stung and I flinched, only to have Edward grab my ankle tightly and say "Hold still."_

_I felt my traitor tears build up again at his coldness, so unlike the boy I had grown up with. I wondered what happened to make him hate me so much._

_He finished cleaning my foot and then bandaged it up carefully, running his hand gently around my ankle, in stark contrast to the tone of voice he had been using with me._

_He looked up at me as he was rising from the floor but stopped short when he saw my face. "Bella?" he asked softly. "What happened? Does your foot hurt? Maybe I should get Dad..."_

_"No, it's fine," I sniffled. "I'm just having a bad day and then you...forget it. I just want to go to my room and lie down for a little while." _

_He looked conflicted before he nodded and helped me up, putting his arm around my waist and helping me to my room._

_He sat me on the bed and I laid down on my back, the weight of the day finally settling on me as hot tears ran down the sides of my face and into my hair._

_I didn't realize Edward was still in the room until he got in bed next to me and pulled me into his arms, turning my quiet sniffles into sobs. It felt so good to be comforted and for the first time in a long time, I felt like he cared._

_"What happened, Bella?" he asked, stroking my back tentatively._

_I took a deep breath, wanting so badly to tell him but equally afraid that his anger, which had been constant of late, would return. Not sure what to do, I said nothing, just enjoyed Edward's arms around me and the warmth of his body. Outside of my father, he was the person I felt safest with, despite his recent attitude. I felt the rise and fall of his chest under my cheek and I was so mesmerized by it and so comforted by him that my tears soon stopped and I almost fell asleep._

_"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly._

_"I had a huge fight with Dad," I croaked out._

_"What about?" he asked._

_I shook my head against his chest, not wanting to get into details._

_Edward seemed to understand and fell silent, running a hand through my hair. It seemed to be shaking and I wondered if he was cold. I was so warm and comfortable._

_Much later, he said, "Better, now?"_

_I nodded my head, not wanting to get up and leave the comfort I had found. Part of me just wanted to stay like that forever._

_I started playing with the buttons on Edward's shirt as I told him about the fight I had with my father. How I had gotten a bad report from school from my Italian teacher and how Dad told me how disappointed he was in me and how I needed to be better than the boys if I was ever going to make something of myself. I told Edward about how I yelled at my father that he expected too much of me and that sometimes things were hard. How Dad said it wasn't hard and that I was smarter than that and maybe I just needed to study more. I told him about how I accused Dad of wishing I had been a boy and how hurt he looked when I ran out of the house._

_"Seeing that hurt and disappointment on his face was the worst thing I've ever seen. I just ran. I came over here and no one was home so I went for a walk on the beach. That's where I cut my foot."_

_"Mom took Alice to the dentist," Edward said, stroking my arm absently. "Does your dad know you're here?" he asked._

_"I don't know. Probably. Where else would I go?"_

_"Good point," he said. I could feel his smile against my forehead. "So, what do you want to do about this Italian problem?"_

_I shrugged my shoulders. "I'll just work harder, I guess."_

_"You realize I'm fluent in Italian, don't you?"_

_"Yes, Edward, I knew that," I said, rolling my eyes. "Are you trying to rub it in?_

_"No, of course not! I'm just offering you my help if you should ever need it."_

_"Oh, thanks." I fell silent, not knowing what else to say._

_"You know your father loves you and wants the best for you. That's why he pushes you and gets upset when you get a bad report."_

"_I know," I said, sighing. "I just wish sometimes that it was easier. That my teachers would expect more and my father would expect less." _

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean that my father expects me to excel at everything, but not everyone feels the same way. Mr. Conti doesn't expect me to be any different than any other girl who comes through his class. He can't be bothered teaching me Italian because I'll just run off and get married after high school, so why take the time to teach me? And he doesn't even bother hiding it. I'm completely unmotivated. That's why I got the bad report."_

"_Are you really going to let Mr. Conti effect you like that? You're meant for better things than the world would have you think."_

"_Not you too," I groaned._

"_Yes, me too," he said, lifting my chin so I could look at him. "You can be whatever you want to be. Your father has been telling you that for your entire life and you need to start believing it. And wouldn't it be nice to prove Mr. Conti wrong? I'd love to see the look on his face when you get high marks in his class."_

_I was mesmerized by the truth in his eyes. They were soft but determined, just like his words. I nodded and put my head back down on his chest, wanting to blot out the rest of the world for just a little bit longer._

I smiled at the memory, thinking about how I was right to want to stay wrapped up in Edward just a bit longer, for once we had gotten up out of that bed, he was back to his brooding, angry self. But I also knew that he cared, and it wasn't the last time he would show it.

Now, of course, I knew that at the time Edward's feelings for me were so much deeper than I ever realized. Perhaps that conversation on my bed should have made that clearer to me, but I had so little experience with boys outside of Edward that I didn't realize that when a boy liked you, he didn't always just come out and say it.

I also remembered leaving Edward and going to find my father, hugging him tightly when I saw him, apologizing for being such a brat. We had a long dinner at the O Club that night and he explained to me all the things he wanted for me and how much more difficult it would be for me since I was a girl. But he also said something that had more meaning to me now than it ever had before.

_"I can only encourage you so much. The rest is up to you."_

I sighed and got up, testing my foot, happy to realize that I could actually walk on it if I was careful.

I knew I had choices to make, I just didn't know what they would be or where they would lead me. And I had to make them alone and that, more than anything else, frightened me.

I spent the next few days finishing my top to bottom cleaning of the house, reading, doing laundry, darning and listening to the radio; anything to keep me occupied and away from thoughts of Edward and my plans for the future.

Rosalie called every day but I always made an excuse as to why she couldn't come over.

Nighttime was the only time I couldn't avoid thoughts of Edward. I got in bed and cried silently late into every night, so unsure of my life and missing Edward more than I ever thought possible.

I thought as the days went by that my foot would start to feel better, but it only got worse. By the time Edward had been gone for a week, I was starting to get worried; the area where I had stepped on the glass was an angry red and it was becoming difficult to walk.

I found the card that Edward had given me months ago that allowed me to see a doctor, but I had no car and no idea where the hospital was, so I let it go and decided to think about it later. Besides, I had little desire to leave the house.

When Mrs. Cope came over the next day, worried at the accumulation of newspapers and milk on the front porch, I was having trouble walking.

"Bella, you need to see a doctor," she said. "I'll take you. We can leave a note for Edward."

"That won't be necessary." I hesitated for a moment. "Edward's gone."

"Gone? Deployed?"

I nodded my head and averted my eyes, waiting for the inevitable question of "where", but it never came.

"Well," she finally said. "Let's get you over to the doctor. I'll drive."

She picked up her purse from her house and came back over to get me, helping me into the car before getting behind the wheel.

"Have you been eating?" she asked as soon as we got in the car.

I was startled that she would ask and just shook my head. Eating wasn't something I had thought about at all since Edward left. In my attempts to keep my mind occupied, I had simply forgotten to eat.

"I can tell," she said. "You're thin."

I nodded, not sure what to say.

"Did I ever tell you that Felix isn't Joseph's father?" she asked, pulling into traffic on Main Street.

I looked over at her, surprised at her revelation. "No, you never mentioned it."

"Well, it's not something I really like to talk about. It was a long time ago and Felix has been everything a father should be to my boy." She paused briefly and seemed to consider her next words. "I was young and in love, which made me do some pretty foolish things. Fred was handsome and smart and the most charming boy I'd ever met. And I was quite a dish when I was younger." I giggled for the first time in days and she looked over at me and smiled.

"It's true," she continued. "I come from very religious people, but I had a rebellious streak in me a mile wide. I was 16 when I got pregnant with Joseph. When I told my parents they opened the front door, told me to get out, and never looked back. I haven't seen them since. Fred's family was poor and didn't need two more mouths to feed.

"We dropped out of school, got married and moved into a small apartment. We didn't have much, but I thought we were happy. We made the best of it and at the beginning, Fred was loving and affectionate and seemed as eager to make our marriage work as I was.

"He had a job at a local grocery packing bags and stocking shelves, but we were barely getting by. I would have worked but no one would hire a pregnant woman. Fred started getting irritable and complaining about how hard he had to work and how we couldn't get ahead, but he refused to look for other work."

She sighed and shook her head. "I'm convinced that he thought marrying me would be a good idea so we could share a bed without having to answer to anyone." She gazed at me and I looked back at her knowingly, a small smile on my face.

"Life only got harder after Joseph was born. He was an irritable baby and cried until all hours of the night, but he had the sweetest disposition when he wasn't crying. He could melt the coldest heart with his smile. Except for Fred's. He would get so angry to have his sleep interrupted by the baby's crying, but the apartment was small and we had nowhere to go. Fred would often leave the apartment at night and go down the street to a bar and drink until morning, which didn't help our financial situation or his anger.

"I ran to a neighbor one day when Joseph was just shy of a year old to borrow some milk. I couldn't have been gone for more than five minutes, but when I came back, Fred was shaking Joseph, screaming at him to shut up. I can still see it sometimes when I close my eyes..."

She shook her head slightly before she continued. "Anyway, I grabbed my son and ordered Fred out of the house. He left almost gleefully and I never saw him again. I think he had been looking for an excuse to leave.

"I sat up that night, crying right along with my son, so unsure of my future; I had no family to support me and few friends. But somehow, I found the strength and the resolve to get by. Sometimes I felt so desperate that I considered going to my parents and begging them to take us in, but it never came to that, thankfully. I was lucky enough to find secretarial work and I had a neighbor who would watch Joseph for just a few dollars a week.

"I found out about 8 months later that Fred was killed in a bar fight," she said, her eyes flicking over to me. "It wasn't easy to be a woman on my own with a small child, but we made the best of it."

She stopped talking, seemingly lost in thought. Her story had shocked me, but I was grateful that she was sharing it. She was a surprising woman and I regretted my first impression of her.

"When did you meet Felix?" I prompted.

She smiled wistfully and I could see the love she had for her husband clearly on her features.

"Right after he got home from the war. He had been in the trenches in France and got discharged when the war was over. He was so handsome in his uniform," she sighed. "I met him one day when I was at the park with Joseph, who took to him instantly. I guess you could say I did, as well."

At that moment, we pulled up to the hospital. After we parked the car, she helped me up the stairs and to the front desk where we checked in and waited about an hour before I was seen by a doctor.

It seemed I did a better job of smashing the glass than I thought. There were two tiny pieces still in my foot that the doctor found and cleaned out. He bandaged me up and told me to stay off of it for a few days before sending me on my way.

The car ride home was relatively silent until we pulled in front of the my house.

"You know, Bella, I never thought I would make it after Fred left. I had nothing. No job, no money, no family. But somehow, I found a reserve of strength I never knew I had." She looked over at me. "It wasn't easy, but it never got so hard that I felt like giving up. There was too much to live for."

I looked down at my hands clasped in my lap, not sure how to respond. I didn't know if I was that strong.

"Edward loves you and you have to believe that he'll make it home. And you have to be the person you want him to find when he does."

I took a deep breath to prevent the tears that were stinging my eyes. She was right. Edward would come home, and when he did, I wanted him to find a Bella we could both be proud of.

And that Charlie would be proud of.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cope," I said sincerely.

"Call me Shelley. And don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I'll be right next door."

After she helped me into the house, she excused herself and made her way home.

With her words and the memories of my father and Edward still fresh in my mind, I went straight to the den, sat down at Edward's desk, and wrote him a letter that I would never send.

_Dear Edward,_

_You've been gone a little over week and I miss you so much already. I've tried to keep occupied so I don't think about you, but you're never far from my mind. I want you to come home._

_You always made me feel safe, and after my father died, I felt like you were all I had. That you were the only thing holding me together._

_Maybe it's time I held myself together._

_Maybe I need to be the girl Charlie raised. The one who was strong and independent and thought she could do and be anything so long as she put in the effort. I've lost her somewhere along the way, but I'm going to try to get her back._

_I'm going to make my father proud._

_It's going to be so hard without you. I need the comfort of your arms and the wisdom of your words. I need the strength you give me and the calm I feel in your presence._

_Please come home to me. I don't want to do this without you._

_I love you._

_Bella  
_

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**Welcome to all of my new readers and a special thank you to all of you who have been with me from the beginning. You know who you are, and so do I.**

**Lucette21 puts up with my insanity and betas me honestly and thoroughly. She's the cherry on my hot fudge sundae.**

**LTR pre-read for me and gave me some good advice. She's a peach.**

**wwp also helped me with this chapter. She's a good egg.**

**I should go have lunch.**

**What's your favorite brown bag lunch?**


	17. Chapter 17

**Warning: There is some coarse and racist language in this chapter. It in no way reflects the way I think or feel, but was common and accepted at the time. And on that note, I'll remind you – it's still 1942.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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My decision to do something with my life, to make my father proud, was easier said than done. The spring term was about to begin at most colleges and admissions were closed. I was considering sending in some late applications but wasn't holding out hope. Plus, I would need my high school transcripts and getting them here from Hawaii could take weeks.

Rosalie called me every day and constantly offered to take me out or come over, but I kept her at arms length. I was harboring unfair resentment, I knew, but knowing it didn't mean I could move past it. Her husband had taken Edward from me, and she still got to sleep with Emmett every night. Knowing I was being irrational didn't prevent me from feeling the way I did.

I hadn't left the house since the trip to the hospital, and when Edward had been gone for two weeks, I finally decided it was time to start tending to my more basic needs. I didn't eat much, but there really was nothing left in the house and I needed some form of sustenance. The early December air was chilly so I bundled in my coat and hurried for the grocery in town.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Cullen. Haven't seen you here in a while." I had been shopping in this store at least once a week since Edward and I moved here. The owner was a very sweet, friendly older man who enjoyed making conversation and getting to know his regular customers.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Allen. Just catching up on my shopping," I said dismissively. I didn't want him to ask after Edward.

Nothing was particularly appealing, but I was slowly getting my appetite back so I grabbed a basket and chose a few things to keep me fed for a couple of days.

When I reached the counter and put my basket down, Mr. Allen looked at me compassionately and kindly.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Cullen, but could you have Mr. Cullen stop in? He hasn't paid your bill in quite a few weeks."

"Oh," I said, passing him my ration coupons for the coffee and sugar. "I…" I had no idea what to say. I had never paid a bill in my life. I made small purchases with cash that Edward gave me, but large purchases were put on account. An account that Edward paid.

"It's okay, Mrs. Cullen. Just have your husband come in some time this week and we'll take care of it." He smiled at me kindly and packed my food, handing me the bag and bidding me a good afternoon.

I left, unsure of what to do. I had a little money left from what Edward gave me the week before he left, but I had no idea what I would do when that was gone.

I walked home, my mind whirling with the implications of what I had just learned.

I went straight to Edward's desk when I walked in the door, searching for the check folio he had shown me right before he left.

I sat there, biting my lip, staring at the checkbook and the record of transactions that Edward so neatly kept. There were columns of figures, credits and debits, all written precisely in Edward's hand.

I understood it perfectly well, I just had no idea where the credits came from or how to get money from the bank.

I copied down our account numbers, put my coat back on and trudged back into town and to the bank.

I sat across from the bank manager and handed him the account numbers and asked him to give me a small sum of money and information about when and how Edward's paycheck was put into our account.

"Mrs. Cullen, I'm sorry," he said, looking at me sympathetically. "But your name isn't on the account. I can't give you what you're looking for."

I looked at him, bewildered. "I don't understand."

He sighed and looked down at the paper in his hand. "I don't doubt your word, but your husband never added your name to the account, so I'm unable to give you access to any of the funds."

"But…" I had no idea what to say. How could Edward let this happen? He had to know this would be an issue once he left. "Will I be able to write checks?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you for your time," I said quietly, standing up and retrieving my papers, completely humiliated and defeated.

"Mrs. Cullen, wait," he called out as I turned to leave. "Your husband used to bring his checks in monthly. Arrangements were made through the Navy a couple of weeks ago for the money to be directly deposited. If you can bring me your marriage certificate, I'll see what I can do. The war has loosened some of the regulations but I need some proof that you're married."

I stared at him for a moment before nodding my head and thanking him again, disappointment and fear coursing through me.

I held myself together until I got home. Once I was inside I went to the sink to get myself a glass of water to try to ease some of my nerves. But I was shaking so badly that the glass slipped from my hand and broke in the sink. I left it where it was and fell heavily into one of the kitchen chairs.

I had no access to money. I couldn't write a check. I couldn't pay for food or milk or electricity or heat. I couldn't buy clothes or a cup of coffee or a newspaper. I wasn't even sure how long I would be able to stay in this house. I had no idea how much rent we paid or even where to send the checks if I _could_ write them.

How could he let this happen? I knew that had Edward had time to prepare, I wouldn't be in this situation. But I was.

As I sat in my kitchen, head in my hands, tears running down my face, shaking uncontrollably, alone and virtually penniless, I resolved that I would never let anyone, even Edward, have this kind of power over me again.

But that didn't solve my current problem. We had no marriage certificate. At the time, we were told that it would take a week for it to be ready and it had to be picked up in person, so we left New York without it.

I didn't want to ask anyone for help, but I thought maybe part of being an adult was knowing when something was more than you could handle. If anything qualified, it was this.

My immediate need was money, and as I sat there pondering ways to obtain some, my mind wandered to my father.

A soft "oh" escaped my throat as I remembered the money that he left me when he died. The money that Carlisle invested for me that I hadn't given a second thought to since I found out about it.

Once again, I had let someone else control an essential aspect of my life.

Shaking my head at my weakness and wiping away my tears, I got up from the table to call Hawaii.

As I went to pick up the phone, my eyes wandered over to the stack of mail on the telephone table. I had been ignoring it for weeks and as I rifled through it, I found, among other things, a past due notice from the electric company and bills for the newspaper and milk deliveries.

I put them aside and picked up the phone.

"He what?" asked Esme after I gave her the news.

"He left. He's been deployed. I received notice from the Navy." I wasn't sure if I should tell anyone, even Esme, about our goodbye. I hated to lie to her, but I had to protect Edward first.

"Where?"

"I don't know," I said softly. "They couldn't, or wouldn't, tell me anything. I have no information on when he'll be back, either."

"Well, you need to come home, Bella. You can't stay there by yourself."

"I don't know. I never thought about leaving."

"You must come home to your family. We'll take care of you."

"I don't…when Edward comes home, he'll come here. I need to be here when he does."

"Bella, please. Edward will know where to find you. I hate the thought of you there by yourself."

"Maybe," I said, doubt creeping up on me. It would be so much easier to let someone else take care of me. I could enroll in school and I wouldn't have to worry about money or taking care of a house. But I had also just experienced what it felt like to be powerless, so I needed to summon all of my courage and make the right decision, not the easy one.

"At least come home for Christmas," Esme said, breaking me out of me reverie. "You shouldn't be alone for the holidays."

"Yes, okay," I said immediately, the thought of spending Christmas alone more than I could bear at the moment. Rosalie had insisted that I spend Thanksgiving with her and Emmett and when I continued to refuse, she packed up all of the food she prepared and brought it to my house. The three of us had a quiet but pleasant meal in my dining room and I was ultimately glad that Rosalie had refused to take my no for an answer. But I hadn't seen her since and I felt a small pang of remorse at my unfairness.

I shook off my guilt, focusing instead on making plans with Esme for my trip to Hawaii. Then I asked to speak with Carlisle.

My voice was calm as I told him my financial situation, even though I was shaking and gripping the phone tightly as I spoke.

"Of all the..." he practically yelled. I had never heard Carlisle so angry. "I can't believe he would let this happen. How could he–"

"Carlisle, please. It wasn't intentional. I just need some of the money Dad left me."

"Of course. My apologies." He paused to clear his throat. "The money Charlie left you isn't liquid. It'll take me some time to get it," he said.

My heart sank and I felt like I was going to be sick. "I..."

"No, listen to me. I'll wire you some money today."

"But–"

"No buts. You're our family. Did you really think we would abandon you, especially when we have the means to help you?"

"No, of course not," I said softly.

"Even if you weren't married to Edward...Bella, you're Charlie's daughter. You've always been a part of our family. And you always will be."

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"You're very welcome. The money should be at Western Union by tomorrow."

After we hung up, I let out a long sigh of relief. Even though we had kept in touch with the family through letters and occasional phone calls, I felt like Edward and I had only each other to rely on since we had been here. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to have a family that I could turn to for help.

Then it dawned on me that the anniversary of Charlie's death was just a few days ago and I had been so wrapped up in myself that I had completely missed it. I promised myself that I would make the long overdue trip to Charlie's grave when I arrived back in Hawaii.

I picked the money up from Western Union the next day. The relief I felt at having the cash in my hand was acute and I took it immediately to pay some of our outstanding bills. I paid Mr. Allen, who was sorry to hear that Edward was deployed, before heading over to the telephone and electric company offices. I also found the address where Edward would send our rent checks and handed them cash. I had some left over but decided to keep it until I had my own money in my hand.

x-x-x

I left for Hawaii a week later and planned to stay until right after the new year. Travel was difficult but Carlisle was able to use some of his Navy connections to get me the necessary flights, even though it took almost two days and five connections.

It felt strange to be back in Hawaii; the weather, the people, the atmosphere. It was all so different than where Edward and I lived now.

The house was much the same as it had been when I left for Maryland, but the mood around everything had changed significantly. The house that had once been so full of happiness and laughter seemed quieter, more reserved and serious.

Alice ran up to me and gave me a hug as soon as I walked in the door, exclaiming her happiness at seeing me. I hadn't realized how much I missed her until she was in front of me and I couldn't help but smile. And it felt good. Her enthusiasm alone was worth the trip.

We separated and after I greeted Esme, I went upstairs to rest and unpack after my long journey. I wasn't sure what Esme expected, but I walked past my old room, making my way to Edward's. As I opened the dresser drawers to find room for my clothes, I smiled at seeing Edward's shirts and socks and handkerchiefs. I ran my fingers lightly over the books on his bookshelf and the framed pictures on his nightstand. I tried to avoid those reminders at home, but was grateful for them here.

After I was finished unpacking, I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling uncomfortable. Once upon a time, this had been my refuge, now it just felt foreign. I took off my shoes and laid down on top of the covers, certain I wouldn't be able to sleep.

I woke up sometime later, feeling refreshed and very hungry. I wandered downstairs and found Esme and Alice in the kitchen, cleaning up from dinner.

"Are you hungry, dear? I could fix you something."

"Um...I can make myself something, thank you," I said, relieved that she had brought it up. I wasn't comfortable enough anymore to just take what I wanted.

Esme looked surprised before smiling and turning back to the sink. I realized that the last time I was here I did little more than chop carrots and slice bread. I didn't think I had ever prepared food for myself in this house outside of the occasional snack. Maybe I would cook dinner for the family before I left.

Esme excused herself as Alice sat down with me and kept me company while I ate my sandwich. She asked me about Edward but I hadn't discussed his deployment in detail with anyone since Rose and Emmett, and I didn't have it in me to rehash what happened. The wound was still too fresh and I didn't want it reopened.

I deflected her questions and steered her toward Jasper, who was home recovering from injuries he received at the Battle of Guadalcanal. Once he was well enough, he was going to flight school to become a naval aviator.

He had been home for a few weeks and was almost healed. He had a shrapnel wound in his leg and had suffered a concussion. But he was also set to receive the Medal of Honor for his actions during the battle and had been promoted to Lieutenant Commander.

Apparently, all of the officers on the ship except Jasper and one other were killed or badly wounded during a Japanese attack. Jasper took command of the ship and steered it, with its remaining crew, to safe harbor amid the chaos.

"He was brave, but also lucky," she said sadly, shaking her head. "So many boys are dying. We just found out about Tyler."

"What about Tyler?"

"Killed at Guadalcanal. He was on the _Juneau_. His poor mother," she said softly, shuddering slightly. "Mom was over there for three nights after they got the telegram. And of course there's Eric. That was just a month ago." When I looked at her questioningly, she continued. "Killed at Santa Cruz. He was on the _Hornet_," she said sadly, as if I knew what that meant.

"Santa Cruz?" I asked.

"Bella, haven't you been keeping up on the war?"

I looked down, embarrassed. I _hadn't_ been paying as much attention as I should have to what was going on around me. To the war that had taken Edward and my father from me and was taking the lives of boys I had grown up with.

More than ever, I regretted not appreciating the time Edward and I had together. I could have kicked myself whenever I thought of all the childish complaining I had done when he had to leave me for a few hours. At least he came back. Eric and Tyler's parents no longer had that luxury and I wondered briefly if I would be in the same situation before forcing the thought from my mind. Edward had to come home. I had to hold onto the belief that he would because I didn't think I would survive otherwise.

Alice stood suddenly and grabbed my hand, dragging me behind her into the living room. Before I knew it, we were standing in front of a huge map affixed to the wall. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it when I walked in.

The map took up most of the wall and was peppered with colored pins and tacks. After studying it for a moment I realized that some of the colors indicated territories held by the Axis and others by the Allies. Some referred to battles that had recently or were currently taking place, designated by a date written in pencil.

I saw pins in places I had never heard of before; Guadalcanal, Luzon, Bougainville, Palau, Tarawa, Saipan, Stalingrad, Kharkov, El Alemain.

I wondered if Edward was in any of those places and if he was as ignorant of them as I was before he got there. I somehow doubted it.

I would get a map of my own when I got home.

The days passed slowly. I helped Esme in her victory garden, walked on the beach, went to a war bond drive, sat on the lanai and read. We sat behind blackout curtains every night and listened to the war news on the radio. I saw quite a bit of Angela and I spent hours talking with Alice about marriage and husbands, the war and our futures. I missed Edward constantly but tried to push through the pain and not let it make me sad. I wanted to enjoy my time with my family.

We celebrated a quiet Christmas at home, along with Jasper and his parents. Angela's family still refused to acknowledge her if she had anything to do with Ben, so she came over on Christmas Eve and spent the night, staying until late on Christmas Day. It was good to see her and share stories about the way we grew up and how things had changed. She was working at Pearl doing secretarial work. Ben had been assigned to the 100th Infantry Battalion, a unit made up exclusively of Japanese-American soldiers from Hawaii. She had had no news of him for some time but was confident that he was fine and just in a place with limited communication. Her positive attitude was comforting and a little daunting. I wished it would rub off on me.

Christmas was a relaxing and enjoyable time, but something kept nagging at the back of my mind. As if there was something that I needed to do that I was forgetting.

Two days before I was set to leave, Alice came bounding in the house, an enormous smile on her face, her cheeks flushed red.

"I'm engaged!" she practically shouted. Jasper followed closely behind her, his limp barely noticeable anymore, a smile on his face.

Esme embraced Alice tightly and I gave Jasper a hug, congratulating him.

"When's the big day?" I asked, feeling genuinely happy for her.

"We're going to wait," Alice said quietly, some of the joy leaving her face. "Jasper has to go back soon so we're going to hold off until we have more time."

"Well," Esme said, putting her arm around Alice's waist. "That will give us plenty of time to prepare a proper wedding."

I flushed and looked down. Was Esme disappointed in Edward and my wedding?

"Besides, I need to get out there and help defeat the Goddamn Nips before I can come back and marry my girl," Jasper said, pulling Alice to him and putting his arm around her waist, holding her close.

I looked up with wide eyes at Jasper, who had always been so quiet and thoughtful. His coarse language was shocking.

I saw a similar look on Esme's face, and so did Jasper. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, but with a hint of defiance in his voice.

War was changing everything. Not only were our boys dying, but the ones who survived were changing. I wondered what Edward would be like when he came home and how whatever he was experiencing would change him.

I was sitting at the kitchen table the night before I was set to leave, sipping a hot chocolate and thinking of Edward, fondly recalling our honeymoon; the snow, the food, the comfort of his embrace and the ease with which we related to each other. We talked like the lifelong friends we were, never faltering in revealing our feelings for each other, laughing frequently and never suffering through an awkward moment except in our newly formed physical relationship. Even then, we recovered quickly, wanting so much for every part of our relationship to be effortless. And it was.

I wondered if we would ever be like that again. If our experiences during the war and our time apart would change us irrevocably or if we could go back to that carefree time.

I was broken from my thoughts by the sound of shuffling feet. I looked up to see Esme stroll into the kitchen in her robe and slippers, but seemingly wide awake.

"I thought I heard noise down here. What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep."

"Me either."

She grabbed a cup of cocoa and sat across from me.

"Esme, were you unhappy with the way Edward and I got married?" I asked.

"What do you mean? It took me by surprise, yes, but you both seemed so sure –"

"No," I interrupted, looking down at my mug of cocoa. "I mean today, when Alice and Jasper got engaged you said something about a proper wedding and I just wondered..."

"Oh, Bella, no. What's right for you and what's right for Alice are two different things. I meant a proper wedding for what Alice wants and has wanted for as long as she knew what a wedding was. Don't you remember those elaborate weddings she would stage when she was just barely out of diapers?" She smiled and I couldn't help but return it at the memory of Alice making us all dress up and attend her "wedding." Edward and I used to grumble about it incessantly but we played along because that was better than the wailing that would ensue should we deny her.

"Still," I whispered. "Were you disappointed?"

"No, I wasn't. I have never seen my son as happy as he was on the day he married you and I don't believe a different venue would have made that day any more perfect than it was." She paused and took a sip of her cocoa. "Was it what you wanted?"

"It was perfect as far as I was concerned." I looked down and blushed as I recalled how happy I was that day – it _had_ been perfect.

"Bella," Esme began, looking down at her mug. "I'd really like you to think about staying. We have plenty of room here and this is your home."

"Esme, I..." How would I explain it to her? How could I explain to her that if I stayed here, I would fall back into letting someone else take care of me and I might never learn to fend for myself? I wasn't sure she would understand and I didn't want to have to defend my choices. I only wanted input from one person and his voice was lost to me.

"I appreciate the offer," I said, my voice soft. "But I need to go back. I have friends there and it's where Edward and I are building our life. It's where we'll live when he comes home."

Esme looked down, her hands wrapping around the warm mug, her wedding band making a small clinking sound as it made contact with the ceramic. "I haven't pushed you to talk about it because I didn't want to upset you, but you don't know when Edward's coming home. And not knowing where he is..." She finally looked up at me. "You could be on your own for years."

My chest tightened and I swallowed back the tears that threatened to start at the mere thought of years without Edward. Without my husband and best friend. Without affection and intimacy. Without Edward's strong arms and soft lips and soothing voice.

I took a deep breath, shaking off my thoughts, and plowed ahead. "I understand that and it's a chance I'm willing to take." I grabbed her hand across the table. "I won't be alone. I have some very good friends and I'll go to school or get a job to keep busy." I squeezed her hand lightly and smiled. "Please, don't worry about me."

She looked at me for a long moment. "Promise me that you'll ask us if you need anything," she pleaded. "You're so important to us. I know I'm not your mother but I've always considered you a daughter and the thought of you struggling by yourself..."

I squeezed her hand gently. "You're the only mother I've ever known and I doubt mine could have done a better job," I said sincerely. "I won't be by myself. I have friends and Edward will be home. Please, I need to do this."

"Of course," she said, patting my hand before wiping her tears. "I just worry."

She paused for a moment, searching my face. "What would you think if Alice came to stay with you for a little while?" she asked tentatively.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, surprised yet pleased at her offer. It would be nice to have her stay with me. I had missed her and I didn't particularly enjoy living alone.

"She has to finish school, but could be there in a couple of months," she said. "I'll have to speak to Carlisle first, but I think he'll be agreeable."

We had a family meeting before I left for the airport the next morning where it was decided that Alice would come and live with me once she finished school. Alice clapped her hands after Carlisle gave his blessing, and I suspected it had more to do with Jasper than with me. He would be training at the newly built Naval Air Station at Patuxent River, which Alice told me was about an hour outside of Silver Spring, though I wasn't sure how long he would be there before he shipped out.

It wasn't until I was on my way home that I realized that I had once again failed to visit Charlie's grave.

Once back in Maryland, I walked into the house, my house, and immediately second-guessed my decision to leave the safety of my family in Hawaii. The house was silent and empty and devoid of any warmth. It just didn't feel the same now that Edward wasn't here to share it with me.

I put my suitcase down and went to the phone to call Rosalie. I had been a terrible friend, blaming her for my problems and for Edward leaving when all she had tried to do was be a friend.

We talked for quite a while and I asked for her forgiveness, which she gave freely and without condition. She asked if she could come over the next morning for breakfast and I quickly agreed, determined to never take any relationship for granted again. They could be taken away so quickly and without any warning.

I took the large check Carlisle gave me while I was in Hawaii to the bank, where I opened both a checking and savings account. I got my own checks and the kind bank manager who had tried to help me before showed me how to write them out properly to pay the bills that had piled up since I'd been gone. It took me a whole day to work through all of the paperwork and write checks for all of the bills, but I felt so pleased and accomplished when I was finished.

I still didn't have access to Edward's money, but thanks to my father, I had a nice cushion until he got home.

However, since I didn't know exactly when Edward would be home, I didn't want to live off of that money for too long. I feared it would run out and I didn't want to have to rely on Carlisle and Esme to bail me out if it did. I needed an income.

But going out and looking for a job seemed like such a daunting task, despite the opportunities the war was creating for women. Part of me was just hoping that Edward would come walking through the door so I wouldn't have to worry about it at all. And if I did have to go out and find a job, he was the one I wanted talk to about how scared I felt and how unsure I was. But he wasn't here. Every sound made me jump and every slamming car door sent me running to the window, but it was never Edward. As the days bled into weeks with no word and he had been gone for almost two months, I resigned myself to his absence. He would be home when he would be home and no amount of wishing and hoping would make him appear.

The answer to my job question finally came from an unexpected source.

I heard a car idling outside the house on a Tuesday afternoon, so I immediately ran to the window. The car was black and parked in between my house and Mrs. Cope's. When I saw a uniform clad leg emerge from the back, I ran to the door and pulled it open, my heart racing. I ran onto the porch and was halfway down the steps before I realized that it wasn't Edward.

Mrs. Cope was tightly embracing the soldier who had gotten out of the car. It must have been Joseph.

I went to go back into the house when she called to me.

"Bella! Come and meet my Joseph!"

I smiled and held my hand up, reaching inside to grab my coat and put it on. I closed the door and made my way down the stairs, feeling genuinely pleased to meet the son of this extraordinary woman. The boy who had been the driving force behind her strength and her ability to stand on her own two feet.

I made my way over to them as Mrs. Cope was running her hands up and down the lapels of Joseph's Marine Corps dress jacket, smiling brightly at his blushing face.

"Bella," she said as I reached them. "This is Joseph. Joseph, this is Bella."

He took my hand and gripped it lightly, giving me a soft greeting. "Pleasure to meet you, ma'am."

He had a musical voice, a soft, bright smile and a gentle touch. He was tall and had sparkling brown eyes and close cropped, military style brown hair. He was obviously older than me, but I was immediately reminded of Edward and I felt my chest tighten. I missed him so much and it didn't seem to be getting any easier.

I shook off my melancholy and smiled back at Joseph in greeting as he let me hand go.

"Come, let's go inside and get warmed up. Bella, please join us," Mrs. Cope insisted.

"Oh, no. I wouldn't want to intrude."

"Nonsense," she said, grabbing my hand in one of hers, Joseph's in the other, and leading us to the house.

We made chit-chat as Mrs. Cope made coffee and put out cake. Joseph had just finished his training and his regiment was shipping out in five days so he was given leave to see his loved ones before being deployed. My eyes burned at the thought that he got to say goodbye to his family, but I quickly got it under control. It was what it was and there was no going back now. Besides, thanks to Emmett, I did get my goodbye, no matter how short it was.

Joseph was smart and seemed very comfortable in social situations, unlike me. But he quickly put me at ease by asking questions about me and once he learned I was married, about Edward. I found I didn't mind talking about him to Joseph, who looked at me compassionately but without pity.

As for Joseph, I learned that before he joined the Marines he taught Italian here in Silver Spring at Montgomery Blair High and had a sweetheart waiting for him. Her name was Frances and he smiled and blushed when he spoke of her. He was going to take her out for dinner and dancing that very night and was planning on asking her father for her hand before he left. It made me think of Edward and the one time we danced together. But the thought made me smile instead of making me sad. He had been so unsure of himself and afraid to tell me how he felt but I suppose I was no better. At least he realized that he loved me instead of being in a complete state of denial like I had been.

"I want to take some time to see the old school," Joseph said to his mother. "Maybe say goodbye to some of the other teachers."

"I hear they can't find a replacement for your position. They had someone for a few weeks but he got drafted. Apparently the Spanish teacher is pulling double duty. They really need to find someone."

"I know Italian," I blurted. I blushed and cleared my throat. "I took Italian in high school, that's all. It was hard for me for a while, but Edward helped me through it. I know it very well now."

"That's wonderful, Bella," Mrs. Cope said. "Joseph, why don't you go down there with her tomorrow and see if you can put in a good word for her with Mr. Greene?"

"Of course," he said, his finger running across his chin. "Do you have a teaching certificate?"

"No," I said softly. "I didn't mea–"

"That's all right," he interrupted, waving his hand in front of his face. "There are plenty of teachers who don't have one. It shouldn't be a problem."

I wrung my hands in my lap, shocked at the turn the conversation had taken. "I don't know..." My heart started pounding and I flushed red. I had never held a job before, even though I had practically begged Charlie to let me get one while in high school. He refused, wanting me to concentrate fully on my studies.

"Yes, you do," Mrs. Cope said.

I looked up at her and stared for a moment before realizing she was right. "All right," I said, nodding my head. "Let's do it."

My heart was still pounding and I was terrified, but there was also something like hope trying to break its way through my cloud of emotions.

The day after I met with the principal, Mr. Greene, and he reluctantly offered me the job, was Edward's and my first wedding anniversary. I spent a good portion of the day crying and missing him and thinking about all of the things I wanted for our life together. I thought about our wedding day and how happy we were, despite the specter of war hanging over our heads. I thought about our vows and how this had to be what was meant by good times and bad. But mostly I thought about the happy times we had while he was here and the things I still wanted to experience with him when he came home. If he came home.

Then instead of wallowing in my misery, I decided to channel my feelings into writing Edward a letter. It was something I did often, finding it very soothing and therapeutic, as if he was hearing my words as I transferred them to paper.

_Dear Edward,_

_Today is our first wedding anniversary. It's the only first one we'll ever have and I'm so sad that you aren't here to share it with me. We wouldn't even have to do anything. Just you being in the same room with me would be enough. I wonder if you even realize what today is or if you're too busy to remember._

_I remember everything about that day. I remember how handsome you looked in your uniform and how proud I was to walk through the hotel on your arm. I remember looking at you as I said my vows and meaning every word. I remember wanting to kiss you so badly all day and resenting the fact that there were people around us. I remember giving myself to you in our bed and feeling so complete in our love for each other. I wonder if you remember these things or if your memory is fading with all you must be doing._

_I got a job. And of all things, I'm going to be teaching high school Italian. Who would have thought after all the trouble I had with it that I would be teaching it someday? I wouldn't know it as well if you hadn't spent time helping me, so thank you for that. I guess you never really leave me, no matter how far away you are. Do you remember how you used to tutor me after school? You were so patient with me but I used to wonder why you were so tense all the time. I guess I know now._

_Things are changing so rapidly. I was back in Hawaii for Christmas; it's funny, we spent every Christmas together before we fell in love, but none since. It was good to see your parents and Alice, and Jasper was home. He was hurt at Guadalcanal but is going back. He'll be in flight school for a few weeks and then it's off to war again for him. He and Alice got engaged and she's so happy, but I see the changes in him. He was always so calm and level-headed and made everyone around him feel peaceful. Now he seems angry and restless. I hope for Alice's sake that he's still that same boy somewhere under there._

_I often wonder how the war will effect you, what you'll be like when you come home. You've already changed so much, but I know you're still MY Edward. As much as whatever you were doing would frustrate or anger you, I knew that the sweet, gentle boy I fell in love with was in there somewhere. I only hope that whatever you're doing right now doesn't kill that part of you completely._

_I miss you._

_I think of you constantly, despite my efforts to keep busy. I wonder where you are and what you're doing. I wonder if you're warm and safe and if you have anyone around you who is caring for you. Even though it makes my heart feel heavy to imagine anyone else seeing to your needs, above all else, I wish for you to be happy and content and smiling._

_It was nice to see your parents and Alice and to be around family for the Holidays, but I'm glad to be back. I'm not sure why, though. Hawaii isn't home, yet Maryland hasn't really felt like home since you've been gone._

_I wish I knew where I belonged. The only place I feel safe is with you._

_Please come home to me._

_I love you._

_Bella_

_

* * *

_

**Thank you for reading.**

**Jasper's Medal of Honor story was brief but taken from real events. Go to : http://en (dot) wikipedia (dot) org/wiki/Bruce_McCandless, to read about a true American hero. However, this is where Jasper's and Mr. McCandless' stories diverge, so there will be no spoilers contained in the article.  
**

**Huge thanks as always to my beta, Lucette21.**

**Thank you to LTR for her help with this chapter and to SR for being there for me in my hour of need. It takes a village.**

**I know, I miss Edward too.  
**


	18. Chapter 18

**Warning: There is some coarse and racist language in this chapter. It in no way reflects the way I think or feel, but was common and accepted at the time. I ask for your forgiveness and indulgence in advance. Still 1943.**

**Important news on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

As I promised myself, I got a large map and tacked it to the wall in the den. I purchased different sized tacks in varying colors to track the progress of the war.

I just wished I knew where Edward was so I could mark his location in a significant way.

The map, once it was color coded, didn't look promising. The Russians were holding on in the east, but much of Europe and the Pacific was still under Axis control. I thought back to when the United States got involved in the war and how sure we all were that it would be over in months. Now there appeared to be no end in sight.

When I told Rosalie about my new job, she insisted on taking me out for a day of shopping. She needed clothes for her new job, and she asserted that I did as well, though I thought my dresses were perfectly acceptable. Rose had gotten a job inspecting airplane parts at a factory in the next town; she had always been mechanically inclined and now, with the war taking so many of our men, she was finally able to put her skills to good use. Emmett fully supported her desire to work even though they had no need for the money. It was her way of becoming more involved in the war effort and he would never deny her that - or anything else, for that matter.

I had to be dragged practically kicking and screaming, but once we were out, I was grateful to be out with a friend and in the cool, fresh air. Ridiculous though it may have been, part of me was still waiting in the house for Edward to come home, as fruitless as the waiting was.

With strict rationing in place, it was becoming increasingly difficult to find essentials such as shoes and stockings. Most of the shoes were made of cardboard and the silk and nylon used for stockings was now being used for parachutes. Thankfully, I was able to find a good pair of walking shoes, which I would need since the school was about half a mile away and I had no car. I just hoped they would last, as getting another pair might prove impossible in a few months time. I also found a pretty scarf and decided to buy it, treating myself to something I didn't necessarily need, but really wanted.

As I was looking through a rack of dresses at Garfinkel's, Rose handed me three pairs of pants to try on. I looked down at them than back up at her twice before I spoke.

"I don't know, Rose..."

She held up her hands to stop me. "Just try them on. You don't have to buy them if you don't want to."

When I looked at her skeptically she practically dragged me over to the dressing room. Though Rose wore them on a regular basis, I had never really worn pants before. There had been the occasional pair of sweats or pajamas, but never dress pants and definitely never outside the house.

"Humor me," she said, pulling the curtain closed and leaving me behind in the small room.

I sighed, resigned to my fate. There was no dissuading Rose when she got like this.

I tried the pants on and found them more comfortable than I thought I would. I decided to stop over-thinking and just buy them. I might never wear them, but I wanted to give myself the option. It felt kind of subversive, but I found that it wasn't an unpleasant feeling. I liked the way the pants felt, Rose said they looked good on me, so why shouldn't I have them? A voice in my head was whispering that I would never actually have the nerve to wear them in public, but I ignored it. Maybe I would and maybe I wouldn't, but only I would make that decision. Besides, that would solve the problem of being unable to find proper stockings.

After more shopping than I had ever done in one day, we stopped for lunch at a small Italian restaurant.

"How are you, really?" Rosalie asked quietly after we ordered. I knew that she had been taking her cues from me in not asking how I was doing without Edward, but it looked like that time was at an end. And maybe it was time for me to talk to someone. I just wasn't sure I had the words. It hurt so much to think about it, I couldn't imagine speaking the words aloud.

I looked across the table at Rose and saw no judgment, just concern and maybe a little anxiety. She was a good friend, probably the best I'd ever had outside of Edward, and I found that I wanted to open up to her. It hadn't really occurred to me before, but I realized I was lonely. I lived alone and I had no one to talk to. There was no one to hug me when I felt sad or kiss me goodnight or hold my hand. I craved interaction and simple human contact.

"I'm...getting by," I answered truthfully. "It's hard. I spent plenty of nights without him before he left for good, but this feels different somehow. I sometimes get scared, especially at night. I check and recheck the locks on the doors and windows after it gets dark, even though I know I'm safe. It's as if now that he's gone I'm somehow more vulnerable. Strange noises wake me up constantly and I never know if they're real or imagined. I don't think I've slept the night through since he left except when I was in Hawaii. And even then I had nightmares about him not coming home." I shook my head. "I don't know...I'm trying."

"I know you are," Rose said sympathetically. "I want to tell you something. I'm proud of you. I know how much you and Edward love each other. The way you feel about each other is obvious to anyone who spends any amount of time with both of you. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, especially considering that you can't even exchange letters. I think you're holding up remarkably well."

"Thank you. Some days are harder than others. I was a mess on our anniversary. But I'm taking it a day at a time, hoping that it will get easier. "

"Has it gotten any easier? It's been over two months."

"Honestly?" I asked. She nodded. "No. I miss him so much sometimes that it's hard to breathe. I feel lonely and even when my mind is on something else, thoughts of him are always there. Some mornings I wake up, sure that his arms are around me and for a moment everything feels right. But that never lasts long." I blushed and looked down. "That sounds stupid, doesn't it?"

"No, it doesn't," she replied earnestly.

"It's been like that since he left and I can't honestly say it's gotten better."

She grabbed my hand across the table. "I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

"Me, too."

When our food came I changed the subject, asking Rose if she and Emmett were still intent on having a baby.

"Absolutely," she said. "I can't believe I'm not pregnant yet with all the trying we've been doing."

I nearly spat out my spaghetti at what she said, but started laughing when I looked up at the wicked smile on her face. She loved to shock me and I knew this was her way of trying to make me feel normal.

"It's good to see you laugh," Rose said through her own laughter.

"It feels good," I replied, looking at her open, friendly countenance. "Rose, I..." I stopped, wanting to talk to her but feeling intimidated. "I feel so stupid," I mumbled.

"You can tell me anything, you know," she said softly. "I know how close you and Edward were and I know I'm not him, but you can trust me."

I nodded my head slowly and looked down, using my fork to play with the last of the spaghetti on my plate. "I'm scared," I whispered. "I'm starting my first job in two days. I'll be in a room full of students who will be looking to me for answers I'm not sure I'll have." I put my fork down and paused. "What if they know more than I do? What if I make a fool of myself?"

"You might," she said. My head shot up and I looked at her, sure I would see her laughing at me. But she was nothing if not serious. "So what if you don't know everything? Who does? If you don't have an answer, you'll figure it out." She paused, twisting her hands in her lap. "Listen, Bella. I don't have all the answers either, but I can tell you this. The fact that you're going to get up in front of that class on Monday makes you one of the most courageous people I've ever met."

My eyes got wide and my face flushed red – I had never been good at accepting praise. Looking down, I said, "But I'm not brave at all, I'm absolutely terrified."

"Isn't that the definition of courage? Doing something despite your fear?"

I looked up at her and nodded, tears burning the back of my eyes. I took a deep breath to get myself under control as Rose continued. "You should be scared, I'd be worried if you weren't. But you'll overcome it." She took my hand and held it tightly. "I know you will. You've been so strong since Edward left and you've kept yourself together remarkably well. I know it hasn't been easy, but I don't know that I would have done any better. If you got through Edward leaving, this should be a piece of cake. Besides, the anticipation is probably worse than anything. Once you start you'll probably feel like you've been doing it for years."

I nodded again, feeling very blessed to have such a good friend and hoping I could live up to her confidence in me. "You're very kind to me and without you, Edward leaving would have been so much more difficult. I'll never be able to thank you enough for everything you've done for me."

"Don't be ridiculous, that's what friends do. You know I'll help you in any way I can." She paused, looking momentarily uncertain before continuing. "I haven't wanted to pressure you, but we could get together a couple of nights a week, especially since we can't do our mornings anymore. Emmett works a lot, so it's not like he'll miss me. Or we could meet for dinner at the coffee shop if you'd like. Just...don't shut me out. Please. I...I missed you when you wouldn't talk to me after Edward left."

"I'm sorry about that. I di –"

She held her hand up, stopping me short. "I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. It's just that...Bella, I don't make friends easily. I'm loud and obnoxious and I know I intimidate other women. I never meant to impose myself on you, or force us into a friendship. I know I can be a bit much to take."

"You didn't force yourself on me. If anything, I feel like this has been a one-sided friendship. I owe you so much."

"No, you don't owe me anything. I told you, that's what friends do. Now, what night next week should we get together?"

I smiled at her, grateful for her insistence. Perhaps I wouldn't have to be so lonely after all. "How about this Wednesday at my house?"

x-x-x

The morning I left for my first day of work was cold and cloudy, but I got a nice surprise as I opened my front door. Joseph was coming up the front steps, Mrs. Cope and a young woman remaining on the sidewalk below in between our houses.

When he reached me, he took off his cap, holding it in both of his hands. "Good morning, Bella. I just wanted to come and say goodbye. I ship out today."

"Oh," I said softly, my eyes immediately darting to my friend who I knew loved her son beyond reason. Even from here she looked tired as she stood with the girl next to her, their arms linked. "I'm glad you came by." I rested my hand briefly on his arm. "Please be careful and try to watch out for yourself."

"I'll do my best, especially since I have so much to come home to now." He glanced behind him quickly before turning back to me. "Frances said yes," he said, smiling brightly at me.

"Oh, congratulations!" I exclaimed. "Is that her, with your mom?"

"Yes."

"Well, I was just leaving. I'd love to come down and meet her."

"Really?" he asked, his smile expanding. "I'd like that."

He put his hat back on and we turned around, descending the front steps together.

Frances was a lovely girl who looked at Joseph with obvious love and admiration in her eyes and I was so happy that he would be coming home to her. She was just a little thing, even smaller than me, but despite that, she and Joseph seemed to fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. Both she and Mrs. Cope couldn't seem to keep their hands off of him, and I understood the feeling of not wanting to let someone go, of trying to remember what they felt like so you could keep it in your memory for as long as possible.

"When we're all back, I'd really be honored to meet your Edward," Joseph said as we stood on the sidewalk, Frances tucked gently into his side. "Maybe we could all go out. Frances and I are going to settle here in Silver Spring."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," I responded, meaning it wholeheartedly. I was sure Edward would love Joseph and his warm, intelligent nature, so very much like his own.

"Well," I said. "I must get going, it's my first day." On impulse, I reached for Joseph and gave him a hug. "Thank you for helping me get the job," I whispered in his ear. "Please be careful. For your mom."

"I will. Promise," he whispered back before letting me go.

I gave Mrs. Cope a quick hug, reminding her that I was right next door if she needed anything, before making my way to my first day of my first job. I turned and looked at Joseph one more time, so handsome and determined, so strong and sure of himself, and silently said a prayer for the safe return of the man who had made such a huge difference in my life in the few short days I had known him.

It took me a few weeks, but Rose was right. Once I became accustomed to it, teaching felt very natural to me. Montgomery Blair High wasn't huge, and some of the older boys had dropped out to fight in the war, but there were enough students that I had a full complement of classes. I was a nervous wreck on my first day, though I had gone over all of the material numerous times. I had never really spoken in front of so many people before and my nerves were on edge. I think I shook every time I had to speak in front of the class the first week, but I slowly found myself adjusting to it. The students were generally kind and patient with me, especially after I was honest and told them I had never taught before.

The Italian itself wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I had retained much more than I realized, but then Edward had helped me when we were still in high school. Those afternoons he would help me in his room took on new significance for me now. He used to sit as far away from me as possible and at the time, I was convinced he found me offensive in some way. It used to upset me, but now I found myself recollecting those times with fondness.

I had only four girls in all of the sections I taught, but I thought that was better than how it had been in Hawaii where it was just me in a room full of boys. One girl, whose name was Victoria, couldn't seem to take her eyes off of me for the entire first week, something akin to wonder on her face. As the days went by, I couldn't help but take an interest in her; she reminded me so much of myself. I found out from some of the other teachers that she was taking a full complement of academic classes plus all of her home economics requirements.

Despite her packed schedule, she was always energetic and happy and never failed to turn in exemplary work. She had a good friend named Alec who I saw her with almost constantly and though I didn't know their history together, they reminded me very much of Edward and me. Sometimes I saw looks pass between them that I was sure meant that they felt more for each other, but as far as I could gather, they remained just friends.

On February 1, 1943, I deposited my first paycheck into my own bank account. The sense of pride and accomplishment I felt on that day would be almost unmatched through the rest of my life.

x-x-x

The days and weeks went by. I worked. I came home. I ate a solitary dinner and crawled into bed every night where I wrote Edward a letter telling him about my day and what I was feeling. I slept fitfully and woke up alone.

My friendship with Rosalie sustained me in many ways. She was a constant presence in my life; we met at least once a week for dinner and spoke on the phone often. I exchanged letters with Alice, who was still in school but making plans to come live with me as soon as she was finished. Esme called me at least once a week to check up on me and see how I was faring. I had people around me who loved me and were concerned for my welfare, but the presence of the one I wanted most was always conspicuous in its absence.

The ache I felt from missing Edward dulled, but it never completely went away.

x-x-x

On a cold Saturday morning a few weeks after I started my job, Charlotte showed up at my door, casserole dish in hand. "I just found out. I'm so sorry," she said, striding past me into the house. "Peter's mother took a turn and he's been working so much and I just haven't been available or I would have been here sooner."

"It's fine, Charlotte," I said, smiling at her chatter, surprised she had given me an opening to speak. I followed her into my kitchen where she deposited the dish on the counter.

"So, have you heard anything yet?"

"No, and I don't think I will," I responded, pouring her a cup of coffee.

"Tell me," she said, sitting down at the kitchen table, her eyes gleaming. "Where do you think he is? He works in Intelligence, after all. He could be anywhere." She leaned toward me over the table, as if we were sharing a secret. Which we most certainly were not.

"I have no idea," I responded coolly, handing her the coffee and joining her at the table. Did she really think we were going to gossip about Edward's whereabouts?

"Oh, come on. You must have some idea. He was gone all those hours, he must have given you some indication of what he was doing."

I took a calming breath, wanting to be nice but finding myself increasingly irritated by her attitude. "I really don't. Do you know what Peter does when he's working?"

"Of course! He teaches, Bella. There's nothing exciting or mysterious about it, trust me."

"I never asked you, what exactly does Peter teach?" I asked. Her line of questioning was inappropriate and bordering on rude and I needed to change the subject before I became any angrier.

"He teaches war tactics, which is why he's been so busy lately. I think he was only home one night this week," she said, her softening slightly. She looked down at her hands, which were wrapped around her coffee mug. "His mother is getting more senile every day. She moved in with us and I can hardly leave the house because she can't be left alone. I went to the market one day a few weeks ago and I came home to find her wandering around in the backyard with no clothes on! Honestly, it's getting so hard. If I didn't love Peter so much..." She shook her head and let her unfinished thought hang in the air. "I just wish he was home more to help me with her."

"I know how you feel," I began. "But if I've learned anything, it's that you should appreciate the time you have." I smiled at her, hoping maybe my experience would somehow help her.

"My situation isn't the same as yours, Bella," she said condescendingly. "Peter's not going anywhere." She smiled at me and I clenched my jaw to prevent myself from saying something inappropriate. I had to remind myself that this was how she was and that she really had no idea what she was saying was offensive.

"Of course," I said, trying in vain to return her smile. "Tell me more about Peter's mother." I wanted to refocus her on herself and her problems, steering clear of the mine field that was the subject of Edward and his whereabouts. She quickly launched into a rundown of her life and how hard it was caring for her mother-in-law while Peter worked almost constantly. He happened to be home today and that was how she was able to visit.

Peter came knocking on the door a little later, looking for Charlotte. His black hair was windblown and his cheeks were red from the cold, but his clear blue eyes were shining and friendly, though he seemed a bit rushed.

"Hello, Bella," he greeted. "Is Char here?"

"Yes," I said, gesturing him into the house. He followed me into the kitchen where Charlotte stood to greet him.

"Char, you have to come home. I can't leave my mom alone and I just found out I have to head back to Annapolis."

"But...you said you could stay for a few days this time. I need a break from the house, Peter."

"I know, baby, I'm sorry. But I didn't start the war," he said smugly, taking her in his arms and kissing her forehead. "Duty calls."

"I know that," she said softly. "I just need some help sometimes. It's a lot to handle." I had never seen Charlotte so vulnerable and I actually felt sorry for her. She wasn't handling things as well as she would have liked the world to believe.

"Maybe during the week. I promise to try," he said before turning to me. "How are you holding up, Bella?"

"I'm doing okay," I answered. "I hear you've been busy."

"Incredibly so, but like I said, duty calls. The Japs aren't going to defeat themselves."

He turned to leave. "If you'll excuse me. Good to see you, Bella." He turned to Charlotte. "I need to leave in less than an hour," he said to her pointedly before striding through the house and out the front door.

I turned to Charlotte, whose face showed embarrassment and misery. "I'm sorry. I know it's not the same as getting out of the house, but maybe I can come over some time after work."

"Really?" she asked, hope brightening her face. "That would be so great, Bella."

"I think so too," I answered.

When she left a while later I was exhausted from her presence, but I also thought I understood her a little better. She presented a strong, even callous exterior, but was actually vulnerable and not as happy as she appeared. And perhaps the show she put on for the world was simply a way for her to mask her unhappiness. We might never be great friends, but perhaps we could help each other through this rough patch we were both having.

x-x-x

Spring was on the horizon, so it never occurred to me that the gray skies I saw when I left that morning would prove to be so ominous. The flurries started when I got to school and we were in the midst of a full blown blizzard by midday.

When I finally left school, it was getting dark and the snow was so heavy that I could barely see in front of me. I steeled myself for the frigid walk home, dreaming of a hot cup of coffee and the two chocolate éclairs that were sitting on my kitchen counter. With sugar rationed and flour in very short supply, they were a real commodity. When Rose brought them over for our Wednesday night dinner the night before I didn't ask her how she got them, I just felt lucky to have a friend who liked desserts as much as I did.

The streets were virtually deserted and the snow made walking difficult. I slipped quite a few times and it was taking longer to get home than I had anticipated. My toes were numb and my hands, despite my gloves, were painfully cold. I had worn my pretty new scarf, but it provided little protection and I walked with my hands holding the top of my coat together. The snow was almost ankle deep, it was fully dark, and I was only halfway home when a car came up the road and stopped next to me.

"Bella? Is that you?" a vaguely familiar voice called out.

I looked over to the car but the snow and darkness prevented me from seeing who it was, which left me feeling slightly unnerved. The last time I was on a deserted street things hadn't turned out well, and Edward wasn't here to rescue me this time. As the figure got closer, I let out a sigh of relief when I realized who it was.

"Hello, James." I hadn't seen him since my birthday, but even in the darkness I could see that he looked exactly the same as I remembered.

"Bella, what are you doing out here in this weather by yourself? Come and get in the car, I'll take you home," he said, gesturing over to the car. I hesitated for only a second before nodding my head and making my way into the street. It was cold and I was wet and tired and anything that got me home faster had to be a blessing. I slipped once on the way to the car, but James lightly grabbed my elbow to keep me from falling.

"You're not really dressed for a blizzard," James said once we were settled in the car and on our way.

"I know," I said, shaking my head. "I didn't realize it would snow. I'm not used to living here."

We were moving slowly, but I certainly wasn't concerned with how long it was taking, the car was warm and comfortable and I felt fortunate that James had happened upon me when he did.

"You should make sure you have good boots and a better scarf and a hat," he said, eyeing me closely. "You shouldn't let things like that go, Bella." His tone was a little bossy and I didn't particularly like it.

"My mind has been on other things," I said defensively.

"I apologize," he said quickly, correctly reading my tone. "That wasn't my place. I just want you to take care of yourself." He looked over at me quickly. "I was sorry to hear about Edward."

"Thank you," I answered quietly.

"How are you getting on without him?"

"Okay, I guess," I answered honestly, shrugging my shoulders. "Some days are harder than others. But I got a job. That's where I was coming from when you saw me."

James nodded his head, keeping his eyes on the road, but I noticed his hands tighten on the steering wheel and his eyes scrunch up at the corners. The roads were slippery and I wondered if his reaction was due to those conditions or to what I said.

"That's great, Bella. It's good to see that you're getting on with your life."

"I don't know about that. But I'm making the best of it."

"Of course, I didn't mean to imply anything," he said somewhat sheepishly. I could see his face redden just a bit in the light from the dashboard.

"That's all right," I said, not wanting him to feel badly. He had always been so nice to me and I couldn't expect him to understand where my life was at the moment when I barely understood it myself. "I'm just...I don't know..." I looked down and shook my head, not knowing how to continue. Not sure how to explain that even though I was trying to make the most of my time without Edward, I still felt like my life was on hold.

We pulled up to my house a few minutes later and as I went to get out of the car, James stopped me. "Wait, please." I stilled as he got out of the car and came around to open my door for me and help me out. The snow was deep, my ankles completely buried in white powder. James helped me up the front stairs and cleared away the snow in front of the door so I could open it.

"Thank you so much," I said. "I'd still be walking if you hadn't come along."

"It was my pleasure. I'm just glad I was in the right place at the right time." He smiled broadly at me, his eyes bright and happy.

"Me, too," I responded gratefully.

"Listen, Bella, I don't mean to pry," he said, his face suddenly serious. "But do you have someone who can help you shovel this snow? It's treacherous, especially on the front steps, and I'm concerned that you might fall and hurt yourself."

"Oh...I hadn't thought about it. I'm not even sure I have a shovel," I said quietly, wondering when new challenges would stop revealing themselves.

"Well," he said, running his gloved hand across the back of his neck. "I can look around for one if you'd like and take care of the shoveling for you."

"Thank you, but I couldn't ask y–"

"You didn't ask, I offered," he interrupted, his smile firmly back in place. "It's no trouble at all."

I looked out into the snowy street and wiggled my freezing toes, painful from the feeling finally coming back after the warmth of the car. I didn't want to be out there shoveling my front walk – even though the snow was tapering off, it was still cold out and all I wanted to do was curl up in front of a fire and get warm.

"All right," I said, nodding my acquiescence.

"Good," he said. "I'll look in the garage first and let you know if I can't find anything. I can always run to the hardware store or my house if Edward never bought a shovel."

"Okay," I said, wanting to defend Edward for some reason but deciding against it. I was cold and I was sure I would be making something of nothing. "Just come on in when you're finished. I'll make coffee."

"That would be great," he said. "Is there a key for the garage?"

I went inside, got the key, and handed it to James before retreating to the warmth of the house. It was on days like this that I missed the temperate climate of Hawaii – these extremes in hot and cold were a bit much to take.

I shed my coat, scarf and gloves, putting them on a hook by the front door, and took off my boots before making my way to the kitchen to start the coffee. I spied the two éclairs that had so enticed me before and decided to save one for James when he came in. After I got the coffee started I went into the living room, intent on starting a fire in the fireplace. Edward and I had used it rarely, but we had one back in Hawaii and I had seen both Charlie and Edward start one often enough that I thought I could do it.

I opened the flue, stacked the wood, put crumpled up newspaper on top, and lit a match. I touched it to the newspaper and pulled my hand away quickly, afraid of burning myself. I sat there in rapt attention, watching as the fire struggled to stay alive and spread to the wood. It sputtered a few times, but ultimately won the fight and I soon had a roaring fire going. I literally clapped my hands at my accomplishment, feeling so pleased that I had done it on my own the first time I tried.

I peeked out the front window to see that James had found a shovel after all and was busy clearing the front steps. I felt a little uneasy watching him, knowing his presence was foreign and out of place, but I didn't go out and ask him to stop. Selfishly, I wanted to stay warm in the house.

I sat in front of the fire for a few minutes, grateful that I had warmth and comfort and wondering if Edward was warm where he was. If he was safe and protected and was able to smile. I couldn't fathom that there were people who would want to kill my husband and take him from me because of the uniform he wore. I shivered at the thought, my blood literally running cold.

Just then there was a light knock on the door and I turned to see James poking his head through the front door. I rose to greet him and he stepped into the foyer, closing the door behind him.

"Here, come sit in front of the fire," I said, gesturing toward the living room. "I'll get you some coffee."

"Thanks very much, " he said, his nose red and sniffly. He took off his coat and boots and made his way into the living room while I went into the kitchen. As I poured the coffee I thought briefly about bringing it into the living room but that didn't seem appropriate. It was too comfortable and familiar.

I called him into the dining room and he went to sit in the chair at the head on the table.

"No!" I all but yelled as he went to pull the chair out. "I...that's Edward's chair," I followed up softly, looking down. "I'm sorry, it's just th-"

"You have nothing to apologize for," James cut off quickly, moving to the chair on the side of the table, across from where I normally sat.

I nodded and poured the coffee, taking a few calming breaths, feeling foolish at my outburst.

As we sat, his eyes lit up at the pastry on his plate. "Wow, I haven't seen anything that looked this good in a while. I went to the bakery the other day and they barely had any bread from the lack of flour." He picked it up and took a bite, chewing slowly, a smile slowly emerging on his face. "It's delicious, thank you."

I flushed and took a bite of my own pastry, pleased that I could repay him in some small way for his kindness. "It's my pleasure. Thank you for clearing the walk for me."

"It was no trouble at all," he said, sipping his coffee. "How are you enjoying teaching?"

I paused for a moment, wondering when I told him specifically what my job was. I looked up at him, his face showing genuine interest, and dismissed my suspicion. I must have told him and forgotten.

"I really like it," I said, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. "The kids seem genuinely interested and I'm finding that I know more than I thought I did. We spend part of every class talking about the war. I got a map for the room and some of the students marked where their fathers and brothers are fighting. Although I've had trouble keeping up since my radio broke."

"What happened to it?"

"Oh, I don't know. It turns on but I can't tune anything in. I'll have to try to have it repaired."

"I can look at it for you," he said quietly, finishing off his éclair.

"I couldn't ask you to ta –"

His chuckle caught me off guard and I looked at him quickly before realizing what was making him laugh and joining him.

"I guess we did just have this conversation, didn't we?" I said. "I know you offered," I said once my laughter died down. "I just don't want you to feel obligated. I really am all right on my own."

"I don't doubt that you are," he said seriously. "But without Edward here I'm sure there are a few things with which you could use some help. But I won't impose on you. I apologize."

He took one last sip of his coffee and stood. "I should be going, it's getting late."

"Oh, of course," I said, surprised at his abrupt turn in attitude. Perhaps I had insulted him by refusing his help with the radio. I hoped not. He had been so kind to me. "Thank you again for your help with the snow. I hope I didn't..." I shook my head, not sure how to finish. "I'd really appreciate it if you could come and look at the radio some time."

He smiled down at me, clearly happy that I had changed my mind. "I should have some free time on Sunday afternoon. How does that sound? And I can touch up the stairs if it snows again."

"Sunday sound great," I said. "That's very generous of you."

"It's my pleasure, Bella. I'll see you then." James put on his boots and coat and left, leaving me alone once again.

I went upstairs and changed out of my damp clothes, finally warming up. On impulse, I took a pair of Edward's pajamas and thick socks out of his drawer and put them on. I felt instantly warmed for the first time since I left school that afternoon; Edward's clothes were cozy and soft and I couldn't help but smile every time I wiggled my toes. I crawled into bed with a pen and paper and set about my nightly ritual of writing him a letter.

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm really beginning to enjoy teaching. It's not what I ever envisioned myself doing, but it's more rewarding than I ever thought it would be. There are other female teachers at the school, but I'm the only one who isn't teaching a home economics class. I guess I'm a bit of an anomaly. But then I always have been, haven't I? The only thing that kept me from feeling completely out of place in high school was your presence. I've been thinking about our high school experience a lot lately and it's as if I'm seeing it through different eyes. I always focused on your distance and your coldness, but I remember more now. I remember the looks you used to give other students who dared to question why I took the classes I did. I remember your encouraging words when the work was hard. I remember the hours you spent with me going over the more complex aspects of Italian. I remember how you held my hand on the first day because I was so nervous. I remember how you told me more than once that there was nothing I couldn't do._

_I don't want to feel like I'm getting on with my life, that I'm moving forward without you. But I know you'll understand that I can't just sit here waiting for you to come home. I don't think that's what you want for me and I realize now that it's not what I want for myself. I loved taking care of you, seeing to your needs and making you happy. And I wouldn't go back and change a minute of it, especially now that you're gone. I treasured every moment we had together. I have to find a way to not need you so much because I'm alone now and I can't crawl into bed and stay there until you get home._

_I want it to get easier. I want your absence to not weigh so heavily on me. But it does and I don't know how to make it any better. I have good days and bad, I laugh some days and cry others, but I haven't felt truly happy since you left. I don't know how to not think about you, to not long for the encouragement in your words during the day and the comfort of your body next to mine at night. I don't know how to stop wanting you. I don't know how to ease the ache I feel when I think about you. I miss your hands and the gentle way you would touch me. I miss your lips and the soft kisses you would give me. I miss your arms and the how safe I felt in your embrace. I miss your body and the way you made me feel when you made love to me. I miss everything about you and I'm afraid that I'm forgetting what it felt like more and more as the days go by._

_Lo ti amo e ti desidero sopra ogni altra cosa. Ti prego, torna a casa da me._

_Bella_

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**Translation of Bella's Italian: _I love you and desire you above all else. Please come home to me._**

**As always, thanks go to Lucette21. She's my beta and helps me organize the jumbled nonsense in my head. She really is a saint to put up with me and I wouldn't still be writing this story if it weren't for her.**

**LTR helped me make some important changes to this chapter. She's still a peach.**

**Thank you to Camilla10 for her help with my rusty Italian and to ninapolitan for being the amazing woman she is.**

**Much love and gratitude to SR, who pimps out this story so much that it makes me blush like canon Bella. I think I see a purple velvet hat and cape in someone's future.  
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**So, this isn't exactly what I had planned, but you all really do deserve a treat. Honestly, your reviews for the last chapter were some of the most thoughtful I've ever received, and for an Edwardless chapter, no less. I thought there would a be a drop off in reviews after he left, but there's actually been an increase. I'm amazed by you and I can't thank you enough for sticking with me. Review and I'll give you something extra special. If you're adverse to reviewing, send me a PM and I'll shoot it over to you. It's not really an outtake so I don't see it ever going up under **_**Finding Liberty. **_**Please forgive me if I don't get it out immediately, there are a few more of you these days. I'll do my best.**

**Voting for the Indies is open. Please read and pick your favorites. We were all new authors once and there are some hidden gems that are waiting to be found. Voting closes March 2 at midnight.**

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**See you next time.**


	19. Chapter 19

**I got a little hate from a few of you who read the outtake from the last chapter. Not gonna lie, it hurt. I wanted it to be a nice thing so I'm sorry if it upset anyone, that wasn't my intention. We've been together for 18 (almost 19) chapters and over 100,000 words. Please trust me for just a bit longer.**

**Thank you to those of you who are still with me.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.  
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On the Sunday that James came to fix the radio, it took him quite few hours to determine what was wrong with it, and by the time he was ready to put it back together, it was well into dinnertime. He was doing such a nice thing for me so I decided that asking him to stay for dinner wouldn't be too forward.

This time, when he went to sit, he bypassed Edward's chair and went straight for the one across from me. During dinner, he told me that he would need to come back to replace one of the tubes in the radio, but that he would be happy to return the following week to complete the repair for me.

"Thank you, that's very kind of you," I said, taking a sip of my water.

"You're very welcome," he said, smiling at me. "This is absolutely delicious, Bella. You're a wonderful cook. I haven't had a home cooked meal in...well, a long time." His face fell the slightest bit and for the first time, I wondered about his past. I didn't want to overstep my bounds, but my curiosity got the best of me.

"Did you grow up in Silver Spring, or were you assigned here like Edward?"

"I'm originally from New York, actually. I enlisted when I was twenty-four and was assigned here after my training. That was four years ago."

"Do you still have family there?" I asked cautiously.

I saw him stiffen a bit but his face gave away no discomfort. "Yes, some," he said, looking down and stabbing a potato with his fork. "My parents and my sister are still there. I don't get up there to see them too often. Especially now with the war. It's hard to get time away."

"Of course, I understand. You're doing important work."

He snorted and looked away. "Yeah, real important," he mumbled.

I looked at him closely, careful in choosing my next words. "Everyone's contribution is important to the war effort. You must have heard President Roosevelt say that."

He scowled darkly. "Yeah, driving arrogant, privileged officers around is vital to our national security. Sometimes I wish..." He looked at me and shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by that. It's just that I know I could do more if they would just give me the chance."

He looked so forlorn that I chose to ignore his remark about the officers he had to drive, sure he realized that Edward didn't have an arrogant bone in his body.

I struggled with what to say to make him feel better before realizing that if there was one thing I knew well, it was the Navy. "Have you asked for a transfer?"

"A while ago, yes. But it was denied."

"Why don't you try again? Things are changing so rapidly, they must need more men in active duty."

"Maybe," he said. "But I'm not so sure I want to go anymore." He was gazing intensely at me and I felt the slightest twinge of discomfort. But I had to be misreading him. He knew I was married. He had seen Edward and I together and Rose told me that the love we had for each other was obvious to everyone. It had to be to him, too. My inexperience with the opposite sex was becoming painfully obvious to me and I was worried that I was misinterpreting his behavior and his words.

"Well," I deflected. "If you decide you want to go, I'm sure they could accommodate you."

"You're right," James said, his face back to being jovial. "Perhaps it's something to think about."

I let out a breath and looked down, wishing I didn't always feel so inadequate in these situations.

x-x-x

The first day of spring fell on a Saturday, and Mrs. Cope was at my door bright and early that morning.

"I'm cleaning today, Bella, and you know what they've been saying. Reuse and recycle. I have a few things I think you might like. Why don't you come for lunch and we can have a look?" she asked. She seemed happier than she had since Joseph left and I marveled at her good mood.

"I would love to come for lunch, thank you," I said, feeling happy that I would have some company for the afternoon. Weekends were sometimes lonely for me.

"And I've had my first letter from Joseph!" she said happily. "He can't tell me where he is, but he sounds just fine. You're welcome to read it if you'd like."

I waited patiently for the disappointment that Edward and I couldn't write each other to hit me, but surprisingly, it never came. Shaking off my errant thoughts, I looked at her and smiled. "That sounds lovely. What time should I be at your house?"

"Come by around noon," she said, turning and walking down the front steps.

Joseph did indeed sound fine in his letter, and as I sat at Mrs. Cope's table and read it, I couldn't help but smile. He was looking forward to marrying Frances and settling down, to buying a home and continuing his career in teaching. His optimism was almost contagious and I looked forward to Edward and I getting to know him and Frances better some day.

After a lunch of cold turkey sandwiches and iced tea, Mrs. Cope showed me some items she no longer needed. She had some pretty tablecloths and matching linen napkins that I liked, but I thought there was little else I could use. Until I looked up and spotted a rocking chair sitting in the corner of her living room. Before I could help myself, I had already mentally placed it in the perfect spot in the corner of my bedroom.

Mrs. Cope must have seen me staring because she asked me if I'd like to take it home.

"Oh, no. Mrs. Cope, that's –"

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Shelley?" she asked good-naturedly. "Now, please. We never use this old thing and it needs a good home. Felix can carry it home for you," she said with finality. I didn't want to say no, because I really liked it, so I decided to be gracious.

"Thank you, Shelley. It's really perfect, I love it. Do you think Felix could tell me how to get the white paint off? It will match better with my furniture if the wood is its natural color."

"Of course! He's not the best handyman, God love him, but he can give you some pointers. Now that that's settled, let's pack up these linens for you. Felix will bring the chair over when he gets home."

Along with the chair, Felix came over with some good advice, liquid paint remover, and tools which would help in the removal of the paint, including a wire brush and something that looked like a little spatula. I took everything and set it on the back porch, deciding to wait until it got a bit warmer to take on the project since Felix warned me against using the chemicals inside.

A few weeks later, with spring in full swing, the students in my classes seemed to be happier and have more bounce in their step. Everyone, that is, except Victoria.

She was absent for a few days and when she came back, she was noticeably sad and withdrawn. I tired to ask her about it but she ran out of the classroom every day before I could catch her. I asked around and found out that her father had been killed in the Solomon Islands. She wasn't the first of my students to lose a loved one, but for some reason I felt her loss more acutely than the others.

When she failed to hand in her homework about three weeks after she came back to school, I asked to see her after class. I noticed Alec hesitate in the doorway, waiting for her, until she told him she would catch up with him in the next class. He looked briefly at me and then back at her before nodding his head and walking away.

She stood at my desk, looking anxious and sad, her head bowed. "Have a seat," I said, motioning to the chair next to my desk. "Why didn't you hand in your assignment?" I asked after she was situated.

Still looking down, she mumbled, "I forgot."

"You forgot?" I asked. "How is that possible? I reminded the class yesterday." I looked down to try to capture her eyes, but she kept her head low. When she didn't answer me, I plowed ahead. "Victoria, did you forget or was there some other reason?"

A single tear escaped her eye; she quickly wiped it away but remained silent.

"Is there something going on at home that you'd like to talk about? It can stay just between us."

Her head shot up and her eyes opened wide, something like hope in her gaze. "I don't know..."

"It's all right. I promise it won't leave this room if that's what you wish."

She looked down again and bit her thumb nail briefly before apparently deciding I was trustworthy. Her words came in a rush and I had to strain to understand her. "Daddy was killed in the war and my mom is having trouble taking care of me and my little brother. She had to get a job and when she's not working, she's in bed. Riley's only six and can't do much for himself. I have to give him a bath and feed him his dinner and help him with his homework. I make sure the house is clean and I do our laundry and shop for groceries. And sometimes I just don't have the time to finish my homework." She paused and took a deep breath, still looking down. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Cullen. I'll try to do better."

My mind was whirling from all she had just revealed, but my overriding emotion was sympathy. Why should one so young have to deal with adult responsibilities? I shook my head, amazed at the wide swath of destruction left by a war that was being fought so far away. And by the strength of this sixteen year old girl.

Maybe I couldn't go to her house and do her laundry, but I could let her know that she wasn't alone and that I understood her grief. "My father died in the war, too," I said quietly. She finally looked at me, hew eyes wide and her mouth open. "He was at Pearl Harbor." I paused, letting my revelation sink in. "I miss him every day and my life hasn't been the same since he passed away."

She started crying in earnest now and I moved my chair closer to hers so I could take her hand in mine. I sat quietly, letting her cry, understanding the roller coaster of emotions that came with losing a parent.

Her tears slowed after a while and she wiped the hand I wasn't holding across her nose. "I just haven't been able to keep up. Alec said I should take some time off from school but being here feels...I don't know," she sniffed, wiping her nose again. "Normal, I guess."

I understood looking for something to keep you grounded in the midst of chaos. I had used Edward, and thoughts of him while he was away, to get me through Charlie's death. Victoria was using school. I thought she was doing a remarkable job keeping herself together, even better than I had done.

"Only you know what you need right now. But I'd like to give you one small piece of advice. Don't keep too much inside. You have people who care for you. Take advantage of the help they're offering. You don't have to go through this alone."

"What did you do?" she asked.

Lying to her would do no good. I suspected she had people around her telling her to move on and stop crying, to keep a stiff upper lip. I wouldn't be a member of that chorus.

"I cried a lot. I slept. I shut out everyone who was close to me." I shook my head. "But I regret how I handled it. I thought that no one could possibly understand how losing my father effected me. And maybe they wouldn't have, but I should have at least given them the opportunity to try. If nothing else, it would have been nice to talk to someone." I paused to let my words sink in. "Do you think there's someone you could talk to? Alec, maybe?"

She looked up at me and nodded. "I'll try."

"And give your mom some time. Everyone deals with grief differently. Do you have a relative or an adult who you can ask for help?"

"My Aunt Kate lives a few blocks away. I just...I didn't want anyone to see my mom like this."

"I know, but you can't keep this up. You can't deal with your own grief, take care of your brother and your mother, and expect to keep up in school. That's too much for anyone to handle."

She nodded to indicate that she heard me, but said nothing else. She didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave and break our connection, so I sat there with her silently for a few moments, letting her dictate what would happen next.

A few minutes later I went to take my hands away, but she held onto me, her fingers running over the charm on my bracelet. "That's pretty. Where did you get it?"

"My husband gave it to me," I answered quietly, fearing her next question.

"Is he in the war?

"Yes," I said, looking up at her. When we talked about the war in class, I never spoke of Edward. My students talked about their fathers and their brothers, their uncles and cousins and friends. But I never once mentioned Edward or Charlie or Jasper or Joseph. I didn't tell them about the boys from home who were already dead and the ones who were still in harm's way. Those were my worries and not meant to burden these children who already had so much to worry about.

I realized, in talking to my classes, that there were many families who had no idea where their loved ones were and who hadn't heard from them in months. Many had family members who were listed as missing in action and they might never have closure. I wasn't alone, nor were my problems unique in these times.

She looked at me for a moment before turning her eyes back down to my bracelet, running her fingers across the engraving on the heart. "Is he..." She trailed off, as so many people did these days when asking about men and war. I decided to make it easy on her.

"I'm not sure where he is right now."

She looked at me again and nodded, releasing my wrist before standing up and grabbing her books. "I hope he comes home to you," she said, hugging her books close to her chest. "Thanks, Mrs. Cullen."

"You're welcome, Victoria. And please remember that you can talk to me any time." I smiled reassuringly at her, hoping she would at least take some of my advice. Hoping that as deficient and inept as I felt sometimes, that maybe I was able to help her in some small way.

After school that day, I saw her walking away from school with Alec, his arm around her waist. Her head was on his shoulder and I had hope that she would let him take some of her burden.

Before going home, I took a detour to the grocery, wanting to pick up a few things for the weekend. Mr. Allen was in a subdued mood, which was odd considering the beautiful weather. It had gotten into the high sixties and the weekend outlook was even better.

"I saw a couple of military vehicles in town today," Mr. Allen said cautiously as he totaled my bill.

My heart sputtered in my chest. A telegram was coming.

"Have you heard..." I trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

He shook his head. "No, no" he said hurriedly. "No idea yet. I just thought you'd want to know."

I nodded and mechanically finished our transaction, my mind on Edward and the telegram that was coming.

I walked home slowly, afraid that the car would be outside my house, waiting for me to come home so they could tell me that Edward never would.

I turned the corner onto my street and the breath left my body.

There was the long black car idling in front of my house. I stood rooted in place as a young man in uniform got out of the car, telegram in hand. He looked up at my house, then at Mrs. Cope's.

For what felt like an hour, but was more likely mere moments, he looked from her house to mine and down at the telegram, confirming its intended recipient.

Finally, he started walking, and made his way up Mrs. Cope's front steps.

No.

Not Joseph.

I moved forward slowly, praying the news was that he was missing or hurt. Anything but what we all feared the most. When I made it to the front of my house, I heard an unearthly cry emerge from the house next door just as the young man delivering this life altering news made his way back to his car, his face blank.

I dropped my grocery bag on the ground and made my way to the house, where I found Mrs. Cope on her knees, the telegram clutched in her hand, deep sobs wrenching themselves from her throat.

"No! Oh, God, no," she cried over and over.

She didn't look up at me as I made my way to her, her cries or despair ringing in my ears. I knelt next to her and she let me put my arms around her, but I wasn't even sure she knew I was there. She was shaking so badly and her cries seemed to come from somewhere deep within her. I held tight, knowing there was nothing I could do to bring her son and only child back to her, but wanting her to know, somehow, that I was there and that she wasn't alone.

Felix came home a few minutes later, rushing through the door, his eyes falling on the scene before him. He didn't have to read the telegram. He knew.

"Oh, Shelley," he said softly. "Not our boy."

I let her go and stood just as Felix made his way to her. He took her in his arms and as his tears started to fall, I left the house quietly.

When I got home I let my own sadness overtake me, my mind turning to Joseph. He had been so kind and giving and self-effacing. I thought the world would be a little less bright without him in it. I thought of his sweet Frances and the wedding they would never have, the house they would never buy, the children they would never have together, and I wondered how she would cope with this loss. I had already lived through the death of the person closest to me, but I had Edward and our life together to look forward to while I was mourning Charlie. The thought of losing Edward was more that I could handle, because I wasn't sure I could survive without the belief that he would come home to me. At least I still had hope.

In my letter to Edward that night, I poured out everything about Victoria, about Joseph and Mrs. Cope, and even about James. I wanted him to know everything that happened in my life while he was gone. No detail was too small or insignificant for me to share with him, and I would do this every day from now on. I would give him an account of everything, just as I would if he was here with me. If the experiences couldn't be shared as they happened, perhaps they could be understood and appreciated in the retelling.

When James finally came back with the part to fix the radio, it was a few weeks later. He had been busy and couldn't get time away, something I understood very well from my life with Edward. Still, I was grateful that he was able to fix the radio and for his company. It was nice to not feel so lonely for a little while. I had my job and my Wednesday nights with Rose, but I still craved human interaction. I visited Shelley and Felix almost daily, sometimes bringing them food or some flowers to brighten their suddenly dark house. They were coping as best they could, but sometimes their sadness was almost stifling. I was really looking forward to Alice coming to stay, even though it would only be for the summer. I wouldn't be teaching and even though we lived in difficult, serious times, part of me was anticipating just being a teenager for a while. Alice could help me do that better than anyone I knew.

I was so pleased to have my radio back that James and I listened and chatted about the news while we ate dinner. I had been keeping up through the newspapers, but there was something satisfying about having an up to the minute account of the war.

The British were making inroads in North Africa. Winston Churchill had recently addressed a joint session of the U.S. Congress, praising our partnership. U.S. war planes were bombing sites in Italy, including Naples. The Soviets had retaken Stalingrad. And the U.S. finally took control of Guadalcanal after long months of fighting.

All in all, things were looking up, although we still had a long way to go.

When we were finished eating, James stood and picked up his plate.

"That was a wonderful dinner, Bella. Allow me to help you clean up."

"Oh, that's not necessary. You've already done so much for me."

"It's no trouble, I like doing nice things for you," he said, looking down.

I knew he was just being kind, but cleaning up after dinner and doing dishes was something I did alone or with Edward. It felt out of place and foreign to be doing it with someone else.

"Look, I'm sorry," he said, his voice suddenly hard. "You made dinner and I thought I would help clean up. If it's a problem, I can just leave."

"No, no. I'm sorry. It's just...forget it. Let's get started."

I shook off my concerns. It was immature and silly to think that I could only clean dishes with one person. He was trying to be helpful and I was acting like a child.

After we finished the dishes, I went to take out the garbage but James took it from my hands and insisted on bringing it out back.

"Is that your rocking chair?" he asked when he came back in the kitchen.

"Oh, yes, I got it from my neighbor. I was going to strip the paint off and refinish it but I haven't gotten to it yet."

"I used to do some carpentry work. I could help you," he suggested hopefully.

I was torn. Every time James offered to help me, I initially refused, causing him to feel badly, which eventually made me change my mind. It seemed like we were in this cycle and I needed to decide if I was going to stop it, and how.

I looked at his kind face and soft eyes and made my decision. Edward had never liked other boys around me, but that was his possessive, jealous nature. James had never been untoward with me and perhaps he was just a little lonely, like I was. He knew I was married so there was no chance that he would try to make more of the relationship than simple friendship.

"That would be lovely, thank you," I said. "I'm sure I've been putting it off for so long because I'm a little intimidated. It seems like such a big job."

"Don't worry, I'll teach you everything you need to know," he said, his happiness at my acquiescence apparent in his tone and in his face. I was glad to have made him happy.

A few weeks later, the rocking chair was about halfway finished and I decided to do a little spring cleaning of my own. As I was emptying out the cabinets in the kitchen, I noticed I still had the casserole dish that Charlotte had brought over weeks ago. I hadn't seen her since and felt a little guilty since I had promised to visit her. She could be overbearing, but she had been kind to me and I thought she must have been going stir crazy in that house. I put a light jacket on since the air still had a chill in it and hunted around for my pretty new scarf, but I couldn't find it anywhere. The last time I remembered seeing it was the night of the snowstorm and I was convinced that I had left it on the hook by the front door, but it was nowhere to be found. Deciding to leave without it and look for it later, I grabbed the dish and walked across the back yard to her house, enjoying the midday sunshine.

When Charlotte opened the door her eyes were puffy and watery, her nose was red, and she was clutching a ragged tissue in her hand. I stood there staring for a moment, fearing the worst. She gestured me in and I handed her the casserole dish, waiting for her to tell me what was making her cry. I followed her into the kitchen where she put the dish down and turned to face me.

"He was cheating on me."

"I'm sorry?"

"Peter. All those nights away," she sobbed. "He was with a mistress."

I didn't know what to say so I took her hand a led her over to the kitchen table where she sat heavily in one of the chairs.

"I had no idea," she said. "I feel like a fool."

"How could you know?" I asked, sitting across from her. "He told you he was working and you believed him."

"Yes, well, my trust turned out to be misplaced, didn't it?" she sniffed. "I can't believe he would do this to me. While I was here nursing his mother! How could he?"

I had no answers for her; I had only met Peter a handful of times and he seemed perfectly nice, if a little smug. Maybe I was as poor a judge of character as she was.

"When did you find out?" I asked.

"Two days ago. I found a box of receipts in his closet. He was keeping her in an apartment in Annapolis and taking her out to dinner and buying her expensive gifts. She got a gold necklace last Christmas. You know what I got? A pair of gloves," she said bitterly. She paused to blow her nose. "I confronted him with it and there was no way he could deny it. I told him to get out and take his mother with him. I have no idea where they went."

She cried quietly for a few more minutes while I held her hand, saying nothing. What was there to say?

"I'm going to divorce him," she announced. "He said he was sorry and that he would stop, but I don't believe him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I deserve better than that."

"Yes, you do," I assured her. "But are you sure that's what you want?"

Her eyes grew wide as she stared at me. "What would you have me do? Take him back into my bed after what he did? Would you forgive Edward if he was with another woman?" she asked incredulously.

"I..." I didn't want to think about that. Not with Edward gone from me for so long with no word. I couldn't think of him with another woman. But I knew the answer to her question. "No, I don't think I could," I said softly.

The thought of Edward with another woman made my stomach turn. Then again, he kept a similar schedule to Peter and I had no idea what he was doing for those hours and days he was gone. Now he had been gone for almost six months without a word. I looked over at Charlotte's puffy eyes and sad expression and stopped thinking about myself. She was the one whose husband was keeping another woman, this wasn't a time for me to be thinking about myself.

"I've made up my mind. I don't trust him. He betrayed me and our marriage vows," she said forcefully. Then, in an abrupt turn, she started weeping in earnest. I held her hand tighter, understanding the mood swings associated with grief.

"I'm scared," she said softly after a few minutes. "I've never been on my own." She looked up at me, her eyes wide. "How do you do it?"

I sat up a little straighter, surprised that she was asking me for advice. She had always shunned my attempts to help her in the past. "I don't really know," I answered honestly. "I just do. I don't have a choice."

"Sure you do," she sniffed. "You could have gone back to your family in Hawaii or you could have sat around and wallowed, but you didn't. How did you..." She let her question hang in the air, but I knew what she meant.

I thought about it for a minute before answering her. "I was raised by my father to believe there wasn't anything I couldn't do. I lost sight of that after he died. I'm trying to remember it, though."

"I haven't always been nice to you. I'm sorry for that. I think I just never understood you. You always seemed so strong and sure of yourself."

I stared at her for a moment, surprised not only at her honesty, but at her sudden change in attitude toward me. "I'm not that strong," I whispered.

"You don't see yourself very clearly at all do you?"

"I'm not..."

"You are." Her tone left no room for discussion.

I shook my head, not ready to deal with the truth I heard in her words. "So what are you going to do now?" I asked, wanting to deflect her attention.

"I have no idea," she responded.

We spent some time talking about her future, though it was apparent that she wasn't ready to make any decisions. The wounds left by Peter's betrayal were still too raw for her to make any major life changes. We parted, promising to see each other soon.

As I lay in bed that night, suddenly all of the hours Edward worked while he was here and the incident with Jane started to eat away at me. If Charlotte could be so easily fooled, why couldn't I? I liked to think that Edward was completely trustworthy, but seeing him whisper in Jane's ear kept replaying in my head on an endless loop. I remembered how earnest he was in his denials that he had any interest in her. But if not her, could there have been someone else? I thought back to when Edward had tried to put us in a different position while we were making love and how it had scared me and I had ruined our evening. I knew there must have been women out there who did that, and more. What if he grew tired of the same thing all the time and went out looking for some variety? Or what if he got lonely while he was away and decided to seek out some female companionship? I knew firsthand just how much Edward enjoyed making love and I couldn't imagine that he wasn't getting the urge, wherever he was.

I wanted badly to believe that he would never betray me. Everything in our life together led me to believe that he wouldn't. He was sweet and gentle and had never lied to me, as far as I could tell. I remembered very vividly something he told me the night of my birthday.

_"I may not do everything right, but I've only ever wanted you."_

I hoped that was still true, even though we were separated. That he wasn't tempted wherever he was. That the six months we had been apart hadn't changed his commitment to our marriage and how he felt about me. But I truly had no way of knowing one way or the other.

He had been gone for so long.

I fell into a fitful sleep that night, more so than usual, and was plagued by dreams.

_"I love you," Edward groaned, his beautiful, familiar face above me._

_I could feel him moving inside me. My legs were wrapped around his hips and I was arching my back, wanting more of him._

_"You are so beautiful," he said, burying his face in my neck, snaking his hands under my back to hold me close, our bodies slick with sweat._

_"Edward," I moaned, loving the feel of his body moving with mine. I was sure that I would never feel as close to him as I did at that moment._

_I could feel the pressure building, leading me toward something I'd only ever experienced with Edward._

_I grabbed his hair in my hand and brought his mouth to mine, wanting more..._

I woke with a start, sweating and throbbing between my legs. I twisted and turned in the sheets, the remnants of my dream leaving me aching for some relief.

I wanted Edward. I wanted him to touch me and kiss me and love me and make me feel good.

But I was, as ever, alone.

It occurred to me then that perhaps I didn't need Edward. That maybe I could make myself feel good. I wanted to try – the ache between my legs was so intense that I felt like I may cry if I didn't do something.

I touched myself lightly, not exactly sure where the source of my arousal was.

I found it and gasped at the feeling I was creating. I moved slowly, just as Edward would, and I found my hips moving in time with my fingers.

I closed my eyes and imagined Edward next to me and his strong, graceful fingers touching me.

I moaned as my fingers moved faster, images from my dream and my memory vivid in my mind.

I saw Edward above me, next to me, the love he had for me in his gaze so pure and overwhelming. I saw the way his body moved with mine so perfectly, the rhythm our bodies created evoking moans from both of us.

I closed my eyes tightly as I climaxed, focusing solely on an image my mind conjured up of Edward's face.

I lay there, breathing hard and coming down from my orgasm, when the realization that I was alone made my heart ache. I wanted Edward here. I wanted _him_ to touch me, to make me feel good, to hold me afterward. But I was alone in a big, empty, cold bed.

I reached over to the other side of the bed, searching in vain for the comfort that wasn't there.

I clutched at my pillow, overwhelmed by loneliness and a deep pain in my heart. As my tears fell and sobs wrenched themselves from my throat, I wondered how much longer I'd be alone and if I'd ever feel complete again.

Once my tears subsided I pulled out the book I had bought a few weeks ago where I was now writing my letters to Edward. I had already written him before bed that night but I needed him and this was the only way I could feel connected to him.

_Dear Edward,_

_I just had a dream about you. That's not unusual, but this one was different. I'm not sure if it was memory or fantasy but it made me ache with wanting you. You've been gone for so long and it still hurts every day. I want you here with me and I feel so lonely without you. I'm trying, I really am. But I'm so sick and tired of not knowing. You could be anywhere, doing anything and here I sit, waiting for you to come home. It could be years before I see you again. And how will we have changed in that time? People don't just stay the same. They evolve and grow and I wonder if we'll have to get to know each other again when you come home._

_The rest of my life is so fulfilling. I have a rewarding job and good friends. I feel as strong as I have in a long time. But when I think about you, I feel empty inside. As if something vital to my survival is missing._

_You've been gone for so long. I'm so afraid that I'm forgetting what it was like to be with you, to have you touch me and love me and hold me._

_You need to come home to me because there's no one else for me. You're a part of me and I will never feel complete in this life if you're not here with me._

_I've lived and survived and made the best of my time without you, but I'm so afraid. Afraid that you will never come home and that I'll always feel this emptiness without you. Afraid that you've been gone so long that you'll forget too. Afraid that my life with you is over before it's truly begun._

_If I've ever been completely sure of anything in my entire life, it's that I love you beyond words, beyond measure and beyond anything I ever thought possible._

_I will wait for you. Forever, if I have to. _

_Always,_

_Bella_

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**If I took the time to describe all the ways that Lucette21 helps me on a daily basis, it would take paragraphs. Suffice it to say that she is more to me than a beta, though she performs that function thoroughly and admirably.**

**Thanks to LTR for pre-reading and giving me her honest thoughts and feedback. She wrote a beautiful one shot for the Twilight gift exchange called **_**24 Hours**_**. Link in my profile.**

**I've been getting this question a lot lately (I wonder why). There are approximately five chapters left in the story. Maybe six. Plus a Smut Monday outtake that should post early summer.**

**Patience is a virtue and will be rewarded.**

**See you next time.**


	20. Chapter 20

**There is a scene contained in this chapter in which it's implied that a pregnant woman is drinking alcohol. Please remember that this story takes place in 1943 and don't yell at me.**

**Thank you to those of you who are still with me.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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On a beautiful Saturday afternoon in the middle of June, James and I put the finishing touches on the rocking chair. We had spent a few weeks on it and I thought it was perfect. The white paint was gone and it was stained a nice brown, matching my bedroom furniture almost exactly. I was excited to have finished and couldn't wait to see it in the bedroom.

I made us an early dinner, which we ate while we waited for it to dry. It was something of a ritual with us; he would come over on a Saturday or Sunday, we would work on the chair for a bit and then I would make us dinner. We would eat and talk about the war or the work we did on the chair. They were enjoyable afternoons and I appreciated his company; he made me laugh and feel less lonely on the days he was in the house. I considered him a friend and hoped he felt the same about me.

After dinner, I excitedly went outside with James to check and see if the chair was dry. I was practically bouncing in anticipation and happiness.

"I think it's dry. Where do you want it? I can carry it for you."

"Oh, in the bedroom. That's where I've always seen it. Upstairs, first door on your left."

"Aren't you coming?" he said, picking up the chair by the arms and walking toward the stairs.

"In a second. I bought a cushion for it and I have to remember where I put it."

I eventually found the cushion in the dining room under the window seat and made my way up to the bedroom.

James had placed the chair in the empty corner, where I had always pictured it, but as I stood in the doorway looking into my bedroom, I quickly realized my mistake.

James was standing in the middle of the room, staring at my unmade bed. He had a confused look on his face, which I understood once I saw Edward's pajamas carelessly thrown across the top.

It made me uncomfortable in the extreme.

"Is everything all right?" I asked, wanting to make my presence known.

He turned to me, his face reddening. "Yes...no...I'm sorry. It's just that those are men's pajamas."

My face reddened right along with his and I could have kicked myself for allowing this to happen. "They're Edward's," I stated simply.

"Pardon me, this is inappropriate. I should mind my own business," he said, but he continued. "It's just that...you wear Edward's pajamas? I don't think my wife would have ever done that."

I opened my mouth then closed it quickly, not sure where to go from here. Finding out James had been married was a revelation, but I had a more immediate concern. He was staring at my bed, where I slept with my husband.

I looked up at him and saw a look on his face that I had never seen on him before, but I knew it well. Edward wore it often; it was a look of blatant desire. I felt me heartbeat accelerate and my stomach churn and I realized that I needed to get out of this situation, and fast.

"I don't..." I shook my head, my face reddening further. "I think we should go back downstairs."

"You're right. Pardon me again."

"That's all right," I said, turning to leave the room, more than a little unnerved by his reactions and the obvious look of yearning on his face. And about all the things I didn't know about him.

I decided maybe it was time to take a step back from my relationship with James. Alice would be here any day and his behavior in my room had bordered on inappropriate. The chair was finished and we really had no reason to see each other anymore. I would miss his friendship, but in that one instance in my bedroom, it became apparent that he felt so much more for me than I did for him. I just had to find an opportunity to tell him.

Later that week, I was still considering how to approach James when I noticed Victoria stalling after class. She was in my last class of the day and sometimes stayed a bit to talk. It wasn't always about anything important, but she seemed to trust me, which pleased me a great deal.

She told me recently that her mother was starting to pull herself out of her black mood and that her Aunt Kate had been helping when she could, which sounded like it was fairly often. Victoria seemed much happier and less burdened than she had just a few weeks prior.

"Can I talk to you about something, Mrs. Cullen?" she asked after the rest of the students had filtered out of the classroom.

"Of course you can."

"Did you go to college?" she asked, sitting down in the chair next to my desk.

"No, I didn't. I had plans to, but the war happened, I got married and then..." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Your husband didn't want you to go," she finished for me.

"Oh, goodness, no. He was my biggest cheerleader, after my father. No, it was more a matter of motivation." I paused, wanting to tell her the truth, but not exactly sure what that was. I searched for a moment before finding the words. "I was raised by my father; I never knew my mother. After he died, I felt like everything in my life revolved around my husband. He was like a lifeline. The only thing grounding me." I shook my head at the memory. "So I dedicated my time to him and making us a home. Taking care of him made me happy."

"You don't regret it?"

"No. Absolutely not."

"But..."

"I know. But I think he needed me more than I wanted to go to college, and part of me really wanted to take care of him. Being with my husband gave me a sense of love and security and a certain fulfillment that I needed at the time. He encouraged me to go, but I simply wasn't ready. I can always go when the war is over and he comes home."

She nodded but I wondered if she really understood.

"Why do you ask?" I questioned.

"Well," she said, her fingers twisting in her lap. "I want to go, but..."

"But..." I prompted.

"I don't know. I'll be a senior next year, but I'm not sure I'm ready to take such a big step."

"You have some time to decide. But why don't you think you're ready?"

She was anxiously twisting her fingers again. "I don't know. My mom and Riley might still need me, and Alec..."

"Alec..." I prompted, a small smile on my face.

"Um," she said, her face reddening. "We kind of...well, he's going to enlist when he turns seventeen next year, and he asked me to wait for him."

I paused, considering my next words carefully. I was happy to hear that Alec had asked her to wait for him, since they so obviously cared about each other. I didn't want to be a hypocrite, but I also didn't want her to unnecessarily sacrifice her academic career. It would be easy for her to use Alec as an excuse and not make the difficult choice of furthering her education. I briefly wondered if maybe I had made the easy choice instead of the right choice when I decided to forgo college, though I thought I made the right decision at the time.

"Can't you wait for him and still go to college? The University of Maryland is practically right here in town," I said, focusing back on Victoria.

She nodded her head slightly and bit her thumbnail. "I could, yes. But...I don't know. I just feel like I can't have both."

"Of course you can. Is Alec supportive of your desire to go to college?"

She nodded her head vehemently. "Oh, yes. He wanted us to go together but decided to join the Marines instead. I wish he wouldn't, though."

"I know how you feel, but you have to let him follow his own path."

"Don't you miss your husband? Isn't the waiting terrible?"

"Yes, it is. But he's worth the wait." Her line of questioning was a bit confusing. I wasn't sure if we were getting to the heart of the problem. She could easily go to school while Alec was away.

"I don't want him to go," she said softly. "What if he doesn't come home? Like my dad."

How could I tell her that I had the same fears? That thoughts of Edward not coming home kept me up nights, pacing the floors relentlessly, wondering where he was and what he was doing - and if I would ever see him again? I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to make her feel any worse than she already did.

"If he's going to follow his own path, shouldn't you do the same? If he does go, you're going to worry about him. That's just part of being in love, I think, and there's not much you can do about it. But if you go to school, you'll be using your time apart wisely and perhaps if you keep busy enough, the waiting won't be so bad."

"Is that what you do?"

"Yes, now I do," I answered honestly. "Thanks to some people in my life who encouraged me. I'm doing something I love and I have good friends and a supportive family. I wish my husband was here, but I'm trying to make the best of my time without him."

She nodded and bit her lip. "You think I can go to college? I know I'm a girl, but do you think I can keep up?"

I thought that maybe now we were at the root of why she was hesitating about her decision to go to college. After years of being told that girls weren't as smart as boys, she was doubting her abilities.

"Of course you can. Being a girl doesn't mean you can't do anything boys do. And do them better. If you want it, you'll make it a priority."

"Could you..." She looked up at me, her eyes wide and unsure. "Could you help me?"

"Of course I can," I assured her. "I'll do anything you need me to do."

"Thanks," she said, looking down. "I really want to go. And maybe become a teacher, like you."

I immediately felt my eyes well up with tears. That I could inspire a young girl to want to make something of her life was more than I ever could have hoped for when I started this job. I thought I needed to make money and bide my time until Edward got home, but maybe it could be more than that. Maybe Victoria wouldn't be the last girl I helped.

"You can be anything you want to be," I said firmly. "Don't let anyone tell you differently."

She nodded her head and collected her books. "Thanks, Mrs. Cullen. I'll think about what you said."

After she left I started gathering my things and lamenting the end of the school year. It would give me too much time to think. I would have to find ways to keep Alice and I occupied.

"Mrs. Cullen?"

I turned from packing my books and saw Mr. Greene standing in the doorway, holding a piece of paper.

"Hello, Mr. Greene. Can I help you?"

"I hope so," he said, walking over to my desk. "How would you feel about coming back next year?"

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, smiling. "I've been really happy with your work. And the students seem to like you. I wasn't sure at first. You had no experience and well, I've never had a woman teach a language class. But I'm impressed."

"I'd love to, thank you," I said happily, so excited that he was asking me back. I was already looking forward to next year.

"Thank _you_, we'll be glad to have you back. Oh, and the secretary asked me to give you this," he said, handing me the slip of paper and turning to leave the room. "You had a phone message."

"Thank you," I said, quickly unfolding the note, hoping it might be news of Edward. But my hopes were quickly dashed. It was from James. Under his name was a phone number, but nothing else. I wondered what on earth could have possessed him to call me here, of all places. I slipped the note into my purse, deciding to wait until I got home to return his call. It was Wednesday, which meant Rose was coming over and I wanted to get home as soon as possible so I could start our dinner.

I walked out of school at four o'clock to find Rosalie waiting on the front steps, practically jumping up and down in excitement.

"I'm having a baby!" she practically shouted.

I ran to her and hugged her tightly. "I'm so happy for you!"

"I told Emmett, but he has to work, so since it's our regular Wednesday, I thought we would go out tonight and celebrate instead of going to your house."

"That sounds like a great idea," I agreed. "Where to first?"

"I have the car. Let's go shopping and then we'll have dinner," she said happily. She was so excited that I couldn't help but share her enthusiasm.

I wrapped my arm around her waist as we walked to the car. "When are you due?" I asked.

"January fifteenth. There's so much to do. Will you help me?" she asked, a bit of a tremor in her voice.

"Of course," I said as we got in to the car. "I'll help you in any way I can." She had always been there for me when I needed her and I was happy to return the favor.

After spending a few hours shopping for maternity clothes and admiring nursery furniture, we found a small pub and stopped for dinner.

"Is Emmett happy?" I asked after we ordered and had our drinks.

"Happy is an understatement," she said, beaming. "He's over the moon. I don't think I've ever seen him as happy as he was when I told him. He practically..." She trailed off and looked at me sadly. "I'm sorry," she said. "I wasn't thinking. Does this bother you?"

"Does what bother me?"

"Me talking about this. With Edward gone I didn't know if this would upset you."

"Oh, Rose. No, I'm so happy for you," I assured her. "Edward being gone is...it's my life now. His birthday is next week and I have no idea what he's doing or who he'll be with." I shrugged my shoulders. "I miss him constantly and the pain never really goes away. But you talking about having a family doesn't make it any worse. I'm really happy for you," I said, smiling, hoping she would know that my feelings were truly genuine.

"You're a good friend," she said softly, tears gathering her eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with me," she said, wiping the tears away and laughing. "I cry at everything lately."

"Don't worry about it," I said, joining in her laughter. "I want to hear everything about the baby and I promise it doesn't make me sad."

We spent the rest of the evening chatting and eating as Rose went into graphic detail about how she felt and what she expected to happen for the rest of her pregnancy and during childbirth. I had never heard someone speak so freely about the process and it made me a little nauseous. It sounded a bit messy and very painful. Despite that, I knew somewhere inside of me I had the desire to give Edward children some day. I just hoped we would have the opportunity.

I let Rose do most of the talking, as happened often with us. I didn't mind; I loved listening to her and I tended to shy away from talking about myself. Rose seemed to respect that and took the bulk of the responsibility for our conversations. I trusted her completely and when I did have something to talk about, she always listened attentively and gave me good advice. I told her a bit about school and I often spoke to her about Edward, but I didn't mention the time I spent with James. I somehow thought she would disapprove and I didn't want to be scolded.

Rosalie dropped me off at home with promises of more shopping that weekend. I told her she could borrow Alice when she got here, since she enjoyed shopping and wouldn't complain like I did. I looked forward to the three of us spending time together.

The house was dark when I walked in, and I felt a slight shiver run up my spine, despite the warm temperatures. As I shed my coat in the foyer, I brushed the feeling off and flipped on the light before making my way to the dining room.

The dining room was slightly illuminated by the light in the foyer and I screamed in surprise when I saw a figure sitting calmly in my dining room.

In the dark.

In Edward's chair.

James.

I was shaking as I reached for the light and turned it on.

James stared impassively at me, my missing scarf in his hand.

"How did you get in here?" I asked, my voice trembling.

He held up the key to the garage and I was momentarily confused until I remembered that I had given it to him to look for a shovel the night he picked me up. And stupidly, I had never gotten it back.

"You shouldn't be here," I said, trying to make my voice as strong as possible.

"I got promoted today, Bella. I wanted to take you out somewhere nice to celebrate. I even called you and left a message at your school. Didn't you get it?" His voice was flat and almost completely devoid of emotion. I think it scared me more than his anger would have.

"I'm sorry," I said slowly. "But I had plans with my friend Rosalie. I would have called you back after I got home."

"But I thought..."

"You thought what?" I asked, slowly lowering myself into the chair next to him. "I'm married, James."

His head shot up and for the first time, I saw real anger light up his eyes. I recoiled, truly frightened by its intensity.

"He doesn't deserve you," he spat. "You did so much for him and he never appreciated you."

My fear was quickly mixing with some anger of my own. What did he know of my husband and our marriage? "My marriage is none of your concern," I stated firmly, though my heart was hammering in my chest. "That's between Edward and me and has nothing to do with you."

"The first time I met Edward, all he did was talk about you," he began, as if I hadn't spoken. "The whole way from the airport to your house he couldn't stop telling me about how beautiful you were and how he couldn't wait to see you. It was almost as if he couldn't contain himself. And then when we got here, it was so clear to me that the feeling was mutual. I remember that it was freezing outside, but that you came running out of the house without a coat on. Even though it was dark out, I could plainly see how happy you were to see him."

I let him continue, not knowing what to say, and it seemed like he wanted to get this off of his chest. So I let him.

"Do you remember the next time we saw each other after that?" he asked rhetorically. I shook my head.

"It was the middle of the night. I was so surprised to find you awake and offering me coffee, but I shouldn't have been. You were taking care of your husband, just like a wife should be able to. It was something I was never able to have with..."

He shook his head as if to clear it.

"Every time I would see you, you were doing caring, sweet things for him, but after that first night, he didn't want to talk anymore. Not about you, especially. I tried a few times but he would tell me that you were none of my concern. Even on his birthday, after the party you had for him that was ruined. I tried to express concern, but he pulled rank on me and told me that I shouldn't be asking about a superior officer's personal life. I felt so sorry for all the times I had to take him away from you. It was all so unfair to you, especially what happened on your birthday."

"Now just han–"

"No," he said forcefully, stopping me short. "I know what I saw. He took you for granted and he hurt you. You didn't deserve that. He didn't appreciate you and you're everything a good wife should be." He paused before adding softly. "Everything I want in a wife."

I took a deep breath, trying to slow my pounding heart. I wasn't afraid of him, not really, but the situation was volatile and anything could happen. I knew I needed to tread carefully.

"James," I said softly. "I need you to understand something. Edward is my husband and I love him. What goes on in our marriage is between us and I don't feel like I should have to explain it to you. But I will tell you that Edward has always appreciated me and any problems in our marriage were created by both of us. I'm far from a perfect wife and if I've learned anything, it's that marriage takes work."

He was shaking his head, his mouth in a grim line. "He hurt you. He made you cry. He left you to live alone and you were forced to get a job. He has had everything handed to him and he doesn't appreciate any of it. I could never understand how this kid could have everything I ever wanted and so easily treat it like it was worth nothing."

"Stop it," I interrupted, practically growling. He looked startled and I plowed ahead, angry with him and his assumptions "I don't know what you think you know about Edward, but I won't allow you to sit here and speak ill of him. You seem to be under the misapprehension that he's some cocky, callous kid who treated me poorly. Nothing could be further from the truth. You created a picture of my life with Edward based on a few observations. How much do you think you didn't see?"

He blinked rapidly at me, but I didn't see the understanding on his face that I was looking for.

"James, I love Edward. I need you to understand that. He's my husband and my best friend and when he comes home, we're going to resume our life together."

"But I could take care of you. You wouldn't have to work. He's not here now and what if...what if he doesn't ever come home?"

I knew that I created this through my weakness and naïveté and it was up to me to put a stop to it. Now.

"Edward will be home. But if by some chance he doesn't come home, then that's it for me. I won't love anyone else, and you deserve someone who can love you back."

He looked at me then, so forlorn and lost. "Maybe, someday –"

"No," I interrupted softly, shaking my head. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if you felt like there was something more here than friendship. But Edward is the only one for me."

He nodded, the hand that wasn't holding my scarf resting on his mouth, but made no move to get up.

"Tell me about your wife," I said softly, hoping to take his focus off of me.

He hesitated for only a moment before he spoke. "She was…I loved her so much. She was so beautiful and kind and she didn't deserve the life we had. I wanted to give her better.

"My father was a carpenter, and there was never a question of me following him into the family business. He owned a successful furniture shop. When the depression hit he was able to stay open for a while, but by the time I met Sarah, we were barely hanging on. I stayed with him though; he was my father and the furniture business was all I knew.

"Eventually we got to a point where Dad and I weren't even drawing a salary; what little money we made went right back into the business so we could try to stay afloat.

"Sarah was so understanding. From the minute we got married, it was obvious that I wouldn't be able to support us. But I saw no way out; I couldn't abandon my father and work was so difficult to come by. So she went out and found work. Her mother was employed as a domestic for a wealthy family uptown and was able to get Sarah a position in the household as a laundress. I hated that she had to do that. She should have been able to stay home and take care of us. I should have been able to provide for her."

He took a deep breath before he continued. His voice was low and sad and his pain was almost palpable.

"She had to walk all the way uptown to work, and most days I would walk with her and then pick her up. I didn't like her on the streets alone, especially with all the shanty towns that were popping up in the city. She came home so tired every day and I would have given almost anything to make her life easier. To give her the home and the children that she wanted.

"It was March...I didn't think..."

He looked up at me, so obviously pained by what he was about to say. I sat there and waited, not wanting to pressure him to talk about something so obviously distressing for him. Eventually he continued.

"Dad got a large furniture order. It was the first we had had in months and with it, we would be able to keep the business open. I told him I would be in after I walked Sarah to work, but he insisted that without employees, we would have to work as much as we could to get the order fulfilled in time. So I let her walk by herself.

"We were in the back of the shop. I didn't realize it was snowing until it was too late. Once we left, it was well past midnight and the snow was so deep. Sarah had left that morning with nothing more than a light jacket and she wouldn't have been protected from the elements. I ran home but she wasn't there, so I went to find her."

His eyes began to well up with tears but he put his hand up to hide them from me. A moment later he moved his hand to his lap, where my scarf was resting, took a deep breath, and continued.

"I found her three blocks from home, still walking. I picked her up and carried her home. She was so cold and wet. I gave her a hot bath and put her into bed, but it was too late. She caught pneumonia and died three weeks later."

He fell silent and stared off into space, lost in his thoughts. He eventually cleared his throat and continued.

"I joined the Navy the day after the funeral. I couldn't look at my family, especially my father. I didn't want any reminders of what I had lost. Of what I couldn't prevent from happening. I should have done more for her. I should have been a man and provided her with a proper home."

Now I understood why he stared at me when he saw me with Edward. I understood why he scolded me to get proper winter clothes and why he looked angry when I mentioned my job.

He saw in me all the things that he wanted for her. He was convinced that he lost her through his own failings and wanted an opportunity to right the wrong he thought he had perpetrated.

He wasn't a bad person, he was just looking for something he lost and wanted desperately to get back.

"I'm so sorry," I said sadly. "I can't imagine what you've been through."

"It was four years ago and I still can't...I thought..." He stopped and ran a hand across his face. "You and Edward had everything I wanted Sarah and I to have, and when I saw you hurting, when I thought he was throwing it all away, it made me angry."

"I understand, but Edward and I have known each other all our lives. I understand him better than anyone and he would never purposely hurt me."

He nodded as if he understood, but didn't say anything else.

"I can't replace her. I can't love you the way you want to be loved. I'm with the person I'm meant to spend my life with."

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I just thought...I don't know what I thought. I'll leave you alone."

He left quietly, placing my scarf and the key on the chair behind him.

I felt like a fool for not seeing his feelings sooner, but I was also grateful that it hadn't gone any further. I knew that the situation could have been much worse and that I was lucky to emerge unscathed.

I wearily got up and made my way upstairs, slipping on Edward's pajamas before crawling into bed.

I was up for a long time, wondering what my life would be like if I lost Edward forever. Knowing in my heart that I would be as incapable of moving on as James seemed to be.

x-x-x

Alice finally arrived at the end of June after wrapping up school and getting together everything she needed. She would be staying until the end of the summer and I was so excited to have my friend around again.

Jasper had finished flight school and was on active duty somewhere, but Alice was keeping a positive, optimistic attitude.

"I can't believe you've been living here by yourself for so long," she said over dinner the night she arrived.

I shrugged. "I don't have much of a choice."

"Of course you had a choice. Why didn't you come home?"

Home? "This is my home now," I said simply.

"Is it?" she asked. "You spent your whole life in Hawaii and you've been here for a little over a year."

"Yes," I said. "But this is where I live with my husband."

She nodded and furrowed her brow, but didn't say anything else about it.

"I'm glad you're here now, though," I said, truly meaning it.

I had missed her and everything I left behind in Hawaii, even though it wasn't really my home anymore.

x-x-x

July fourth fell on a Sunday and there was a celebration at a park in town. There were streamers and balloons, food vendors and a band, and though we were patriotic and in a somewhat celebratory mood, everything was tempered by the war and missing loved ones.

Alice and I met Rosalie and Emmett at the park and spread out a large blanket and a picnic lunch.

"Hey, Emmett," I said, rising to embrace him.

"How are you holding up, kiddo? I'm sorry I don't get to see you as often as I'd like, but Rosie tells me you're doing okay."

"I'm managing," I said. I looked up at him and asked the same thing I asked every time I saw him. "Anything?"

"Sorry. I still haven't heard anything," he said sadly. I wondered for the first time if maybe he missed Edward too.

"Thanks," I said softly, smiling at him to hide my perpetual disappointment.

I sat on the blanket and turned to Alice. "You remember my sister-in-law Alice, don't you, Emmett?"

"Of course," he said, tipping his cap. "Pleasure to see you again, ma'am."

Alice giggled and blushed. "Just Alice, please"

"Sure thing, Alice," he said, smiling at her before dropping to the blanket next to Rosalie. He put his arm around her and kissed her temple softly, making me feel a little melancholy. It wasn't that I begrudged them their happiness, I truly loved them and was happy that they had each other. But I couldn't prevent myself from feeling jealous when they were affectionate around me. I didn't want to feel it, but I didn't seem to be able to stop it either.

Edward had been gone for so long that I almost forgot what it was like to be married to him. Our time together almost seemed like a dream.

Alice must have seen me looking sad because she moved closer to me and grabbed my hand.

"You put up a good front, you know," she said softly so only I could hear her.

I nodded, knowing it would do no good to lie. "I miss him. It's been so long."

A tear escaped my eye but I quickly brushed it away.

"You're doing so well," Alice said with conviction. "Better than I ever would."

"She's right you know," Rosalie said. She was suddenly next to us, but Emmett was nowhere to be found. "You're doing so well. I can't imagine how you must feel. But you know what, it's all right to feel sad, especially with us."

I nodded but didn't allow myself to wallow too much. I had been sad about this for a long time, and no amount of crying and complaining was going to change my situation.

"My mom is sick with worry," Alice said after a while.

"Really? She never seems it when she calls. She always sounds so cheerful."

"That's because she doesn't want to worry you. But her son has been out of contact for months, and her daughter is alone and far away from her. And if you think for a second that Mom doesn't consider you one of her own, you're sorely mistaken."

First Emmett and now Esme. Of course there were other people who missed Edward.

"How about you?" I asked Alice.

"I miss him more than I thought I would. We were never very close, but he's my brother and I love him. It's harder with him and Jasper both gone."

"Do you know where Jasper is?" Rose asked.

"No, but I got a letter right before I left Hawaii. He said he would try to keep writing but that it's not easy where he is now."

"Where's Emmett?" I asked, looking around.

"He went to get me something to eat," she said, smiling.

"How are you feeling?" Alice asked.

"Good," Rose answered. "The morning sickness has passed, now I'm just hungry all the time."

Just then, Emmett came back with a tray of food and we opened our picnic basket. The park was getting crowded and I saw some familiar faces; Victoria and Alec stopped by to say hello, Shelley and Felix settled on a blanket next to ours and I saw countless students of mine with their parents. It was a deceptively normal setting for such an extraordinary time.

As we walked home that night after the small fireworks display, I wondered if I was getting used to my life without Edward, and if maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

x-x-x

The summer days passed slowly, but Alice and I kept each other busy. We spent some time at the beach relaxing, but Alice also joined me as I resumed my volunteer work at the Red Cross. We wrapped bandages at the hospital and packed care packages for POWs. We saw films and kept track of the war on my map. I wrote my daily letters to Edward and continually wondered where he was and what he was doing.

Alice joined Rose and I for our Wednesday night dinners, which expanded to include Fridays now that Rose had left her job due to her pregnancy and school was out for the summer. We had a good time and I was grateful that Rose and Alice got on as well as they did, especially considering how different they were.

We also spent time shopping for the baby and for Rose. There were still shortages of many materials, but we were able to find a good, sturdy crib and some decent maternity clothes for Rose. After our first shopping trip together, we went back to my house for dinner, and it was then that I realized just how well we were all going to get along.

We had bought a couple of bottles of wine while we were out, ostensibly for cooking, but we decided to drink one with dinner. Rose was taking it easy, since wine made her a bit nauseous, but Alice and I drank almost the whole bottle during dinner.

Once dinner was over we made our way into the living room with our second bottle of wine. I knew I was a little drunk, but I was enjoying the feeling. I only remembered being drunk two other times, and both were with Edward when we were in New York for the wedding.

"That dinner was fantastic, Bella," Rose said, rubbing her stomach and lowering herself onto the couch. "I can't seem to stop. I'm going to be nice and round by the time the baby comes."

"I'm sure Emmett won't mind," Alice said kindly.

I laughed out loud. "Oh, no, he won't," I said, smirking at Rosalie. I could see Alice looking from me to Rosalie.

"Are you talking about...sex?" she asked, whispering the last word as if it was dirty.

"Yes," Rose whispered back, laughing. I couldn't help but join in – Rose and Alice were so different, especially when it came to taboo topics like sex. I thought I existed somewhere in the middle.

I looked over at Alice and could see her wheels turning.

"Ali?" I asked, not laughing anymore.

"We did it," she blurted.

"Did wh...oh!," I cried, realizing what she was talking about.

"And..." Rose said, turning her hand over, indicating Alice should continue.

"It was just a few times, after we got engaged," she said, taking a deep breath. "I don't know...do you like it?" she asked, looking at me.

"Oh, God yes," I said, blushing as I realized what I said, but giggling as the alcohol took control of my brain. I cleared my throat and looked down. "Why, didn't you?"

"I liked it...well, after the first time. That just hurt. But...I don't know. Am I missing something?" she asked, looking almost pleadingly from Rose to me.

"If you have to ask, then you most definitely are missing something," Rose said confidently. "Didn't it feel good?"

"Yes, sort of," she said softly. "I mean, I love him and I know there's no one else for me and I felt really close to him when we were doing it. But...I don't know. It felt nice, but I wonder if there's something...more."

"Um...well..." I looked over at Rose, who had an amused expression on her face, no doubt finding my struggle funny. I scowled at her and turned back to Alice. "Did he...touch you at all?"

"Of course, Bella! I mean, we were...you know, making love."

"That's not what she means," Rose said "She meant...did he touch you...there," she asked, looking down pointedly.

"Oh," Alice said. "Um...no. Should he have?"

I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my lips; I couldn't believe I was having this conversation. "Not necessarily, it's just that it can feel really...nice. And satisfying." I looked at her closely. "Do you know what I mean?"

"I think so," she said, furrowing her brow. "Kind of like when he...finishes, but for me instead."

"Exactly!" I said, taking a sip of my wine, relieved that I didn't have to say the words aloud.

"Oh. I thought that...I don't know," she said, shaking her head.

"You mean you've never had an orgasm?" Rose asked plainly.

Alice's face reddened and she shook her head, laughing nervously.

"Look," Rose said. "It'll get better. I don't think anyone's first few times are all that good. Well, mine were, but I think I'm the exception." She was smiling and had a twinkle in her eye and I believed her when she said how good it had been.

"Do you...I mean..." Alice rolled her eyes and looked at me. "You know what I'm asking."

"Not every time," I said, understanding her perfectly. "But almost. I can only recall a handful of times that Edward didn't make sure I was...taken care of. And most of those times it was me who stopped him, not the other way around."

My face was flaming red and warm as I said the words, but the alcohol was making my tongue loose. "Edward's hands are just...they're strong, but gentle at the same time. They made me feel so good, even if he was just holding my hand or touching my shoulder. I think maybe his touch is what I miss most," I said sadly, looking up at Alice. "Oh, God, Alice, I'm sorry, I forget that he's your brother sometimes."

Alice and I both laughed, cutting some of the tension in the room created by my confession.

She waved a hand at me and took a swig from her glass. "Oh, please. That doesn't bother me anymore. Things just happened so fast between you and it took some getting used to." She took a deep breath, then looked at me and at Rose before finishing off her glass of wine. "So, should I wait for him to do something, or should I tell him about...touching me?"

"Well, I don't know Jasper as well as you do, but I'm not sure Edward would take kindly to being told how to satisfy me. I think men like to be in charge of those things."

"That they do," Rose said. "You may get to a point where you're comfortable enough to ask for what you want, but I'm not sure that's a good idea right off the bat." She turned to me. "What did you do, Bella?"

"What do you mean?"

"How did you ask Edward to touch you?"

"I didn't have to," I said, shrugging. "He just knew."

"But what if he never does it?" Alice asked.

"Honestly, I don't really know. I've never been in the situation. Edward already seemed to know so much more than me before we got married. I'm pretty sure your dad had something to do with that. Your mom talked to me about some of this before Edward and I got married, and I'm sure she'll do the same with you. Just pretend to be surprised."

She giggled drunkenly and agreed to act her part. "Okay, well, I guess I can be patient," she said. "We have a long life ahead of us."

x-x-x

The prospect of victory began to look up that summer. In July of 1943, the Allied armies began the invasion of Sicily and targeted Rome for bombing raids. The Soviets were beginning major offensives in the east and Benito Mussolini was removed from power in Italy in August of that year. The Allies were winning major victories in various campaigns in the Solomon Islands. There were still heavy casualties to mourn and defeats to lament, but progress was being made on all fronts.

Hope that the war would be over soon could be felt everywhere. And maybe that would mean that Edward would be coming home.

It was a good summer. But all too soon, Alice was ready to go home and I had to start getting ready for the new school year.

I hadn't heard from Edward in ten months.

A few days before Alice was scheduled to leave, I ran over to school to get some lesson plans I had used the prior year. I felt like I was ready to do my own, but I wanted a guide to work from.

I walked back home, thinking about being alone again when Alice left and dreading it.

I walked in the door, wondering if I should ask her to stay, when I was met with her stoic face as she sat on the stairs just outside the foyer.

She was holding an envelope in her hand.

"This came while you were out," she said, her voice trembling.

A telegram.

I felt the tears begin as I took it from her hand and made my way to the living room. I sat down on the edge of the couch but made no move to open it. As I sat there and stared at it, I realized that the direction of the rest of my life could very well be contained in this plain envelope.

Alice came and sat down next to me and put an arm around my shoulder. I was shaking so badly that I couldn't make out the words on the envelope.

"Do you want me to open it?" she asked, her voice suddenly calm.

I looked over at her, her face composed and with a strength that I never knew she possessed. It gave me the will to do what I had to do.

"No," I said, my voice breaking. "I can do this." I took a deep breath and opened the envelope.

THE NAVY DEPARTMENT REGRETS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR HUSBAND LT. EDWARD A. CULLEN WAS SERIOUSLY WOUNDED WHILE IN SERVICE TO HIS COUNTRY. FURTHER DETAILS TO FOLLOW.

* * *

**Thank you to my beta, Lucette21, who always knows what I mean, and then helps me make sure YOU know what I mean.**

**Thank you to LTR for prereading thoroughly and honestly.**

**I broke my streak of answering every review with the last chapter. I apologize if I didn't get to yours, but please know I read and appreciate every single one.**

**Barring the apocalypse or my muse going on strike, the next chapter will be up on April 12****th****. I know the wait for the next one is going to seem longer than most, so I thank you in advance for your patience.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Thank you for your patience. I'll let you get to it.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

* * *

I walked slowly toward the hospital room, so afraid of what I would see, yet anxious to lay my eyes on the face I loved so much and hadn't seen in so many long months. I yearned for his smile and his touch; to have his strong arms wrap around me and hold me close; to feel his soft lips on mine and hear his gentle voice. I wondered briefly if he would look different and if his experiences would be easy to read on his face. But I knew that it wouldn't matter. I loved him and he loved me and he was home now. Nothing else mattered.

Alice was with me, but I asked her if I could go in alone first. After I opened the telegram five days ago, the first thing I did was call Esme, who wanted to fly to Maryland immediately. Alice and I convinced her that it would be wise to wait until we knew more before she made any travel plans, but we decided to delay Alice's return home until we knew more details. After we hung up the phone with Esme, I called Naval Intelligence.

They very typically gave me the run around, so I eventually became frustrated and asked to speak with Emmett. They wouldn't put me through to him, but Rose had him call me as soon as he walked in the door at home. Once I told him about the telegram, he promised to find out what he could.

He had few details when he called me back a couple of hours later, but he was able to tell me that Edward was currently in England and that the Navy seemed intent on getting him out of Europe as quickly as possible. He had no other details but promised to keep me updated on anything else he learned.

I spent an anxious five days waiting, calling the Navy and speaking periodically to Emmett until the call finally came.

Edward was home.

So here I was, staring at the hospital room door, about to see my husband for the first time in almost a year. The person I wanted more than any other was finally within my reach and I was nervous and excited and a little afraid. I had butterflies in my stomach and my heart was hammering in my chest.

When I finally worked up the courage to push the door open, my breath caught in my throat and I felt tears well up in my eyes, overwhelmed at the site before me.

It was him. He was really here.

There was a nurse next to his bed and she looked up at me and smiled as she held Edward's wrist in her hand.

"Are you a relative?" she asked kindly.

"I'm his wife," I said softly, making my way over to his bed.

I walked over to him slowly. I told myself that it was out of fear of waking him, but it was also because I was afraid of what I would see on closer inspection.

Every finger on his left hand, save for this thumb, was in a splint. His skin was deathly pale and he was so thin that his cheeks were hollowed out. His hair was long and in disarray, his breathing seemed labored and he had cuts and bruises on his cheeks and on the bridge of his nose. He had stitches on his chin and on his forehead.

He looked so beaten.

And he was still the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen.

Just then the doctor came in and I tore my eyes way from Edward to introduce myself. He was younger than I expected, but he was kind and compassionate and I quickly found myself confident in his abilities.

"He hasn't been here long," Dr. Gerandy began. "But it's obvious your husband has been through major trauma. We don't know exactly what happened and the higher-ups are mum about the details, but we can tell a few things. The fingers on his left hand were dislocated and didn't heal properly, but his right hand is fine."

"He's left handed," I said absently, as if that explained anything.

He nodded before continuing. "We reset them to see if we could get them to heal and function the way they're supposed to, but we won't be sure it worked until the splints come off. He's dehydrated and malnourished and he has deep bruises all over his body. There's scarring on his chest and back, though we're not sure what caused it. Apparently, from what I was told when he got here, he barely had a pulse when he was found. I don't know what he's been through, but it was severe."

My brain was surprisingly functional and my voice oddly calm as I questioned Dr. Gerandy further about Edward's condition.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the tube that was running from Edward's uninjured hand to a bag that was suspended from a pole next to his bed.

"IV fluids. We need to rehydrate his system, but that should come out by tomorrow."

"How long will the healing process take?"

"It won't be easy, but he should probably be able to go home in a few days; because of the nature of his injuries, there's not much we can do here that you can't do for him at home. But I'm concerned about his hand. He's going to need therapy, but even then it may not be completely successful."

"Therapy?" I asked, my eyes drifting back to Edward.

"Yes, almost like he's going to have to relearn how to use his hand. He's going to need practice and a lot of patience. It's a process called physical therapy. We can do it here or we can set him up with exercises that he can do at home. They can be as simple as squeezing a ball and as complex as typing on a typewriter."

"He plays the piano," I said, his mention of the typewriter reminding me of Edward's gift with music, though I hadn't heard him play in years.

"That would be a great way to get his fingers functioning properly again," Dr. Gerandy said. "But let's see how the fingers look after the bandages come off before we come to any decisions. If we were successful, there's no reason he shouldn't have full use of his hand relatively quickly. In the mean time, he's on medical leave and will be until I clear him for active duty."

I nodded in understanding, relieved that he wasn't downplaying Edward's injuries to placate me like a hysterical housewife. "Is he unconscious or sleeping?" I asked.

"He's sleeping; he has been since he arrived. He's not in a coma, but his body has been through major trauma. It's all part of the healing process. We'll know more when he wakes up." He looked quickly at his watch. "If you'll excuse me, Mrs. Cullen, I have other patients to see. Please stay as long as you like."

I nodded and thanked him for his help, and as he and the nurse made their way out of the room, I sat down on a chair next to Edward's bed and stared at his face. I moved a lock of hair off of his forehead. It felt brittle and dirty, so unlike I remembered.

He seemed to be struggling through every breath he took and lips were dry and cracked. I longed to do something, anything to ease him. I took his uninjured hand in mine and threaded my fingers through his, feeling an odd calm come over me. He was gravely ill and had obviously been through unspeakable things. But he was alive. And here with me. I would help him through this and we would come out stronger on the other end.

I kissed the top of his hand and squeezed it lightly.

"Bella," he mumbled. And the tears that had been threatening since I walked in were suddenly unstoppable. I rested my head against the side of his bed and cried until I had no more tears left.

He didn't wake up the whole first day except for twice, briefly, but he wasn't lucid and mumbled incoherently in Italian. Alice waited with me for hours until I finally sent her home in a taxi. There wasn't room for the both of us to spend the night in Edward's room and I wasn't leaving him.

I laid my head down on the side of his bed that night and held his hand, uncomfortable, but more content than I had been since he left.

"Bella?"

I picked my head up and blinked through grogginess and the sunlight streaming through the windows. I focused on Edward and was finally able to look into those expressive, gentle green eyes I had longed for.

Except as I gazed at him, his eyes seemed dull somehow, as if the color had faded and changed. There was no spark, no life, as though he didn't have a beating heart in his chest. And the love I was used to seeing was replaced by something that looked like fear.

Had I done something wrong?

"Edward," I said, smiling and reaching out to touch his face.

His eyes were soft for a moment, filled with the love I had been yearning to see. But very quickly, they turned hard and cold. My smile faltered and my chest began to ache as he flinched away from my touch. I pulled my hand away quickly, fighting the tears that threatened to fall at his rejection.

I took a deep breath and tried to smile again, remembering that he had been through severe physical, and possibly mental, trauma and that we hadn't seen each other for almost a year. I was still holding his hand and told myself that was enough for now and that maybe he just needed some time.

"Where am I?" he asked, his voice hoarse and raspy.

"You're in Bethesda, at the Naval Hospital. You've been here for a couple of days," I answered softly.

He nodded slowly and took his hand from mine to rub it across his face and then put it back down on the bed, close to mine, but not touching. He looked briefly at his injured hand then at the IV next to his bed; anywhere but at me.

"Are you...all right?" he asked softly. His voice had an edge to it I couldn't identify but it made me shiver in response. He looked at me briefly before averting his eyes.

"I'm fine," I answered, my voice cracking, a forced smile on my face. "Just worried about you."

He nodded slightly, but didn't say anything else. He stared up at the ceiling, a blank expression on his face. We sat there silent for a few minutes and I felt despair creeping into my heart. I once again bit back my disappointment and concentrated on the fact that he was here, even if he wasn't touching me like I longed for him to.

"Maybe I should get the doctor," I mumbled, getting up from the chair and making my way out of the room. I couldn't stand the tension anymore and I was having trouble hiding my anguish at his behavior. This wasn't how I pictured our reunion at all. There were no declarations of love, no long, comforting hugs, no sweet kisses. There was discomfort and unhappiness and a distance that I couldn't understand.

When I got into the hallway, I put my back against the wall outside his room and sank to the floor, burying my head in my arms. I told myself not to cry. That it was just the beginning and maybe he was feeling strange at being home after so long. I took a few deep breaths but I couldn't will the tears away. They fell silently from my eyes for a few moments until I felt someone come and sit next to me.

"Is he that bad?" Alice asked, a tremor of fear in her voice.

I picked up my head and wiped my tears with the backs of my hands. "No," I assured her, sniffling and shaking my head.

"So what's wrong?"

I just shook my head and tried to stem the tide of tears. "I need to go find a doctor," I said, rising and choosing not to answer her question. I had no answers to give her.

I left Alice sitting there and went to the nurses' station to tell them that Edward was awake. They located Dr. Gerandy and we went into Edward's room together where we found him sitting up in bed and staring off into nothingness.

"How are you feeling, Lieutenant?" the doctor asked.

Edward turned to us and looked at the doctor speculatively before replying. "Tired. Thirsty. Just about every part of my body hurts, especially my hand," he said, lifting his bandaged hand as if to make the point. "And I'm cold."

"The pain is to be expected. I'll have the nurse come in and give you some painkillers and extra blanket," the doctor said, scribbling something on Edward's chart.

"Your father is a physician." It wasn't a question.

Edward nodded.

"He called me and I spoke to him about your injuries. I did it as a professional courtesy, I hope that's all right."

Edward just nodded again. "That's fine."

"There's scarring on your chest and back. Can you tell me how it happened?"

If it was even possible, Edward's face became paler and more ashen, and he started to tremble. "No," he whispered.

"The bruises?" Dr. Gerandy asked.

Edward shook his head.

I grabbed his hand. I was going to comfort him whether he wanted me to or not. The pressure I felt back from him was so slight that I hoped I wasn't imagining it, but his shaking subsided considerably.

"Okay," the doctor said. "Your hand injury is healing. I assume you know that your fingers were dislocated. The bandages and splints should come off in a few days and then we can start you on physical therapy. After that, there's really no reason to keep you here. You can heal as well at home as you can here as long as you come in for regular checkups so we can monitor your progress, especially your weight."

When I looked at Edward I could see the fear in his face, though I wasn't sure if it was because of the information about his injuries or the news that he was coming home soon.

"Do you have any questions?" he asked Edward.

"My left side hurts when I try to move."

"Your ribs are bruised. That should subside in a day or two," Dr. Gerandy assured Edward before turning to me.

"How about you, Mrs. Cullen?"

"No," I said meekly, suddenly afraid of Edward's reaction to anything I might do or say.

We sat there in silence after he left, and I could feel Edward's hand twitching to let go of mine, so I eventually released his hand. It hurt, but he looked almost relieved when we lost contact, making my stomach twist in knots and my head hurt in an effort to hold back the tears.

The nurse came in and gave Edward two little white pills and draped a warm blanket over him. After she left, I felt uncomfortable and awkward, which just fueled my unease and sadness.

"Alice is here, would you like to see her?" I asked, suddenly remembering her presence.

He looked surprised, but pleased. "Yes, I would."

He smiled when she walked in and my heart broke. He hadn't smiled for me once.

She ran up to him and threw herself in his arms and he hugged her back, laughing at her antics, but wincing in pain.

He let her go gently and she kissed him on the cheek.

"Mom's been so worried," she said, perched on the side of his bed. "You should call her. It was all Bella and I could do to convince her to stay home until we knew more."

"She doesn't have to come all the way here," he said to her. "I'll make sure I call her when I can, but can you do it in the meantime? Tell her I'm fine and I'll speak with her soon."

"Of course, I'll do it when I go back home tonight," she said, suddenly turning to me. "Oh, Bella. Mr. Greene called and wanted to see if you knew when you were coming back to school."

"I don't have an answer for him," I said softly, looking out the window.

"Are you in school?" Edward asked, his voice even but containing a hint of surprise.

"I teach," I responded, turning to look at him.

"You should go back," he said, still avoiding my eyes. "I'll be fine."

I let out a short breath, sure that the hot tears I felt forming in my eyes were about to fall. "There's nothing more important than you," I responded, clearing my throat, trying in vain to rid it of it's tightness. I turned back to the window, not wanting to be watch him actively avoid my gaze anymore. "I'll be here for as long as you are."

"So, big brother," I heard Alice say. "You look terrible. What happened to you?"

Leave it to Alice to treat Edward as if they had just spoken yesterday. I turned to Edward, curious as to what he would say.

"I can't talk about it, Alice," he mumbled, looking down. "Just don't ask, okay?"

"Okay," she responded. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No, I'm just tired," he said, lowering the bed so he was laying flat. "I want to get some sleep."

"Oh, okay," she said, rising from the chair and looking at me.

"Why don't you head home," I suggested. "It's getting late as it is."

"What about you? You can't be sleeping well in this chair."

"I'll be fine," I said.

"You should go," Edward said. I knew that tone in his voice. He didn't want me here, and as much as I wanted to stay, I was weary from his rejection and coldness. Maybe a night away wouldn't be such a bad thing. He was in good hands and maybe things would be better tomorrow.

"All right," I said, gathering my things.

Alice leaned over and gave Edward a kiss on his cheek before we left. When I saw him smile up at her, I turned and walked out of the room. He had barely looked at me and hadn't smiled for me once.

x-x-x

Edward was in the hospital for six more days. I was there every day, sitting by his bedside. He slept most of the time with the aid of sleeping pills, and was plagued by nightmares during which he cried out in Italian. Though he was completely unaware of it, I would often soothe away his cries by running my hands through his hair or across his face and chest. When he was awake he was cold and distant and barely spoke to me. I kept telling myself that he had been gone for so long and he just needed time to adjust and that things would be better once I could take him home. But he didn't seem to have the same problems with Alice that he had with me and his interaction with her hurt to watch. I often left when she visited, sitting in the cafeteria, wondering about the boy I had grown up with and loved for so long. I wondered about the scars on his chest and why he cried out "Please, no more" in his sleep. I wondered why he could smile so easily for Alice but had yet to grace me with one of my own. I wondered how patient I would have to be and if he would ever warm up to me or touch me. I wondered who Tanya was and why he called her name in his sleep.

Alice left for Hawaii the day before Edward was discharged from the hospital. She had received a telegram from Jasper, who was currently an aviator aboard the _USS Princeton_ – he would be in Hawaii in four days and she wanted to rush home to be with him.

"When are you getting married?" Edward asked her when she came to say goodbye.

"I'm not sure. I'm not in a rush and I want everything to be perfect, so probably not until after the war."

"That's good," Edward said. "You shouldn't rush into marriage. Make sure you're ready."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Why did he say that? Did he think we rushed into our marriage? Then the cruel words of the girls back home suddenly came unbidden to my mind.

_"He's only marrying her because her father's dead and she has nowhere to go." _

I had never given that idea a second thought before now, but maybe it was true and he was regretting his rash decision to propose marriage.

I walked out of the room quietly, not wanting to make a scene but not wanting to hear anymore either. My stomach was in knots and I had a splitting headache. Nothing seemed to be going to way I thought it would and I felt like my life was falling apart.

Before Alice left that night, she tried to ask me about the tension between Edward and I but I brushed it off as awkwardness borne of our time apart. I didn't believe that, not really, but the truth of the situation wasn't something I was ready to face quite yet.

I took Edward home on a cloudy, chilly Wednesday morning in September. The bandages were off his hand and he had gained a little bit of weight, though he still shivered as if cold and was tired all the time. I had already called Mr. Greene and asked for a leave of absence so I could stay home and take care of Edward, which he granted after I explained my situation.

He walked in the house slowly, his eyes sweeping through the rooms.

"What's that?" he asked from the doorway to the living room.

"A piano," I said, stating the obvious. "The doctor said it might help your hand heal and you could start playing as soon as you were ready. I moved the couch into the den to make room for it." Alice had taken care of purchasing the piano for me and it had been delivered just the day before. It was used and nothing fancy, but a tuner had come after it was delivered and proclaimed it fit for playing.

He simply nodded, staring at it for a bit longer before making his way upstairs. I stood there listening to him move around until he came back down wearing a thick wool sweater. He didn't look at me as passed me and went to the den, closing the door softly.

I stood there outside the living room for a moment, bewildered. We had spent almost a year apart but it was painfully apparent that my husband had no desire to be with me, and I had no idea what to do about it.

I tried to go about my day as I normally would, but everything I did was overshadowed by that closed door and the man lurking behind it.

I knocked once around lunchtime to see if he wanted something to eat, but after a clipped "no" in answer to my question, I didn't bother him again.

I was sitting in the living room well after dinner time, listening to the radio and darning some of my socks, trying to pass the time without him when he came stumbling in, bleary eyed and confused. His hair was a mess and his clothes were rumpled and he looked confused. I longed to comfort him, for him to come and sit next to me so I could hold him and run my hands through his hair and soothe away his troubles, but he didn't come to me. Instead he went to the liquor cabinet, which had stayed virtually untouched since he left, and took out a full bottle of scotch that I didn't even know we had.

"You should eat," I said softly. "I can make you something."

"I'm not hungry."

"You're so thin, Edward, and you haven't eaten all day. Please. Just let me make you something to eat."

"I said I'm not–" he began angrily before looking up at me briefly. His face softened slightly and he closed his eyes, but I could see his jaw clenching, as if he were trying to hold onto his patience. "Thank you, but I'm really not hungry," he said softly, opening his eyes but not looking at me. "I just want to have a drink and maybe read a book."

"Aren't you coming to bed?" I asked softly. It was late and if this had been the time before he left, we would have been in bed long ago.

"No," he replied. "I'm going to stay up for a bit." He still wasn't looking at me and his voice suddenly turned cold.

"Oh, okay," I said, trying hard to hide my disappointment.

I got up and walked slowly to the stairs, hoping against hope that he would change his mind. I had waited so long for him to come home, for his body to be next to mine while I slept, and my heart felt heavy that he refused to come to bed with me.

I sat in bed reading for a while before exhaustion overtook me. I went to sleep alone, but looked forward to waking up next to Edward in the morning.

Sometime later that night I woke up with a start, my heart pounding. Then I heard Edward yelling and realized that was what had disturbed my sleep. I ran downstairs and followed the sound to the den. By the time I got there, the yelling had stopped but I flung the door open anyway. Edward was sitting on the edge of the couch, holding his left hand close to his body while his right was in his hair, his elbow resting on his knee. He was sweating and breathing heavily.

"Edward," I said tentatively. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Go back to bed," he said hoarsely.

"Was it a nightma–"

"I _told_ you to go back to bed. I mean it, Bella. I don't want you here."

"I'm sorry," I said softly, though I wasn't sure exactly sure why I was sorry. I turned and walked out the door, closing it softly behind me.

I held myself together until I got to the bedroom. I sat on the floor next to the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest, then buried my head in my arms and cried.

I heard Edward come up the stairs and pause outside my door, but he continued on to the bathroom, ignoring my crying and leaving me alone. I had attempted to comfort him but he wasn't even interested in checking on me when he could so clearly hear me crying.

I knew he had been through a living nightmare. Anyone could see that just by looking at his body, but I didn't know why that meant he didn't want me anymore.

He had been home for over a week and had yet to touch me. I had craved his touch for so long and now he was here, but as far away as he had ever been.

I finally allowed myself to articulate the thought that had been swimming on the edge of my consciousness since that first day in the hospital.

Maybe Edward had fallen out of love with me while he was gone.

The thought made me cry harder as despair settled into my heart.

I don't know how long I sat there and cried, but I eventually heard Edward make his way downstairs before I climbed back into bed. I slept on and off the whole night and often woke up crying, my cheeks wet with tears. Even when Edward was gone, or when my despair at losing Charlie was at its worst, I had never cried in my sleep.

I was exhausted the next day and afraid to see Edward. I didn't know what kind of mood he would be in, if he would want to talk to me or if he would even come out of the den.

I couldn't not take care of him, so I made him breakfast and left it out before I left the house for the day. I had errands to run and was feeling uncomfortable in the house anyway.

When I got home, the breakfast I left hadn't been touched but the door to the den was standing open. I looked in but Edward was nowhere to be found. I called his name but it appeared that he has left. Irrationally, my heart clenched, thinking that he had left me for good. I ran upstairs to check the closet and let out a sigh of relief when his clothes were still there.

As I was walking downstairs, Edward came in the front door, sweaty and breathing hard, wearing his running clothes.

"Were you running?" I asked tentatively.

He nodded, running his shirt sleeve across the side of his sweat soaked face.

"Did the doctor say you could?"

"I don't need permission to go for a run."

"But you're just out of the hospital. Shouldn't you take it easy?"

"I'm fine," he said, brushing past me and up the stairs. I heard him close the bathroom door and start the shower.

I wanted to chase after him to ask him why he was being so short with me, if I had done something wrong, and if I did, how I could fix it. But everything I tried to talk to him about just seemed to agitate him. He seemed to have very little patience for me and his fuse was short.

My sweet, gentle husband had been replaced by a frustrated, angry man that I didn't know how to handle.

The days passed and things didn't improve. Edward spent most of his days ignoring me and giving me short answers to the questions I asked him. I left meals out for him three times a day; sometimes they were eaten, often they weren't, but I took some satisfaction in the fact that I was taking care of him in some small way. I did his laundry and kept the house clean but he never thanked me or acknowledged what I was doing.

Edward ran for what seemed like hours almost every day. He drank his scotch and holed up in the den, but I never heard him play his piano. He only spoke to me when absolutely necessary. I wanted to give him time and space, but my heart was broken on a daily basis when he pretended as if I didn't exist. He woke me up regularly as his nightmares plagued him every night without fail. I didn't try to comfort him again. He had dark bruises under his eyes and he always seemed so lethargic and I wondered if he slept at all. I had no idea how his health was or how his physical therapy was progressing, though I knew he had, and kept, appointments with Dr. Gerandy. I offered to go with him for his first one, but he made it perfectly clear that I wasn't welcome, so I never asked again.

I didn't know what to do. I was living with a virtual stranger, but confronting him about his lack of feeling for me would mean that I would have to face the truth. That maybe my marriage was over. That whatever happened to him had changed him so irrevocably that it caused him to not want me anymore.

The thought of losing him permanently was more than I could handle. I couldn't bear the idea that he would be out there somewhere, living a life without me, maybe meeting someone else and loving her, taking her into his bed every night and making love to her.

So I did nothing. I accepted the status quo because I thought it was better than the alternative.

x-x-x

When I woke up on my birthday, Edward had been home for two weeks and I was greeted with an empty house. I was more disappointed than I thought I would be; my last birthday had seen flowers waiting for me in the morning and a beautiful, thoughtful present from the person who knew me better than anyone.

Esme called me late that morning to wish me a happy birthday and to check up on Edward.

"He didn't sound like himself when I spoke to him," she said. "Is he okay?" I could hear her concern but I wasn't sure how to answer her. I didn't want to talk to her about the problems we had been having but I also didn't want to lie to her.

"He's about the same," I answered vaguely. "He's still recovering."

"Do you think I should come for a visit? He told me not to, but I'm so worried. Alice told me he looked terrible."

"Oh, Esme, I... ." I didn't know what to say, but I knew that there was no way I could have her here. I didn't want her to know that my marriage was in shambles. I wasn't ready to have to explain that to her quite yet. At least not until I knew what was really happening.

"It's okay," she said. "I won't push anything on you. But I'll be there at a moments notice if you need me. All you have to do is ask."

"Thank you," I said quietly, overwhelmed by her kindness and remembering that she thought of me as one of her own. I imagined that this was how a mother was supposed to behave.

Once we hung up with promises to speak soon, I felt sad and a little lonely. While I never liked a big deal to be made for me, I wanted someone around me to acknowledge my birthday, so I went to Rose's.

"How is Edward faring?" she asked as we sat down for coffee. She had been calling and I wasn't blowing her off, but I wasn't being exactly forthcoming either.

"I don't know," I said. "Things aren't great."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that...I'm not sure who he is anymore," I said with a measure of relief. It was a relief to talk to someone.

"Excuse me?" she said.

"Just what I said. He's completely different and I have no idea how to handle him or what to even say to him most of the time."

"Maybe he's just adjusting. He was gone for so long and from what you tell me, he went through something very traumatic."

"Adjusting I could understand. He barely talks to me and hasn't voluntarily touched me since he's been home," I said softly, still relieved but also a little embarrassed that my own husband didn't even want to touch me. "He doesn't want me anymore."

"He told you this?"

"He didn't have to. His behavior speaks for itself. He doesn't touch me, Rose. At all. Ever. He doesn't sleep with me, we don't eat meals together, we don't talk about anything significant. I think... ."

"What?"

"I think maybe he just doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he fell out of love with me while he was away."

"No. Absolutely not," Rose said fiercely.

"How can you say that?"

"Easily. I've seen you together. He loves you, I know that. Love like you and Edward share doesn't come and go on a whim. It's strong and permanent."

"Rose, you don't understand. Maybe before he went away I would have agreed with you, but not now. He's changed. He's a different person and I don't know what to do."

"I'm so sorry," she said softly, reaching across the table to hold me hand. "I didn't realize how bad it was. I wish I had an answer for you." She paused briefly and ran her thumb across my knuckles. "I hate to state the obvious, but have you tried talking to him?"

"Yes, I have. He doesn't want to hear it. If he's not walking away from me he's pretending he didn't hear me." I put my head in my hands as my ever-present tears began again. "I don't know how to get my husband back."

"You know what, Bella?" she asked softly. "Maybe you shouldn't be trying to get _your_ Edward back. Maybe whatever he went through changed him so much that he's not that man anymore. Stop looking for him to be the person you married and accept him for who he is now. It might not be fair, or what you expected, but maybe it's the only choice you have."

"But who he is now doesn't want me anymore," I said, picking up my head.

"I don't believe that for a second. Give him time, Bella. Relax. Try not to have any expectations. Just let him be. He'll come back to you."

"I hope so," I said, though my hope was quickly waning.

"Maybe you need to get out of that house. Have you thought about going back to work?"

My back straightened a little and my heart sped up. I hadn't realized it before that moment, but she was right. I missed teaching and my students and being ignored by my husband all day wasn't helping my mood. I _needed_ to work. I needed something just for me. I had fulfilling aspects of my life before he came home and I wanted them back. I wanted to feel useful and accomplished and happy again.

"You're right, Rose. I think going back to work is exactly what I need," I said, a small smile on my lips.

I went home that night with a bit of happiness working its way into my heart for the first time since Edward came home.

I stood outside the den, staring at the closed door, afraid to knock. I felt like he needed to know my plans, but I was fearful of his reaction. And then I realized that I was afraid of my own husband, a boy I had known since we were two years old, and a man who I thought would love me forever, no matter what life handed us. Now I had no idea if he loved me at all, never mind loving me for the rest of our lives.

Taking a deep breath, I knocked softly.

"Edward, I need to speak with you," I said loudly enough so I was sure he would hear me through the door.

When he opened the door a few moments later, I was shocked at how bad he looked. He was so obviously exhausted, his eyes were red rimmed, his skin was pale, he hadn't shaved in days and his clothes were rumpled.

He stood there looking at me, and when I realized he wasn't going to ask me anything, I plowed ahead.

"I'm going back to work," I stated simply. His eyes got a bit wide and his mouth opened as if he wanted to say something, but it closed quickly. He grabbed at his hair and continued to look at me, but apparently had nothing to say.

"I just thought you should know," I said. "I'll be gone all day and didn't want you to wonder where I was."

He still said nothing, so I turned my back on him and walked away. I needed to call Mr. Greene and let him know I would be in the next day.

I went to bed the night of my birthday with no acknowledgment of the day's significance from my husband. He hadn't spoken a single word to me all day.

As I was drifting off to sleep much later, the soft sounds the piano being played floated up to my bedroom. It took me just a moment to recognize the tune.

_Happy Birthday._

_

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**Thank you to my beta, Lucette21, who I think sometimes knows what I'm trying to say better than I do, and to LTR, who critiques honestly and thoroughly.**

**Thank you to wwp, my personal medical consultant.**

**Thank you to everyone who recs, reads and reviews this story. Your support has been amazing and very much appreciated.**

**As improbable as it seems to me, this story has been nominated for a Faithful Shipper Award in the category "Fic That Made You Cry." Thank you to everyone who nominated my little story. Go here to vote for your favorites, the list is quite extensive. http://www (dot) kwiksurveys (dot) com/online-survey (dot) php?surveyID=KILHNK_a101a05a&UID=1333649565**

**Have you all noticed that I don't rec fics very often? Well, I have one for you. It's **_**Discovering You, Discovering Me**_** by JSFazz. It's only four chapters in, but give it a chance. I think she's doing something really special. Please read and leave the author some love in the form of reviews. Link in my profile.**

**Until next time.**


	22. Chapter 22

**I'm truly humbled by the response to this story. I can't thank you all enough for your reviews of the last chapter, I read and appreciated each one. I'm sorry I didn't get to answer all of them, but this chapter was a bitch. Speaking of which...**

**Thank you for your patience. I'll let you get to it.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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_I felt his hand softly stroking my hair and his warm breath on my face. I had butterflies in my stomach; he was being so kind and gentle, just like he used to be._

_"I love you so much. I'm sorry I can't be the man you need me to be."_

_He gently kissed my cheek and I felt tears slip from my closed eyes, overwhelmed that he was finally coming back to me._

_"Please don't cry. I don't want to make you cry anymore. I don't know what to do. It's so dark here and I feel so lost without you. I don't know how to be with you anymore, but I don't want to be without you either."_

_I wanted to wake up and tell him that he didn't need to be lost, that I was here and that however he felt about what happened to him was something we could work through together. I wanted to revel in his touch and kiss him back, but I couldn't seem to find the strength._

_"I should leave you and let you find a normal man who can take care of you, but I can't. I'm too selfish. Just being near you brings me the only peace I have left in my life."_

_He kissed me again, so softly, and continued to wipe my tears._

_"I want you so much. I want you to hold me and run your fingers through my hair and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I want to lay my head in your lap and tell you every last thing that's on my mind. I want to make love to you and sleep with you like a normal man. But I can't take that from you. Not when I can't give it back. Not after what I've done."_

I startled awake, sure that I had heard something, sure that Edward had really been here. My dream had felt so real. But all I saw in the darkness of the bedroom was the rocking chair moving softly back and forth in the corner.

It was still the night of my birthday. The house was silent and the ache I felt at still being alone was almost unbearable. My dream only reminded me of what I was missing and the difference between the boy I fell in love with and the man who now lived with me.

I woke up the next morning wondering if the song I heard from the piano the night before had also been a dream. Edward was nowhere to be found while I got ready for work and still hadn't made an appearance when I left for the day. I left him some sandwiches in the refrigerator just in case he got hungry and decided that there was nothing more for me to do. He didn't want me to take care of him and I wasn't going to force myself on him.

It was a relief to be back at school and I was fortunate that I had only missed a couple of weeks. I spent the day reacquainting myself with the other teachers and my students and went home that afternoon intent on finishing the lesson plans I had started right before Edward came home, but had been abandoned upon his return. It was time to get back to work.

By Friday, I knew that going back to work had been the right decision. I didn't see much of Edward, but he was home every afternoon when I walked in the door, usually sitting at the piano, but never playing. He wouldn't be around long, generally leaving the house for a run soon after I came in, showering after he arrived back home, and then going into the den and closing the door. I knew he had been through terrible things so I didn't want to pressure him, but it was almost as if he had never come home at all.

A few weeks after my birthday, however, he made his presence known. I found him sitting at the dining room table one evening when I got home. Waiting for me.

He looked exhausted; his eyes were rimmed with dark circles and I honestly couldn't remember a time when they weren't there. He was still so painfully thin and he hadn't shaved in days. Yet every time I looked at him, it took everything I had in me not to throw myself in his arms and beg him to come back to me.

But instead of doing what I desired most, I stood there and waited for him to talk to me. My heart was pounding and my stomach was in knots, not knowing what he wanted but recognizing the look of annoyance on his face.

"I went to the bank today," he said, his voice clipped.

"Oh?" I asked. I wasn't sure where he was going with this and I wanted to tread carefully.

"I don't understand. I made arrangements for my pay to be put directly into our account. But there hasn't been a single withdrawal since I left." He sounded angry, though I couldn't discern why that would be.

"I realize that, but it's not _our_ account," I said evenly.

"Excuse me?"

"My name isn't on the account. I couldn't access the money," I said softly.

"But you're my wife," he said, bewildered.

All of a sudden, the picture of my financial situation after Edward left became clear.

"Yes, but I couldn't prove that. We left New York without our marriage certificate, if you remember, and I couldn't get a copy of it because it needed to be picked up in person. It was just easier for me to handle it myself with the money Charlie left me and my job."

His elbows were on the table and he grabbed at his hair, wincing under the pressure. "So I left you with nothing?"

"No, I had Charlie's money. And my job pays me enough to live on, and then some."

"Yes, but _I_ left you with nothing. I didn't provide for you while I was gone. I left you to fend for yourself."

"I was fine," I said slowly and softly, wanting him to remain calm.

"But you shouldn't have been forced to get a job. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I thought since you were my wife that you would just have access to everything that was mine," he said, the anguish so clear in his voice.

"Edward, don't beat yourself up about this. Everything worked out. I love teaching and it really helped me to cope while you were gone. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise."

"How can you say that?" he asked, pulling almost violently on his hair. "I was supposed to protect you and provide for you and I didn't. There's no excuse for what I did."

"You didn't mea–"

Before I could finish, he got up abruptly, knocking over his chair in the process, and strode out of the room. I jumped as I heard the door to the den slam closed, followed by a loud crash.

The situation was becoming unbearable. I was sure I didn't want to live like this any more, but I was at a loss as to how to handle Edward. One minute he seemed to feel like he needed to provide for me and the next he was avoiding my presence. I was confused and hurt; this was Edward, our life together wasn't supposed to be this difficult.

x-x-x

The days passed slowly, and though I took some joy in teaching and my students, I was sadder and more unhappy than I had ever been. I found the melancholy almost overwhelming every day when I walked out of school, knowing I would have to go home and face a husband who couldn't be bothered with me anymore. When I got home, my sadness was accompanied by acute anxiety. I would jump and my heart would beat out of my chest every time I heard a noise, not knowing if it was Edward and wondering what he might be doing and if he was finally going to come to me. But he never did.

I was paralyzed, unable to take any action, waiting him out and hoping he would come back to me. I kept telling myself that he just needed time and space and that some day soon he would realize that I could help him, that he didn't need to suffer alone and that we were stronger together than we were apart. But his continued silence was deafening.

Edward might have been home, but I missed him more than ever.

On an unseasonably warm Wednesday evening in October, I was sitting in the living room marking papers and listening to the radio when I heard a special bulletin come across the national evening news.

_Italy has officially declared war on Nazi Germany, its former Axis ally. Italy's Fascist government, formerly led by Benito Mussolini, who was deposed in July, will join the Allied forces in fighting Germany._

I was a bit startled at the news, but I was pleased that I could finally change the color of all of Italy on my map. I had moved it out of the den weeks ago and it was on the wall in the living room. Sicily had been blue for a while and now I would extend that to the rest of the country. The war news was certainly looking up.

When I got up to go in search of my blue pencil, I noticed Edward standing in the doorway to the living room. He was pale and shaking and looked absolutely stricken. He was clutching the door frame so tightly that his knuckles were white and his lips were moving, though I heard no sound coming from his mouth.

"Edward, what is it?" I asked, walking over to him.

I reached him and I noticed that his eyes were glazed over he was whispering brokenly in both English and Italian. It was so soft that the words weren't clear to me but I thought I heard "no more" and "please."

When I put my hands lightly on his chest, he looked at me with wild eyes and staggered back, away from me, as if my touch had burned him.

_We repeat, Italy has officially declared war on Nazi Germany._

He fell to the floor and sat with his back against the wall, his hands in his hair. He was shaking and tears were slipping from his eyes and I had no idea how to help him except to comfort him the way I always had. Even if he pushed me away, I had to try. I couldn't sit idly by and watch my husband suffer, even if I was hurt in the process.

"Edward, please," I said softly.

I knelt between his legs and placed his head on my chest. His arms wound around me as a sob escaped his throat. I threaded my fingers through his hair and held him close; he was shaking and mumbling incoherently, but he was letting me hold him and I could have cried from the sheer relief of finally being so close to him.

We stayed like that for a long time and eventually his shaking and crying subsided. He loosened his arms from around me and dropped them to his sides. He seemed completely worn out.

I stayed close to him and waited for him to say or do something, but he kept his eyes closed and remained silent.

"Edward?" I finally asked.

He opened his eyes and looked at me but he didn't seem to be focusing on anything and I wondered if he was seeing me at all. I stood and took his hand, determined to at least get him off the floor and into bed; he was shivering again, though the house was warm.

He allowed me to pull him up, but he stopped and shook his head as I led him to the stairs.

Defeated, I dropped his hand and walked to the darkened den, still wanting to see him to bed. He followed me dutifully and after he laid down on the couch, I draped a blanket over him to ease his shivering. I kissed his forehead and gently ran my hand through his hair, enjoying being able to touch him, though still not in the ways I wanted to.

His eyes focused on me as I hovered over him and his face softened noticeably.

_There_ he was.

"Where do you teach?" he asked softly.

"Montgomery Blair High School. It's here in Silver Spring," I answered, gently touching his cheek.

"What do you..." He trailed off, sighing as his eyes slipped closed and his breathing evened out.

I tucked the blanket securely around him and left him to sleep, tripping on something on the way out but righting myself before I fell.

I spent the rest of the evening as I normally would. I made dinner and ate it, I straightened the house and marked my students' papers. But I felt different. Optimistic. Hope had settled into my heart. He let me hold him, he asked about me and what I was doing, and I saw _my_ Edward, even if for just a moment. I knew better than to think that everything would be better overnight, but progress had been made and I found myself smiling as the evening progressed.

After Edward's episode, I was now sure that he had been in Italy, but I had little idea what that meant or what he had truly been through. I hoped that maybe we could talk about it when he woke up; maybe he would finally tell me what happened to him and maybe he would tell me he loved me again.

I hadn't heard a sound from Edward in a few hours so I assumed he was still sleeping but decided to check on him anyway.

I walked right in without knocking, my eyes immediately focusing on Edward, a gasp escaping my throat before I could stop it.

He was standing in front of the couch, pulling his shirt off; it was the first time I had seen him without one since he had been home and my stomach felt sick at what I saw.

He had scars on his chest and stomach – they were red and angry and there were so many of them; round and straight and staggered all over his body.

When Edward saw me he turned quickly and lowered his shirt, but not before exposing his back, and more scars, to me.

"Don't you knock?" he shouted, turning to me, his eyes blazing with anger.

"I was coming to check on you," I said, my voice shaking in surprise at his tone.

"I don't need you to check on me. Couldn't you have left well enough alone?" The softness I had seen before was completely gone, replaced by an anger I hadn't seen from him in all the years we had known each other.

My disappointment was a bitter taste in my mouth. I thought we had turned a corner, but his attitude toward me seemed as bad as ever. I almost allowed myself to cry, for my disappointment and hurt to get the best of me. But much to my surprise, my sadness was quickly replaced by another emotion – anger. I hadn't done anything wrong and I would be damned if I was going to apologize. Enough was enough.

"This is my house too, Edward. I'll come and go as I damn well please and I don't need your permission. If you don't like it, you can find somewhere else to live."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm sick of walking on eggshells in my own house. It means that this is my home too and I won't be pushed around by you and told where I can and cannot be."

He looked at me for a long moment with his jaw clenched and his eyes glistening. If I hadn't know better, I would have thought the wetness was from tears.

"Fine," he said, brushing past me and right out the front door.

Any progress we might have made seemed to be completely undone. But then maybe that progress had all been in my head. I felt like a fool for thinking we had turned a corner, that he might finally be coming back to me. I wiped my sudden tears and took a deep breath, wanting more than anything to go after him and tell him that I loved him and that nothing he had been through could destroy that, but I feared that would get me nowhere. He was so completely closed off that I had little hope of reaching him.

But I realized in that moment that I had to try. There had to be a way for me to let him know that I was here for him, that I could help him, and that I loved him now, as ever. I couldn't just let this go on; living like this was eating away at me and making me more unhappy than I had been while he was gone. I had to make the effort, because maybe he couldn't. Maybe he needed me to be strong and reach out to him and try to make this right.

It occurred to me that I did have one way of letting him know how much his absence had affected me and how much I loved him – my letters and journals that I kept while he was away. I wasn't proud of everything that happened while he was gone, but it was honest, and if he knew, maybe it would help bring him back to me. Maybe he would understand the depth of my devotion and trust me with whatever was making him so unhappy and withdrawn.

Deciding to give them to him the following day after I got home and before he went for his run, I gathered everything from the bedroom and moved it to a desk drawer in the living room so I could retrieve it easily once I got back home. I had heard him come back home earlier and was temped to give them to him that very minute, but ultimately decided that a cooling off period was probably best.

I left for work the next day a little less melancholy than usual. I had hope that the Edward I knew and loved was in there somewhere and that if I just made the effort, I could reach him and bring him back to me.

But when I arrived back home after school that day, Edward was nowhere to be found. I was disappointed, but I had become good at waiting for him, so that's what I did. I was apprehensive and a little nervous, but also excited about the prospect of opening myself up to him, because maybe that would lead to him opening up to me.

As the night got later and later, I started to worry. For all of his silence and avoidance, he was usually here. I started pacing at ten o'clock, weighing my options. There wasn't really anyone to call and I couldn't even begin to think of where he might be.

He finally came in after midnight, stumbling and reeking of scotch.

"Well, isn't this nice? Are you waiting for me?" he asked, clearly drunk.

"Yes, I am," I responded, slightly bewildered. He seemed angry. And he was speaking to me.

"Sure, now that I'm home you play the dutiful wife," he said, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"I'm sorry?"

"Tell me, my _wife_. How did you spend your time while I was away?" His voice had an exaggerated curiosity that made me wince.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean," he said, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a piece of paper, "that it seems to me that you were having a grand old time without me!" He slammed the paper down on the coffee table and I saw that it was one of the letters I had written him. I must have dropped it when I brought them down earlier.

"Did you enjoy your time with my subordinate while I was away? Did it give you a little thrill, knowing that I didn't want you near him? How many other male companions did you have to occupy your time?" He spoke with such contempt and hate that it sent a shiver up my spine. He had obviously read a letter that mentioned James and had taken it completely out of context.

"I didn't have any companions, Edward. And I resent the implication." I walked up to him, not shying away from anything I had done while he was gone. There was no need to.

"You resent…are you kidding me?" He was shouting at me but I held my ground. I hadn't done anything wrong and I wasn't going to be intimidated. "I was off fighting a war and you were spending time with other men and you resent my implication? How many more were there?"

Before I could stop myself, my hand flew back and struck his cheek. "You son of a bitch. How dare you?"

He shook his head and rubbed his cheek where I had slapped him.

"You have no idea what my life was like while you were gone. You've never bothered to ask."

"Based on that letter, I think I have a pretty good idea, actually," he said, smiling ruefully.

"No, you don't have a clue, Edward. It's one letter out of probably over a hundred and you've taken it completely out of context."

I wanted to give him the rest of what I wrote so I could prove to him that I was waiting for him, that I was faithful and only wanted him to come home to me.

But he was my husband, the man who had promised to love me for the rest of my life. And more than that, he was the boy I grew up with, who knew me better than anyone. And he was accusing me of being unfaithful to him and of being a whore.

I shouldn't have to explain myself to him.

"I'm not going to discuss this with you while you're drunk," I said, my voice sounding much stronger than I felt. "When you're sober and reasonable, I'd be happy to tell you everything that happened to me while you were away. Now that you're actually showing an interest."

I turned from him and walked away, up to my bedroom.

I spent a sleepless night tossing and turning, trying to decide what to do about my husband, my marriage and most importantly, about myself. I thought again about giving him the rest of the letters, but it seemed now like I was doing it to defend myself instead of what I truly meant them to be; a way for our time apart to be a shared experience.

I wondered, not for the first time, if he was staying with me out of guilt. Because he had promised to take care of me after Charlie died and didn't want to shirk his responsibilities. His experiences had obviously damaged him, but any attempt I made to draw him out was met with stony silence at best, and outright hostility at worst. I wondered if he resented the fact that he was tied to me and this shaky foundation we had constructed.

I didn't know if our marriage would survive. I didn't know if he still loved me or if he would ever again be the boy I fell in love with. But I did know that I wouldn't live like this anymore. The hurt was too deep now.

I was so tired of crying and worrying and being tense. Of being upset at things happening to me and having no control over my life. If it was going to change, I had to make it happen. And if it wasn't going to change, I needed to accept that and get on with my life. I knew I wouldn't love anyone else, but perhaps I could have a fulfilling life in every other respect. I would have to try, because at the rate we were going, I didn't think I would have a choice.

At dawn, I went downstairs and made coffee to see me through the rest of the day. My head was buzzing from lack of sleep and too much caffeine and I was a bit shaky, but I was as ready as I was ever going to be for what I had to do.

I knocked on the door to the den and when he answered, I looked into his red rimmed eyes and spoke in a clear, strong voice.

"I need to speak with you, Edward. Now."

He nodded and moved aside to let me in. I really looked around the room for the first time in days, maybe weeks, and was disgusted with what I saw. There were clothes strewn all over the place, empty scotch bottles littered the floor and there were countless books piled next to the couch. It smelled awful and stale and looked nothing like the tidy space he used to occupy. The Edward I knew before he went away never would have lived like this.

I stood among the mess and looked at my husband. I loved him still, despite his behavior and his attitude toward me. I would love him always and nothing would change that, but I had to love myself just a little bit more and get through this. And I had to be ready to follow through with what I was about to say because if he didn't love me anymore, it was time he came out and said it.

He sat on the very edge of the couch and put his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair, his standard pose since he had come home.

"I don't want to do this anymore," I said softly.

"Do what?" he asked quietly.

I sighed, wondering if he really was as clueless as he seemed. "I can't live like this."

His head shot up, his eyes wide with what seemed like fear and confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," I began, trying so hard not to sound angry, but failing miserably. "That I'm not going to accept this life. I used to have a husband and a best friend. Now I have a stranger who lives with me. How long do you expect me to put up with this? With the drinking and the coldness and the pretending I don't exist? How long?"

"What do you want from me? I'm here aren't I?" he asked, sounding frustrated.

"Just being here isn't enough, Edward. Did you honestly think it would be? You just existing in the same space with me isn't a marriage. It doesn't make me happy; it makes me sad and lonely and anxious. I know terrible things happened to you, but if you won't talk to me, how can I ever understand? You need to tell me what happened to make you this way and why you're treating me like this." I paused and waited for him to say something, but I was met with silence. "I need you to talk to me, please."

"I can't," he said, his jaw clenched.

"I won't accept that anymore. You have to do better than that."

"I...shit. I'm sorry about last night. I know you wouldn't do anything like what I accused you of. I just...I was gone for so long and then to read that you were spending time with someone else...I let my imagination run away with me. I'm sorry."

"This is not just about last night. It's about every day since you've been home."

He just shook his head and remained silent. Talking was getting me nowhere. And as much as it pained me, I needed to remove myself from this situation.

"I've tried to be patient. But it's been weeks and you barely speak to me and you never touch me. I deserve better than this. If you don't love me anymore we just need to end this. Dragging it out isn't good for either one of us."

"You think I don't love you anymore?" he asked so softly I almost missed it.

"Have you given me a single reason to think otherwise since you've been home?" I demanded.

He sat there silent, tugging at his hair.

I started walking toward the door, exasperated at his silence and heartbroken that he wasn't fighting for me and for our marriage.

"If you ever decide that this marriage is something you want, you let me know. I love you now as much as I ever have, but I can't keep doing this to myself. This is not a marriage. Maybe you just need time to get yourself together, I don't know."

"I don't wan – you're leaving me?"

"I'd much rather live my life with you in it, but it doesn't seem like you fee the same way. I'm making a fool of myself by trying to hang onto something that doesn't exist anymore. I've lived without you before, and as hard as it was, I can do it again if I have to. Because I have to be responsible for my own happiness. I can't leave it up to you anymore."

"Maybe I can't anymore."

"Can't what?" I asked.

"Make you happy."

"You can't, or you won't?" I swallowed back my tears and took a deep breath. "Maybe you can't, but you're not even trying. Or giving me an explanation. Do you think maybe you owe me that much?"

"You won't...I can't... ." He stopped and ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

I sighed and made my way to the door. "You know what? There's nothing I wouldn't have done for you if you would have just put in a little effort. If you had just given me a little hope, I could have shouldered most of the burden for you. But I can't do this alone. Please, don't give up on me," I pleaded.

When he didn't say anything, I turned from him started to walk away, sure that this was the end. His rejection was a physical pain in my chest and I just wanted to get out of there before it consumed me.

But as my hand settled on the doorknob, his voice stopped me cold.

"You won't love me anymore if I tell you," he said softly.

"You don't have the right to decide that for me," I said, turning back to him, a tear slipping onto my cheek. "You have no idea how I'll react or what I'll feel. I'm not the same girl you left behind."

"I know," he said softly, nodding his head slightly and looking down again. It seemed he had hardly looked me in the eye since I came in the room. "I don't want you to leave me."

"Why not?" I asked softly, hoping against hope that he would tell me that he loved me and couldn't live without me, that he needed me as much as I needed him.

He hesitated for just a moment, his head still down. "I want…I'll do what I have to do. Just...please. Don't leave like this." He looked up at me with wide, shining eyes and I could almost believe that he wanted me again. But his mood could change any minute and I wouldn't let myself hope. Not anymore. Hope only led to disappointment.

"I need you to talk to me."

"I'll tell you as much as I can. I thought I could do this, but I can't."

I wasn't sure what he couldn't do anymore; if he meant be married to me or hide himself from me, but I didn't ask. I was just grateful that he was talking to me.

"Who is Tanya, Edward?"

He looked up at me with wide eyes and swallowed audibly at the mention of her name and my heart clenched. There was guilt in that look, and it told me something I didn't want to believe. I prayed silently that I was reading him wrong, but in my heart I knew I wasn't.

"I'll tell you, but can we go home?" he asked.

"Home?"

"Back to Hawaii. I just...I want to go home," he said, his voice low and sad.

I didn't know why it was important to him, but no matter how he felt about me, I still loved him enough to want to make him happy, even in this small way. "Of course. But travel to the island is difficult. You'll need to ask the Navy for help."

He nodded his head, looking at the floor.

We left a week later after I took another leave of absence from school and Edward arranged our travel.

I called ahead to Esme and asked her to open my father's house. There was no way I was going to have this conversation with Edward under the watchful eyes of his parents and Alice. We needed time and space and I didn't want to have an audience to the potential dissolution of my marriage.

Edward and I barely spoke the entire trip to Hawaii, but I realized his silence was something I had grown used to over the weeks. So much so that I barely felt uncomfortable anymore. I often found him staring at me; he would look away quickly but not before I saw the hurt and fear in his eyes, which just served to confuse me.

Esme picked us up from the airport and embraced us like the long lost children we were. I saw Edward wince when she hugged him and I wondered if it wasn't just me that he didn't want touching him. Or maybe it had been so long that any kind of physical affection just made him uncomfortable.

"Do you want to come back to the house or go straight to yours?" Esme asked us once we settled into the car.

Edward turned and looked at me questioningly from the front seat but I spoke directly to Esme. I was running this show, not him.

"Back to my house, please," I said wearily. It had been a long trip and even though it was barely afternoon in Hawaii, I was so incredibly tired.

I could see that Esme was disappointed but this wasn't about her. This was about me and Edward trying to save the last vestiges of our failing marriage.

"Will you come for dinner tomorrow?"

"We'll try," I said noncommittally, looking out the window.

When I looked to the front again, Esme looked at me in the rear view mirror, concern so clear in her eyes. I just shook my head and looked away. It wasn't hard to see the distance between Edward and I and she had always been perceptive.

I saw her look over at Edward but he was just staring out the side window, saying nothing, letting me lead him. I wished more than anything that I knew what he was thinking.

When we got the house I stood outside, flooded with memories of Charlie, wondering what he would think of where I was in my life. I could feel Edward next to me, and the tentative hand he reached out to me. But the thing I felt most acutely was him putting it back to his side without touching me.

He knew better than anyone how being here would make me feel yet he denied me simple comfort and contact. He might have asked me to stay with him, but he wasn't acting like he wanted me either.

Esme walked up to my other side and put an arm around my shoulder, comforting me when her son couldn't. I knew she noticed our interaction, or lack thereof, but she said nothing, for which I was grateful.

"Edward," she said, looking at him. "Get the bags, please."

"Sure, Mom."

While Edward retrieved the bags from the car Esme walked me up to the front of the house and unlocked the door.

I walked in slowly, not sure how I should feel. I had spent a good part of my childhood in the house but it only made me miss Charlie. I didn't feel particularly nostalgic, it was just a space, after all. Nothing more, nothing less. It didn't mean home to me. That thought both saddened and surprised me and I wondered if anywhere would ever feel like home again, especially without Edward by my side.

Esme had uncovered the furniture and she told me that she had the house cleaned and the electricity, water and phone turned back on. She purchased a new bed for my old bedroom for Edward and I, and while I appreciated her thoughtfulness, I was sure it wouldn't be necessary.

I dragged my own bag up to my bedroom and left Edward and Esme downstairs. I freshened up in the bathroom and just as I was about to make my way downstairs, Esme's voice drifted up the stairs.

"You fix this, Edward."

I could see them from where I was standing at the top of the stairs and remained silent, listening.

"Mom, I... ." He ran his hand through his hair and pulled roughly. He mumbled something I couldn't hear and looked away from her.

She put her hands on his chest and looked up at him. "You're my son and I love you. I don't know what you've been through, but I do know what Bella went through while you were gone. I know what it was like for her. Do you?"

"No."

"And have you told her what it was like for you while you were away from her?"

"No," he said again, looking down miserably.

"And why not?"

"It's complicated."

"Is keeping this to yourself worth your marriage? Because from what I see that's exactly what it's costing you." She paused and hugged him tightly. "You fix this before it's too late."

He nodded and looked down, shamefaced, like a small boy being scolded. Esme reached up and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I hope to see you tomorrow. Your father is looking forward to seeing _both_ of you. I love you."

"I love you too, Mom."

I made my way downstairs and Esme hugged me tightly before she left, asking me to try to make it to the house the next night for dinner. I assured her that I would try before seeing her out.

"Why aren't we staying at my parents' house?" Edward asked.

"You have to ask?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "No, I guess not. I'm just surprised."

"Your mother is very good to me. She pulled this together really quickly. She even bought a new bed for my bedroom. Little does she know that it's not necessary." I knew I sounded bitter, but I _was_ bitter, so why hide it anymore? If my marriage was over, at least I could allow myself to feel everything I had been trying so hard to hide.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"For what?" I asked, a short, angry laugh escaping my lips. "For not wanting me anymore? Why apologize? You can't help how you feel."

"No, I can't, no matter how much I may try. Which is why I need to tell you everything."

As long as our trip had been and as exhausted as I felt, more than anything, I wanted to get everything out in the open. So I sat on the couch and waited for him to talk to me.

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**I owe a debt of gratitude to my beta, Lucette21, for all of the other support and help she gives me.  
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**Thank you to LTR for prereading and to wwp for being a top notch medical consultant and all around great buddy.**

**And much gratitude to SR for, as always, being there for me in my hour of need.**

**Thank you to everyone who recs, reads and reviews this story. I'm honestly blown away by the support.**

**One last thing. I've recently received multiple requests for various EPOV chapters. Sorry, but I'm putting a moratorium on them until the FGB auction in June. Ninapolitan is forcing me to enter myself in the author auction and I figure this might be a good way to raise money for charity. Don't worry, I'm sure I won't cost too much. The change in your couch cushions should cover it.**

**Until next time.**


	23. Chapter 23

**This chapter is dedicated, with love, to my husband. We sat down over the summer and worked out Edward's mission and the entire story was wrapped around this. He's a wonderful, patient man who puts up with me writing when I should be doing the million other things that need to get done. I truly hit the husband jackpot. **

**Special thank you to Nina for talking through a huge portion of this chapter with me.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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"I'm not sure where to start," Edward said, sitting heavily on the couch next to me. He looked so very worn out but there was nothing I could do for him. Not now.

"I can't help you with this," I said sadly. I wanted to help him. I wished more than anything that he would put his head in my lap and let me comfort him while he told his tale, but I kept having to remind myself that that wasn't our relationship anymore. That he didn't want me to touch him and that I might not bring him any comfort.

He nodded and looked out the window, his hands running up and down his thighs. "There are things I'm going to tell you that I shouldn't, but I want you to know that there are also details I'm going to leave out. It's not because I don't want you to know or because I'm hiding anything. It's that they're not important and it's safer for you and for me if I don't tell you. I'll tell you everything you need to know. Okay?"

"Okay," I said softly, pulling my knees up to my chest.

"I was in Italy," he began, looking over at me. "I knew I might have to go eventually. It was wartime and that was what I signed up for. I just didn't think it would be so abrupt."

He looked at me wistfully before dropping his head. He hadn't yet told me anything I didn't already know, so I rested my cheek on my pulled up knees and waited for the real story to begin.

"I was to infiltrate a group of students at Sapienza, the university of Rome. They were still holding classes despite the war, mostly because the students were the children of some important people in the government. I was perfect for the assignment for so many reasons; I played the piano and was already trained in intelligence work, I was young and fluent in Italian. I could never pass for an Italian since my knowledge of the language is classic and I would never be believable as a native speaker, but since I knew Spanish as well, I could pass for a Spaniard living in Italy. I was given an identity and a history that I had to memorize, which they tried to keep as close to real as possible so I wouldn't forget it.

"By the time I arrived in Italy, I was already enrolled as a music student at the university. I was given an apartment and the proper papers and a contact who would meet with me periodically to check on my progress and to whom I could give any information I gathered.

"It was hard at first. I missed you terribly and spent so much time worrying about you being alone. I would wonder if you had gone home to Hawaii, if you were seeing Rose and Emmett, if maybe Alice would come to stay with you. Thoughts of you alone and unhappy plagued me and I constantly asked my contact to find out about you; how you were doing and if you were well. He never told me much and I'm pretty sure now that he just told me what he thought I needed to hear to keep my head in the mission.

"But eventually, after about seven or eight weeks, being my alter ego became second nature. I no longer had to think about speaking in Italian and I only allowed myself to think about you at night, when I was alone and couldn't give myself away. My thoughts ate away at me and my sleep was filled with you, but when day broke, I trained myself to push you to the back of my mind." He looked up at me, a pleading look in his eyes. "That doesn't mean I forgot about you, I just wanted to come home and this was the only way I could get through the day."

He looked back down and placed his elbows on his knees, leaning forward. He spoke so softly that I had to strain to hear him. "I had nobody, Bella. Nobody to talk to, nobody who knew me, nobody to just sit and have a cup of coffee with. Never mind the fact that I missed you and your touch and sleeping next to you. I had nobody. I only spoke to my contact about every five days or so and only about the mission. I was so lonely those first few weeks."

He looked over at me, looking for...something, but I remained silent. There was nothing to say. I had missed him too and some days I refused to let myself think about him because it hurt too much. We hadn't handled it much differently. Except that I had my family and friends around me, when Edward had no one. He had been completely alone and my heart ached for him. But I couldn't give him anything in that moment, not when I didn't know the whole story and exactly what I was dealing with.

I could see the disappointment in his face when I failed to respond, but still I said nothing. He took a deep breath and continued. "The supposed leader of the group was also a music student, which was why my knowledge of piano was so important. His name was Carlo. I'd rather not give you his last name."

I nodded and said, "Okay."

"I was given background on him, so besides knowing his politics, I knew that he enjoyed the company of women and that he liked to drink. He also loved the opera, and there was one opera house still in operation in Rome at the time. And I just happened to have tickets to an upcoming performance. So I made sure he knew it, hoping he would make it a point to meet me, not the other way around. It was better for my cover that way, you understand?"

I nodded.

"So he befriended me quickly over a few drinks and just happened to mention that he enjoyed opera. I invited him to the performance and we had a few drinks afterward, but I was still treading carefully. I would see him at school and we would have an occasional espresso after class, but he was keeping me at arms length. So one day at the café we frequented, I made sure he saw an anti-government leaflet among my books and papers. I pretended that I didn't notice that he saw it and continued as I always had. He started to question me, subtly at first, about my loyalty to Fascist Spain and Italy and their allegiance to Germany, and at first, I gave him nothing. We thought that would be wise. But after a little prodding, I made it clear to him that I was loyal to my country, as well as my adopted home, but not to the Nazis.

"I was introduced to the rest of the group soon after. They were good kids, for the most part, who wanted the German influence out of their government and their country. Their names aren't important, but they were all anti-government partisans and were working daily to disrupt the Germans who occupied their country. I spent a good deal of time with them and got to know them well. Under different circumstances, I would have been friends with many of them. We spent hours talking about politics and war and social responsibility." He stopped briefly and shook his head. "I was to try to help my new friends with their resistance. I would report their activities to my contact and he would pass the information on to the proper people.

"My friends did small things, like try to disrupt supply deliveries and make the lives of German soldiers difficult. They put spikes in the road to disable trucks and cut power and water to buildings where the Germans were quartered. It wasn't anything major; it was more of an annoyance than anything else. I often wondered why they took me away from you to deal with such insignificant operations."

He looked briefly at me and bit his lip before averting his eyes. The guilty look was back. I knew what was coming but hearing her name coming from his lips in his waking hours made my heart clench painfully.

"Tanya was the daughter of someone named Dino Grandi. Do you know the name?" he asked softly.

I shook my head and waited for him to continue.

"He was a very powerful member of the Fascist Grand Council. I suppose you could say they were on par with our Congress, as a point of reference."

He stopped talking and stared out the window and bit his nails; he was quiet for so long I wasn't sure he would go on. Finally he turned his eyes to me and shook his head. "I don't want to do this," he whispered, the look on his face so forlorn and vulnerable that all I wanted to do was reach out and comfort him.

But instead I looked steadily at him and spoke in an even tone. "You don't have to tell me anything. The choice is yours."

He looked back out the window as he wiped a tear quickly from his cheek. His face changed then from open and sad to almost completely emotionless and his voice when he spoke was flat. "Besides being the daughter of one of the most powerful men in the Italian government, Tanya was a university student and one of the group of partisans I befriended. The Allies were gearing up for the invasion of Italy and needed inside information. Tanya seemed like a perfect target.

"They needed to know if a certain operation was successful and the way I was supposed to find out was through Tanya. I had to get into her house and try to do real intelligence gathering work. They were sure her father was using his home office for the more sensitive material since they had someone inside the government and were unable to find the information they needed. I didn't know how I was supposed to accomplish this, I had never been to her house and had no idea how to get there."

He stopped again and continued to stare out the window, a frown on his face. "Go on," I urged him softly.

He looked at me briefly before turning his eyes back to the window. "Apparently, Tanya developed an interest in me. I still don't know how they came by that information, my contact never told me. What he did tell me was...he told me...they wanted me...I had to...get closer to Tanya...that I was–shit," he said, running his hand through his hair.

"Just finish, Edward," I said, my voice harsher that I intended, but I was angry that he was dragging this out. If he thought this was hard for him, he should try being me.

He looked down then as he picked at his nails and twisted his fingers in his lap.

"I didn't want to. I flat out refused, but I was told that I didn't have a choice. They knew I was married, so they promised that I didn't have to do anything...physical with her, that it wouldn't be expected. But it was foolish for them to promise me that and even more foolish for me to believe it."

He finally looked up at me, a wordless plea for understanding in his eyes. But I had none to give him. Edward's betrayal was becoming increasingly apparent, and I was becoming more and more anxious as the story progressed, but I willed myself to withhold judgment until he was finished.

When I said nothing, he dropped his head again and continued. "I asked Tanya out on a date. I was so unsure of myself; I had never done it before," he said, shaking his head, a humorless laugh escaping his lips. "I took her for lunch at this little café...it doesn't matter," he said, waving his hand in the air. " I took her out."

He looked up at me briefly as he continued. "She reminded me of you in so many ways. She was a nice girl. She was studying philosophy, spoke three languages and had a better grasp of world politics than anyone else in the group. She loved her father and her country but thought they could do better. She laughed easily and had a wicked sense of humor. She was tall and pretty and smart and could have had any boy she wanted. She was an experienced girl and wasn't shy or intimidated by boys or sex."

_So, not like me at all_, I thought bitterly.

"I courted her for a few weeks, though I literally had no idea what I was doing. I took her to dinner, dancing and to films. I took her for gelato and we went for long walks. I never...she wanted to talk. About me. About my past, my childhood, my thoughts and feelings. I was completely out of my element. It was so easy with you. You already knew everything there was to know about me so we never had to get to know each other.

"I kept my history as close to the truth as possible. I had been trained to use real life stories and situations if the cover story that had been given to me proved insufficient. So when she asked me about my past, I told her all about our childhood together, except it took place in Spain and you were my sister. She told me that my face lit up when I would talk about you. And that was one of the things that eventually roused her suspicion," he said softly, looking up at me.

He let out a long breath and looked out the window again.

"She finally asked me over to dinner to meet her father about a month after I first asked her out. I assumed he had me checked out and I prayed that my cover story was solid.

"Apparently it was, because he seemed to know much of my cover story already. He grilled me about the details, like I suppose any father would, and I held my own. As I recounted the cover story, I realized how well I had been trained. I didn't forget a thing and there was nothing he asked me that I didn't have an answer for.

"I was invited to dinner again the following week, and the week after that. Of course, conversation often turned to the war and I quickly realized that Tanya's father had no love for the Nazis, though he was very loyal to Italy. Over the weeks, he and I sort of...bonded over our feelings about the war. He would invite me for brandy and cigars after Sunday dinner and we would sometimes talk for hours. I never tried to make myself obvious, usually just going along with whatever he said. He was not only smart, but very wise. I'm convinced that these conversations were what eventually saved my life," he said softly. I saw him leave me for a moment, lost in his memories, staring blankly at the floor.

"I was able to obtain the information my contact ordered me to find," he eventually continued, redirecting his gaze out the window once again. "The Allied operation was a success, and the fact that they could confirm that was significant. I can't tell you what it was. Maybe someday... ." He trailed off and ran a hand through his hair "What am I saying?" he mumbled.

He shook his head as if to clear it before continuing. "I thought that would be it. That once I gave them the information they were looking for that I could come home. But now that I was so firmly entrenched, and had weekly contact with the head of the Fascist Council, they decided that I should stay on for as long as possible.

"My relationship with Tanya was...progressing. I never did more than hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek, and she would sometimes lay her head on my shoulder when we went to the cinema. But she told me that she cared about me and that she thought I was the sweetest boy she'd ever met. One day when we passed a small jewelry shop, she told me what kind of engagement ring she would like." Edward seemed to become more agitated as the story progressed; when his fingers weren't in his hair, they were in his mouth so he could bite his nails, his eyes were glued to the window and his leg was bouncing up and down. I dreaded what was coming. Part of me just wanted to run away from this entire conversation, but I held myself in place, knowing this might have been my only opportunity to know the truth.

When Edward continued, his voice was flat and emotionless. "I told her that I cared about her. That we had a future together. That someday I wanted to marry her and we would have a family.

"I guess she got tired to waiting for me, because a few weeks after that first dinner at her father's house, she kissed me." He stilled completely and looked blankly out the window. "I didn't stop her," he whispered. Even having an idea of what was coming didn't prepare me for the way his confession made me feel. I knew it would hurt, but the pain was almost a physical blow. My chest was tight and I was having trouble breathing, as if the wind had been completely knocked out of me.

"I didn't stop her because the mission was too important and I had worked too hard to have my cover blown. Everything I did was so I could get home to you," he said, a pleading tone in his voice.

"Just finish, please," I said softly, quickly wiping my tears and breathing deeply to try to alleviate the pain in my chest.

He nodded and let out a long breath. "She wanted...more. She told me in not so many words and at that point I knew that something had to give. There was no way I could be...intimate with her, but I didn't want to blow my cover either. Like I said, Tanya wasn't inexperienced when it came to relationships and she had certain expectations. My contact was no help. He told me it was my duty to complete the mission. I told him he could go fuck himself. Excuse me."

"Keep going," I managed to choke out, though I thought I was close to hyperventilating.

"It was...difficult. She was beautiful and she wanted me and I hadn't seen you in so long. I had no one around me to talk to, who I could be honest with, and I was so lonely. She really was a very nice girl."

I took a deep breath to try to stem the tears, but they fell anyway. I was shaking and I had a headache from trying to hold back the sob that wanted to escape my throat.

I felt my heart beating so fast that I was sure it would beat out of my chest. I was having trouble breathing and I heard a rushing sound in my ears. Edward was talking but I didn't hear anything he said.

It was all clear now. His distance. Not wanting to talk to me or touch me or sleep in the same bed with me. He had been with another girl. Someone smart and pretty and experienced and who wanted him. Maybe she did things I didn't want to do. Maybe she loved him in ways that I couldn't. Maybe he had loved me and missed me at first, but had eventually fallen in love with her

_That's why._

"That's why, what?" Edward asked, his brow knit in confusion, though I hadn't realized I had spoken aloud.

I couldn't look at him. Not when I loved him beyond reason and I now knew that he wanted someone else. It would hurt too much.

"That's why you don't want me anymore," I said softly, the words like acid in my mouth.

"What...Bella, you need to let me finish."

He didn't deny it.

At least I had my answer now. He did want to come here to end our marriage.

"No, I don't," I said. I didn't want to hear any more. I thought I was ready for this, that I could handle the end of my marriage, but I felt like I was drowning. The pounding in my ears was getting louder and my breathing was coming in gasps. I got up from the couch; I needed to get away from him and the awful truth he was about to tell me. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to be with her.

All of a sudden I felt my stomach lurch and I ran for the stairs, sure I was going to be sick. I made it to the to the bathroom just in time and hung my head over the toilet.

Once my stomach settled I sat back on the floor, and noticed Edward standing in the doorway.

He walked silently over to the sink and filled a glass with water, which I took gratefully when he handed it to me. I washed out my mouth and used my toothbrush and looked over at Edward when I was finished, but his face was unreadable. He held his hand out to me and I took it, marveling at how soft his was yet how strongly it held mine. And at how his touch brought me almost instant comfort, even now.

He continued to hold my hand as he walked me down the hallway to my room, and I wondered if it would be the last time he would touch me. Edward led me over to the bed, letting go of my hand as I laid down. He sat down on the floor next to the bed and I closed my eyes against the ache in my head.

I didn't intend to fall asleep, but the next thing I knew it was dark out and my muscles were crying out in protest when I tried to move, no doubt settling after the long trip in the cramped airplanes.

As I woke up, I could feel wetness on my cheeks. I had been crying in my sleep again.

Then the truth of what Edward told me returned. He was in love with someone else.

I felt him next to me. I knew he was here but I didn't want to face him and the rest of what he had to tell me.

"Bella," he said softly.

My stomach flipped over at the way he said my name and how his sweet breath washed across my face. I would miss him so much.

"Wake up, Bella. Please." His voice sounded so tired and sad. Maybe he just wanted to get this over with. Maybe he was tired of having to deal with me.

I opened my eyes and saw Edward kneeling next to me, a look of worry on his face. I took a deep breath to try to slow my pounding heart and be able to face what I was sure was about to happen.

"Are you all right?" he asked worriedly.

_No. I'll never be all right again._

"Yes, I'm fine." I was surprised at the strength in my voice when I felt like my heart was coming apart.

Despite that, I could tell that he was seeing right through me.

"Bella, I...I wish you would have let me finish," he said softly, pulling at his hair. "I did what I had to do. Following orders would get me out of there sooner."

He looked at me expectantly, but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. When I failed to say anything, he sighed deeply and continued.

"I told you once that I never wanted anyone except you. And I meant it," he said, sitting down with his back against the wall.

"Until... ." I prompted.

"No. Still."

I shook my head slightly, not understanding.

"I was with Tanya because I was ordered to be and every second I was with her was a betrayal to you and our marriage vows. And she was a nice girl who didn't deserve my deception."

I sat up with my back against the headboard, my arms around my legs. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be gleaning from his words. I felt confused and angry and I hurt more than I ever thought possible.

I rested my cheek on the knees, looking down at him, willing him to continue. To get this over with so I could wallow in the loss of him.

"If you had let me finish, I would have told you how my lies eventually unraveled. Please, let me get through this," he pleaded, looking up at me from his place on the floor.

I nodded and steeled myself for what was to come.

"I told my contact that I wanted to end the mission, that it was becoming too risky, but he told me that there was no way to stop it. I was in too deep and if I disappeared, it might compromise their plans. And they needed me as close as possible to Tanya's father.

"I...she...I never initiated anything with her, but the days passed and she would kiss me every time I saw her. I learned to dread those days..." He rested his chin on his knee and the blank stare was back, as if he wouldn't allow himself to feel anything about what had happened. "Like I said, she wanted more and I was sure, after a few weeks of dating, that she was becoming suspicious, so I went along with it.

"We took her father's car to a film one night and when I went to drop her at home...fuck...," he said, picking up his head and banging it lightly against the wall behind him, his eyes closed.

Still, despite his confession and what I was sure was coming, I wanted to slip from the bed and put my arms around him and try to take his pain away. I tried to squash that part of me that loved him without restraint or limit, but it was fruitless. It would always exist, I just needed to contain it long enough to get through this so I didn't make a fool of myself.

It was a few minutes before he continued and when he did, his voice was shaky and quiet. "It wasn't just one kiss anymore. I knew I should stop, but I was so afraid. All I could think about was you and...the thing that kept replaying in my mind was the conversation we had on the night of your last birthday, and how I told you that I only ever wanted you and that I only ever wanted to love you and make you happy. Your face had this softness and openness to it that I'd never seen before. You _trusted_ me..."

I didn't bother trying to stop or wipe my tears anymore, it would have been a wasted effort.

He was trembling now and his voice was so incredibly broken, but his eyes were dry . "She...touched me. I...she noticed that I wasn't...that..." He took a deep breath and looked up at me briefly before putting his head down again. "I wasn't aroused, and she noticed. She tried to...touch me, so I would...but it...it didn't have any effect on me. I should have put a stop to it sooner, but my mind wouldn't work. I was terrified that she would know something was wrong...that I didn't want her... .

"I eventually told her some lie about just being tired and nervous, which I thought she believed. I went home to my small apartment that night and decided that I couldn't do it anymore. Damn the consequences, I was coming home to you. The whole incident compounded my loneliness and my inability to function anymore. But I had just met with my contact and wouldn't see him for another five days and Tanya and I had plans the next night. Her father was having a party and there would be other government officials there, so the opportunity to gain information couldn't be passed up.

"I should have trusted my instincts," he said softly, still staring blankly at the wall. "When I arrived, Tanya practically dragged me to her room and...threw herself at me. I couldn't... ," he said, sighing and shaking his head. "The result was the same as the night before and...I don't imagine she was accustomed to boys not...reacting to her. Especially ones who professed to care about her and want a future with her.

"She was angry with me and no longer wanted to hear my excuse about being tired. What happened next was a mystery to me at the time, but I couldn't leave that party, I had a job to do. So I stayed and played the dutiful boyfriend, even though Tanya was upset with me and disappeared a few times without explanation."

He stopped and closed his eyes, his face looking so tired and his mouth in a grim line. "By the end of the night, when just about everyone was gone, Tanya's father invited me into his office for brandy and cigars, just as he had done countless times before." He opened his eyes slowly and I could see and hear his breathing speed up. "I wasn't supposed to take any personal effects from my life with me. But I couldn't not...bring something of you with me." He paused briefly and closed his eyes again. "I don't remember anything from that night after walking in to have brandy and cigars and seeing my wedding ring and your grandfather's watch laid out on his desk."

He looked up at me quickly, his voice soft. "I hid the watch and my ring in the floorboards in my apartment and would take them out on the nights I was really lonely for you." He looked back down and let a bitter laugh escape his lips. "I guess they were right, I shouldn't have taken them with me. Your Grandfather's watch is gone, Bella. I'm sorry," he said sadly.

He stopped and stared blankly at the wall in front of him. I waited a long time for him to continue, but was met with silence.

"Is that everything?" I eventually asked, my tears slowing enough so I could speak.

He shook his head slowly but didn't look at me. He rested his chin on his knee and sighed. "That's everything about Tanya, but there's more about...after...when they had me."

"The scars?" I whispered.

He nodded slowly but refused to look at me.

"We can wait. That's probably enough for one night," I said, not wanting to push him any further.

My tears eventually stopped completely and I looked at Edward for a long time. The thought that someone else had touched and kissed him made me want to be sick. I looked at him now and saw his experiences on him, whether I wanted to or not. But as I replayed his story over in my head, I slowly realized that what he had been through, what he had done, hadn't diminished my love for him. At all.

"I'm not sure I understand," I said softly. "Where is the part that's going to make me not love you anymore?"

"I betrayed you with Tanya," he said incredulously, as if it should have been obvious to me. "I was with another woman. I kissed her. I took her on dates and treated her like she was my girlfriend. I never once had the opportunity to do that with you. I don't deserve your love."

I shouldn't have been surprised. This was Edward and even though it had basically been out of his control, he took the blame on himself. I thought I should be angry that this happened, and I was angry, but not about that. I was angry that he didn't trust me with this and that he thought he was beyond forgiveness.

"And you decided this when?" I asked angrily.

He looked up at me, his eyes wide and fearful.

"Do you think so little of me?" I continued. "Do you have that little faith in me and in our marriage? How could you think that I wouldn't forgive this?"

"I did things with her that I never got a chance to do with you," he said, his voice insistent. "I was never able to take you out dancing or to nice restaurants. I couldn't take you out for ice cream or to see a film. I treated her like a girlfriend for weeks but you and I had one day together before the damn war came. I've barely had time for you at all the entire time we've been married. I've treated you abominably," he said, his head down.

"You've had plenty of time since you've been home, but you've been acting as if I don't exist."

"I'm sorry," he said, defeated.

"I don't want you to be sorry. I want to understand your behavior since you've been home."

"I love you so much, but all I seem to do is hurt you," he said quietly, grabbing at his hair.

"Do you?" I asked.

"Do I what?"

"Love me?" I asked in a small voice, almost afraid of the answer.

He looked at me then, and what I had be so unsure of became crystal clear. Every ounce of love he had for me was written on his face and tears sprang to my eyes, overwhelmed at seeing Edward again. My Edward.

"I love you more than anything in this world. I never stopped loving you, not for one second, and it's shameful that I ever led you to believe any differently," he said softly, but with conviction.

"Did you...did you want to be with...anyone else?" I asked. "The truth, Edward. No more lies or omissions."

"Never. I've never wanted anyone other than you. Ever," he said, his voice suddenly firm and earnest. "I did what I had to do, but there's never been anyone for me other than you."

"Then how much more time are we going to waste? How much longer are you going to hurt yourself, and me, for things that were out of your control? I wish this had never happened. I wish I could say that I was the only woman to ever kiss you or know you intimately. I hate that this happened to you. But I can't change it, and neither can you. You can't erase the past and you can't live your life full of remorse and regret," I said, wanting him so badly to come back to me now that I knew there was still hope for us.

He just sat there silent tugging at his hair.

I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed his wrists and pulled them away from his hair. "Please stop hurting yourself," I pleaded.

He looked up at me in shock, and then to his hand. "I'm not..."

"You are. You've been doing it since you got home. Please, you've been hurt enough without adding to it."

He looked at his hand one more time before dropping it into his lap.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he said brokenly, putting his hands over his face.

I got off the bed and knelt in front of him, taking his hands from his face and moving them down to his lap so I could look at him.

"Maybe things aren't perfect, and maybe they never will be, but you have to trust me enough to let me help you through this. Stop trying to protect me and stop punishing yourself. I know you wanted a certain life for us, I know you thought it would be different, but it's not. This is the life we've been handed. We can either live it together and deal with what comes, or live it apart. I don't want to do it alone. Do you, Edward?"

"No," he said earnestly. "Being near you is the only thing that brings me any peace."

"But you haven't been around me at all," I said sadly.

He looked up at me and suddenly, I was face to face with the boy I fell in love with. He ran his hand up and down his opposite arm and smiled just a little bit. "Why do you think I was waiting for you at the piano every day when you came home? I hated when you went back to work. Just knowing you were there in the house with me was so comforting. And then at night... ." He trailed off, the smile slipping from his lips and his brow furrowing.

"At night... ," I prompted.

"I would sit in that old rocking chair and watch you sleep," he said softly. "Sometimes, if I sat there long enough, I would get to a place where I could actually sleep for a few hours." He paused and ran a hand through his hair, pulling it, but I didn't stop him. It wouldn't be a habit we would break overnight. "Some nights you would be restless, and you would have worry lines on your face and sometimes you would...cry," he whispered. "And I wanted so badly to just crawl into bed with you and soothe away whatever was bothering you...but I knew it was me and the way I was treating you that disturbed your sleep and made you so unhappy"

"I don't understand. If you wanted...what's this all been about? Besides...Tanya," I said, swallowing thickly at having to say her name out loud.

He looked at me, so sad and desperate and broken, and spoke barely above a whisper. "I'm not...I'm not the same anymore. I'm ugly now, inside and out. You deserve better than that. Better than me. I don't want this for you. You've always been the brightest spot in my universe. I've only ever wanted to protect you and make you happy. But I don't feel like I can, not when I'm like this. I should leave you and let you go find someone who can, but I'm too selfish and I don't want to be without you."

I waited a minute to gather my thoughts before I responded. I felt, somehow, that what I was about to say could make or break not only our relationship, but Edward.

"Edward, I've loved you for as long as I can remember. You're the only boy I've ever loved and the only one I will _ever_ love. I hate what happened, but I love you now as much as I ever have and I don't want anyone else. Whatever you have to give me is what I'll take. I know you've been through terrible things, but if you do love me, please stop hurting me and let me help you. Because I can, you just have to give me the chance."

"I hate that I keep hurting you, but I feel so powerless. Things were out of my control for so long." He shook his head slightly and looked up at me, his expression so sad and miserable. "I promised to take care of you and give you a home, I promised you that you wouldn't be alone. I failed you at every turn."

"No, you haven't. You've only failed me in your mind. You have given me a home, and I was alone because I chose to be. I could have come back here, but being in _our_ home was more important to me. You are the most important thing in my life and I don't feel like you failed me."

He just shook his head and I sighed, frustrated at his lack of response and his unwillingness to believe in me and in us.

We sat there for a few more minutes, silent, until I noticed Edward trembling. The house was warm so I had to assume it was from something else. He'd been shivering since he came home.

"Are you cold?"

He nodded but stayed where he was, hid chin resting on his knee, no doubt punishing himself more.

I sighed and got up, reaching up to the top of the closet for a blanket I knew hadn't been packed all those months ago.

Then I felt two soft hands settle lightly on my hips from behind me.

My heart started hammering in my chest and my arms fell to my sides. I stilled completely, not knowing what his intention was but wanting his hands on me more than I wanted to breathe.

I heard him take a deep breath from behind me and his grip tightened. I felt the warmth of his chest as he moved closer to me and the anticipation made my knees weak.

His arms left my hips and he slowly wrapped them around me; I leaned into him and the sense of relief I felt overwhelmed me. He was finally touching me.

"I'm so sorry," he said softly, his breath against my ear making me shiver. "I've been so lost without you."

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," I said, turning my face into his neck and reveling in his closeness.

"I'm so scared, Bella."

"Of what?"

"Of disappointing you. Of you not loving me anymore. Of not being enough for you. You've changed so much and I'm scared that you don't need me anymore."

I turned in his arms and looked at his tired face, his fears written so clearly in his expression. "I don't need you anymore, not like I used to," I said. His face fell further and he went to take his arms from around me but I held fast. "Stop it. I love you. I want you. But I'm not the girl who can't function without you anymore. And I don't think that's a bad thing."

He nodded his head and moved a strand of hair from my face, gently tucking it behind my ear. "What if I don't know how to love you anymore?"

"You've always known how to love me. You don't need to be perfect and you don't need to be anything other than who you are. We'll figure the rest out as we go. Just don't shut me out anymore."

He nodded his head as a tear slipped from his closed eyes. They were wet when he opened them, but they had more life in them than I had seen since he came home.

Maybe there was still hope for us.

"I'm so tired," he said softly, leaning his forehead against mine.

"Come," I said, taking his hand and leading him over to the bed.

He laid down stiffly, relaxing only slightly as I sat down on the edge of the bed and ran my fingers under his eyes. "Do you sleep at all?"

He shook his head slightly. "No more than a couple of hours a night."

I got up and retrieved the blanket from the closet and draped it over him gently.

I kissed him on the forehead and went to get up from the bed but he grabbed my wrist firmly. "Please don't go."

I hesitated for just a second before I sat back down and took his hand in mine and stroked my thumb over his knuckles, deciding to sit with him until he fell asleep.

He looked at me for a long minute before pulling me down onto the bed next to him and wrapping his arms around me from behind.

I couldn't see his face but as he buried his face in my neck and inhaled deeply, I could feel the tension leave his body.

"Please don't leave me," he said softly, his lips grazing my neck.

I shuddered involuntarily, not having felt his lips on me in any capacity for so long. "I won't," I promised. "Please come back to me."

"I'm trying," he whispered into my hair.

I lay there for a long time, content that he was holding me, but my mind unable to rest from everything he had told me. I ached for him, for the boy untouched by war, for the life we were supposed to have and for the way he had loved me for all of those months. But this was our reality now; a life of war and tortured nightmares and scars, both those we could see and those we couldn't; of lost dreams and ideals and unmet expectations. There was no going back, but maybe we could go forward. Together.

I went to sleep that night, finally wrapped in the arms of my husband, and finally, I hoped, with my marriage on the road to recovery.

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**This is a bit long, sorry and thank you for bearing with me. (And yes, SR, that was the best I could do)**

**Thank you, as always, to my beta, Lucette21, and to LTR for her insights and recommendations.**

**The operation that Edward needed to confirm was a success was called Operation Mincemeat. Info can be found here: http:/en (dot) wikipedia (dot) org/wiki/Operation_Mincemeat**

**Dino Grandi was the real head of the Italian Fascist Council during WWII. He had daughters, though none of them were named Tanya. You'll hear a bit more about him in the next chapter.**

**Thank you to everyone who reads, recs, reviews and sends me encouraging PMs. I'm truly humbled by how much you care about these characters and by of your support of this story. I even appreciate everyone who accused me of gimmickry last chapter. Really.**

**A _Finding Home_ playlist, of which I heartily approve, was created by the lovely and talented mycrookedsmile. It can be found here: http:/www (dot) playlist (dot) com/playlist/19765209867**

**Thank you to the generous EllisBell725 for the fantastic WWII era photos.**

**For those of you who have been asking, the FGB auction information can be found at www (dot) thefandomgivesback (dot) com. The auction will take place in June to coincide with the release of Eclipse.**

**Thank you for reading. Until next time.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Thank you for all of your reviews. I'm sorry I didn't get to respond to all of them, but please know that each one is read and cherished. That you take the time to leave me your thoughts means more to me than I could ever express.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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I woke up too warm and still in my clothes from the night before. I felt like I hadn't moved all night and my muscles we stiff and tight. I blinked a few times, acclimating to my surroundings, the sunlight coming through the windows and the warm body behind mine.

I let out a long breath, relieved that he was still here with me.

I didn't know if I should get up or stay where I was, wake him or let him sleep. Despite the fact that he was my husband and I had woken with him on countless mornings, I had no frame of reference for this particular morning after. Because part of me was afraid that I would be faced with the angry brooding stranger who had been living with me for months and not the sweet boy who asked me not to leave him the night before.

I had stayed up a good portion of the night thinking about everything Edward told me, and about what was to come. About what I wanted out of my life and my marriage and about what I could and couldn't handle.

The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted my husband back and I was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. I still had a thousand questions, but I knew that the nature of his time away wouldn't allow for all of the answers I sought. But more than I wanted answers, I wanted him to come back to me, to open up to me about what he had been through and how he was feeling. Because no matter how I felt about what he had told me, and had yet to reveal, he was suffering on levels I couldn't understand. I wouldn't add to that; my anger and heartache would have to wait, because whether he realized it or not, he was slowly destroying himself, and I wouldn't let that happen. No matter what.

And the simple fact was, I loved him. He had been a part of me for my whole life and the day I realized I loved him as more than a friend I also realized that I would love him forever. I wasn't ready to give up on him, or on us. He needed me now in ways I had never needed him, and I was incapable of turning my back on him. He had been through enough and I knew, without him telling me, that my rejection of him would have destroyed him completely.

I was deathly afraid of what lay ahead for us, but for now, his arm was around me and that gave me a small measure of confidence.

I felt Edward stirring behind me and my heart skipped a beat, my fear about who I would be faced with becoming a reality.

"Bella," he said, his voice gravelly from sleep.

He tightened his arm around me and I let out a breath of relief.

"Good morning," I said softly.

"Is it morning?" he asked, sounding confused.

I didn't understand his question at first but then the meaning of his confusion dawned on me. "You slept," I said.

"I did," he said, a hint of astonishment in his voice.

He sighed deeply, burying his head in my hair.

"You're still here," he said softly. "I'm so sorry, Bella. For everything."

"I know," I said. "No more apologies, okay?"

I felt him nod his head behind me but I knew him well enough to know it would take more than that for him to stop blaming himself for something that was essentially out of his hands.

I was still so tentative and unsure, but I slowly turned onto my back so I could look at Edward, hoping that what happened last night had stayed with him and he wouldn't revert back to the sullen boy he had been at home.

When I looked in his face, it was a swirl of emotion. I saw my own fear mirrored back at me, but more than that, the love he felt me for me written all over his face. It made my heart beat quickly and my face flush in happiness and relief; just a few hours before, I had been sure my marriage was over.

"Thank you for staying with me," he whispered, gently moving a piece of hair from my face, looking at me with fear in his eyes. "Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "But I want us to figure it out together."

"Me too," he said. "But I'm still not sure...I can't promise...there's still so much...I'm sorry, I can't seem to explain myself." He lowered his forehead to my chest and gave up trying to untangle his thoughts.

"I know. I know you can't promise me anything and I know you're still hurting. I know you've changed. I just want you to let me help you," I said, running my hands through his hair. He hadn't had a haircut in a long time and he needed one, badly.

"You have no idea how good that feels," he said softly, resting his head fully on my chest and wrapping his arm around me.

I smiled and continued to run my hands through his soft bronze strands, wanting more than anything to bring him the comfort he had been missing, and had convinced himself he didn't deserve.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, wanting very much to be able to take care of him again in some tangible way.

He shook his head against my chest, but I was undaunted. "Your mom left some groceries, I'm sure there's coffee," I said hopefully.

"Okay," he answered. But he made no move to remove himself from me, so we laid there silently for a few more minutes as my hands traveled from Edward's hair and down to his shoulders. When I ran my hands under his shirt and touched his back, he practically jumped off the bed and away from me, his back to the window.

I raised myself on my elbows and looked over at him, wondering what I had done wrong. Edward was looking down and breathing heavily, his hands tightly gripping the windowsill.

Then I remembered walking in on him when he was taking his shirt off and the scars that were scattered over his body.

I sat up and considered my options. I wasn't positive that he ran away from me because of the scars, but it seemed likely, and I thought it might be a good opportunity to open the discussion about how he got them. But I wasn't sure he was ready, especially after the previous evening, and I didn't want to push him anymore. I knew we would have to discuss it eventually, but I would wait until he was calmer to bring up something so obviously painful. Now simply wasn't the time. So I rose from the bed and silently made my way to the bathroom, where I freshened up, and then went downstairs to make coffee.

I felt oddly comfortable in this space, and as I got the coffee started, I mused on how coming here had been a wonderful idea and I hoped, a positive step for our marriage. I took the coffee into the living room and set it down on the table, pouring a cup for each of us.

"I've been horrible to you. Why do you still love me?" Edward asked, startling me with his presence in doorway.

I turned and handed him his coffee, and when we were seated next to each other on the couch, I answered his question. "I'll always love you," I said simply.

"Okay, then why do you still want me? After everything. Why aren't you leaving me?" he said, his head down. I sighed at his defeated posture and attempted to lighten the mood.

"Would you rather I did?" I asked playfully. "My bag is still packed."

His head flew up and he looked at me, his eyes wide and fearful. "Are you...do you... ?" he stuttered out.

I quickly realized it was too soon to be flippant and grabbed his hands tightly. "Stop it," I said. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere and I meant it." I searched his eyes for understanding and acceptance, and after I found it, I answered his previous question. "I want you because you're my husband and I love you. I want you because you're my best friend and the person who knows me better than anyone. I want you because wanting you is all I know, and all I want to know. Because you're a part of who I am and no matter what's happened, you're worth fighting for, and so is our marriage."

He didn't respond to me so I stayed silent and let what I said sink in. I would keep reminding him that he wasn't a failure until he actually believed it. I released his hands and sipped my coffee, waiting him out.

"You've changed so much, Bella." he finally said. "You're still the same in so many ways, but you seem...I don't know. Stronger. More sure of yourself." He shook his head and looked down. "I don't feel worthy of you, but I want to be."

"You are more than worthy. Why do you feel that way?"

"I betrayed you. I should have done something, anything to prevent what happened. I never should have kissed anyone else, or let anyone else...touch me. You deserve better than that."

My mouth was suddenly dry and my hand trembled slightly as I put my coffee cup down. Edward being with Tanya was something I would have to accept, but I didn't necessarily want to hear about it anymore either. "What could you have done?" I asked rhetorically. "It was out of your hands."

He shook his head and looked away and I knew my words had no effect. "Do you want me to leave you? Is that why you've been pushing me away?" I asked.

"Yes...no," he stammered. "I love you so much; I don't ever want to be without you, but I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. Maybe there's someone out there better for you, who can take care of you and be strong for you."

"There is no one else for me. Please stop saying that," I said firmly. "Why do you need to be strong for me? Why can't I be strong for you and for me? It won't be forever, but for now, let me take care of you."

"It's my job to take care of you."

"Your job? So it's something you do because you have to?"

"No, that's not what I meant," he said, his jaw clenching.

"Then stop calling it your job. I can't...I don't...ugh...you're my husband, not my father. My father took care of me because he was supposed to. You and I chose each other." I paused for a minute to gather my thoughts and control my frustration; I didn't want this to turn into an argument. "You know, Edward, when you first came back home, I thought...I thought maybe you didn't love me anymore and that you were staying with me out of obligation, because of the promises you made to me when Charlie died."

"Bella, I lo–"

"Let me finish. I know that you love me, I know you want to take care of me and that you want my life to be easy. But I vowed to be with you through good times and bad, and this is one of those bad times. Granted, I never thought they would be _this_ bad, but if this is the worst that life hands us, we can only get better from here. I want us to be partners. I want us to take care of each other and share everything, including the way we both feel about your time away."

He looked down and nodded, his face showing nothing but misery, and I wondered if I was losing him. If all this talking was too much, too soon.

"Hey," I said softly, putting my hand on his knee. "What is it?"

He ran his hand through his hair, but kept his head down and spoke softly. "I need...can I?...this is all... ." He ran his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing roughly.

A lot happened in the past twenty-four hours, and for someone who had spent much of the last few weeks alone, I suspected he needed some time to process everything. And maybe I did too. "Is this too much? Do you need some time?" I asked softly.

"You always know exactly what I need," he said, lifting his eyes to mine. "How do you do that?"

I tilted my head and looked at him, a small smile on my face. "I've known you a long time, and I pay attention," I said. "I'm going to have some breakfast and then go unpack our suitcases. What will you do?"

"I just need...I don't know...maybe I'll go for a run," he said, unsure and running his hand through his hair.

"It's okay. I'll be upstairs if you need me," I said, rising from the couch and gathering our coffee cups.

"Thank you, Bella. I really don't deserve you," he said softly.

I dismissed his comment, smiled softly at him and went to the kitchen to make myself breakfast.

Edward found me a few hours later, unpacking complete, sitting on the bed, reading a book.

He stood in the doorway and cocked his head to the side, staring at me. After a moment, he climbed into bed with me, took the book from my hands, asked me where I was on the page, and started reading to me.

In the past I would have laid my head on his chest and listened, but remembering his reaction to me touching his back just that morning, I tentatively laid my head in his lap and didn't relax until he put his hand in my hair, stroking it lightly.

My long night caught up with me and I felt my eyelids closing, the soothing sound of Edward's voice the last thing I heard as I drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

I startled awake to the sound of the phone ringing and disentangled myself from Edward, who was sleeping with me, and ran downstairs to get it before I was fully awake.

"Hello?" I answered groggily.

"Bella, honey, it's Esme. Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine," I said, running my hand over my face. "We were taking a nap."

She paused for a beat and then cleared her throat. "I'm sorry to wake you. I just wanted to know if you and Edward were coming for dinner tonight."

"Oh," I said. I hadn't given it a thought all day, focusing all of my attention on Edward. "Um...let me ask Edward what he wants to do after he wakes up. Is that all right?"

"Maybe we should just postpone until tomorrow. How about lunch?" I could hear the smile in her voice but was too hazy to ask her about it.

"That sounds good," I said, relieved that we wouldn't have to worry about dealing with anything else tonight.

After I hung up with Esme, I made my way back upstairs to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, watching Edward sleep. He looked so peaceful and almost boy-like in slumber. I smiled as I remembered that boy and the history we had, and how he had saved me so many times. And now as I looked at the man that boy had become, I knew it was my turn to save him.

I sat there a bit longer and was about to get up when his brow furrowed and a small moan escaped his lips.

I reached out to touch him and offer him comfort, but before I could make contact, he gasped loudly and sat up in bed, his eyes panicked and glazed over and his breathing labored.

I froze for a moment, unsure of what to do, but I took a deep breath and quickly decided to take some action. This was similar to what happened back home in Maryland, and I handled that, just as I would handle this.

"Edward?" I said, reaching out gingerly to touch his arm.

When I made contact, he cringed, curled up against the headboard and buried his head in his arms in a defensive posture.

He had let me comfort him immediately last time, but now I wasn't sure what to do – I didn't know if this situation was the same or different; I wasn't even sure if he was awake or having a nightmare. I waited a moment and then said his name again, very softly and slowly.

I wasn't certain if he heard me; he hadn't moved at all and didn't acknowledge me. I was terrified of doing the wrong thing, but I couldn't sit there and watch him suffer. I wished I had some help; someone to tell me what to do. But I didn't and I was going to have to face this alone, whether I wanted to or not. I weighed my options – I could let him ride it out and come back to me when his episode was over, or I could try to help him out of it. But after giving it a moment's thought, I realized there really was no option.

I very slowly got on the bed with Edward and made my way over to him, talking to him softly the entire time.

"Edward, it's me. It's Bella. I'm not going to hurt you." I repeated those words over and over until I was next to him on the bed, but not touching him. He was shivering and breathing hard and saying words I couldn't understand because his head was buried in his arms and legs.

I very slowly and very gently laid my hand on his back, mindful that he was sensitive when I touched him, and continued speaking softly to him. He cringed away from my touch at first, but as I began to rub his back, his shaking subsided and his breathing slowed.

I eventually put one hand in his hair and then was able to move him so I was holding him against me. After a while, his arms wound their way around me and he laid his head on my chest. I let out a long breath, relieved that the worst seemed to be over and that he was letting me touch and comfort him. I still wasn't sure what had happened, but I could guess that he had something akin to a waking nightmare. It absolutely terrified me, but I knew that my fear was nothing compared to what Edward had been through, and what he was reliving in his dreams.

As we sat there, I wondered about the other times this had happened, because I knew this wasn't the first. I pictured Edward at home, in the dark, waking from a nightmare, trembling and crying. Alone and desolate. Having no one and nothing to comfort him. And feeling like he didn't deserve the comfort and peace he so desperately needed.

I tightened my arms around him and kissed his hair, wanting more than anything for him to feel safe and secure and loved. It made my heart hurt that he had to go through this, but the thought of him suffering alone and isolated made me absolutely ache for him.

"Edward?"

He nodded and let out a long breath.

"Can I get you anything? A glass of water?" I asked.

He shook his head and tightened his hold on me, silently telling me what he needed.

Even though I started to get uncomfortable, I continued to sit there and hold him, the tips of his hair tickling my face and neck. And as I held my trembling husband in my arms, I told him a story. About a boy and a girl who were best friends who spent long, lazy summer days on the beach together. And about one day when they were nine and the boy decided to make a sand castle, and the girl went to help, as she always did, but on this particular day, the boy refused, wanting to do it on his own.

So the girl went to play with her other friend as the boy spent hours painstakingly building an enormous castle out of sand. He was concentrating so closely on it that he failed to notice the tide coming in, and just as the girl was coming back, a huge wave came in and destroyed the boy's castle.

The boy sat there dejectedly, tears welling up in his eyes, all of his hard work taken away in a matter of seconds. The girl was crying too, for the boy she loved and everything he had lost. She knew that crying would do no good; it wouldn't bring the castle back. But she knew what would; the two of them, working together, could rebuild it faster and better than the boy working alone.

So she went over to him and silently picked up a bucket and a shovel and began to rebuild his castle further from the shore. The boy stared at the girl for a few minutes before he went up to her, kissed her on the cheek, and got to work.

When they were finished, the castle was bigger and stronger than the one the boy had built by himself.

By the time I finished the story, the room was dark and Edward's trembling had subsided.

"I forgot about that day," he whispered, his voice scratchy and rough.

"It was a long time ago," I said softly, playing with hair at the base of his neck.

"Was it?" he asked.

"Are you okay?" I asked, knowing my words were inadequate for the situation we were in, and knowing that he was far from okay.

"Yes," he said softly and unconvincingly.

"Does that happen often?"

He nodded his head slightly. "This is why I stayed away from you after I came home. I didn't want for you to have to deal with this."

"You can't make that decision for me," I said kindly. "I love you, I don't have to _deal with_ anything." I paused, kissing the top of his head and running my hands through his hair. "If this was me, Edward, would you leave me to deal with it alone, or would you help me if you could?"

"It's not the same."

"It is. You have to get this notion that I'm some delicate girl who needs protecting out of your head. I'm not."

"Logically, I know you're not. But that doesn't make me want to protect you any less, even if it's from me."

"You're going to have to learn."

He nodded and spoke softly. "I know."

I sighed and rubbed his back through his shirt, which he seemed to tolerate, as we sat there silently for a few more minutes. "You haven't eaten since we left Maryland. I'm going to go make us dinner and I want you to eat something," I said, my tone leaving no room for argument.

"All right," he said, picking himself up off of me. "I'm going to take a quick shower."

"Okay," I said, stretching my muscles and getting off the bed. "Meet me downstairs."

As I walked away from the bed, Edward grabbed my wrist and brought me back to him, turning me around and burying his head in my stomach as he sat on the side of the bed, his legs dangling off the edge. His arms were tight around me and my hands immediately went into his hair.

"Thank you," he said softly. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

He let me go and looked up at me, a smile on his face; the first genuine smile I'd seen in so long that it made my stomach do flips. He was in there somewhere, it was just going to take us time and effort to get him back. Time and effort that I was more than willing to put in.

We ate dinner, we talked about inconsequential things, like how we were enjoying the weather in Hawaii and how nice it was to be back, but it felt good. Normal.

Edward didn't eat much, but he did get some nourishment and seemed to enjoy our meal. After we were finished, we stood at the sink and did the dishes; I washed and he dried and we worked in tandem like clockwork, just like we always had.

It was late by the time we finished and I was tired again, and I could see from Edward's face that he was too. I wanted him to come to bed with me but even though we had slept in the same bed the previous evening, I wasn't sure where that left us.

I took a deep breath and just decided to ask. Playing coy would get me nowhere.

"I'm tired," I said, looking down. "I'm going to go up to bed. Are you coming?"

"I don't know if that's a good idea," he said. I felt the tears well up in my eyes almost immediately. Even after everything that had happened prior to us coming to Hawaii, I wasn't prepared for his rejection. Our relatively normal evening of having a meal and doing the dishes together had lulled me into a false sense of security and optimism. I turned away and ran up the stairs, wiping my cheeks on the way.

Once upstairs, I quickly changed into my nightgown and got under the covers, still crying, hoping sleep would alleviate the ache in my chest. I tried to tell myself that I was asking for too much too soon, that he was still hurting and it had only been a day, but the pep talk couldn't stem the tide of my tears.

When I heard the bedroom door open, my heart started hammering in my chest. Against my will, hope started to creep in, but I told myself that he was just here for clothes or a book and not for me.

I felt the mattress dip and he sat close to me and put his hand gently on my back.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't mean to make you cry. But I wish you would have let me explain myself. As tired as I am, I don't sleep well and I don't want to keep you up. You need your rest."

I sniffed and nodded my head. "Okay."

"I want...I want to be close to you. More than anything. May I?" he asked, his voice shaky.

I nodded again, not exactly sure what he meant, but wanting to be close to him too. He got up from the bed and left the room for a few minutes. When he came back in, I turned onto my opposite side and saw him in sweats and t-shirt, getting in bed next to me.

We lay there on our sides facing each other, not touching until he gently took my hand in his. "I'm sorry," he said again. "I seem to be an expert at saying the wrong thing."

"It's okay," I said. "We're getting to know each other again and it's going to take time. It was silly of me to cry." I sniffed and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.

"No, it wasn't. Even if it was unintentional, I was hurtful to you. And I really, really want to try to stop doing that. Forgive me?" he asked, his breath warm on my face.

"Of course," I said through my tears.

"I know I'm not functioning properly," he said softly, wiping my tears gently. "I know I'm not...engaged in life. I'm smart enough to realize this, but I'm not smart or strong enough to know how to change it."

"I know," I said. "But I want more than anything to be able to help you find your way. Please let me. I miss you."

"I miss you too. I'm trying, Bella. I want to fix the damage I've done to our relationship. I want to be well for you," he said softly.

I nodded and moved close to him, our legs tangling together, the heat from his body so comforting.

We drifted off like that, and I only woke once during the night; Edward was shivering in his sleep and I covered him in a blanket before snuggling close to him and falling back to sleep.

x-x-x-

Edward seemed to sleep well again, as did I, and we woke up refreshed the next morning. Edward ate a little breakfast with me and then we decided to head over to the beach to take a walk before going to lunch with Edward's parents.

We walked hand in hand along the water, not really talking much. I was enjoying the sunshine and the feel of Edward's hand in mine, content to be in his presence without having to fill out time together with constant chatter. I could only imagine how difficult it would be for him to tell me the rest of his story, so I didn't begrudge him this respite.

Eventually we came to an outcropping of rocks where we used to sit when we were younger and Edward stopped and helped me up. We sat next to each other, Edward's arm around me against the cool breeze coming off the ocean.

But I couldn't forget everything that happened after he first came home, and despite my vow to not pressure him, I wanted some answers.

"Why didn't you want me?" I asked softly.

"What do you mean?" he responded, clearly surprised.

I twisted my fingers in my lap and looked out into the ocean. "When you got home...you had a nightmare and I went to you and you said you didn't want me."

Edward took a deep breath and let it out. I felt him staring at me, though I was still looking out into the sea, afraid of his answer.

"Look at me," he said.

I didn't want to, my old fears and feelings of inadequacy resurfacing.

"Please, Bella," he said softly, taking my hand in his and threading our fingers together.

I looked over at him, his eyes so full of longing and remorse.

"There hasn't been a day that I can remember when I didn't want you. When you found me that night, I was so afraid of dragging you down with me. I didn't want you to see me like that, so weak and afraid. I was in such a bad place, between what happened with Tanya and the nightmares and the despair I felt..." He trailed off and squeezed my hand tightly. "When I spoke to you that way...Bella, I wanted you so much that night it was an actual ache in my chest. I told you I didn't want you, but the truth was, you were the only thing I wanted. Sending you away and knowing I had upset you made everything so much worse...I just wanted you to be happy, and it seemed all I ever did was make you miserable. I thought I was protecting you from me.

"I spent the rest of that night, and many afterward, fantasizing about what your touch would feel like, how it would calm me and make me happy, even for just a little while. But I didn't deserve your comfort. I failed you. I couldn't keep our vows. They were sacred and I broke them. But God, Bella, for you to think there was ever a time I didn't want you... ."

He wrapped me gently in his arms and I closed my eyes and buried my face in his neck. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, and my eyes slipped closed; he was so close to me and the smell of him gave me butterflies in my stomach.

"I know I'm not making a lot of sense right now, but I have always and will always want you." He moved me away from him slightly and looked down at me, his fingers gently touching my face. "I'm sorry," he said.

I nodded my head and looked back at him, wanting him to see my forgiveness clearly. "I love you," I said softly.

"I love you," he said, running his knuckles softly across my cheek.

"I want to...kiss you," he said shyly. "I've missed you so much and I don't want my last...to have been from someone else. I know I can't erase what happened, no matter how much I want to. But... ." He trailed off, shaking his head and looking down.

I put my finger under his chin and looked into his eyes. "I know you can't erase the past. But I love you, and nothing has or ever will change that. I just want you to love me back."

I saw his eyes flash quickly in what I thought was anger before they softened and he looked at me. "I do love you. So much that I don't know what to do with all of it sometimes. Please, I need you to believe me."

"I do."

He leaned in to kiss me, his hand on the side of my face. The anticipation made my stomach flutter and my breath hitch as my eyes closed and I waited for our first kiss in almost a year.

But it never came.

I opened my eyes to see Edward staring at me, his jaw clenched and his eyes dark.

"What is it?" I asked, taken aback at the quick turn of events.

"That letter I read...I know it's not fair, but the thought that your lips would ever touch someone else's makes me so...angry. I need to know, Bella...please."

I reached and ran my hands through the hair at the back of his neck, forcing his head up so I could look in his eyes. "I've never wanted anyone else. You're the only one I've ever kissed."

"Fuck. I _hate_ that I can't say the same thing," he said angrily, his jaw tight and his hands in fists.

"It's okay," I said, stunned at his sudden change in mood and moving my hands away from him quickly.

"No, it's not okay," he practically shouted, turning away from me and jumping down to a lower rock, pacing back and forth. "It's wrong and it's shameful and it shouldn't be like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"Please don't shout at me," I said.

"I'm not," he snapped, looking over at me. His face softened immediately and his hand went to his hair, pulling. I wanted to tell him to stop but his moods were volatile and I was a little afraid of what his reaction would be.

"I _was _shouting at you. I didn't mean it," he said, a pleading tone in his voice. "Please don't be angry with me."

I was at a complete loss. He seemed to go from pleading to angry to distraught in the space of a minute. I sat there, twisting my fingers in my lap, not wanting to say the wrong thing, so saying the only thing I thought he might want to hear at that moment. "I'm not angry with you."

He came over to me and buried his face in my lap, groaning in frustration. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I had no right to even ask you that. Not after what I did."

I took his hands out of his hair and replaced them with my own. As rough as he had been with himself was as gentle as I was when I touched him. "You can ask me anything. And you do have a right to know, just like I had a right to know what happened to you. But I'm telling you the truth."

"I know you are," he said, his voice muffled in my lap.

"I've forgiven you for what happened. When are you going to forgive yourself?" He didn't answer me and we sat there for a long time, the sun making his hair almost gold as I ran my fingers through it, and for the first time, I thought that maybe I wouldn't be enough to help him through this. I was frightened for him and for us and if I didn't know it before, I knew now that we would be dealing with the ramifications of Edward's time in Italy for a long time to come.

We eventually got up made our way to the house, and as we walked in the door, Esme glanced quickly at our clasped hands, a smile spreading across her face.

"Hi, Mom," Edward said softly, accepting her hug, but not letting go of my hand and putting one arm around her.

She let him go and put both of her hands on his cheeks. "You look so tired."

"I am, but I slept well last night," he said, squeezing my hand lightly.

She looked at him for a long moment, so obviously concerned, before turning to me. "Hello, Bella," she said, embracing me as well.

Carlisle came up to us and Edward stuck his hand out, but he bypassed it and hugged Edward tightly. Edward seemed to handle it well, if a bit stiffly, until Carlisle patted his back. Hard. It caused Edward to step back and put his back against the foyer wall, his eyes wide. Esme looked stricken, and she and Carlisle looked at each other quickly, then back at Edward, while I stepped in front of Edward and took his hand in mine, looking up at him.

"It's all right," I said softly. "You're all right." I touched his face lightly and searched his eyes for recognition.

He looked at me and nodded, and I was gratified that he seemed to be completely lucid and aware of his surroundings. I pulled him into a tight hug and whispered in his ear. "Do you need to go back to the house?"

He shook his head and pulled away from me. "No, I think I'm okay," he said softly. "Thank you."

"Dad..." he said, looking over to Carlisle, who held his hand up.

"There's no need," he said. "We're just glad you're home. Come on in, I think your sister is waiting to see you."

After enduring a hug from Alice, Edward held me close to his side and stood awkwardly in the living room. We eventually sat down and Edward held my hand while we made small talk for a few minutes, then I noticed Edward eying the piano warily. After his revelations about his time away, I finally put together why he never played at home, even though it would have helped his hand. I thought briefly of calling Rose and asking her to have the one I bought for Edward's rehab removed from the house.

"Why don't you play, Edward? I haven't heard you play in so long," Esme asked. She has misinterpreted his look as longing, though she didn't know what he had been through so her request was innocent enough.

"No, Mom," Edward said softly, shaking his head and squeezing my hand tightly.

"Oh, come on," she said happily. "How about the piece you used to play fo–"

"Esme, I'm not sure that's such a good idea," I interjected.

"Why on earth not?" she asked.

"Goddammit, I said no!" Edward shouted at Esme, his eyes blazing and his body tense.

Everyone in the room looked at Edward while he was staring at his mother with something like hate in his eyes. I realized the situation could deteriorate very quickly, so I put a hand on either side of Edward's face and tried to get him to focus on me.

"Edward," I said, trying to force him to meet my eyes. "Look at me, please."

After a moment his eyes finally flicked down to mine, then back to his mother, then resting completely on me. His eyes softened and his anger quickly disappeared, but he began to tremble. I took him in my arms and held him tightly, trying to help him through this incident that I didn't fully understand. I saw Carlisle lead an obviously distraught Esme from the room and we sat alone for a while as I pondered the wisdom of exposing Edward to situations that he wasn't ready to handle.

It was too soon for this. I knew that now and I just wanted us to make it through the afternoon so I could get him back home.

"I can't, Bella...it's so – ."

"Shhh," I said soothingly, cradling his head on my shoulder. "It's all right. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

He buried his face in my neck and clutched that back of my shirt tightly as he tried to regain some control. I held him closely until his breathing evened out and he eventually raised his head and looked around the room.

He looked back to me, a pleading look in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened," he said shakily. "Just...the thought of playing again."

"It's all right," I said, fighting the urge to cry. "I know. And your parents will understand. Maybe this wasn't a good idea."

He nodded his head and looked over to the kitchen, from where we could hear low, murmuring voices. "I should go apologize to my mom," he said, his voice surprisingly strong.

"Okay," I said. "Would you like me to go with you?"

"Yes, please," he said, taking my hand and leading me toward the kitchen, where we found Carlisle, Esme and Alice seated around the table.

"Mom?" Edward asked tentatively.

Everyone looked quickly in Edward's direction and he swallowed loudly. "I'm sorry," he said, looking at his mother. "I didn't mean to shout at you. I just can't play right now."

Esme waved off his apology and rose from her seat. "I know you didn't mean it. I'm the one who should be sorry, I should have listened to you the first time. Just try to be patient with us," she said, a worried look on her face.

"I'm the one who should ask for patience," he said, accepting his mother's embrace. "I'm sorry, Mom," he whispered in her ear.

"Stop apologizing," she whispered back. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he said, releasing her and pulling me close to his side.

"Well," Carlisle said, making his way over to the oven and opening the door. "I'm starved and this casserole looks about ready. What do you all say to lunch?"

We all murmured our agreement and set about preparing and then eating our lunch, which was much less tense than I feared it would be, though Edward mostly kept to himself and barely touched his food.

Alice told us the latest news from Jasper over our meal. She was planning their wedding for the following year, whether the war was over or not. Jasper was still flying, stationed on the _Princeton_. Though he hadn't been flying long, Alice seemed to think he had found what he was meant to do and told us that he felt now, more than ever, that he was making a real contribution to the war effort.

As Alice was telling us this, I saw Edward's hand ball into a fist on his thigh under the table. I didn't know if it was war talk, or the specifics of what Jasper was doing, but something was making him anxious. I put my hand on top of his and rubbed gently until his fist loosened enough that I could thread my fingers through his.

And I changed the subject at my next opportunity.

As we were cleaning up, Edward pulled me to the side.

"I'm just going to go for a walk with my dad," he said. He looked nervous so I grabbed his hand and squeezed.

"Of course, go ahead," I replied, smiling.

"You won't...I mean, I'm not... ," he said, groaning at the end as words failed him. But he didn't need to articulate what he was feeling. It was written all over his face.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here when you get back."

A look of relief crossed his face before he hugged me and went out back to meet his father.

Alice was finishing the clean up when Esme found me staring out the back window at the beach and the retreating figures of Edward and Carlisle.

"He's... ," Esme said, turning her hands over, obviously at a loss for words.

"Yeah, he's been through a lot. We're working through it."

"Has he told you anything yet?"

"Some, but we haven't gotten to everything. He's hurting. More than I realized," I said, shaking my head. "I feel like I'm in over my head. He's so volatile and his moods change so quickly. I don't know if I'm helping or hurting at this point. It's hard to tell."

"You are helping," she said with conviction. I looked at her, surprised at how sure she sounded. "It is so plain to me how much you love each other, and how much he needs you. I can see how his moods change, and I also see how you have a calming effect on him. You might not see it, but I see a positive change in him even in the short time since I picked you up from the airport. I don't think he can do this without you."

"There is no question that I'll be with him and help him as much as I can. Please believe that. But I'm scared that I won't be enough."

"Do you think he needs to see a doctor?"

"I don't know," I said, shaking my head. "He's wouldn't even accept my help back home, but he seems more receptive since we've been here. Maybe in time he'll be ready to talk to someone." I shrugged my shoulders. "It's something to think about."

"Have you told him that you teach Italian yet?"

I looked at her, my mouth practically hanging open in surprise. "Did he tell you..."

"No, but Alice told me he was speaking Italian in his sleep in the hospital, and I see the way he is...I just assumed that's where he was."

I nodded, impressed that she had put that together, but not wanting to tell her anything I wasn't supposed to. "I haven't told him yet. It hasn't really come up and in all honesty, I'm a little afraid of what his reaction might be."

Esme nodded her head. "I understand," she said. "Just don't...don't lie. You'll handle it, whenever it comes up," she said, reaching over and patting my shoulder lightly.

I smiled at her in acknowledgment, though I doubted she understood the full extent of what was happening with Edward, and how something like that might set him off.

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**Thanks, as always, to Lucette21 for her mad beta skillz, and to LTR for prereading.**

**A bit of housekeeping...This is turning out to be much longer than I initially thought it would be. I'm still shooting for under 30 chapters, but I'm probably going to cut it close. Thanks to those of you who are sticking with me. I'm trying to get them through this, but in a realistic way. If I made their marriage better overnight it wouldn't be genuine or true to what I've done for the first 24 chapters. Edward's dealing with a lot of crap right now, and by extension, so is Bella.**

**I know most of you were expecting Edward to tell Bella the rest of what happened in Italy in this chapter. Truthfully, so was I. But he wasn't feeling talkative and when I tried to make him, it felt forced. If I were him, I wouldn't want to talk about it either. Next time, whether he likes it or not, I promise.**

**Until then, thank you for reading.**

**Oh, and I have a twitter account where I'll sometimes leave teasers. Otherwise, I'm not that interesting. Link at the bottom of my profile.****  
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	25. Chapter 25

**A note about the timing: Italy declared war on Germany on October 13, 1943. Edward and Bella left a week after that for Hawaii, and at this point they've been there for just under a week. So accounting for travel time, let's say we're right about at October 31st at the beginning of this chapter.**

**Thank you again for all of your reviews. I'm sorry I didn't get to respond to all of them, but please know that I read and appreciate every single one. I should have more time for responses this go 'round, as I have a huge portion of the next chapter already written.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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"I was moved after that day," Edward said. "I was in a small room by myself that was cold and dark and completely bare." His head was in my lap and we were on the couch in the living room, just back from a walk on the beach. He had been telling me the rest of the story slowly, stopping when he'd had enough for any given day.

It had only been five days since the blow up at his parents' house and we hadn't been back since. It seemed wise to keep Edward away from situations we couldn't control; he obviously didn't have a handle on his emotions, and the fewer triggers for his outbursts the better. He snapped at me occasionally, but mostly when things got uncomfortable, he would walk away or go for a run instead of dealing with how he felt. I couldn't have the radio on in the house because I never knew which news report was going to cause an agitated or emotional reaction, and the smallest things seemed to frustrate him. The day he dropped a carton of eggs at the market he had become so upset and angry that I got him out of there as quickly as possible and we hadn't been out in public since.

So we spent our days walking on the beach, sharing memories and becoming reacquainted. He was physically affectionate in many ways; he held my hand and we slept close together at night, but his touches always seemed tentative and shy. Edward was still too thin, he had dark circles under his eyes and he was still walking around in thick sweaters, even though the temperatures in Hawaii rarely dipped below seventy five degrees during the day, but his face took on a bronze hue from the hours we spent in the sun and he looked healthier than I'd seen him in a long time.

But as he lay with his head in my lap, his face took on a haunted quality that all the sunshine in the world couldn't erase. He was reliving his experiences as he told me about them and it made me ache to hear what had been done to him. But when I told him he didn't need to tell me if it was too painful, he explained that he needed to tell me, not just for me, but for him and for us.

He'd already told me that he was initially interrogated at Tanya's house by her father, but he had denied everything, claiming that the watch and the wedding ring must have been there when he moved in. Edward thought he was getting away with the lie until Tanya's father told him that he would contact the Spanish government to make sure Edward was who he said he was, and that they would keep him locked up until they received the official word. So he knew it was only a matter of time before he was found out. But he denied for as long as he could, just as he had been trained to do. He was kept in a relatively decent place that had a bed and where he was fed twice a day and given plenty of water. He thought it was around a week later that Tanya's father came to him, incensed after hearing from the Spanish government. Not only did he now suspect that Edward was a spy, but his daughter had been used in the most callous of ways, and his pride had been wounded.

"It was also the day I received my first beating," Edward continued, breaking me out of my memories. "I gave them my name, rank and serial number, hoping they would abide by the rules of the Geneva Conventions, but that was a foolish hope. Not only had I been spying, but I had done it in a very personal way.

"They saw the name Swan on the watch and wanted to know who he was. They wanted to know why I had a wedding band and if I was married. They wanted to know where I was from and what I wanted with Tanya and her father. Of course I couldn't, and didn't, answer these questions.

"I had no concept of time. I...it was hard...the pain was... ." He visibly shivered and I clutched his hand tightly, resting my other on his forehead. "I can't even describe it to you. They used cigarettes and knives and my hand... I try so hard not think about it."

"It's okay, you don't have to say anymore."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before opening them and averting his gaze. "I don't...I don't know how to explain it to you. They would ask me a question, I wouldn't answer, and they would beat me, or burn me, or cut me. They told me that they would find my family...find you and...do things to you...and then kill you if I didn't tell them what they wanted to know. I didn't believe that they would come all the way to America to seek revenge, but then they would leave and I would be alone and tortured by my thoughts. What if they did find you? What if they did those things to you? Would you ever know what happened to me? Would you be lonely? Would you find happiness with someone else? Would you move on and be able to have a good life?

"I know they did it on purpose. I know they told me those things because the physical torture wasn't working, so they tried the psychological. It was much more effective," he said, shuddering and looking up at me.

He took a deep breath and continued. "Tanya's father visited me often and I found out that he was overseeing my interrogation personally. Though I denied your existence, he said...he said he would make it his business to track you down and make you suffer just like his daughter was suffering. You see, that's what gave me away. It wasn't that Tanya ever suspected me of spying and then turned me over to her father. She suspected that I was in love with someone else, and she was right.

"Tanya's mother found her crying the night of the party and asked her what was wrong. She told her mother her suspicions that I was being unfaithful, and when she told her why, my lack of interest in a physical relationship, the way I spoke about you, she went to her husband, who had my apartment searched. I'm sure now that they were simply looking for signs of unfaithfulness, but when they found your grandfather's watch and my wedding ring hidden in the floor...well, that was the end of the charade."

Edward was quiet for a long time as I ran my hands gently through his hair. "Are you hungry?" I eventually asked, knowing that was it for the day and remembering that he hadn't had breakfast or lunch.

He shook his head and wrapped his arm around my legs. "I'm tired," he said softly. I was learning that these conversations exhausted him and he usually needed a nap afterward. I would try to lay down with him when I could, as he seemed to sleep better when I did, so when he got up to go upstairs, I went with him.

We laid down facing each other and as he drifted off to sleep, I decided to try to stay awake. I suspected he was having nightmares that he wasn't telling me about; he still had deep shadows under his eyes and he was sometimes already downstairs and dressed when I woke up early in the morning. I had woken up to him shivering and talking in his sleep quite a few times, but never to a nightmare and I somehow doubted they had gone away completely.

I wanted him to let me help him through this, but his stubborn desire to protect me kept him from letting me. I was glad he was talking to me, but his recounting of his time away wasn't all I wanted to know. I wanted to know his fears and he was feeling, what was making him unhappy and what woke him at night. I was trying to be patient, however; I was sure pushing him was the wrong move.

I waited and waited, but Edward slept very soundly for a few hours before he woke up and we went downstairs to have dinner.

"Dino Grandi wasn't an evil man," Edward explained as we resumed the same position on the couch a couple of days later. "I saw, over time, that he was softening a bit toward me. I wasn't sure if it was because of what they were doing to me or if it was the time we spent together that made him genuinely care about me. But eventually I saw an opening. I reminded him of the conversations we used to have about removing German influence from Italy. I tried to convince him that we were on the same side and that the work I had been doing was in Italy's best interest.

"I wasn't sure if he was listening at first, but it didn't matter, I still tried to get through to him every time he visited. Some time later he came to see me and didn't shout or ask me about the information I had passed on or tell his men to beat me. Instead he brought a chair in and sat and talked with me. He talked about his love for his country and its culture and its people. He talked about how Mussolini was nothing more than a puppet for Hitler and an embarrassment to a great nation. I didn't say anything and when he was finished, he walked out of the room.

"I don't know how long I was there before Tanya came to see me the first time, but it was sometime after that. She was angry, and rightfully so. She was in love with me and I convinced her I felt the same. She thought we were going to get married and spend our lives together and I had been using her for information the whole time. I couldn't blame her for hating me.

"She came in and shouted at me, telling me I was a horrible person and that she hated me. That I was cruel and unfair and that I would pay for what I had done to her. I told her she was right. That using her had been wrong and there was no excuse for what I did. That just seemed to make her angrier and she stormed out. I didn't see her again for what felt like a long time.

"When she came back, she seemed less angry and demanded to know about you. By that point, I was losing hope that I would ever see you again, and it was almost a relief to talk to someone about you. I was pretty sure that they would never get to you, but I was still careful about what I told her."

He looked up at me, his expression so forlorn and full of fear that I thought we were finished for the day, but he surprised me by continuing. "I was sure I was going to die in that room, so I thought maybe I could help her find some peace with what happened between us, so maybe she could move on and find someone else after I was gone.

"I told her about you, the real you, not the sister who grew up with me in Spain. See, she thought it was her. For such a pretty, experienced and outwardly confident girl, she wasn't very sure of herself, and what happened with us was a blow to her self-confidence. She wanted to know why I couldn't love her. Even after all the time we spent together, after all the...kissing and dates and talking. She didn't understand.

"I didn't give her many details, but I got the important points across. I loved you and only you and there was no room for anyone else. That you were it for me and no amount of time would ever change that.

"Tanya told me how much I had hurt her and how she honestly and truly thought she had found the person she was meant to spend her life with. She told me that made her feel foolish because it had all been a lie and she didn't know me at all.

"I told her that I was honest with her in a lot of ways, more honest than I probably should have been, and that she did know the real me. That there was only so much of a role I could play before the real me came out, sometimes against my will or better judgment. I told her that even though I had lied to her and used her, I cared about her, though not in the way she wanted me to."

He paused for a moment and closed his eyes as I ran my hands through his soft hair. I was once again sure that he was ready to stop for the day but when he opened his eyes, there was a determination there that surprised me.

"Tanya started coming by on a regular basis. I'm sure she knew what they were doing to me; there was no way she couldn't. She would bring me water and sometimes food. She never stayed long but her visits were welcome. We would talk about mundane things like books or music but it took my mind off the physical pain and my despair about you.

"It was cold where I was, and she brought me a blanket once. I'm not sure how she was able to sneak it in, but it was such a relief to have it. The cold was the worst part. You can't imagine what it's like to never be warm. I could take the cold, wet floor better when I had the simple comfort of a blanket, and I was actually able to sleep a little bit.

"But the guards found it not long after; I almost lost all hope when they took it from me," he said, wiping a tear from under his eye. "It was so cold and I so desperately wanted to be warm again. It was almost worse than before."

No wonder he shivered in the heat and bundled himself in sweaters. I felt an almost overwhelming sadness and a tear slipped down my cheek at how miserable he had been and how something so simple and basic like warmth had been denied to him.

"Neither Tanya nor her father came for what felt like a long time, and I have no idea how long I was there before they came for me, but by then I was deteriorating physically. They didn't feed me and only gave me water occasionally, and the beatings left me weak. I wasn't completely coherent, but I heard Tanya and her father arguing; they were leaving and she wouldn't go without me. He was protesting but she insisted that if I stayed behind, she would too.

"I told her I was incapable of loving her, for months I had used her to get information about her father, I lied to her about almost everything, but she cared enough about me to save my life and to help me get home to you," he said softly, his eyes glistening with tears as he looked up at me.

"So they came and got me. I couldn't walk so I had to be carried by one of their men. I was thrown into a car and I passed out pretty quickly after that.

"I woke up when I was thrown out of the car. I was in Vichy France, though I didn't know it at the time. I lay there on the ground and Tanya came over to me, though her father was yelling at her to get in the car. She pressed my wedding band into my palm, kissed me on the cheek, and left in the car. I didn't even have the strength to thank her," he choked out.

He laid there for a few more minutes, breathing heavily, an occasional tear slipping down his cheek. He was looking up at me and as I wiped his tears, the green of his eyes seemed to soften just a bit until his breathing slowed and he was able to continue.

"I wandered for a few days, not sure who to trust and resting often since I could barely walk. I was lucky; I was found by Allied sympathizers. I didn't tell them anything at first, afraid they would turn me over to the German authorities. But I knew if I didn't trust them, I was likely to die anyway, so I took a chance. They eventually got me out to England. I think you know the rest."

I nodded and stroked his hair lightly. We didn't make it up to the bedroom, he fell asleep almost immediately after he stopped talking and I stretched out next to him, cramped on the small couch, but not wanting to stray too far from him, especially after everything he just had to relive.

I woke up some time later to Edward carrying me to the bedroom. I put my arms around his neck and my head on his shoulder as he held me tightly and kissed my forehead. I slept soundly for the rest of the night; if nightmares woke Edward, I never knew about it.

x-x-x

"I'm going to see my dad for a bit," Edward said very early on a Sunday morning about a week later. It was barely light out and I was still in bed, while Edward was standing next to the bed freshly showered and fully clothed.

"Okay," I said through a yawn. "Why so early, couldn't you sleep?" I asked, worried that I had slept through one of his nightmares.

"No, nothing like that," he said, correctly reading my concern. "I just woke up early. I think Alice mentioned something about coming over later, just so you know."

"Oh, okay. Maybe I'll just get up then."

"I'll see you later," he said, walking quickly toward the bedroom door.

"Bye... ," I called after him, not a little bit confused as to why he was running out the door at the crack of dawn.

I laid back down with every intention of getting up and starting my day, but it was much later when I was awakened to the sound of pounding on my front door.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," Alice said when I opened the front door. "It's already eight o'clock and we have things to do today."

"Like what?" I asked groggily, making my way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

"We're getting our hair done and shopping for a new dress," she said.

"Why do you need a new dress?"

"Not for me, for you," she said, a mischievous grin on her face.

"Okay, why do _I_ need a new dress?" I asked. It was still too early for this.

"Well, I was noticing your clothes and most of them are for colder weather and I thought you might be a little uncomfortable."

I eyed her speculatively before deciding that she was actually onto something. I had packed in haste, not really considering the weather difference and if we were going to be here for a while, a wardrobe upgrade might be in order.

"You're right," I said. "Besides, when was the last time you and I spent a day together? Let me just call over to your parents' place and tell Edward."

"That's not necessary," she said quickly. "I told him before I left that I was commandeering you for part of the day. He's fine with it."

"Okay, after a shower and a cup of coffee, I'm all yours."

Alice clapped her hands happily and I smiled, looking forward to our day together. We were on our way thirty minutes later.

"So things between you and Edward seem better," Alice said as we drove into town. "Better than when I was visiting anyway." We hadn't really had any time alone since Edward and I came back and this was her first opportunity to ask me about it.

"They are better," I said. I didn't want to get into it too much, it was personal, but she had seen Edward at his worst in the hospital and I didn't want her to think that was the norm anymore. "Things were tough for a while, but being here has helped, and we're talking more."

"All I dream about is Jasper standing on the altar waiting for me as Dad walks me down the aisle, of being able to go to bed with him every night, and being pregnant with his children. I want those things so much," she said softly. "But you and Edward having problems makes me nervous. You seemed so sure about your relationship."

"I _am_ sure about our relationship. But I think there's a reason they say 'for better or for worse' when you get married. It hasn't always been easy, but the effort is worth it."

Alice nodded her head. "Edward's different, I see that. I worry that Jasper won't come home, but I also worry about what he might be like when he does."

"You've seen him a few times since the war started. Is he the same?"

"No, he's not. He's actually gotten sweeter and more attentive to me. But otherwise he seems...angrier? More on edge, maybe? I'm not sure how to describe it."

"I don't think any of us are the same. I'm not, you're not, Edward certainly isn't." I paused to collect my thoughts. "I doubt any of us are going to come through this unchanged, but I somehow think it's worse for them. They're far from home, doing and experiencing unthinkable things. I think there's something to be said for the simple comforts of home," I said softly. I had to bite my lip so I wouldn't cry, recalling Edward's lack of nutrition and water and simple warmth while he was held in Italy.

Alice was silent for a while and when she spoke again, her voice was soft and tentative. "I know you still love Edward. I do. But is it the same? I mean, do you think maybe you've both changed too much and maybe love isn't enough? Especially if he's not the person you married anymore."

I took a deep breath and considered her question. I thought at one point back in Maryland that I would have to leave Edward to save myself, but it wasn't due to lack of love; it had been a matter of self-preservation. It wasn't as if I was leaving because I wanted someone else or because I loved him any less. I just wanted him to talk to me and let me help him and I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I thought he might need space and time away from me since I obviously wasn't giving him what he needed and he didn't seem to want to be around me. Had he let me go, I would have waited forever for him to get well and helped him any way he would let me. Fortunately it had never come to that because in the end, love _was_ enough.

"It was enough for us," I stated simply. "I can't speak for you and Jasper, but I'd like to think of him what I think of Edward; that essentially he's the same person. That his heart and mind are the same, but have been skewed a bit by the war and what he's been through." I shrugged my shoulders and looked over at her. "But I'm far from an expert and I can only really speak to my relationship with Edward."

Alice nodded. "I know. Honestly, the changes in Edward are scary, and I'm afraid that if Jasper does come home different, I won't be able to handle it. I'm not as strong as you are, I never have been. I'm not sure how you're handling his moods."

I shrugged again. "I love him."

"And it's enough," she said.

"And it's enough," I reaffirmed.

She nodded and was silent for the rest of our car ride into town.

Shockingly, we were back at my house just before one o'clock after having our hair done and finding two very pretty, very weather appropriate dresses for me.

"Try to the yellow one on," Alice said after we walked in the door.

"I tried them on at the store," I said grumpily.

"Please," she said, glancing at the clock on the wall. "Besides, wouldn't you be more comfortable in it than what you're wearing?"

I looked down at my blouse and pants and realized she had a point. "Okay, I'll be right down," I said, grabbing the bag and going up to my bedroom to change.

When I came back downstairs, Alice was nowhere to be found and someone was knocking on my front door.

I opened the door and there stood Edward, a smile on his face and a single red rose in his hand.

"Edward? What's going on? Why are you knocking on the door? Where's Alice?"

"Alice went home. I'm here to pick you up for our date," he said, his face full of hope.

"I don't... ." I said, my brow furrowing. "I don't understand."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Will you work with me here? I'm taking you on a date. The date I've wanted to take you on since we were sixteen."

"Oh, Edward, this isn't necessary."

"Please, Bella," he whispered, his eyes showing so much anxiety for such a simple gesture. This meant something to him. More than something, from the look on his face. Maybe everything.

"Okay," I said, smiling. "Where are we going?"

"That's a surprise," he said, smiling and taking in my appearance. He was quiet for a moment and I thought maybe he didn't like the dress or it was ill-fitting. I started to shift uncomfortably when he finally spoke. "You so look pretty," he whispered, his eyes soft, a hint of awe in his voice.

I blushed, took the arm he offered me, and smiled back at him, suddenly finding myself getting excited at the prospect of a date with Edward, and vowing to thank Alice for her part in this.

We got in the car and drove for about 20 minutes, stopping somewhere I'd never been before. "What is this place?" I asked. I thought I knew all of the places Edward did, but apparently he still had a few secrets.

"You'll see," he said, smiling so broadly it made my throat tight and my knees a little weak, reminding me so much of the boy I fell in love with.

He gently took my hand in his and led me down a long dirt path until we came to a large meadow filled with wildflowers, the sun shining through the canopy of trees.

"Edward," I said almost breathlessly. "How did you find this place?"

"I don't remember exactly." He held me close to his side and kissed the top of my head. "But I used to come here a lot...before. When we lived here. I would sometimes come here when you were at the house with Alice. I thought I was getting away from you, but I would just come here and daydream about you like the love-struck teenager I was. I imagined you here with me so many times," he said softly, his hand running gently up and down my upper arm.

"It's beautiful," I said, looking up at him and smiling. "Thank you for sharing it with me."

He ran the back of his hand across my cheek and smiled back at me. "You're beautiful. You belong in a place like this."

I blushed and looked down, biting my lip before I could blurt out that I wasn't. I'd never felt particularly beautiful, except when Edward looked at me like that.

He grabbed my hand and led me over to a shaded area under a tree where he had set up a picnic lunch, complete with a blanket, a basket full of food and a bottle of wine. He helped me get settled on the blanket, then opened the bottle of wine, poured us each a glass, and settled next to me. I was slightly concerned about the wine; Edward hadn't had a drink that I knew about in the weeks since we had been here and I didn't want him to start again. I kept my concerns to myself, however, since a glass of wine with lunch wasn't a bottle of scotch and I didn't want to overreact and ruin the nice day he had obviously been working on since early in the morning.

"Thank you for indulging me," he said softly, looking down at the wine glass he was twirling in his fingers. "I know it's not the same as a real first date, but I wanted something just for us."

_Just for us_. Meaning something he hadn't done with someone else. I sighed and put my wine glass aside before taking his from his hand and putting it next to mine. I got up on my knees and faced him, my hands on either side of his face. "It's a beautiful thought, thank you," I said softly, running my thumbs under his still shadowed eyes. He might have been sleeping better, but even though he tried to hide it from me, the evidence of his nightmares was plain on his face.

"Can we...I mean, I'd like to do things like this for you while we're here. Take you places and do all the things we never got a chance to do," he said, his eagerness and sweet smile causing butterflies to flutter in my stomach.

"I'd like that," I said, though for me, it wasn't necessary. I loved him and I knew he loved me and the rituals associated with it weren't important to me. But they were to him.

I looked down at him, his face so soft, and I had an almost overwhelming urge to kiss him. I held back, waiting him out, and when I saw his eyes fall to my lips, I knew he was feeling he same thing. So I kept waiting.

And waiting.

"Let me feed you," he said suddenly. "Mom helped me put together a lunch I thought you'd like."

"All right," I said softly, dropping my hands and leaning back with my legs folded under me. I tried to hide my disappointment, but Edward's face fell and he swallowed loudly when he looked at me. I smiled back tentatively so he would know I wasn't angry, but he just looked away and pulled at his hair and I could have kicked myself for upsetting him.

But instead of wallowing in my failure, I helped him unpack the picnic and spread our lunch out before us. When I saw what he had packed, my eyes watered and a huge smile spread across my face. I wasn't sure how he'd done it, especially with strict rationing in place, or how he remembered, but all of my favorites were there, including a thermos of tomato soup, fresh fruit, cold chicken sandwiches and of course, pastries.

Edward's eyes got bright again when he saw me staring at all of the work and thought he put into our date, and the hopeful, sweet look on his face made me forgetful for just a moment, and I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. I inhaled deeply and my stomach muscles clenched as I enjoyed the scent that was my husband and lifelong friend. He had always smelled so good, like cinnamon and leather and that indefinable quality that was uniquely Edward.

It took him a minute, but Edward soon had his arms around me, holding me close.

"It's just lunch," he mumbled into my neck. But I could hear the joy in his voice and the muscles in my stomach tightened even more.

I had made him happy.

He pulled away and very sweetly prepared my lunch for me. I could see how it pleased him to take care of me, and as I sat there, it finally occurred to me why something as simple as taking me on a picnic lunch was so important to him. Edward felt like he had never provided for me. Not before or after he left, and certainly not since he'd been home. I disagreed, but how I felt about it wasn't important. He needed to feel like he was doing something for me, providing for me the way he thought a husband should for his wife. And I wasn't about to argue with him.

He fed me my lunch, literally at some points, though when he put the first grape in my mouth the way he looked at me made my body tingle in places it hadn't in a long, long time. I ignored it, knowing we weren't quite ready for that yet. Though I really, really wished we were.

After we ate, I laid my head in Edward's lap while he read poetry to me; poetry about longing and love and forever. It took me a while to realize that he wasn't reading from a book, but from a journal; a journal I had seen him with on many occasions before the war.

"When did you write this?" I asked softly, looking up at him.

He blushed and put the book aside, running his hand through my hair. "A long time ago," he said quietly, shaking his head and not meeting my gaze. "I wrote most of it here."

"It's beautiful," I said, taking his hand and kissing his palm softly. I heard his sharp intake of breath but I ignored it because something very important had just occurred to me. Something I should have realized a long time ago.

"Where is it?" I whispered, still holding Edward's left hand and looking up at him.

"What?" he asked, his brow furrowed.

"Your wedding ring," I said softly, sitting up and releasing his hand.

"Oh!" he said, reaching into his shirt and removing a very thin gold link chain. The same gold chain that held his childhood ring while he was away at Annapolis before we were married. "I couldn't wear it for a while because of my hand and then when I could...well, I didn't feel like a particularly good husband and I thought maybe...I don't know... ." He trailed off, looking down and blushing.

"You thought maybe I wouldn't want to be married to you anymore?" I asked softly.

He nodded his head as I slowly took the chain from around his neck, undid the clap and took the ring off. I gently took his left hand and brought it to rest in my lap. "How does your hand feel?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Back to normal," he said, flexing his fingers and swallowing loudly while looking at me with wide eyes.

I took his hand in mine and slipped the ring onto his finger before threading my fingers through his. "I love you. I can't say it enough, Edward," I said fervently, looking up into his wet, shining eyes. "You _are_ a good husband; you're all I've ever wanted. Please wear this."

Edward grabbed me and placed me in his lap, hugging me tightly and whispering words of love in my ear. When I looked up at him, he placed a hand on the side of my face and very slowly and very tentatively brought his lips to mine.

His lips were warm and soft, his hand on my face trembling slightly. It may as well have been our first kiss with how uncertain and shy we both were, but it was also familiar. It felt like home.

He briefly rested his forehead against mine before pulling back and I had a quick moment of doubt, wondering if he didn't like our kiss, if he was comparing me to Tanya and had found me lacking.

But before my fears could take hold, Edward smiled down at me and sweetly kissed the tip of my nose. "I missed kissing you," he whispered. I blushed and smiled shyly at him, silently thanking him for alleviating my fears.

Our kiss was brief and almost chaste, and I wanted it to go further, but it was a first step and more than enough for the time being.

I rested my head on his shoulder as he ran his hand up and down my back.

"Thank you," I said, looking up at him. "I couldn't have asked for a better first date."

His answering smile warmed my heart and made my whole body flush.

We kissed once more after we got into bed that night; it was brief and sweet but it made my toes curl and for the first time in weeks, I went right to sleep instead of staying awake obsessing over Edward and his mental health.

When I woke next it was still dark and Edward was beside me moaning my name, begging me not to leave him. Quickly realizing that he was still asleep, I put my hand on his sweaty forehead, moving myself close to his side.

"Edward...Edward, I'm right here. Please wake up," I pleaded. "Edward."

"Please, Bella," he cried, "Don't go."

He was shaking and crying and my gentle touches weren't waking him up, so I took him roughly by the shoulders and straddled his lap, speaking to him with my face inches from his. "Wake up, Edward. I'm here," I said firmly. "It's Bella, Edward. Wake up," I said desperately. I was scared out of my wits and was getting more upset as the minutes ticked away. This was as bad as I'd ever seen him, and I suspected that this was what he dealt with night after night when I heard him screaming back home. Except then he was alone. I was here now and I wouldn't let him suffer through this alone.

Making one last ditch effort to wake him, I called his name loudly and pleaded with him to wake up.

Finally his eyes flew open, but he seemed to look right through me. "Bella," he said, his voice so full of despair and longing that it made my chest tighten.

I grabbed the sides of his face and forced his eyes to look in mine. "I'm here," I said. "Look at me, Edward."

His eyes sought mine and eventually lost their frantic edge, becoming softer, but the sadness was still pronounced. He grabbed me tightly and held me to his chest, desperately clutching at the material at the back of my nightgown.

"I don't want to be alone in the dark anymore. Please don't leave me here," he whispered.

My throat got tight as I tried to hold back the sob that wanted to escape me. If I hadn't realized before just how broken Edward was, I did in that moment. "I won't. I promise," I said softly, "I love you and I'll never leave you. We're going to get you well, Edward."

I eventually moved us so I was on my back with Edward's head on my chest and my arms tight around him. He seemed to tolerate my hands on his back, much to my relief. We laid like that for what seemed like a long time, though it could have been only minutes. I didn't know what had caused this particular nightmare, but it served to remind me that we weren't living a normal life, and though we had a nice, peaceful, enjoyable day together, flashes of normal were just that; it wasn't the rule now, it was the exception, and I knew it was time to fully accept that. There were no fairy tales. Life was difficult sometimes, and if I was choosing Edward, I was choosing everything that came along with him.

In many ways, I felt completely inadequate in dealing with Edward. I had no doubt that I could take care of him, that I could bring him comfort and maybe even a little peace, but I knew now that I couldn't really cure him of whatever was causing his pain, or if anyone could. We had a lovely afternoon where Edward's emotions seemed to be completely under control, but his nightmare was the worst I'd ever see. There was no predicting when they would come and I had to stop thinking one pleasant day would cure what was ailing him.

But for as long as he needed and wanted the small ways I could help him, I would continue to provide for him. I could only hope it would be enough.

I jumped when Edward spoke, his voice breaking the silence we had laid in for so long.

"I need you. I don't want to do this without you. I don't think I can."

"I want you to let me help you. I know you're still holding back from me," I said, running my hands through his hair. "But I _want_ to help you and you're not a burden to me."

"I am. But I don't want to be. I want to get well and take care of you the way I should. I want to take care of you the way you take care of me," he said softly, his lips moving against my chest.

"You took care of me for years, whether you realized it or not. You took care of me when we were growing up and you kept me from losing all hope after Charlie died. If it hadn't been for you, I'm not sure I would have made it through that. You've given me so much, Edward."

"I'd like to believe that," he said quietly. "And maybe it's been enough for you, but it hasn't been enough for me. I should have treated you better and taken more of an interest in what you were doing; I should have spent more time with you and kissed you more and told you I loved you at every opportunity. But I didn't. I didn't appreciate you. I didn't tell you that you were everything to me and that I would be lost without you."

I didn't know what to say, because what he said was partly true. He didn't really take an interest in my life after we moved to Maryland and there were times I felt unappreciated, and it hurt at the time. But I realized now that he was put into situations that were stressful and in some cases more than he was able to handle. And he didn't have me to talk to when it got to be too much. He didn't really have anyone, so it all built up inside of him until it exploded, often at me. This led to the realization that Edward had never been great at handling his emotions, not since we were children. I was the only one he would talk to about what was troubling him for years, until something changed when we were twelve. He had a good friend in Jasper after our falling out, but I was sure it wasn't the same. He wouldn't have put his head in Jasper's lap and unburdened himself, that was something he only did with me. I wondered if I should have fought harder for our friendship, and how much of the man he was today was a direct result of him not having me to talk to for those years.

But I also knew that he wasn't solely responsible for the early problems in our marriage. I had been young and immature and my expectations of him were probably too great, especially considering everything he had to deal with outside of our home. Looking back, I should have been more understanding of his odd schedule and the stress he was going through. It was nothing he asked for or could prevent.

"I wasn't a perfect wife, Edward. Maybe we weren't ready for such a huge commitment, I don't know. But I love you and I'm here now," I finally said. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise you. Please believe me."

I felt him nod, but I wasn't convinced that he believed me. "I mean it, Edward."

"I know you do," he said. "But how long will you put up with this? I can't even sleep through the night like a normal man."

I groaned in frustration and I felt him flinch against me as if I had shouted at him. I reassuringly ran my hands through his hair and kissed the top of his head. "I pray to God it doesn't happen, but if you have nightmares for the rest of your life, I'll be up with you in he middle of the night for the rest of mine. I love you," I said forcefully. "Please hear what I'm saying to you and believe it."

I felt wetness seep through my nightgown, heard Edward take a deep breath and I realized he was quietly crying. No longer mindful of his back, I wrapped him tightly in my arms and legs, whispering words of love and devotion in his ear. I told him that it would get easier, that life wouldn't always be so hard and that I would love him forever.

He seemed to settle after a while and as I ran my hands through his still sweaty hair, I thought of something that might bring him a little comfort.

"How about a bath?" I asked softly. "I could run it for you." It was the middle of the night, but I wasn't sure either one of us was going to get any more sleep.

"Okay," he said. "Thank you."

I smiled and kissed his forehead before disentangling myself from him and making my way to the bathroom. As I ran the hot water that slowly filled the tub, I thought about the last time I did this. He had come home frantic, seeking me out, and thinking about the way he made me feel as we made love that night caused the muscles low in my stomach to tighten. The love and intimacy and closeness that came with lovemaking was something I desperately wanted to feel again. I wanted to revel in that connection that I only ever had with Edward.

We both changed so much since that night, but we were still here, we still loved each other, and I hoped some day soon that we would both be able to handle everything that came along with lovemaking. Sighing, I turned off the taps and went to the bedroom to fetch Edward.

He was laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling blankly, his hands under his head. I went to the bed, smiled down at him, took his hand and led him to the bathroom.

Without thinking, I went to remove his shirt to help him get undressed, but he took my wrists in his hands to stop me.

"No, don't," he said, stepping away from me and shaking his head.

It dawned on me quickly, and I was angry with myself for forgetting. But he also needed to know that his scars didn't make him any less beautiful to me, and never would. "Edward, I love you. That doesn't matter."

"They're so ugly," he said softly, looking down and twisting his fingers together.

I immediately felt my insides start to shake and my stomach was queasy. Not only did he have to live through terrible pain and torture, but he had to live with the physical scars of it for the rest of his life. Even if in the future he was better able to mentally and emotionally handle what happened to him, he would never, ever be allowed to forget.

I walked up to him and placed my hands slowly and gently on his chest. "You'll always be beautiful to me, no matter what."

"I just...I can't, Bella. Please," he pleaded, taking my wrists gently in his hands and removing my hands from his chest.

"Okay, whatever you want. Just..." I trailed off, shaking my head. Now wasn't the time. "I'll leave you alone. Call me if you need anything," I said, turning to leave the room.

Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him, enveloping me in a tight hug. "I'm sorry," he said softly.

"Don't be," I said, looking up at him. "It's going to be fine." I smiled at him reassuringly, turning and leaving the room before he noticed the tears in my eyes.

x-x-x

The night after our date and Edward's nightmare saw a distinct shift in our relationship. Edward was no longer physically tentative with me, but more importantly, he seemed to be much more open to talking to me. When he felt something, he told me about it. If a radio report made him feel angry or upset, sometimes he would run away, but more often than not he would stay with me and we would try to work through how he felt together. I could see at times that he was embarrassed or awkward when discussing his emotions, but he was still more open with me than he had been before. Our daily life was challenging since Edward was still emotionally unpredictable, but at least he was talking to me about it instead of suffering through it alone.

Just as Edward wanted, and I grew to appreciate, we spent time together doing all of the things we never had a chance to do before the war came and changed our lives so drastically. We went for ice cream and to see films, though we usually stepped out into the lobby during the newsreels; we went for long walks on the beach and Edward read to me almost every night. I was being courted, and I liked it. We didn't need it before since we knew each other inside and out before the war, but we were different now and we were getting to know each other all over again.

Edward spent a good deal of time with Carlisle, though I never asked what they were doing and he never offered to tell me. I wanted to know, but more so, I didn't want to interfere in their relationship or with any way that Carlisle might be helping him.

When I wasn't with Edward, I worked with Esme in the garden, helped Alice with her wedding plans and saw some of Angela. It was relaxing and sometimes, in the light of day, I could almost forget there was a war going on and that my husband had been profoundly damaged. But then nighttime would come and we would pull the blackout curtains closed and Edward would almost always wake at some point. The nightmares still came, but he let me comfort him and he sometimes told me what they were about, which seemed to relieve some of his burden and he was often able to go back to sleep afterward.

Edward touched and hugged me frequently, we slept together every night and he would kiss me sweetly on the lips when we slipped into bed, but that was the extent of our physical relationship. I was often tempted to initiate something more myself, but his volatile moods kept me on my toes and away from anything that might upset him. I was cautious around him, never knowing what might make him angry or upset.

Our days in Hawaii were good ones, for the most part. I could see changes in Edward, physically, mentally and emotionally, but the specter of his time away was always hanging over us.

When we got word that Jasper had been injured, it was a few weeks into November and I was considering asking Edward if he thought he might be ready to go back to Maryland. He was still my first and most important priority, but there were things I missed about home; namely Rose and my job. Edward seemed to be doing so well here, and I wouldn't force him to leave if he didn't want to, but part of me was getting anxious to return to the life I had left behind. My world didn't just revolve around Edward anymore, but for the time being, he had to be the focus of my attention.

But the news of Jasper prevented me from even mentioning to Edward that I wanted to leave. We only had word that he was injured; we didn't know where he was or how seriously he was wounded. Alice was beside herself with worry and she had always been so supportive of me that there was no way I would think of abandoning her now. Esme spoke to Mary Whitlock daily, but five days after the initial telegram we still had no details, so Carlisle decided to try to use some of his Navy contacts to get some information. Two days later, he had assurances that Jasper was on his way to the Naval Hospital at Pearl.

So we did what so many other families were doing.

We waited.

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**Thank you as always to Lucette21 for betaing this monster, and to LTR for pre-reading.**

**Thank you to everyone who's still reading and and to everyone who reviews. I am astonished and humbled by the continued response to this story. I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank you all properly, but I'm going to try.  
**

**A couple of readers requested an outtake of the conversation that Carlisle and Edward had on the beach at the end of chapter 24. It's almost completely written and should be up under **_**Finding Liberty**_** in a few days, so make sure that story is on alert if you'd like to read it.**

**x-x-x**

**Dino Grandi was an interesting man. In July of 1943 he led a group of Fascists in ousting Mussolini from power. Though it worked initially, an alternate government was established which sentenced Grandi to death for treason. However, he had the foresight to flee to Spain in August of 1943. In this version of events, he dropped Edward off on the way.**

**x-x-x**

**This story has been nominated for a Shimmer Award in the category of ****Best Tear Jerker.  
**

**Thank you to whoever took the time to nominate the story, it was an incredibly kind gesture. Nominations are still open and there are quite a few categories, so stop by and nominate your favorites. Voting begins on June 27th.**

**http:/shimmerawards (dot) webs (dot) com/**

**I'll be offering a **_**Finding Home **_**outtake in the Fandom Gives Back auction at the end of the month. I don't have a team so I should be affordable and it's for a good cause. **

**Thank you for reading. Sorry that was so long. Until next time.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Part of this chapter was written specifically for mycrookedsmile. She's a good friend and has been a great supporter of this story. **

**Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. The very important notes at the end partially explain.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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We received word that Jasper was back in Hawaii a few days before Thanksgiving. He was traveling by ship from the Pacific and his situation was vastly different from Edward's, so it took him longer to arrive back in the United States.

In the interim, we learned that he had been injured in a crash; his plane rammed into the deck of his carrier and was destroyed while he was trying to land on his way back from a bombing raid over Rabaul, New Britain. Jasper was pulled out of the water a few minutes later, but the damage was done; we just didn't know the extent of it yet.

Edward and I drove Alice to the hospital the morning he arrived. She was nervous but trying to put on a brave face; I drove and she clung to Edward's hand the whole way to the hospital. I was proud of him, I could tell that he wasn't completely comfortable with the contact but he didn't make it obvious.

He had been making so much progress; his nightmares still came almost every night but he was able to recover more quickly, he was eating, though not as much as I would have liked, and while we hadn't moved past soft kisses on the mouth, he touched me and told me he loved me more often than at any time since he'd been home.

And on rare occasions, I would catch him gazing at me with so much longing that it made my chest ache, but as soon as he caught me looking he would immediately avert his eyes.

Sometimes, in the darkness of our bedroom, Edward would tell me more about what happened to him while he was away; little details that he had left out before. It made my heart ache to hear about what had been done to him; this sweet, gentle boy I had loved for so long. It was almost unfathomable to me that someone would want to hurt him, and in such horrible ways.

He still hadn't taken his shirt off in front of me but he allowed me to touch him gently on his chest and back over his shirt. It wasn't something we ever talked about, it was simply something we worked our way up to. I didn't know when or if he would find the courage to let me see him, but it wasn't something I would push.

Jasper's parents were already in the waiting area when we arrived; we asked after Carlisle but were told he was with Jasper and would find us when he had any news. Mary and George looked so much older than I remembered, though it had only been just a little under two years since I had seen them. George looked particularly frail, though he still had a jovial demeanor that put me immediately at ease. Mary seemed to have warmed to Alice, but she still appeared a bit standoffish and cold. I would have assumed it was just her way except that she embraced Edward warmly and was very kind to me.

We waited with them for what seemed like a long time. We made small talk, though I tried to steer us clear of the war. But that was virtually impossible; people talked about little else. It was the most important and pressing subject in everyone's lives and there was no way around that. Because of this, I made sure to sit close to Edward and hold his hand and he seemed to handle everything fairly well, though he did tense up a few times. But he would squeeze my hand or lean into me and that seemed to help him.

Finally, Carlisle walked into the waiting room and we all stood to face him, and whatever news he was going to give us.

"Daddy?" Alice asked, her voice shaking.

He took her gently by the waist and sat down with her across from Mary and George.

"The good news is that his injuries aren't life threatening," he began. "He had a head injury and cuts and bruises that are about healed. The major problem is with his spinal cord. The vertebrae in his lower back were damaged."

"What does that mean, exactly?" Mary asked.

"He has no sensation or movement below the waist. It's likely that will be the case for the rest of his life. I'm sorry. But he's lucky to be alive, from what I've been told. His injuries were extensive and the doctors who initially treated him saved his life."

I heard Mary's sharp intake of breath and George mumbled something, but I was only aware of Alice. Her eyes got as wide as saucers and she had tears welling up in her eyes. She was visibly shaking and I wanted to go to her, but before I could she looked right at me, took a deep breath, straightened out her back and let her breath out.

"Can I see him?" she asked Carlisle.

"It's going to be a few minutes, he's still getting settled," he said, standing up and looking over at Mary and George and then back to Alice. "There's someone who's going to come over and talk to you about preparations that need to be made for his care."

After Carlisle left, Edward and I went to sit on either side of Alice, wanting to offer her comfort, but she was stoic, the exact opposite of the girl who clung to her brother on the car ride over. We waited in silence until someone came to talk to us about preparations for Jasper's return home. There was talk of wheelchairs and crutches and ramps and houses without stairs. Alice nodded in the right places but she didn't ask any questions and I could see her anxiety ratcheting up as the minutes ticked by.

When we were alone again, Mary looked sadly at George. "I guess we'll have to sell the house."

"Why would we do that?" he responded.

"Too many stairs," she said, suddenly very businesslike. "There won't be a proper bedroom for him on the first floor, and I'm not sure the front can accommodate a ramp. I saw there was a house for sa–"

"Excuse me," Alice broke in.

We all turned to her but she didn't say anything at first. I squeezed her hand and she looked at me and briefly closed her eyes before turning to look at Mary. "Why would you need to do all that? Jasper and I aren't going to live with you after we get married."

"Pardon me?" Mary said, clearly annoyed.

"You heard me," Alice said. "We're going to live in our own house."

"I'm not sure you understood exactly what you father meant," Mary said condescendingly. "Jasper will probably be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He'll never walk again. He probably can't father children."

A single tear ran down Alice's cheek but when she addressed Mary, she had a confidence in her voice I'd rarely heard before. "I'm not simple. I heard exactly what he said. Now I need you to hear me. I love him and we're going to get married as soon as I can make the arrangements. We're going to buy a house and live together and take care of each other. And if we only have each other for the rest of our lives, that will be enough for me."

It appeared as if Mary had been stunned into silence because she sat there, staring at Alice with an astounded look on her face.

Just then, a nurse came by and told us that we could see Jasper. Edward and I hung back, allowing Alice and his parents to greet him as we stood in the doorway.

I was surprised at how good Jasper looked. But then he had weeks on a hospital ship to recover and get used to the idea that he may never walk again. It was the rest of us who needed to adjust to the news.

Alice ran to his bedside and hugged him as a smile spread across his face. He whispered to her and she said something back, but I wasn't close enough to hear. They shared a few more quiet words before she sat back on the edge of his bed, looking at him like he was her conquering hero. Which he probably was.

Mary and George hugged and kissed him from the other side of the bed, then Edward shook his hand and I gave him a small kiss on his cheek.

"Thanks for coming," he said to me.

I smiled as he turned to Edward. "You look like shit," he said. I tensed up and held Edward's hand tightly, worried about his response.

"Jasper!" Mary scolded.

"Pardon my language, Mom," he said, smirking and rolling his eyes. "But he does."

"Thanks, man. You don't look so great yourself, and I think you owe the Navy an airplane," Edward responded, a small smile on his face. I loosened my grip on his hand, relieved at his good humor.

Jasper laughed before turning back to Alice and looking at her tenderly. "I'm going to try, Ali. I don't care what the doctors say. I'm going to try to walk again and be a whole man for you."

"You already are. You're everything I want whether you walk again or not," she said softly.

"I almost didn't come home to you," he said shaking his head. "I love you."

I felt like an intruder and was pondering a trip out into the hallway when George cleared his throat, making Jasper laugh as Alice looked away blushing, the tension broken.

Edward was holding my hand tightly and when I looked up at him, he was staring at me with a look of intense concentration mixed with something I hadn't seen in a long time.

"Can we go home?" he leaned down and whispered in my ear.

I shivered and looked up at him, nodding.

We said quick goodbyes with promises to return but Alice insisted on walking us out to the car.

"I'll go get the car," Edward said once we stepped outside.

When he was out of earshot Alice gripped my hand tightly and let out a long breath. "I can do this, right?" she pleaded.

"Of course you can," I said firmly, pulling her into a hug.

"I just...oh, God," she sobbed into my shoulder.

"It's going to be all right," I said, patting her back lightly. I was all too familiar with the despair she was feeling and I knew there really were no words. She would have to work this out on her own.

Edward pulled up in the car and I smiled at him over Alice's shoulder, and he looked back at me, an expression on his face that I couldn't place.

Alice pulled away from me and wiped under her eyes. "I can do this."

"You can," I said. "Do you love him?"

"Yes, more than anything," she said, looking at me for a moment. "And it's enough."

I nodded and kissed her cheek. "Yes, it is. It's everything."

Once Alice was back inside the hospital, Edward opened the passenger door for me and when he got behind the wheel, he pulled me close to his side as we drove home. He still hadn't said anything when we pulled up to the house.

He impatiently led me through the front door and once we were inside my back was to the foyer wall and Edward was pressed close to me, his hand on my cheek. He was looking down at me with fire in his eyes and my heart felt like it would beat out of my chest as my stomach was twisted in knots.

He kissed me then, but it wasn't like the sweet, soft kisses we had been sharing since he'd been home. It was passionate and strong and not in the least bit tentative.

My arms went around his neck and my fingers threaded through the back of his hair as we continued to kiss. We both groaned and I felt him tremble when our tongues met for the first time in so long, his hands roaming gently over my back and through my hair. I felt the familiar stirrings of desire, feelings I hadn't felt in so long and hadn't realized how much I missed until that moment.

"I've wasted so much time," he said breathlessly, resting his forehead against mine. "I almost didn't come home to you. How could I have forgotten that? We're here and together and I can love you the way I want to. That was one thing they couldn't take away from us. It's only ever been you."

He was looking down at me, his eyes more intense than I had ever seen them. I could do no more than nod my head under the blaze of his stare.

He picked me up by the waist with what seemed like no effort at all and I wrapped my legs and arms around him. As he carried me up the stairs, I buried my face in his neck and kissed him softly. He groaned and held me tighter, his breath tickling my ear and making me shiver.

When we got to our bedroom, he sat on the edge on the bed with my legs still wrapped around him and I felt him hard beneath me, sending a thrill through my body. He quickly and silently unbuttoned the front of my dress with a look of intense concentration on his face and then gently moved the top of my it off my shoulders. Then he grabbed the hem and drew it up my legs and ran his hands over my thighs, kissing my neck and shoulders softly

He flipped us so I was under him on the bed and he kissed me forcefully on the mouth, his hands tangled in my hair. His hips pressed into mine and when I felt how aroused he was, I became just as impatient as he seemed to be. I reached down and undid his belt and the front of his pants. As I lowered his zipper, he moaned loudly into my neck and then helped me get his pants off.

Then he raised his head and looked at me, and I saw it. The desire wasn't gone, but now it was tempered with something else.

I saw it very clearly; the doubt, the fear, the apprehension. My first thought was that he didn't want me, so I averted my eyes, wanting to curl up and wrap myself in my disappointment. But when I forced myself to look back at him, there was something else in his eyes that I had grown used to over the weeks that we'd been here. A plea for understanding. And for help.

So I swallowed my fear and kissed him softly, moving him so that he was laying on his back with me on top of him, my legs on either side of his waist.

He wouldn't meet my gaze so I forced his face up. "Do you love me?" I asked.

"Of course I do," he said softly.

"I can tell that you want me. Why are you holding back?"

"I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"Of hurting you."

"You've never hurt me."

"That's not true. Don't you remember before I left...there were marks on you," he recalled, a look of remorse mixed with horror on his face. "I couldn't control myself and I hurt you. And now...I'm much worse now, Bella. I could hurt you again."

The fear was real, I could see it in his eyes and I could feel him trembling. I realized then that it would be up to me to ease him back into our physical relationship. I needed to teach him to trust himself and to trust me.

"It's been so long. Don't you...want to?"

"Oh, God, so much," he choked out.

"I trust you," I said softly, leaning down to kiss him. "Trust yourself. You won't hurt me."

I moved my lips down and kissed his neck, but when my hands moved to the hem of his shirt, he stiffened and grabbed my wrists.

"Please don't," he said softly, fear and apprehension in his voice and on his face.

I nodded my head and moved my lips back to his, wanting to reassure him.

He eventually relaxed into my kiss and started stroking my back and arms lightly.

I sat up with my knees on either side of Edward's hips and dragged my dress over my head, dropping it to the floor, followed quickly by the rest of my clothes. Edward's eyes widened and he looked at me with a mixture of fear and desire.

"You're so incredibly beautiful," he whispered, his hands tightening on my hips. I leaned down and once again captured my lips with his. I kept my hands in his hair and continued to kiss him softly, but with purpose.

His body was ready, and I hoped his mind was too.

"Edward," I whispered in his ear, my voice shaking. "I trust you. I want to make love to you."

"Oh, God," he moaned, his hips flexing up into mine.

I lifted myself onto my knees and lowered his boxers, leaving his shirt untouched. I wanted to see him, to run my hands through the light sprinkling of copper hair on his chest, to feel the muscles in his abdomen ripple as he moved with me. But no matter what I wanted, that was one area in which I would let him call the shots.

But I wanted to make love to him and even though I was scared, my heart was pounding and I was embarrassed enough that I couldn't look in his face, I would make it happen. It had been too long.

So I slowly and with care eased myself down onto him, the sensation making me shake and gasp out loud.

I rested my forehead against his and let out a long breath.

"Bella, you...my God, you feel so good," he groaned.

We remained still for a moment, our faces inches apart, my eyes searching his for any indication that he wanted me to stop. When I lifted my hips slightly and brought them back down, Edward threw his head back, moaning loudly and grabbing my hips, stilling me. When he looked at me again, his eyes were wild with love and desire, making my own need that much more pronounced.

I could tell he was trying to control himself; his jaw was clenched, his hands were gripping my hips and he wasn't moving at all. His fear of hurting me felt a little bit overblown, but I wasn't him and I hadn't been through what he had.

So I took the initiative and started rocking my hips against Edward's slowly as his breath came in gasps, his eyes rolling back in his head as he chanted my name over and over again.

His reactions gave me confidence and I guessed that whatever I was doing was right and even as I was concentrating on his pleasure, my own was becoming undeniable. It had been a long time.

As my breathing became labored and I felt a tightening low in my stomach, Edward touched me where we were joined, and I threw my head back and moaned loudly at the pleasure coursing through me. It radiated out from my pelvis and through my whole body, right down to my toes and out to my fingertips.

Just as my climax enveloped me, Edward grabbed me and hugged me close to him, lifting his hips and thrusting into me quickly. I felt his body go rigid as he held me tightly against him and groaned loudly in my ear. "Oh, God. Bella."

His arms eventually loosened from around me and we lay there in silence, breathing heavily and sweating from the exertion. I snuggled closer, burying my face in his neck as he lightly kissed my forehead and ran his hands gently up and down my back.

I eventually lifted my head to make sure he was dealing well with what happened and he looked back at me, his eyes soft, a look of wonder on his face. "What happened to you?" he asked quietly.

"Do you really want to know?" I asked softly.

He cocked his head to the side and regarded me for a moment before responding. "Yes, I do."

I bit my lip, contemplating finally sharing my letters with him, of finally letting him see what his absence had been like for me and how it had changed me. I looked into his face, so open and affectionate and almost boy-like, and decided that I wanted him to know. If we were really, truly going to fix our marriage and get to know each other again, I had to share every part of myself with him. No matter how ashamed it made me feel or how angry it might make him.

I didn't know if he was ready, but he had come so far since we'd been here and he was asking me to let him know me again, and I couldn't deny him that.

I got up from bed, put my robe on, and found the letters where I had hidden them and handed them to Edward.

He looked astonished. "There are so many," he said, sitting up, the bed sheet pulled up to his waist.

"I wrote you almost every day," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I missed you and this was a way for me to share my life with you and feel close to you."

"I don't know where to start," he said.

"They're already in order from the first to the last."

He shook his head and stared down at the stack in his lap. "Are you sure you want me to read this?"

"They were meant for you," I said.

He nodded, picked up the one off the top, and started to read.

I dressed and then made myself scarce, not wanting to see his reactions.

It was much, much later when he found me, his eyes red rimmed and his face a mixture of emotions. I wasn't yet sure about the reaction I was going to get, so I put my knitting aside and sat with my hands in my lap, waiting for him to say or do something. His emotions had been so volatile and I was so afraid he would be angry with me.

He came over and knelt in front of me, taking my hands in his. He pursed his lips, then opened his mouth but closed it again quickly. His eyes were looking for understanding, for help, for forgiveness. But before I could offer him any of those things, his hands were in his hair and his head was in my lap. His chest heaved and a sob escaped his throat.

I blinked rapidly a few times before I regained my wits. I removed his hands from his hair and replaced them with my own, stroking him gently.

"Edward?" I asked after a few minutes.

He picked up his head and looked at me sadly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I cocked my head to the side and gently stroked his face. "For what?"

"I should have been better to you after I came home. I just...I thought...I wanted...You know what? There is no excuse. I'm just sorry."

"It's all right. You have to stop apologizing."

"I'll never be able to apologize enough. You're so much stronger than I'll ever be."

"That's not true. How can you say that? Edward, what you went through would cripple anyone. That you're functioning at all is a testament to your strength."

"It's because of you, though. You make me strong. If you weren't here I would have given up a long time ago. When you're with me I feel better and happier and like maybe someday we can live the life we wanted."

"I don't think it's about the life we wanted anymore. I think it's about the life we have. And you know what? It's not a bad life. We have a family that loves us, good friends and we have each other. We're together. You could have so easily never come home to me. Let's appreciate what we have instead of lamenting what we've lost."

He nodded and looked up at me and though his eyes were still sad, the barest hints of a smile graced his lips.

"You went through a lot," he said, suddenly sobering.

"Not really. Not compared to what you endured."

"One has nothing to do with the other," he said, shaking his head.

"Maybe," I said, not really agreeing with him but also not wanting to make a big deal out of it.

"Can we talk about a few things?" he asked, coming to sit next to me on the couch.

I nodded, grateful that he wasn't running away from me and didn't appear to be angry.

"You teach Italian?" he asked, a slight tremor in his voice.

I nodded and bit my lip, my stomach twisting in knots, waiting for his reaction.

"Do you like it? Teaching, I mean," he asked softly, swallowing loudly.

"I do. It's so...rewarding. I feel like I'm doing something good," I said carefully.

"Tell me about it," he said, reaching for me. I was confused as to what he wanted until he rested my head on his legs and put his hands in my hair.

So I laid with my head in his lap and told him about my classes and lesson plans, and about Victoria and Alec and my other students. I told him how it was because of him that it was possible at all. He scoffed, telling me that it was all me, that I was just as smart as he was, and any shortcomings I thought I had were due to lack of confidence. He insisted that had I been given the same encouragement he had, I would have mastered Italian without his help.

He was so sincere and earnest and I wanted very much to believe him.

Edward gently wiped my tears as I told him about Joseph; how I met him and his Frances, how he changed my life by mentioning the job opening at the high school, and how he was killed just weeks after he was deployed to the Pacific.

We eventually got hungry and over dinner, Edward expressed regret that he hadn't given his condolences to the Copes while we were back in Maryland, so caught up in his own suffering. He also asked about Charlotte and was surprised and pleased to hear that Rose was pregnant.

As we cleaned up from dinner, Edward quietly asked me about James. It was a conversation I didn't want to have and I was nervous, but I told him everything I thought he would want to know. He asked me a few questions and I could see his anger and impatience simmering just beneath the surface. Until he couldn't hold it in anymore.

"How could you forget to get the fucking key back?" He jumped on me the minute I mentioned it, as if he had been waiting to scold me. "You _knew _how I felt about him and you let him come into our home when I wasn't there? You _had_ to have him shovel the damn snow?" he shouted.

My hands started to shake and the plate I was holding slipped from my hands and broke in the sink. "You weren't there to do it for me!" I shouted back, turning to him. "You were halfway around the world kissing and going on dates with another woman!"

He reeled back as if I had struck him, blinked rapidly and opened his mouth but closed it quickly.

I turned from him and started to pick up the pieces of the broken dish with shaking hands but I dropped them when he stood behind me and touched my shoulder. "Don't," I snapped.

He dropped his hand quickly but stood close enough to me that I could almost feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed in and out. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice so broken and sad. He turned and walked out of the kitchen and I went to follow him but was suddenly overwhelmed by everything that I'd been through since that Sunday morning in December; my father dying so unexpectedly, the war, moving thousands of miles from my childhood home, the changes in Edward and his subsequent departure, being forced to start a new life without him. Dealing with James and Charlotte and Victoria and with the death of Joseph. Thinking that my marriage was over and then hearing what Edward had to do while he was away, and then having to listen to him tell me how he had been beaten and tortured.

I had to be strong to make it day to day while he was gone but not only for myself, I had to be strong for Alice and for Victoria and for Charlotte and for Mrs. Cope. Then I had to be strong for Edward after he came home; I had to be on my toes constantly, never knowing how he was going to react to a given situation. My sleep was interrupted every night and I didn't feel like I could ever express an emotion because I had to be so concerned with what Edward was feeling every second of every day.

And now I had no strength left.

I sank to the floor in the kitchen, buried my face in my arms and cried. I was tired of being the strong one; I wanted someone to take care of me, even for a little while. I wanted to forget that my husband had kissed another woman and I wanted the damn war to be over. I wanted to go back to Maryland and I wanted to stay here and hide forever. I wanted the Edward I grew up with back and I wanted to get to know the new one better than I knew the old.

My sobs were loud and I was shaking almost uncontrollably when two strong arms embraced me from behind.

"It's okay," Edward said. "I'm here now."

I leaned into him, not caring anymore that I was angry with him. The first time Edward had made me feel safe in the midst of chaos we were five years old, and today was no different.

He sat there silently and held me for a long time while I cried, his legs on either side of mine and his arms around me bringing me the comfort that no one else could.

"I hate what you had to do. It's not fair," I choked out through my sobs.

"I know. I hate it too," he said softly into my ear, holding me tighter.

"Why did this have to happen to us?"

"I don't know. But I'll do anything to make you happy," he said, his hand coming to rest on my cheek as he pulled me closer to him. "You've been so strong for me. Let me take care of you now. Please. I know I'm still not in great shape, but we can do this together. We have each other and you're all I need."

I nodded and turned in his arms so I could feel closer to him, burying my head in his chest.

When I finally stopped crying Edward stood and took me by the hand, helping me up and leading me upstairs. He sat me on our bed, kissed me on the forehead and then left the room. I laid down, exhausted from the emotional roller coaster of the day, until Edward came back a few minutes later.

"Come," he said, extending his hand to me. I took it dutifully and followed behind him to the bathroom. He slowly and gently removed my clothes before taking my hand and helping me into the warm bath. I relaxed almost immediately as I sank into the tub, an involuntary sigh of relief escaping my lips.

Edward smiled at me and softly kissed my lips before turning to leave.

I opened my mouth to ask him to stay, but closed it quickly. My instinct of late had been to make sure he was content and taken care of, but some time alone to concentrate on myself was appealing.

So I watched him leave and sank down in the tub, enjoying the warmth and tranquility I felt. My cry in the kitchen had been cathartic. I had been ignoring my own feelings for so long to focus on Edward that it was good to finally let myself feel everything I'd been denying for so long.

I sat in the tub for a long time but didn't delve too deeply into anything. Ever since the war started my mind had been on overdrive and for once, I just wanted calm and peace.

Once the water cooled I put on my bathrobe and went to the bedroom where I found Edward sitting in bed reading. When he saw me he put the book aside and sat straight, focusing all of his attention on me.

"Hi," he said nervously, swallowing audibly.

"Hi," I said, heading for the dresser and pulling out my nightgown. After I slipped it over my head, I turned around and got in bed. Edward was tracking my every move and as I got comfortable under the covers, he did the same so we were eventually on our sides facing each other.

"How do you feel?" he asked quietly.

"Good," I responded. "I'm sorry I–"

"Don't," he interrupted. "Just...don't. I've let this go on too long. We were supposed to take care of each other, but you've been holding us together from almost the minute we got married and I've been along for the ride. I won't do that anymore." He moved closer to me, grasped my hand in his, his eyes finding mine. "I've taken too much from you already. But I want to make you strong, just like you make me. You've carried us by yourself for too long."

He bent down and kissed the palm of my hand softly before looking back up at me. "I've said I wanted to take care of you often enough, but I haven't done a damn thing about it. That stops now."

I went to respond but my breath hitched and I started to cry again, softly this time. He was right. I didn't want to be the strong one all the time and I needed him. I was so very tired.

He held me closely and rubbed my back while I cried, kissing me softly and telling me he loved me and that we were going to be all right.

Once my tears subsided, he laid me on my back and wiped gently under my eyes. "I know I've promised you so much in the past that I haven't made good on, and I can't say that I'll be perfect, but I'm going to try to do better."

"Me, too," I mumbled tiredly, cuddling in close to him. I was exhausted from the emotion of the day, starting with Jasper's return and ending with my breakdown in the kitchen. I had no energy left and fell asleep almost immediately to the steady, strong beat on Edward's heart.

I woke up the following morning to soft kisses on my face and a gentle hand in my hair. I smiled and opened my eyes, stretching and then resting my head on Edward's chest.

"Good morning," he said, his voice deep and rough from sleep.

"Morning," I mumbled, still sleepy and so warm and content and not willing to wake up quite yet.

He held me tightly for a few more minutes before I spoke again. "Are you hungry?" His appetite was better but I still found myself constantly offering to feed him.

"A little," he said.

I made a move to get up but he held me tightly against him.

"No, no, no. Not yet. It's still early."

"But–"

"No buts," he interrupted. "I'm not ready to let you go yet. Please?"

I nodded against his t-shirt and relaxed into his embrace.

"So, I've been thinking...," he said, trailing off.

"About?"

"Your letters. You. How much you've changed."

I shifted so I could look at him. "Is there something else you wanted to say?" I asked warily.

He put his hand on my cheek and smiled at me. "You don't have to look like that. You put me in my place last night; I won't be questioning you anymore."

"You're my husband," I said, putting my head back down on his chest. "You can ask me anything, just don–"

"May I say something before you go any further?" he interrupted.

I nodded against his chest and waited.

"I realized after reading your letters that while I was gone you became more...you, if that makes any sense. You were always such a spitfire, Bella. It was one of the things I loved most about you. But after the war started and your dad died, you seemed to lose that spark."

He kissed to top of my head and continued. "I wanted to give that back to you. I wanted it to be because of me that you found your strength and your fire. But I didn't try hard enough to bring it out in you, I know that now. It's not an excuse, but I was so wrapped up in what I was doing with the Navy…I wasn't a good husband to you, at least not the one I wanted to be. I know it's not fair or right," he said, sighing. "But I was angry and frustrated that you seemed almost...I don't know...better off without me."

"That's not true!" I exclaimed, lifting myself up on my elbow. "How can you sa-"

"Bella. Let me finish," he said patiently, taking me and placing me back across his chest. "I know it's not true. I know you love me and I realize we're better together. But I can't help how I felt at the time. At the start of your letters you were so sad and delicate and by the time I got to the end, you were defending yourself against intruders and helping girls not much younger than you figure out their lives. You had a whole life that didn't include me and it...it hurt. I was angry that I wasn't a part of it and that you seemed to thrive without me. I'm sorry I took it out on you."

"Even when you were away, you were the most important part of my life," I replied softly.

"And you were mine," he said firmly, moving over me and kissing me soundly on the mouth, his hands on either side of my head. "I can't even adequately express to you how much I missed you. You were my last thought before I fell asleep at night and the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning. You were never far from my thoughts, no matter where I was or what I was doing."

He kissed me softly on the mouth and then whispered against my lips. "You have no idea how many nights I spent alone...thinking about you...dreaming about being with you this way."

"I thought about you, too," I said as he nestled between my legs.

"You did?" he asked, his eyes finding mine.

I blushed, biting my lip and nodding my head.

"You thought about...this?" he asked, his lips moving across my neck, his hips gently rocking into mine.

I nodded again, embarrassed, and I felt like I needed to explain myself. "I had these dreams sometimes, about being with you like this, and then one time I even –." I stopped myself, my eyes widening, horrified at what I was about to say.

"You what?' he asked, lifting his head and looking at me, his voice tense.

"Never mind," I said, shaking my head, my cheeks warm.

"Bella, if you don't tell me my mind will wander and I'll think the worst," he said, his forehead resting on mine.

"I…I can't," I said softly, withdrawing from him and turning onto my side, embarrassment and shame making my heart pound and tears spring to my eyes.

I heard him shift behind me and swallow loudly. "If something happened while I was gone…I…." He let out a long breath and when he spoke again I could hear the strain in his voice, as if he was holding back tears. "I was gone for a long time and you didn't hear from me…I won't like it, Bella, but I won't be a hypocrite. I just need to know the truth."

I turned quickly when I realized what he meant by his mind wandering. He was sitting next to me, his face anguished and his hands tugging at his hair.

I removed his hands from his hair and sat myself in his lap, taking my face in his hands. "Stop, please. I would never be unfaithful to you."

"But you said –."

"I know what I said."

I would have to tell him, if only to ease his mind. I took a deep breath to try to calm my nerves, but I was shaking and my heart was in my throat. I didn't know how I was going to get the words out.

"Bella…." he said, a pleading tone in his voice, his hands rubbing my shoulders gently.

I nodded and rested my head against his chest so I wouldn't have to look at him when I spoke.

"I...had this dream...and I...woke up from it and I...touched myself while thinking about you," I said softly.

When he didn't respond I was sure he was disgusted with my behavior. I went to move from him but he grasped my shoulder, stopping me. I chanced a look at him and his eyes were wide and he was breathing heavily, his mouth hanging open.

"You...oh, my God," Edward said, grabbing my face in his hands and searching for the truth in my eyes. "Bella, do you mean... ."

I didn't think it was possible, but my face became even warmer under his gaze and tears started to fall from my eyes. "I'm sorry," I said irrationally.

"You're sorr–." He suddenly reached out and took the hem of my nightgown, dragging it over my head as I sat there in shock. "Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for. That was probably the single most arousing thing I've ever heard."

My brow furrowed as I processed his words. "Oh!" I said, not only surprised that I had read his reaction wrong, but that I hadn't noticed just how aroused he was. It was very, very obvious. "Really?"

"Really," he practically growled, his eyes holding an intensity and fire I'd never seen before. They seemed darker, somehow, and the naked desire in them made my whole body pulse with wanting him.

He kissed me hard on the mouth as I wrapped my legs around his waist, his hips pressing into mine. I rocked against him gently and he groaned, burying his head in my neck and meeting me with gentle thrusts of his own. I already felt the tension building in my body as I clutched the back of his t-shirt and tightened my legs around him.

"I can't believe you did that," he groaned into my neck, laying me down on my back. "God, you are so beautiful. I love you so much."

"I love you, too," I whispered, pulling him closer to me, anxious to feel his body on top of mine.

When I reached for the waistband of his boxer shorts, his movements seemed to lose some of their urgency. "Bella, I…I want you so much…I'm just…," he pleaded, lifting his head, his eyes so unsure.

"Shh. It's okay. You're going to be fine. You didn't hurt me last night" I said, smiling and running my hand through his hair, hoping to reassure him; we kissed and touched for a long time until he relaxed and his boxers were on the floor next to my nightgown.

"I meant what I said last night," Edward whispered in my ear right before we joined together. "I'm going to take care of you. In every way I know how."

I groaned and arched my back, clutching the sheets in my fists as we came together, my body still not used to accommodating his, but desperately craving it nonetheless.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Edward whispered in my ear, making me shiver and adding to the tension in my body. Edward was still controlled; his movements seemed deliberate and his jaw was clenched, but before long, we were both sweating and panting and releasing some of the pent-up tension that had been building for months. We had a lot of lost time to make up for.

x-x-x-x

Our Thanksgiving turned out to be different than any of us had anticipated. Alice, Mary and Esme joined forces to bring Thanksgiving to Jasper in his small hospital room. They decorated the room with small pumpkins and colorful flowers and had tables brought in that they lined with richly colored tablecloths. They prepared a huge turkey with countless side dishes and we had apple and pumpkin pies for dessert. The room was cramped and we had to eat off of our laps, but we laughed and talked and enjoyed our meal; no table or place setting could have made it any better.

And when we were finished we shared our meal with the other veterans on Jasper's floor of the hospital, many of whom were celebrating their first Thanksgiving on American soil in years. Despite Jasper's paralysis and Edward's problems, it was the most joyous Thanksgiving we'd had in years. We were all together.

Edward and I spent a good deal of the next week alone as we continued to reconnect emotionally and physically. We made time every day to talk about us, whether it was about our time apart or our past or our future.

When we talked about the life I built for myself in Maryland, I continually assured him that it was never complete without him and that I missed him always, even as I found my job fulfilling and my friendships flourished.

Eventually he told me how proud he was of me for surviving so well without him, though he admitted to still feeling resentful. But I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders now that he knew everything; it was a relief that I could finally _feel_. I told him how jealous I was of the time he spent with Tanya and how I absolutely despised the fact that he had been with someone else, no matter if he wanted to be or not. The simple fact was that his lips and his hands had known someone else and it was something we could never take back.

He handled our conversations well, though at times he had trouble reigning in his emotions, and a few times he had to walk away to regain his composure.

Once, during a particularly intense conversation, I told him that the fact that he told me Tanya was beautiful and reminded him of me hurt me deeply.

"But I've only ever loved you. I don't see any other woman the way I see you. Why should that bother you?" He seemed genuinely confused and I patiently tried to explain it to him.

"You were…intimate with her." He opened his mouth and I held up my hand. "Not the way you are with me, I understand that. But you spent time with her; you held her hand and talked with her and kissed her. To hear that you thought she was beautiful and interesting hurts me."

"Objectively, she _was_ beautiful," he said. "Why is this a big deal?"

"How would you feel if I told you I thought James was handsome?" I asked.

He clenched his jaw and his eyes flashed angrily at me. "Do you?"

"That's not the point. It obviously makes you angry when I mention him, and I never kissed him. Why can't you see that it's the same for me when you mention Tanya?"

Understanding flashed across his face and then he banged his hand angrily on the table, making me jump and my heart rate quicken, before getting up and stalking out the back door of the house. I sat waiting; this wasn't the first time this happened and going after him wasn't the answer. He wasn't angry with me, he was angry with himself and the situation and he walked away so he could calm down. I jumped again when I heard a loud crash and a yell from the backyard, but I stayed where I was.

I waited a full ten minutes and then walked slowly to the back of the house. I found Edward sitting on the back porch stairs, shivering and tugging at his hair. A mangled lawn chair lay off to the side.

I sat one step above him and gently put my arms around him as he leaned into me, dropping his hands to his side.

"Better?" I asked softly, running a hand through his hair.

He nodded and breathed deeply, but said nothing. We were past apologies.

I sat there holding him, surprised at how content I felt at that moment. None of this was easy for either of us, and there was no end in sight, but we were together and we understood each other better now than we ever had. The simple comfort we were now taking in each other made everything else seem less chaotic.

We talked later that night about when and if we would go back to Maryland. I made no secret of the fact that I wanted to return, that I missed my job and my students and Rose, but Edward was reluctant. He felt comfortable in Hawaii and was doing much better in the routine we had established.

The decision was taken out of our hands two days later.

We were at Carlisle and Esme's house, trying to figure out the logistics of having Alice and Jasper's wedding at the hospital when the telegram came. It was addressed to Edward and when I looked at him in question, he shrugged. "This is where I told the Navy I would be when we left."

"Of course," I said, remembering Edward's surprise when arranged for us to stay at my father's house.

Edward opened the telegram and as he started to read, his hands started to shake and his face went ashen.

"I have to go back," he said, looking up at me, the telegram falling from his hand and fluttering slowly to the floor.

I walked over to him and took his face in my hands. "Where?" I asked, my fingertips rubbing gently under his eyes, which were still shadowed, but much less so than they had been in weeks.

"Back to Intelligence. I have to report for duty in ten days," he said, his voice harsh and raspy.

He looked down and I lowered myself so I was looking directly in his eyes.

"We can deal with this. Don't shut down on me."

He nodded his head, looking up and putting his arms loosely around my waist. "I won't let them separate me from you again. I can't...I won't be able to take it."

I held his face in my hands, feeling rough stubble under my hands. "Look at me."

His eyes swept to mine and the sadness I found there was so profound it made my chest ache. "It's going to be all right. Chances are they won't send you anywhere again," I said, thinking quickly. "It'll probably just be the same work you were doing before."

He just shook his head and closed his eyes. "Hey, look at me, please," I said softly.

He opened his eyes again and seemed calmer. "We're going to be fine. We'll get through this. We've already been through some of the worst circumstances life could hand us and we're still here...and together."

He nodded and pulled me into a tight embrace. "I love you so damn much. You're everything," he whispered in my ear.

We made our arrangements to get back to Maryland and the day before we were supposed to leave, I decided it was finally time to do something I had been putting off for almost two years.

"There's something I need to do before we leave," I told Edward as we ate breakfast.

He tilted his head to the side and waited for me to elaborate.

"I want to go see my father. I haven't been back since the funeral."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. "I'd like to go alone, if that's okay."

"Of course it is. When did you want to go?"

"This afternoon, I think."

I drove to the cemetery and quickly realized I had no idea where he was. I hadn't been in the best state of mind during the burial and had been driven to the cemetery. After asking after the location of the grave at the office, I walked over to where Charlie was buried.

It was well cared for and there were fresh flowers in front of the stone; I stood there for a minute before sitting cross-legged in the grass.

"Hi, Daddy," I said softly. I took a crumpled envelope out of my pocket; it was the letter I had written him after he died and my despair was at its worst and had carried with me from Hawaii to Maryland and back again every time I traveled. I propped it up against the stone and sat back, staying silent for a long time.

"I miss you so much," I finally began. "Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. There's so much I want to tell you...so many things going on. I've wished so often that you were here to help me through this. That you could tell me what to do. I'm trying to be strong and make good decisions but I get so scared sometimes. I know you wanted me to be self-sufficient. I know you wanted me to be independent and not need anyone, but I needed you. For just a little longer."

I drew my legs up and wrapped my arms around them, resting my chin on my knee.

"You wouldn't know Edward anymore. He was always serious, but he used to laugh and smile so easily," I said wistfully, tears welling up in my eyes at the realization that I honestly couldn't remember the last time I heard him laugh. "He's still good, though. Good and loving and sweet. He just has so much on his mind, especially now. His time in Italy was hard on him and I'm not sure he'll ever be the same again."

"It's going to be okay, though. As okay as it can be. He's so much better since we've been here. I'm a little scared of what's going to happen when we go back to Maryland and he reports for duty."

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry it took so long for me to come and see you. I don't really have an excuse, except that things have been…difficult. I know now that Edward and I married too young and long before we were ready. We should have waited, and we would have, but the war came and turned everything on its head.

"I think if I didn't have memories of the sweet boy I grew up with to sustain me, I would have given up on the man I married long ago. But we love each other and it's been enough."

"We're going home tomorrow." I paused, considering what I had just said. "I'm not even sure I know what that means anymore. We're so comfortable here and we've come so far since we came back, but I built a life for myself in Maryland while Edward was gone. I'm not sure if it's right for us to go back, but we don't have a choice, the Navy isn't going to wait."

"I'll try to come back when I can. It might not be for a while, but I hope you know that you're always on my mind and some day, if I'm ever a parent, I'm going to look to you and the way you raised me for inspiration.

"I love you, Daddy."

I sat for a long time and as the sun set behind me and a chill permeated the air, a warm body came and sat next to me.

"We were getting worried."

"I'm sorry. I just don't know when I'll be back and I wanted to take as much time as I could."

"Mind if I sit with you for a bit?"

"Of course not."

We sat for a few minutes in companionable silence.

"Are you the one leaving the flowers?" I asked suddenly.

"He was my best friend," he said, shrugging, a small smile gracing his handsome face.

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"He would be so proud of you. You're a remarkable young woman."

I blushed but tried to accept his compliment graciously. "I don't know about that, but if I am, it's because of him," I said, gesturing to my father's gravestone.

"Somewhat yes, but don't sell yourself short. You've grown a lot since Charlie's death. My son is lucky to have you."

"I love him," I said simply.

"I know. You show it in everything you do. The change in him since he's been here has been nothing short of miraculous."

"He didn't deserve any of what happened to him."

"You're right, but you could have handled it differently. You could have decided he wasn't worth the effort."

"That would never happen," I said softly.

We sat quietly for another few minutes before I asked him something that had been on my mind in some form or another ever since Edward came home from Italy. "Do you think...do you think he needs professional help?"

He was quiet for a long time before he finally nodded his head. "I do. I've spoken to him about it, but he doesn't seem sold on the idea. I do think there's someone who can convince him, though," he said, smiling at me.

"I'll do what I can," I said, nodding my head. "But he can be stubborn."

"He can, but I think it's worth the try."

"It is."

I stood up abruptly and brushed off my dress.

"Are you ready to go home?"

I looked at him for a moment before I answered.

"I'm ready to go back to Edward, yes."

* * *

**So…the thing is…that was the last chapter. I didn't actually realize that until I was in the middle of writing it (the kitchen scene, to be exact) and that's part of the reason it took me so long to post. **

**I know it seems like there should be a lot more, but I need you to trust me here. The main story has been told and I don't want to drag this out unnecessarily. **

**But this isn't the last you'll hear of Navalward and Bella. There WILL be an epilogue (posting shortly), there's a Smut Monday outtake scheduled for August 9****th****, and a FGB outtake that belongs to the lovely and generous ctforget. As a mater of fact, she was so generous, she's getting more than one outtake. **

**Thanks to Lucette21 and LTR, as always. They make me better than I am.**

**I'm working on another story. It's nothing like **_**Finding Home**_**, but I hope you'll like it. Put me on author alert if you're interested.**


	27. Epilogue

**Sorry I didn't get to all the review replies for the last chapter. I appreciate you and your reviews so, so much, believe me. I hope to catch up this week.**

**Epically long a/n at the end.**

**See you on the flip side.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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* * *

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The church wasn't crowded, but the first few pews were taken up by friends, and a smaller number of family members who had made the trip. I felt self-conscious standing up on the altar in front of all those people and I tugged nervously at my dress. My eyes darted around and then came to rest on Edward, who was standing across from me. His eyes were bright with happiness and he looked completely at ease, his smile and appreciative stare calming my nerves. We could get through anything as long as we were together. I believed this now as firmly as I believed the sun would come up tomorrow morning.

It hadn't been easy. Our return to Maryland was fraught with distress and unhappiness. Edward was promoted to Lieutenant Commander and his work with the Navy resumed almost immediately, but he was unsettled and his emotions were more volatile than they had been in Hawaii. He was assured that he would remain stateside, but this didn't seem to set his mind at ease; his nightmares were violent and his temper was short.

But as promised, he was more attentive to my needs and put time and effort into our relationship. I did more of the heavy lifting, but I wasn't doing it alone and that made all the difference.

I resumed teaching almost immediately upon our return and Edward and I tried to find a routine that worked for both of us. Thankfully, his hours weren't as odd as they had been, and he was usually only out of the house for ten to twelve hours per day. We could usually eat dinner together and go to bed at the same time. Our evenings at home seemed to calm him and keep him in a good place. It was the days when I couldn't be home with him when trouble seemed to crop up.

On a sunny Tuesday in May of 1944 I received a frantic call at school from Mrs. Cope. She heard loud noises coming from our house and went over to find Edward tearing apart the bookcase that was in our living room.

I ran home and found him sitting in the corner of the living room, his head buried in his arms, books and paper and wood scattered throughout the room. It took me a while, but I finally got him to look at me and eventually up into bed where he slept for fourteen hours. He later explained that a voice on the radio reminded him of one of the men who held him in Italy and he panicked; he couldn't breathe, was cold to the point of shivering and he felt like the walls were closing in on him; and that was the last thing he remembered until he woke up hours later.

In September of that same year, something happened to Edward while he was working for the Navy, something he couldn't tell me about, but something that caused him to take to his bed and sleep on and off for five straight days. I was beside myself with worry the whole time and even had a doctor come to check on him, but there was nothing physically wrong with him. Edward apologized when he was finally lucid, shocked that he had slept for so long. He never did tell me what caused it. It was one of the few incidents he never explained fully to me during our life together.

Incidents like that were rare but not unheard of and made me almost sick with fear for him, and at the time I wondered about the wisdom of Edward staying in the Navy, even with the war still raging. But the one time I brought it up to him he flatly refused to ask for a discharge. He felt like the work he was doing was worthwhile, and while being back there did bring up some unpleasant memories, it kept him occupied and out of his own head. I immediately saw the wisdom in that and never brought it up again.

In the fall of 1944, Edward finally sought professional help for his issues, but it wasn't an episode I would have anticipated that finally convinced him it was time. I looked at him across the altar, so handsome in his light linen suit, and though it didn't seem appropriate to think about it in church, but I recalled the incident with perfect clarity.

_"Bella?"_

_His breath was tickling the back of my neck; I was groggy, it was still dark out and I felt like I hadn't been asleep long._

_"Are you all right?" I asked, certain he'd had a nightmare._

_"No. I need you."_

_I turned over onto my back to look at him, his beautiful face so anguished. I reached up and touched his cheek before running my hand to the back of his head, gripping his hair. He moved swiftly to rest between my legs and groaned softly as his lips moved across my neck, his hands in my hair. This was unexpected._

_"What is it?" I asked breathlessly, my body already responding to his._

_"I need you. You're the only thing that makes me feel good anymore," he said into my neck. "Please, Bella."_

_I knew it was wrong, that whatever was bothering him couldn't be solved with lovemaking. But he knew my body so well and he was hard and ready and I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make him feel good and to help him forget whatever woke him in the middle of the night. I wanted to take his pain away, if only for a little while. _

_"I love you so much," he said, hovering over me while lowering his pajama bottoms, but leaving his shirt on; we still hadn't gotten over that hurdle._

_I threaded my hands through the hair at the back of his neck and brought his lips to mine, moaning when his tongue entered my mouth; his kisses were so eager and his hips were gently moving against mine. _

_He moved down my body, slid my underwear down and lifted my nightgown, his gentle hands moving across my stomach and hips._

_He crawled back up to lay on top of me, entering me quickly and sighing in what seemed like relief._

_"Oh, God. You feel so good," he groaned into my neck. "I don't know what I would do without you."_

_I wrapped my legs around his waist and closed my eyes, loving the feel of him inside me. I wondered if it would always feel this good and perfect, even when the reasons weren't ideal._

_"Please, open you eyes and look at me," he pleaded._

_I gazed into wild green eyes that calmed when they met mine. He started moving slowly, his face inches from mine, his forearms on either side of my head._

_"I love you. I don't ever want to be without you."_

_"You won't be."_

_He moved slowly, almost agonizingly so. He continued to look at me, holding my gaze and moving his hips for what seemed like hours. It was slow and sweet, as was my climax when it eventually overtook me. It was long and drawn out and I felt like it would never end. I grabbed the back of Edward's neck and called his name and forgot everything else we were going through, just for that moment. And I understood why he needed this respite._

_"Oh, Bella," he cried out moments later, his body stiffening then relaxing with his release._

_He rested his head on my chest and I played lightly with his hair. "This isn't an answer, you know."_

_It took Edward a long time to respond, and when he did, his voice was soft. "I know."_

_"You need help."_

_"I know," he said, his voice resigned._

_"Edward..."_

_"I know, I know. I'm sorry."_

_"You don't need to be sorry. You didn't force me into anything. But this is a temporary solution," I said, running my fingers through the sweaty hair at the back of his neck. "It only keeps the problem at bay for a little while. We can't stay in bed and make love all day every day."_

_I felt him smile against my chest. "Why not?"_

_"Because when we get out of bed and I make it back to school, I won't be able to walk properly," I responded, giggling._

_His spontaneous, joyful laughter made my heart swell in my chest and tears spring to my eyes. I hadn't heard it in so long._

_But I wouldn't let myself be distracted from the topic at hand. We had been home for months and I had tried to subtly bring up the fact that I thought he needed to see someone. I didn't think subtle was working._

_"Seriously, Edward. You need to talk to someone. This is beyond me."_

_He nodded his head and kissed my chest softly. "You're right, I know you are." He picked up his head and looked at me. "Did I tell you that a doctor came to see me in the hospital?" _

_I shook my head and ran my hand absently up and down his shirt covered spine._

_He had that look on his face, the one full of guilt and remorse for the way he had treated me when he first came home. _

_"Don't," I said. "Just tell me what happened."_

_"It was the night I woke up in the hospital, after you left with Alice. He came in and told me I could talk to him, that I could safely tell him everything. He asked me how I was feeling and I thought...I thought maybe if I told him, that I might feel differently about...you. I was desperate for some hope, for some way to be able to communicate with you._

_"So I told him almost everything. I told him about my fears and anxieties, about how I was always cold and I felt afraid most of the time. I told him about the nightmares and how I betrayed you and was afraid that you would leave me. I probably spoke for an hour straight, even though I was exhausted. You know what he told me when I was finished?"_

_I shook my head._

_"He said, 'Don't worry, son. Just act normal and you'll feel normal.'"_

_Tears sprang to my eyes at how callously his feelings had been dismissed, but I swallowed them back. "I'm sorry. But there have to be other doctors out there," I said with more conviction than I felt._

_He lowered his head back down to my chest and sighed. "Dad mentioned it a few times when we were home. I've just been...avoiding, I guess. I'm afraid of dredging it all up. It's bad enough I have to relive it almost every night, but to have to talk about it in my waking hours..." He shivered and I held him tighter, wrapping my arms and legs around him._

_"Your dad and I talked about it, too."_

_"You did?"_

_"Yes, very briefly the day before we left when he met me at Dad's grave. He told me he thought it would help and I'm starting to agree with him. I just want you to be well. I want you to be happy again and I want you to be able to handle your emotions. Then maybe you could get some real rest and maybe..."_

_"What?"_

_"Maybe we could think about starting a family."_

_He looked up at me quickly. "Really? That's something you want?"_

_"Not right this minute, but some day. And you have to be well for us to do that."_

_He put his head back on my chest and spoke softly. "I want that, too."_

_"Can we start looking for a doctor tomorrow?"_

_He nodded his head and we didn't say anything else, but neither one of us slept for a long time. _

I sighed and looked over at him again; he had tried. We both had. As promised, we started our long and ultimately fruitless search for someone to help Edward that very next day. The first doctor we saw pulled out a cigarette, which caused Edward to tense up and leave the office immediately. So from then on we had to make sure that the doctor didn't smoke before we made the appointment. Then there was the one who told Edward that he was simply tired and should get more sleep. We heard "act normal and you'll feel normal" more times than we could count, and when a doctor suggested that Edward should "start acting like a man," we stopped looking altogether.

Edward was getting better simply as a consequence of time, and I could usually see him through most of his anxiety, but if I wasn't home and he started feeling troubled or unhappy, we had to come up with ways for him to get through it on his own. Reading was one; Edward had always loved books and could easily get lost in a good story. But if he was already anxious, he found he couldn't focus on the words in front of him. So at those times, he would concentrate on a happy memory, usually from our childhood. He told me those worked best because they weren't in any way associated with the war or his perceived betrayal of me. Sometimes we were riding bikes, sometimes eating ice cream, sometimes we were on the beach, and sometimes we were just sitting down doing homework, but we were always together. So we decided to keep some childhood pictures of us in accessible places so he could look at them and hopefully refocus his energy on a happy time in his life.

Routine seemed to help him a great deal; if he knew what to expect, and felt like he had some measure of control over his surroundings, he seemed to have better command of his emotions and he slept better. But we wouldn't hit a consistent stride until the war ended in August of 1945. It was a momentous day with spontaneous celebrations breaking out in the streets, car horns honking incessantly and strangers kissing and hugging each other.

I remember feeling numb when I first heard the news on the radio. It was almost unbelievable. This thing that had dominated the better part of four years, all of my adult life and all of my married life, was over. This event that had taken my father from me and almost destroyed Edward and our marriage was coming to an end. When the truth finally sank in, I was a jumble of confused emotions. I was happy, of course, but thinking of our losses, especially of my father, made my chest ache. But we didn't just lose people. We lost our innocence; Alice and Jasper were happily married, but he had yet to regain the use of his legs; we lost more boys from home than I could count; the Copes lost their only child; Edward and I lost the future we thought we would have, and my husband, for all intents and purposes, had lost himself.

I don't know how long I sat there before Edward came crashing through the door, stopping short when he saw me. The look on his face was a mixture of joy and apprehension and fear and sadness. He looked as conflicted as I felt.

So instead of running out and enjoying the celebration in town, we sat in our living room and talked; we had decisions to make about our lives and our future.

x-x-x-x

_We sat on the couch, holding hands and listening to news bulletin after news bulletin reporting the end of the war. I was calmer for his presence and still processing the reality that it was really over. "What now?" I asked softly, looking into his bright green eyes._

_"I only have six more months. I'm finished after that. I thought for a long time that I would stay in, but not anymore. I want...I want what you have. I want something fulfilling, that makes me feel worthwhile and that I look forward to every day."_

_"Do you know what that is?"_

_"I'm not sure...I just...you always wanted to go to college. Do you still want to?" he asked._

_I thought about it for a moment, but I quickly realized I already knew the answer. "No," I said, shaking my head. "I want to keep teaching."_

_"But going to college was always a dream of yours. I'm afraid that I've taken it away from you," he said, tugging at his hair._

_"You haven't. People change. Dreams change," I said, shrugging and taking his hands in mine, lest they find their way back into his hair. "My eighteen year old self wouldn't have believed it, but I have everything I want." I smiled and moved a piece of hair off of his forehead. It was getting long again._

_"What do you want?" I asked him._

_"I'm not really sure. I think I'd like to go to college and then maybe medical school after that. I'm just not sure..." He was anxious, and anxiety led to outbursts._

_"You don't have to be sure about anything yet," I assured him soothingly. "You have some time to decide and then you always have the ability to change your mind. Nothing is set in stone."_

_He nodded but he still looked anxious. "I'm worried about how we'll live while I'm in school."_

_I quickly did some calculation in my head. "We have my salary, plus the money that accumulated while you were gone. Then there's the money my dad left me. I don't know how much college costs, but I think we'll be okay."_

_"That's not what I meant. I meant that we'll have less time together. I don't like the idea of you supporting us while I'm in school. I'll get a job."_

_"No."_

_"I'm sorry?"_

_"You heard me. You'll need to concentrate on your schoolwork. I realize how intelligent you are, but even the smartest person needs time to write papers and study. You can't work all day and then go to school all night. When will you do homework?"_

_"I'll find a way. I won't have you supporting me. It's not right. College followed by med school means I could be in school for the next six years."_

_"It's not just about me supporting you, Edward. You need routine. You know what too much stress does to you. You don't need that kind of anxiety. We'll be fine if you don't work."_

_"It doesn't seem fair."_

_"Fair? You'll be working just as hard as me, if not harder. And the goal is just as important as how we get you there, don't you think?"_

_He looked pensive for a long time, and his anxiety slowly melted away. "You're right, I know you are. I just have these ideas sometimes, about the way things should be, and they're just that. Ideas. It's just hard to see past them sometimes."_

_"I know," I said, stroking his hair lightly. "But this is right for us. You must see that."_

_He nodded, taking my hand in his. "I do. Thank you, sweetheart," he said, pulling me into a tight hug. "You really are my angel."_

x-x-x-x

The GI Bill helped us pay for his schooling and now, after all of his worry, he was about to graduate college a year early. I was so proud of him; he studied hard and when classes and homework and studying in his overloaded schedule became difficult, he tried to keep a positive attitude. He thrived in school, just as he always had, and after a year, decided what that thing was...the thing that would get him out of bed every morning, looking forward to his day.

Edward wanted to be a psychiatrist.

I was a little taken aback when he told me, but as he explained it to me, it began to make perfect sense. Our fruitless search for help led him to want to help others. Others who didn't have a supportive wife and a father who called at least twice a week to help him work through the things that were making him unhappy and tense. He'd been to the VA Hospital and had seen men in absolute mental anguish and knew that very easily could have been his reality. And because he felt so fortunate, he wanted to help others find some of the peace he had found.

Edward was far from perfect. He still had nightmares and was occasionally plagued with bouts of insomnia and depression. But he smiled and laughed and we took joy out of life. We spent time together reading books and going on long walks, even in the winter. We did jigsaw puzzles and took dancing lessons. We went out for dinner every Saturday night with Rose and Emmett and Alice and Jasper.

Alice and Jasper, who were married a few days after we left Hawaii back before the war was over, had moved here a year ago. Jasper decided to stay in the Navy and was assigned to the Pentagon, in their Office of Strategic Planning. And since Silver Spring was right on the outskirts of DC, the decision about where to settle was an easy one for them to make.

Jasper still wasn't walking, but he was working hard toward his goal. He spent hours lifting weights and trying to keep his body in shape. After a while, Edward and Emmett joined him and they would meet three times a week, going out for a beer after their workout. It was good for Edward, and for me. I could spend time by myself or with Alice and Rose and not feel guilty.

I looked at Alice sitting with Jasper in the church and gave her a small smile, so happy that she could be here. I knew she missed Hawaii sometimes, we all did, but being here together made it easier.

"Mrs. Cullen?" Father Black said, breaking me out of my thoughts and handing me the baby across the baptismal font. I took her in my arms and she looked up at me, wide eyed, kicking her legs and cooing softly. I smiled back at her and stroked her cheek with my finger, marveling at her soft skin. Edward came to stand beside me and put his arm gently around my shoulder, smiling over at me and then down at Elizabeth.

"Dearly beloved," Father Black began. "We are honored with the privilege of being present here today to witness and support in faith the christening of Elizabeth Ann McCarty; the daughter of Emmett and Rosalie McCarty, born into this world on April 9, 1949."

Rosalie and Emmett were standing together on the opposite end of the altar, beaming with pride, along with Jack, their firstborn, who at five years old was squirming uncomfortably through the whole ceremony.

"Edward and Bella, as Godparents to Elizabeth, God will give you the wisdom and ability to hold within your heart forever the spiritual welfare of this child. You are charged with the responsibility of seeing to the spiritual well-being of Elizabeth should the need arise and it is you who stands as spiritual counselors.

Do you accept this duty and charge?"

"We do."

"Do you promise to love, honor, support and encourage Elizabeth throughout her life?"

"We do."

With that, Edward and I held little Elizabeth over the font as Father Black poured water and oil over her head.

"I baptize you in the name of the Father; In the name of the Son; and in the name of the Holy Spirit; Amen."

After the ceremony, we went back to Rose and Em's for a small party, where I refused to relinquish baby duty to anyone. I had enjoyed Jack when he was a baby, but I had a been a little too frightened of him at the time to really appreciate him. I wouldn't make the same mistake with Elizabeth.

I was standing in Rose and Emmett's backyard, reveling the beautiful spring day, holding a drowsy Lizzie in my arms and feeling very content when I looked up and saw Edward staring at me from the other side of the yard. One of his former colleagues from the Navy was there talking to him, but Edward's attention seemed to be solely focused on me. The look on his face was indiscernible. It was a mixture of love and lust and awe and fear and I couldn't fathom what he saw when he looked at me. I looked back at him, my head tilted to the side, my brow furrowed, unable to look away.

I faintly heard him excuse himself to the person next to him, who was in the middle of a sentence and looked confused as Edward walked away form him and over to me. I followed Edward with my eyes as he walked over to me, smiling at him as he reached me. I switched Lizzie to me opposite shoulder and she cooed softly as Edward leaned down to whisper in my ear, his breath warm and sweet and tickling my ear.

"You're so beautiful. I want to make a baby with you."

My knees went weak and my stomach tied up in knots at his words. I closed my eyes briefly and I inhaled softly, surrounded by Edward's sweet scent, the closeness of his body causing mine to react instantly. I looked up at him and saw that he was entirely serious, and it made my heart beat quickly in my chest.

I blushed and met his gaze, unable to look away. "We will. Someday."

"No. Now," he insisted, his eyes blazing.

"Oh, Edward. I'm–."

"I know you think we're not ready, but can we just...I don't know...not think about the date anymore? Leave it up to God or fate to decide?"

He was so sweet and earnest and I wanted that with him. I wanted us to expand our family and be parents and share the love we felt for each other. I wanted to say yes to him.

So I did.

And whether it was God or fate or our bodies, we continued to be childless for many years to come. We spent more nights than I can remember, many long after I was ready to become a parent, with both of us crying when another month passed without me becoming pregnant.

It was a good life, though. Edward would graduate medical school and begin working for the VA almost immediately. Some of the stories his patients told caused his own horrific memories to resurface, but he wouldn't stop. He _had_ found the thing that made him feel worthwhile, and I couldn't have been prouder of him.

And even if life never brought us the child we both desperately craved, we would always have each other.

And it was enough.

* * *

**I left you hanging there a little bit, didn't I? Patience. The lovely ctforget has requested a future take for her very generous FGB donation, so be on the lookout for it. It will probably post under **_**Finding Liberty**_**. For her extreme generosity, she's receiving a second outtake, which she has agreed to let me share with you, the subject of which I won't reveal. It surprised and pleased me, and I hope you'll feel the same.**

**Also, don't forget about the Smut Monday outtake, which will post on August 9th, and under **_**Finding Liberty**_** that same day.**

**If I thanked everyone I needed to for their help with this story, my a/n would be longer than it usually is. I'll hit the important points. Thanks, as always, to Lucette21, my beta and friend, who has been with me for the entire year it's taken me to write and post this story. She's seen me through a lot of tough times and we've had some laughs, but the truth is, this story never would have been completed without her.**

**Thanks to LTR who has been my faithful pre-reader through most of this process and to brighterthansunshine who was the original beta for this story and who helped me outline it all those months ago.**

**Thank you to SR for being a great friend and generous pimp, and for always being there for me in my hour of need, without fail. And thanks to wwp for all of her medical advice and for being a good buddy.**

**Thanks to mycrookedsmile, bendingmirrors, TanglingShadows and Kassiah for recing this story on the Fictionators.**

**Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, who has sent encouraging PMs and tweets and has left posts on the thread. Without you, I would have stopped long ago. I still, even after clicking the "complete" button, find it hard to believe that anyone has cared enough to stick around, and I can't thank you all enough for making it to the end with me. I'm really going to miss these kids, and all of you. **

**I'm going to take a short break and then start posting the (still untitled) new story, followed by the FGB **_**Finding Home**_** outtakes.**

**Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Truly.  
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	28. FGB Outtake

**This was written for the lovely and generous ctforget, who won two outtakes in June's Fandom Gives Back Auction. This is the first of those outtakes. Her prompt was very broad (future in EPOV) and this is what I came up with. She was happy with it, and I hope you are too.**

**Thank you to Lucette21, SR and mycrookedsmile for their help with this.**

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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I opened another patient file and rubbed my eyes under my glasses. It had been a long day and Bella left me a note saying that she had some errands to run after work, so I was killing time updating patient information until she came home.

I looked down at the file and made some additional notes about the session I had with Alec Wright that day. He had seen and experienced some terrible things at Iwo Jima and Okinawa and he was suffering from flashbacks and nightmares. He was the husband of a colleague of Bella's named Victoria, and he was the one exception I made to my rule of never seeing patients socially. Bella and Victoria were close friends and we made it a point to never talk about them privately, but I felt, somehow, that Bella was good for Victoria, which would ultimately be good for my patient.

I made my notes about our session and moved on to my last file, glancing at the name written on the side.

James Reynolds.

I had asked after him when I reported back all those years ago, intent on asking him what the hell he thought he was doing coming into my house uninvited and basically propositioning my wife, but I had been told that he was deployed. I had all but forgotten about him until one night three years ago when I was working late and one of the hospital orderlies came to find me, needing a doctor to come and calm an agitated patient.

It took me a few minutes to realize it was him, but at the time it didn't matter; I was a doctor and he needed assistance. I injected him quickly with a sedative and the orderlies moved him into a bed.

When I checked on him a few hours later I saw recognition flash across his face, followed by something I could only describe as fear.

I quickly realized that I didn't want that. I didn't want him or anyone else to be afraid of me; it was the exact opposite of what I wanted my patients to feel around me. So I sat down next to him and asked him how he was feeling and if there was any way I could help him.

"You're a doctor?" he asked.

"A psychiatrist, yes."

"You want to...help me? Do you know what...?"

I took a deep breath and ran my hand across my mouth. "Bella told me everything. That has nothing to do with the here and now," I said firmly. I did believe it, but that didn't stop my insides from churning a little bit when I pictured what he wanted to do with my wife. I quickly willed the images away and focused on helping the damaged man in front of me.

"Are you seeing someone? A doctor?" I asked.

He looked up at me, an indiscernible look on his face. "You had quite a bad time a few hours ago," I said, trying to ease him into the conversation. "Does that happen often?"

He shrugged his shoulders and looked away, still not saying anything. I was used to this from my patients, so I just plowed ahead. "It might help if you talked to someone. It doesn't have to be me if I make you uncomfortable. I can recommend someone."

He shook his head and turned back to me. "I've tried. They don't fucking get it," he said bitterly.

I gave myself a moment to weigh my options, but I already knew what I needed to do. "I do. I get it," I said.

He looked at me with interest in his eyes, so I continued. "I went through some pretty bad things during the war. I came home and couldn't find anyone who I could talk to who understood how I felt. That's why I do this now. I can help you, if you'll let me."

"I don't understand. How did you...if you had no one?"

"Bella," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I was lucky. I don't think I would be alive today if it wasn't for her, and I certainly wouldn't be able to help anyone else."

"How is she?" he asked softly, with what seemed like genuine interest. I saw nothing inappropriate in his demeanor or in how he asked about her, much to my relief.

"She's good," I answered, not holding back my smile.

He nodded his head and looked at me. "I'm sorry about what I did. I was foolish and I never meant–."

I held up my hand. "I appreciate that, but there's no need. It was a long time ago and we need to move past it if you're going to let me help you. What do you think?"

"Yeah, okay," he said, nodding again and running a hand across his face.

I went home that night and told Bella that I was going to start seeing James professionally. After I promised her that my interest in helping him was genuine and that I had forgiven him for his behavior toward her, she kissed me and told me she had never been prouder of me. The warmth I felt in my chest at that moment is something I would never forget.

I started seeing James regularly after that and quickly understood why he was having trouble managing his life. He had been on the _USS Indianapolis _when it was struck by Japanese torpedoes in July of 1945. He survived the initial attack, along with almost nine hundred other crew, only to be left to fend for themselves when the Navy failed to notice that the ship never made it to its destination. Beset by thirst, hunger and most horribly, shark attacks, only three hundred of the initial nine hundred men survived the nearly five days in the open water before they were rescued.

James was one of the survivors and he had been struggling ever since. He couldn't fathom why the man on one side of him was taken away by sharks, and the man on the other side lost his will to live and simply drowned, while he was rescued relatively unscathed. He couldn't understand the rhyme or reason behind life and death and chance and wondered why he survived when so many others didn't.

His was one of the toughest cases I'd had since I started practicing psychiatry, but after three years of intense therapy, he was doing markedly better. As in my case, I was sure his experiences would be with him forever, but he was able to manage his emotions now, and was even in a stable relationship that he was confident would lead to marriage.

I closed the file, rested my head on the back of my office chair and closed my eyes, willing my wife to come home to me. I still struggled with nightmares and depression and the occasional bout of insomnia, but I was so much better than I had been. Still, her nearness brought me the kind of peace and comfort I couldn't find anywhere else and I already felt edgy from some of the patient sessions I had earlier in the day. I needed her soothing presence.

Bella had been much happier and lighter lately. I don't think either of us realized how stressed and tightly wound we had been while we were trying to get pregnant. We decided to stop trying right after Bella turned thirty, if for no other reason than the stress of anticipating every month as _the one_ was weighing on us. Once we released ourselves from that cycle of disappointment, the difference in both of us was glaring. We were a little sadder, to be sure, when we realized we would never have children of our own, but overall the way we dealt with each other and with life eased considerably. The area where it was most obvious was in our lovemaking. Once we started to relax and enjoy ourselves again, we realized just how tense it had been. We had fun now and enjoyed each other in ways we probably hadn't in years.

I was convinced that we simply weren't meant to be parents, that whatever happened to me during the war had damaged me physically and mentally to such an extent that conceiving a child would be impossible for us. I don't know that either of us was resigned to being childless, but we were dealing with it the best way we knew how. Together.

I felt my body relax perceptively when I heard the front door open. I went to go to her but before I could even rise from my chair, she was in the doorway looking at me with a brilliant smile on her face.

"Hi," I said, feeling myself respond in kind to her obvious delight about...something. "What is it?"

She didn't say anything until she came to sit on my lap, the only place she usually sat in my office, which suited me just fine. She put her hands in my hair, her face still lit by a smile, and kissed me softly.

"I was late," she said, releasing my lips from hers.

"It's okay, I saw your note," I replied, running a thumb across her cheekbone.

"No. I was _late_. But I didn't say anything because I didn't want to get your hopes up so I went straight to the doctor." She was practically bouncing up and down and had an expectant look on her face.

It took a minute for what she meant to sink in. "Bella?"

My eyes searched hers, desperate for confirmation of what I thought she was telling me. She nodded her head vigorously and I placed my hands on either side her face.

"Really?" I asked. "You're...?"

"I am. About six weeks along."

"You're pregnant?" I asked, my mind still not able to completely wrap around what she was telling me.

She nodded her head again, her eyes filling with tears just as I felt a sting behind my own. I held her close as I tried to get my emotions and furiously beating heart under control.

Once I regained coherent thought, I moved her away from me and took her face in my hands again. "How do you feel?" I asked her, running my thumbs under her eyes. "What did the doctor say?"

"I feel fine so far. In shock. Maybe a little tired," she said, kissing my hand softly. "The doctor said everything looks normal."

"I can't...you're pregnant," I stated, no longer questioning the fact that we were going to be parents, but still trying to comprehend that it had happened after we had all but given up hope. I put my hand on her abdomen and looked at her beautiful face, astounded by the miracle we had created together.

She placed her hand over mine and I kissed her gently on the lips before touching my forehead to hers.

"Edward?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I want cheesecake."

I went out that afternoon and bought her a whole cheesecake from the bakery. I overdid it, of course, wanting to make her happy, but despite her protests, I continued to spoil her throughout her pregnancy.

She never asked for much, which was typical Bella, but I provided what I thought she would need. I drove her to and from work, I fulfilled all of her food cravings to the best of my ability (fried chicken at midnight proved to be a challenge, but one that I was up to), rubbed her back when it hurt and read to her when she couldn't sleep.

I read as many journals of obstetrics as I could get my hands on, and Bella found a book by an English doctor named Grantly Dick-Read called _Childbirth Without Fear. _It claimed that the heavy sedation that came along with childbirth was unnecessary and that the pain was so intense because it was _expected_ to be intense. But with proper breathing and "natural" methods, childbirth could be easier for both mother and child.

We decided, along with Bella's doctor, that if nothing else, it was worth a try.

The one negative consequence of reading all of those medical journals was that I couldn't escape the reality that childbirth was difficult for women and the potential existed that Bella wouldn't make it through alive. That had never occurred to me in all the years we'd been trying to have a baby and I had to admit to myself that if it had, I might never have wanted her to get pregnant. The thought of my life without Bella made me anxious and unhappy and those thoughts plagued me late at night when she was sleeping soundly next to me.

I never shared my fears with Bella. I told her everything else; keeping anything from her was no longer an option, but I didn't want to frighten her or have her worry about me unnecessarily. She had herself and our child to be concerned about.

As she entered her second trimester, Bella's body began to fill out. I adored her new curves and the fullness of her breasts and I had trouble keeping my hands to myself. But as it turned out, she didn't mind one bit; pregnancy had made her desire for my physical attention more pronounced than usual. But even out of the bedroom, I almost ached to touch her constantly, she was beautiful and perfect and she was carrying within her the life we created together.

About six weeks before the baby was due, we had plans to meet everyone at the park for a July 4th picnic and fireworks. It was a town tradition and we had been going for years.

I ran up the stairs to see what was taking Bella so long; she had been getting ready for almost an hour, which was very unlike her.

I poked my head in the bedroom door and saw Bella standing in front of the mirror in a pretty yellow sundress, a decidedly unhappy look on her face. I walked up behind her and ran my hands gently up and down her arms, kissing her shoulder lightly. "You're beautiful," I said, knowing full well what was causing the look on her face.

Her eyes met mine briefly in the mirror before she looked down, shaking her head.

"Hey," I said softly. "Look at me." I reached over and tilted her chin up so her eyes met mine once again in the mirror. "It's the truth. You're more beautiful to me now than you've ever been. Nothing will ever change that." I wanted her to feel the way I did when she looked at me. When she saw the damage that had been done to my body, she didn't flinch and I would do the same for her. Even though my body was different from hate and not from love like hers was, I would make her feel as beautiful as she made me feel, even the first time she saw my scars.

_I had always been careful, for years, about locking the door when I bathed or dressed. I even made it a point to wake up early and shower before Bella was even awake so there wouldn't be a chance of her walking in. I was damaged now; ugly beyond anything anyone could possibly find acceptable, including Bella. I loved her and I needed her so desperately and I didn't want her to see how unattractive I had become, because maybe then she would have less reason to love me. I was already mentally broken, if she saw my physical disfigurement, I was sure she would have less reason to stay with me. She had to put up with so much from me day after day, and I sometimes wondered when she would reach her breaking point and decide I wasn't worth it. And I wouldn't help her reach that decision if I could help it._

_Then one day, my class let out early. It was a rarity, and I decided to take advantage of it by going for a run. I worked out with Jasper and Emmett regularly but rarely had time to run by myself with my school schedule, and I missed the time alone, my feet pounding on the pavement, sweat running down my back, the burn in my legs propelling me forward._

_When I got back home it was still early and I had the house to myself, so I was lulled into a false sense of security. Out of habit, I grabbed a clean t-shirt and pair of boxers and hopped into the shower. I took my time showering, dried off and pulled my boxers on. Just as I picked up my t-shirt to put it on, the door to the bathroom flew open._

_Bella was standing in the doorway staring at me and she looked as shocked as I felt. I had my t-shirt clutched almost painfully in my fist, held up to my chest. My heart was beating wildly and I was terrified into inaction. I just stood there and stared at her, wondering what she would do._

_Her eyes softened and she very slowly walked over to me. I wanted to tell her to stop, to get out and leave me alone, but I was paralyzed. _

_She reached out and touched my hands, gently rubbing them, her eyes never leaving mine. After what seemed like hours, my hands finally relaxed under her touch and she took my shirt, dropping it to the floor._

_When she finally took her eyes from mine and looked at my chest, I dropped my arms in defeat. My ugliness was on display for her to see now. Surely she would find me repulsive and even if she stayed with me, she would probably ask me to wear a shirt all the time so she wouldn't have to look at me._

_And then Bella, who never does what I expect her to, very slowly and very softly kissed every one of the scars that riddled my body. I shuddered under her touch; not from repulsion, but from not having been touched in that area in so many years, and from how gentle she was. The last touch that part of my body had known was violent and hateful and she was effectively replacing that with her love._

_And then when she was finished, she retrieved my shirt, put it over my head, kissed me softly on the lips, and walked out of the bathroom._

When I met her downstairs later, she didn't say anything about what had happened and treated me as she normally would. Except that night after we went to bed she didn't hesitate to take my shirt off before we made love. She didn't touch my chest right away; we worked up to that over the next few weeks. But she never pushed me and slowly got me used to the idea of being bare-chested around her. Once again, she knew exactly what I needed, better than I did.

Here we were years later, and I rarely thought about being shirtless in front of her anymore because never, not once, did she make me feel self-conscious about what had been done to me. And I never wanted her to feel less than the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world.

"You're beautiful," I repeated, wanting her so badly to hear the truth in what I was saying.

Her eyes softened just enough so I knew that she believed me and the look of love reflected back at me made me instantly want her, to hell with the picnic. It amazed me that after all these years, a simple look from her could cause my body to react the way it did.

"As a matter of fact," I said, kissing her neck, "I wouldn't mind being a little late."

Her quiet giggle was quickly stifled by a gasp as I pressed myself gently into her, letting her know just how much I wanted her.

She had a mischievous look in her eye as her hand reached back into my hair. "Last night wasn't enough to satisfy you?" she asked.

I looked into the mirror and straight into her deep brown eyes. "I will _never _have enough of you."

She sighed and leaned back into me as I continued to kiss her neck and shoulders, hoping to entice her into helping me make us late. When she turned in my arms and kissed me on the mouth, I knew I would be given the chance to show her just how beautiful I thought she was.

I pulled her dress over her head and laid her down on the bed, running my hands all over her body until she shivered and started to grab at my clothes, as desperate for me as I was for her.

We were late to the park but I couldn't find it in myself to care. I spread out our blanket and set up a chair under a tree so Bella could sit in the shade and have support for her back. She was so small and carrying the baby was taking a toll on her body.

Rose and Emmett were there with their four children and Rose handled all of them like the pro she was, directing the older children while holding the youngest in her arms. Maddie was only two months old but Rose and Emmett had never been the type to let anything slow them down from the things they wanted to do.

Emmett left the Navy a few years after the war was over. He thought he would be a career sailor but the birth of Jack, followed by Lizzie and then Teddy, changed his mind. He wanted to be an integral part of their lives and didn't enjoy the prospect of being sent away from them for any reason. So he retired a Commander and he and Rose bought the small café in town where we had met all those years ago. I never knew it, but Emmett had always enjoyed cooking and when he heard the place was for sale, the decision was easy. They ran it as a family; anyone who frequented the restaurant was as familiar with the McCarty clan as they were with their own family.

Despite the chair, Bella insisted on sitting on the blanket like everyone else. I helped her sit and then settled in behind her so she could rest on me. I placed my hands on her abdomen and immediately felt movement, making me smile. "Has the baby been bothering you a lot today?" I whispered in her ear.

"No more than usual, Doctor Cullen," she replied, resting her head against my shoulder. "Besides, I kind of like it."

I smiled into her hair and closed my eyes briefly as I said a silent prayer of thanks for my beautiful wife and the life she carried within her.

"Aunt Bella, when is your baby coming?" Lizzie asked, sitting next to us and taking a bite of her sandwich, a look of genuine curiosity on her face.

"In just a few weeks," Bella answered. "She or he will be a few months younger than Maddie."

Lizzie made a sour face and glanced over at Emmett, who was holding his youngest. "She cries a lot and wakes me up sometimes."

"You cried when you were a baby," Jack interjected, rolling his eyes. "So did Teddy. All babies cry." At eleven, he was apparently an authority.

"I know that! But Teddy never woke me up. I don't know why mommy and daddy have to keep having babies," she complained.

"Hey," I said. "What kind of talk is that?"

She dropped her sandwich and looked down, a forlorn look on her face perfected by six year old children the world over, but didn't say anything.

"Come here, Lizzie," I said, reaching out my right arm so I could put it around her once she was settled next to me. She put her head on my chest and I smiled; she could be a bit overwrought at times, but she really was a very sensitive child and we shared a close relationship.

"Would you really be happy if your brothers and sister went away?" I asked her.

"No," she mumbled. "But sometimes they're annoying to have around and I just want to be by myself."

"I'll tell you what," Bella said, turning a little toward Lizzie. "If you ever feel like you need to be alone, you call Uncle Edward and I and you can come to our house."

"Really?" she asked, a huge smile breaking out on her face.

"Really," I said.

"What about after your baby comes?" she asked, her smile faltering.

"We'll be busier, but we'll make time for you, I promise," I said, ruffling her hair.

"Come on, Lizzie," Emmett called to her. "We're going to toss the football around with your brothers. Let's show 'em who's boss."

"Okay, Daddy," she yelled, getting up and brushing herself off before running over to Emmett, who tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, much to her delight.

Jasper and Alice showed up a few minutes later with Carlisle and Esme, who had recently moved to the area. They were initially resistant, even though they missed us; Hawaii was their home and that was where they wanted to stay. But when news of Bella's pregnancy reached them, they decided it was time. This would be their first, and possibly only grandchild and they wouldn't miss it for anything.

Jasper had made remarkable progress with his legs. He had some sensation and was able to get around very well on crutches; he only used his wheelchair when he was tired or had to travel long distances. But biological children simply weren't in their future. Despite this, they were as happily married as anyone I knew and I couldn't have been happier for my sister and my friend. For as much as life had handed them a set of circumstances that were horrendous, they had each other and didn't usually waste a minute worrying about what could have been.

"How are you feeling, dear?" my mother asked Bella as she reached down to give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Good. Tired," Bella responded.

"You're fairly glowing," my father said, smiling down at her.

I went to get up to greet my parents properly, but my mother held her hand up to me. "You stay right where you are," she said, a twinkle in her eye.

"Yes ma'am," I said, smiling at her and putting my arms back around my wife. I leaned over and kissed her shoulder, not caring who saw me. She reached her hand back and gripped the hair at the back of my neck, as I felt her lips say "I love you" on my neck.

I lifted my head and looked in her eyes, reveling in the truth in her words I found there.

"All right, you two," I heard Jasper say.

"They've always been like that," Alice interjected. "I doubt it's going to change any time soon."

I recently thought I detected a change in her relationship with Bella, but when I mentioned it to her, Bella just told me that she had spoken to Alice about it, but that she didn't think it was appropriate to tell me what their conversation was about. She assured me that their friendship was as solid as it had ever been and that whatever was bothering Alice was something they could work through.

I would have had to have been a fool not to know that their relationship changed right around the time Bella became pregnant. But I let it go; as long as Bella wasn't being hurt, I wouldn't interfere.

The funny thing about what Alice and Jasper said was that Jasper had his hand on Alice's back the whole time, and she had her hand on his legs, which were stretched out in front of him.

"You two are kidding, right?" Rose said.

"What do you mean?" Alice asked innocently.

"You can barely keep your hands off of each other. You're as bad as they are," she replied, pointing over at us.

Jasper and Alice looked at each other in question as all of us, my parents included, burst out laughing. "And you and Emmett are no better," I told Rose through my laughter.

"Yeah, but at least we admit it," she retorted.

When our laughter died down, Alice looked over at our parents apologetically. "Sorry Mom and Dad."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Mom said. "Both of my children are very fortunate and your father and I couldn't be happier. You should know that by now."

We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening enjoying out picnic and each other's company. The kids played and the younger ones took naps on the blanket. Alec and Victoria stopped by to chat, as did Shelley and Felix. They were getting on in years, and they never really recovered from the loss of Joseph, but they were thrilled when, a few years ago, we decided to buy the house we had lived in since we arrived in Maryland. They sort of adopted us as their own and were excited at the prospect of being surrogate grandparents to our child.

Bella was a trooper; I knew she was uncomfortable but she never complained. I rubbed her back, prepared her food for her and tried to make her as comfortable as possible. When evening set in I sat on the ground next to Bella's chair and slipped her sandals off. Even though she had been sitting most of the day, I knew her feet would be swollen and painful and this always eased her somewhat. I leaned my head on her leg as the fireworks started and she put her hand in my hair as I continued to rub her feet.

It was a good life.

x-x-x-x

"Edward?"

"Hm?" I felt sleepy and my eyes refused to open.

"Edward, wake up."

"Don't wanna," I mumbled.

"It's time."

"Time for what?"

"Edward Anthony Cullen, your child is about to be born. WAKE UP!"

That got my attention. I shot up in bed; it was still dark out and it took me a moment to acclimate to my surroundings. I looked over at Bella, who was calmly sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed, waiting for me to get my lazy ass out of bed.

"Really?" I asked, smiling at her.

"I think so. I've been having pains and my water broke." Her voice was strong, but there was a slight tremor in it that I doubt anyone else would have noticed.

"Okay," I said, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. "Let's get you to the hospital." I was outwardly calm, but my insides were in knots. We had waited so long for this moment, but more than that, childbirth was painful and risky and the potential of losing Bella weighed on me.

Which was why when we arrived at the hospital, I refused to leave her side.

"Dr. Cullen, husbands aren't allowed in the birthing room. Besides, it could be hours. Why don't you go home and get some sleep?" the nurse suggested as I stood outside Bella's room. I didn't spend a great deal of time in the maternity wing of the hospital, so she wasn't a nurse I was familiar with.

"You don't understand," I replied calmly. "I'm a medical doctor besides being her husband and I'm not leaving her."

"I don't think –."

"Fine. I'll just go call Doctor Peterson at home." I glanced quickly at my watch, shaking my head. "It's only three o'clock in the morning, I'm sure he won't mind. And what is your name, exactly?"

"Nurse Helen Murphy," she said quietly. She looked around nervously and swallowed, no doubt wondering which scenario would be worse; letting me in the labor room or me calling hospital administrators at home in the middle of the night. I felt a little sorry for her, but not enough to stop trying to intimidate her. This was Bella we were talking about and I would use whatever means necessary.

"Helen," I said, deciding to switch tactics and turning on the charm. "That's my wife in there and I love her more than anything in the world. I just want to be with her and make sure she's comfortable. I promise that I won't get in the way and you won't get in any trouble for letting me in."

I smiled at her and she flushed pink, smiling back at me as a small giggle escaped her before she put her hand over her mouth. "Okay, I guess we can make an exception in this case, you are a doctor after all."

I let out a sigh of relief. I didn't really want to cause upheaval, but I wouldn't be kept from Bella.

When I entered Bella's room her eyes were closed but I knew she wasn't sleeping. I sat on a stool next to the bed and took her hand "Hey," I said softly.

Her eyes flew open and her head turned to me, the most brilliant smile on her face. "You're here."

"Yeah, well...I kind of didn't give them a choice." I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, squeezing her hand tightly. "How do you feel?"

"The pain isn't so bad yet. I'm nervous though."

"About the pain?"

"It's not so much the pain as what comes afterward. I know we've had plenty of time to prepare and we've wanted it for so long...but what if I'm a bad mother?"

I couldn't help it, I laughed. But when I saw a tear roll down her cheek, my laughter died in my throat and I climbed on the bed and took her in my arms.

"I'm sorry I laughed, but Bella, you're the strongest, most giving, loving person I know. How could you not be a good parent?"

She didn't answer me as I continued to hold her, her body shaking from her sobbing. I repeated words of love and reassurance over and over, trying to ease her anxiety. Once her crying subsided, she fell into a light sleep and I continued to hold her, even after a nurse came in and admonished me for being in Bella's bed.

She moaned softly in her sleep with the slight contractions as I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. We had been trying to have a baby for so many years that I almost couldn't fathom that the day was here.

"Dr. Cullen!" Nurse Murphy hissed at me after walking in the room. "I told you to get out of that bed."

"I'm not –."

Just then Bella woke up and gasped loudly, clutching my hand painfully.

"What is it?" I asked nervously.

"It hurts," she moaned, putting a hand over her abdomen.

"Okay," I said, holding her tightly and kissing her forehead. "It's going to be all right. I'll go get the doctor."

I moved to get up from the bed but she grabbed the front of my shirt, stopping me. "Please don't leave me," she pleaded, her eyes fearful and wet with unshed tears.

I nodded and looked at the nurse, silently asking her for help.

She sighed and nodded, mumbling something on her way out to get the doctor.

"Take deep breaths through the pain like we talked about," I said, breathing with her.

Bella and I worked through her breathing and she was able to manage the pain until the doctor came in.

"Are you sure you don't want any medication, Mrs. Cullen?" Dr. Keller asked, still appearing a bit skeptical of our chosen method.

"I'm sure," Bella said, her voice clear as her pain eased just a bit.

"Okay, but you let me know if the pain gets to be too much."

"I will," she said.

"Dr. Cullen, I hear you're insisting on staying?"

"I am," I said, my tone, I hoped, leaving no room for discussion.

"Very well, as long as you let us do our jobs."

"Promise," I replied

Bella's labor progressed slowly as night wore into morning; she slept fitfully next to me and despite disapproving looks from the nurses, I stayed exactly where I was. I moved to switch positions at one point and Bella, thinking I was leaving her, grabbed me tightly and quietly said, "Please don't leave. You make it bearable."

"I wasn't going anywhere," I replied, holding her closer.

Bella's active labor was difficult and long and I stayed with her the whole time, helping her regulate her breathing and talking her through the worst of it. But she handled it with a strength and grace I could only ever dream of possessing and once again, I was in awe of her.

Charles Edward Cullen was born the next afternoon at just after four o'clock. He weighed in at six pounds, twelve ounces and had Bella's big brown eyes and a sprinkling of reddish brown hair on his head. He had ten perfect fingers and ten tiny toes and the scream of unhappiness he let out exactly seven seconds after he was born was the most beautiful sound I would ever hear.

x-x-x-x

I lay there, looking at the ceiling, Bella breathing softly next to me. I envied her ability to sleep, but didn't begrudge her. She was up with Charlie day and night, giving him constant care and attention. He was our little miracle, a perfect representation of my profound love and unwavering commitment to my beautiful wife, and hers to me.

I heard faint noises coming from Charlie's room and got up quickly so I could attend to him before he woke Bella. She had this amazing mommy radar and would sometimes wake in anticipation of his needs, so I had to act quickly. He was still only three months old, so if he was hungry there wouldn't be much I could do, but I was more than capable of changing a diaper or providing comfort.

I walked in and Charlie was wide awake in his crib, staring up at the mobile that hung over him, kicking his legs and making unhappy noises.

"Hey, buddy," I said softly, picking him up and holding him tightly but gently to my chest.

He calmed down almost immediately, his sounds of displeasure turning into soft coos of contentment.

"Do you think we can let your mama sleep just a bit longer?" I kissed his head softly and rubbed his back; it was becoming somewhat of a nighttime ritual for us. If he wasn't actively crying, I would come in and rock him or sing to him until he fell back to sleep.

I held him close, his little head almost enveloped in my palm, and walked over to the shelf we had set up in his room. It had pictures of the whole family; Alice and Jasper, Mom and Dad, Charlie, Rose and Emmett and their brood. As I rocked him gently, I couldn't escape the melancholy I sometimes felt when I looked back on how our lives had changed. Charlie would never know his namesake, and he had deserved the chance to be a grandfather. He deserved to know the amazing woman he reared and this little miracle I held in my arms and it was so unfair that it was taken from him and from us. But we would tell our child all about his grandfather; about his war exploits, his life-long friendship with my father, his desire for better for his daughter than almost anyone, except him, expected.

I sighed and turned from the photos; Charlie was getting restless in my arms but still not crying in hunger, so I started singing softly to him and rocking him gently back and forth.

Right as he was starting to doze, I felt a soft hand on my bare back and I shuddered slightly. I closed my eyes briefly and then turned to Bella, who had a soft smile on her face. I thought I would have been used to it by now, but sometimes...sometimes when she touched or kissed my bare back or chest, I was back there, and the touch wasn't the gentle touch of my wife, it was the searing burn of a cigarette or the sharp cut of a knife blade. It scared me to death that I would someday flash to those times while holding Charlie and it made me angry that I couldn't simply hold my son like a normal man.

But as always, Bella brought me back to reality. She rested her head on my back and put her arm around me, grounding me in the here and now. For as much as my experiences haunted me, every day with her and Charlie was a miracle; a gift that I would never, ever take for granted.

"Is he hungry?" she whispered, her lips forming the words against my back.

"No," I answered softly. "He just needed a little attention. Why don't you go back to sleep?"

"Okay. Are you coming back to bed?"

"Right after I put him down."

When I crawled back into bed a few minutes later, putting a sleeping Charlie in his crib, Bella was still awake. I opened my arms to her and she laid her head on my chest, kissing me gently.

And this time all I felt was her sweet kiss.

"Is he sleeping?"

"He is," I replied, kissing the top of her head.

"Thank you for getting up. I actually woke up scared; I hadn't heard from him all night and when I saw what time it was, I panicked."

"You don't have to thank me. He's mine too and you do so much. I wanted you to sleep." I ran my hand soothingly up and down her arm, trying to relax her so she would drift back to sleep.

"I love you," she mumbled.

"I love you too, sweetheart. So much."

I lay there as Bella's breathing evened out, still unable to sleep, but content beyond anything I ever thought I would be lucky and blessed enough to feel.

It was a very good life.

* * *

**One last thing. _Finding Home_ has been nominated in the All Human Twilight Awards (http:/ twilightallhumanawards . webs . com/) in the drama category, and my oneshot, _Unplanned_ (of which I'm inordinately proud) had been nominated in two categories in the Single Shot Awards (http:/ thesingleshotawards . Blogspot . com/). Voting in the single shot awards is now open, and both links are listed in my profile. **

**Thanks for reading. I'd love to know what you thought.**


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